Disclaimer: Twilight is Mrs. Meyer's but I think I'll keep Jacob...

Chapter 4

Living

Downstairs was empty when we returned. In a soft, flat voice Edward explained the family's convenient and sudden visit to the Denali coven. My eyes fell over the perfection that represented the Cullen's in their absence. A fire was burning in vain within the broad hearth beneath eight perfectly hung stockings. Colored glass ornaments dangled from the crisp evergreen, reflecting twinkling tree lights in their soft glow. Michael Bublé's "I'll Be Home for Christmas" was playing over the speakers…

"I need to call Charlie," I whispered.

Edward nodded, his eyes trained upon the carpet. "I'll give you a moment."

I smiled gratefully and in a blur of vampiric speed he was gone.

I dialed Charlie's number, glancing at the mantle clock. Midnight. Hopefully he was still up.

After the fifth ring, I could feel tears threatening to spill over my cheeks.

"Bells!"

Pure joy lit from within at the sound of his voice and I relaxed, sinking into the love seat beside the Cullens' elaborate Christmas tree. "Dad," I breathed his name.

After a brief, awkward silence, he said, "Merry Christmas Bells."

I fingered the wine taffeta hem of the dress Alice had laid out for me earlier that evening. "You too Dad. Didn't wake you, did I?"

"No. Just said bye to Billy and Jake. Missed you Bells…"

My heart began to pound as very indecent images of my former best friend danced through my memory.

"Billy asked about you. Told 'em about work not letting you off for the holidays."

I felt guilty at the story Edward had suggested about my bookstore job. I had quit months ago actually. Yet I could not very well tell Charlie or Edward I was afraid to see him. And afraid of what he would do.

Charlie continued, "Told 'em you would be back for a visit next fall."

I winced at the barely concealed hope in his words. "Yeah…maybe," I offered. I couldn't promise better at this point no matter the fact I missed Charlie desperately.

"Billy also wondered if you and that Cullen boy were dating still," he said in a tight voice.

I thought of Edward's letters to his mate, of eternity, and cringed. "Yeah, we are, but nothing more."

"That's good!" Charlie's voice was hopeful, too hopeful.

I hesitated but was desperate to know and so I asked, "Ch-Dad? Did…did Jake say anything, ask anything?"

Charlie's next pause was so long I began to feel nervous. He sighed as he finally replied, "No Bells."

We talked of other things after that, easier things, like whether he enjoyed the gas card and new tackle and gear I sent him, or if I had received the plane ticket to see Renee next summer. I loved Charlie for being selfless. He was selfless in a way Edward had always insisted I shared with my father, a way I certainly knew I was not. Had I been selfless, I would have never gone to Jake that day years before in his garage. I would never have played with his heart, then battered and bruised him because of my own misery.

Jake, out of everyone I had ever known, deserved happiness, to be whole, to be loved as only his imprint would allow.

His voice shouted clearly at me that last day, the day he had come after me, his battle wounds forgotten, standing in my back yard with sweats and nothing else. He had trembled with rage.

"A note? A note Bells, really? After everything that's the only way you know how to tell me you're leaving me for him?!"

"Jake! Calm down, please! You know you can't phase yet!"

"Bells I swear to God, if you go to him now that's the end of us. I know you said a bunch of bullshit about not deserving me and I supposedly knew you'd made your decision before anything happened. You and I both know that's just another excuse!"

"Jake, please!" I took a step forward but his rage only grew in volumes, the sun setting behind his russet skin, his face a plane of shadows and darkness. His rage was palpable.

"Bells if you fucking go to him now, I swear to God, I won't wait around for the next time you change your mind!"

"Jake!"

I listened to the roar of his bike as it screamed down our street and into the distance. I stood alone in shadows, fell to the earth, my body numb even after Edward's cool embrace lifted carried me to my bed.

I blinked back tears, blocking the rest of the painful memory out. The light from the Cullen's hearth was too bright now to my eyes. Pain stabbed my chest because I could feel his burning hands upon me even now, hear his lust filled voice groaning my name…

Only then did I realize how long Charlie was quiet over the phone line. "Bells?" he softly asked, "You okay?"

"Hmm?" I blinked, startled. "Oh, yeah Dad I'm fine…" I glanced up again nearly to fall out of my seat as I met a pair of forlorn topaz eyes. "Uh, Dad I have to let you go."

"Okay Bells, it is getting late. Look, you call me whenever you can kiddo. I miss hearing your voice." Muffled as his voice was through the speaker, I could tell Charlie meant every word. It was never easy for us to talk like this, to be open about our feelings.

"Me too. Love you."

"Love you Bells."

Silence followed the dead line and I set my phone to rest at my side as Edward came to sit on the seat beside me. I bit my lip, twisting my nearly waist length curls with an absent finger.

How would I explain this to him? I had flinched away from him as though I were a victim. I had made my choice months ago. I had chosen him. How could I explain?

'Edward I'm sorry, but while we were making out I just happened to have these flashbacks of making love to my best friend. Who happens to be a werewolf and your greatest enemy.' I nearly grinned at the thought, until I froze beneath the dawning realization of my own thoughts.

Making love…

"Bella…" He began and I blinked, surprised by the sound of his voice and hating myself to see his pain. "I realize I owe you an apology…my actions were inexcusable."

"Edward…"

He held up a hand, his eyes burning fiercely into mine. "Bella, we have made a commitment to one another, one that I swore to honor. You desired more from our relationship once and I denied you for so long. After the battle with Victoria when you weren't wearing my ring anymore, I thought it had to do with that dog…" Disgust made his features monstrous a moment before he lifted his eyes to me once more. "I did not understand why you suddenly did not want me. It upset me but I swore to your happiness Bella. I suppose I felt compelled to take us a step further by surprising you tonight. I have not treated you as a gentleman should and I shall understand if you find need for more space between us for a time."

I frowned, turning to stare into the fire burning nearby. The flames licked at the hearth, consumed the wood to ashes and embers, left smoke in its wake. Edward's hand on mine was pale as those ashes and frozen as the winter snow. And still, I could not tear my eyes from the flames.

"Bella? What is your decision?"

My eyes blazed into his and my decision was made.

Life is hard. I understood that once. You make choices and decisions that affect not only you but also everyone around you constantly. And the choices can lead to an endless possibility of futures, according to Alice. I never expected the choices I had begun to make months before to lead me to this.

Life may be hard, but living it was easy enough. And I discovered that winter that the world and normal people's lives, now including mine, went by without consequence. Boring, uneventful, I had once called it. Now I cherished the monotony.

Winter's grip had slowly begun to fall over Alaska, yet unlike Forks, it clung and refused to release it's vice grip on the beautiful wilderland that inhabited it. I found myself yearning for the days when rain had been the only deterrent to sunshine. Here the sun was hidden three fourths of the year.

I groaned as I covered my head yet again from the snowfall as I made the long trek to my dorm hall from the English department. Even now, at the crux of what should be April's spring, my feet sank into ankle deep snow. Had the grounds crew been dormant all spring break? Where was a snow shovel when you needed one?

Clasping my books closer to my arms, I focused on a particularly untrustworthy patch ahead. My boots were supposed to have the best traction; Charlie had said so when he bought them for me in August. They could brave anything.

Then again, this was me.

My legs flew madly into the air, arms and books flailing as I tried to brace my fall. As usual I soon found myself staring up at the night sky and snow that fell in gentle waves over me. The pain in my butt was starting to numb in the freeze and I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my lips and soon shook my body into warmth.

"What happened to you?" Kaya's expressive red eyebrows rose as I came barreling into our tiny dorm, her attention now fully focused on me instead of the Cosmo magazine she had been reading. Seems like they were advertising the latest fifty best positions again…

Slinging an armful of my wet books onto my bed, I rubbed my sore butt. "Fell again."

Kaya rolled her eyes, not bothering to comment as she casually flipped the pages of her magazine. Paramore played softly in the background. Normally Kaya had it blaring no matter how many of our neighbors banged on our walls. Something was on her mind tonight. "So where's Adonis, tonight?"

I groaned, regretting ever telling her of my first impression of Edward Cullen. Her bold blue eyes were shining hopefully and I shook my head as I shrugged off my coat and stood before our mini heater, desperately trying to get warm.

Kaya huffed a sigh and said, "Bella, Bella…when are you going to stop being ridiculous and let that boy back in? He's obviously mad about you, and if you don't do something about it I think I might." She wagged her brows dramatically, turning in her bed to lay half upside down over the edge. Her shoulder length frizzy curls bounced past her broad Russian cheekbones and she smiled an upside down grin.

"It's not that easy," I groaned. Especially when your boyfriend is a vampire who wants eternity and answers I still could not give. Guilt ate away at my stomach as I remembered my choice. At the time my main reasoning was to keep Edward from guessing at the real problem. What was the real problem? I felt the answer just beyond my reach and knew I was too chicken to seek it out.

She turned about to face me, mouth wide. "What? You're crazy! What's so complicated about it? The guy is in all your classes, carries your books, opens doors and just happens to be gorgeous and perfect. And he's begged you a million times to come over or you come to his place! Oh God, you're not one of those psycho bitches are you? Not gonna drive him crazy 'til he stalks you before you murder him?"

I laughed, shaking my head, "Will you slow down?"

"Hey, you're blocking the heat!" she whined, crossing her legs beneath her slight frame. Times like these my roommate reminded me of a cruder, funnier version of Alice. I obliged her before she inevitably started throwing pillows my way and began to change into my P.J's.

"It's complicated Kaya. I needed to find myself. You know Edward and I have been dating since Junior year."

"No shit, Sherlock. So what? He's a boy, you're a girl, make it work. If you've been together that long, and you know I've never been with any guy that long, you should be experts at solving problems."

I grinned at her and admitted, "You would think."

Rolling her eyes she fell against her bed, lifting her magazine above to ogle the half naked male anatomy. "Least your folks don't require you to marry 'a nice Russian Jew'." She exaggerated a very thick accent that made me grin. "So how was work?"

I groaned as I flopped upon my black bed sheets, an old college gift from Jake, I recalled with a wince. I had been found a job in the English department's editing office. It didn't pay well but it was a start. I had been writing obsessively in the moments I wasn't bogged down with schoolwork. Only made sense I applied it to something that could earn me a little side cash.

"That boring? Well that's what happens when you don't take the spot I offered you," she said.

"A bartender Kaya? Can you honestly see me working with you?"

She shrugged and stood, her revealing work attire displaying her assets. Flashing me a dazzling grin, she replied, "More exciting than editing other peoples' works Hells Bells. Oh shit, I gotta go." She began to fly madly about the dorm. "Listen, don't answer any calls in case it's that jackass Tommy again, kay? And if Edward shows up, tell him I said hi?" She winked coquettishly before disappearing from our room.

In the glorious silence after her departure, I thought of the past several months of "space" Edward and I had taken. The Cullen's had been disappointed I could tell. I think Alice thought I meant I wanted space from them as well, until I had scolded into returning full force back into my life once again.

Slowly, over the past couple of months, I had begun to feel more of the person I had been before I met Edward, independent, ambitious, sure. Edward insisted I keep his letters and I had read up until 1924 at this point. Every night I poured over those love letters I willed my heart to be moved, to return the obvious ardor he felt for his mate. He insisted he was fine being close, being friends but I knew better.

I opened my laptop and checked my e-mail, answering Renee's excitement over my trip to Florida, and frowned at mail my stalker had left me once again. Omitting this unpleasant detail of my new independence to Edward and Charlie had been a wiser decision, I decided months back when this began. The e-mails were always cruel, threatening, obscure and utterly untraceable. Eventually I had come to deleting them as they filtered into my inbox. Only an idiot would read them. And after facing down a pack of Shape-shifters and a coven of Newborn Vampires, my danger radar was understandably numb.

My eyes scanned the names down the long list and blinked in surprise to see Charlie's name.

His e-mail began simply enough.

'Bells,

Just wanted to see how you were doing. Things are still dull here without you. Work is going fine. Sue Clearwater's been keeping me fed. You would remember her. She certainly remembers you. Told me to say hello. Been thinking of taking her on a date. What do you think?

Billy asked about you again today. Wants you to come down for a visit. Jacob misses you too. He didn't say that but I can tell.

Love,

Charlie'