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Chapter 4- Your Lovebird's Flying Away.

He was exhausted, but he wasn't going anywhere.

Four hours after they rushed Andy out of her ICU room and into the OR, he still sat patiently waiting for word on her condition in the waiting room.

Tommy was waiting too, so was Nash. Epstein had arrived with Noelle and Frank, Oliver being the coffee runner.

Sam knew he looked like crap, he needed a shower and a shave, his hair was probably tousled from running his hand through it repeatedly, and he probably just generally looked like an escaped convict. But he wasn't going anywhere. And he didn't really care.

Oliver disappeared for a while and came back with one of Sam's duffle bags, holding it out, he merely pointed to the bathroom down the hall and told Sam to go.

He felt better after the speedy shower, but the hot water did nothing to appease his nerves.

A warm hand on his shoulder drew his attention off the floor, he was sitting with his elbows on his knees, his face staring at the floor as he let his body hang forwards.

Looking up, Sarah's warm smile greeted him, his heart suddenly knowing that Oliver had reached out to her to come.

Even though Sarah and Andy never met, Oliver had probably figured that Sam needed her here now, and that meant that it was bad. Really bad.

"How you holding up?". Sarah sat down next to Sam, he wasn't the touchy-feely kind of person, so she didn't invade his personal space. She just let her hand reach out to his and let it rest over it as he sat back and his hand found his thigh.

Sam looked at her briefly before shaking his head and looking away, his jaw clenching. He refused to say the words. He wouldn't allow them to pass over his lips.

That was enough to tell Sarah all she needed to know.

Sam had changed over the last few years, becoming more placid, taking less risks. He had calmed down, and although he hadn't said it outright, he knew that Sarah knew it was because he had met Andy.

Sam leaned back, his head meeting the cold wall, his eyes pinching closed, but Sarah's hand stayed hovering over his.

The room filled with silence, no audible breaths, no scraping chairs, just the passive breathing of everyone waiting for news on Andy.

Well over an hour later, the doctor emerged, his face more relaxed than the last time anyone in that room had seen it.

Everyone in the room found their feet, the doctor finding a small smile in appreciation of so much love for his patient.

"She's okay, she's stable. She coded, but we got her back. Her thrashing caused her bone marrow to seep into her bloodstream causing the seizure, but we have repaired the break, and removed the bone fragments. If nothing else goes wrong, she should be okay".

Sam felt the remaining energy flow out of him as a tiny fraction of relief swept over him. But it wasn't enough.

"Can we see her?" Nash beat him to the question, her tone hopeful and relieved.

"She's in recovery, but she'll be back in her room in an hour or so. She's still being kept sedated, but we'll be waking her every twelve hours just to monitor her recovery and pain levels. The swelling in her brain has stopped and the internal injuries and brain bleed seem to have stopped deteriorating. Now she just needs to rest".

For the first time since Sam met this doctor he saw him smile faintly, a sign that Sam really needed.

The doctor said his goodbyes after her received a chorus of thank-you's from Tommy, Nash and Sarah.

Sarah had kept her face watching Sam's reaction while the doctor spoke, his eager need for information making her remember how his face would crease when he was younger and lost in thought. He looked like that now.

"Can we walk?". Sarah nudged Sam, she had never been one to sit still for very long, and they still had to wait another hour before Sam would be let back near Andy.

Sam turned to Tommy who answered his silent question with a small shake of his head as he resumed his conversation with Frank.

Sam and Sarah left the room, Sarah locking her arm through Sam's as they walked towards the coffee shop.

"So, I finally get to meet her". Sarah said as they sat down at a table after ordering a coffee and a Latte from the counter.

Sam scowled a little, Sarah knew it wasn't like that.

"I'm kidding" she mumbled seeing his face pull into a hardened glare.

"You really have it bad don't you".

That just made Sam growl, he knew Sarah wasn't being insensitive,she was just...well, just Sarah, said what she thought.

"Sorry, but you know what I meant".

"I know, it's just really hard right now".

"I get it Sammy, it's just that it would have been nice if you had bought her home you know".

Sam hadn't taken a girl home since he was in college, even then he hadn't taken her home, she just arrived when she invited herself over.

"You've thought about it, haven't you. Bringing her home?".

Sarah's words got o tug at the edges of Sam's lips, her own face lighting up at Sam's acknowledgment of the fact that he had thought about it.

"Sammy, why didn't you tell me?".

His face fell at that question, he knew it would come out of her mouth, he just didn't know how to answer it.

"I didn't know what to say?". He felt like it was close enough to the truth to just fly with it.

"You didn't know what to say? How about I've met someone, or I've fallen in love? Or just 'Hey Sar, this is Andy?".

Sam leaned back in his chair, a loud sigh escaping him as his hand ran over his face in vengeance.

"I know, you're right, but with her...it's just complicated. Not because she's complicated, because I am and when I finally started getting it right...I just went and screwed it up. I just didn't know how to handle it, so I pushed her away. She tried to fix it, fix me, but I wouldn't let her. If I had this wouldn't be happening".

Sam's tone grew aggravated as he spoke, his frustration at the situation clear as day on his face.

"Sammy, I'm so sorry this happened, but it's not your fault. You said you pushed her away, Oliver told me they were coming back, that she couldn't go through with it. What does that say? She wanted to come home".

He already knew that, that was the reason he felt like crap right now. If she had decided to go, she wouldn't be here, if she had ignored the pull towards him, and stayed away she would be in one piece.

"You can't change what happened, but you're trying to be there for her and I can see how it's hurting you. If she didn't love you she wouldn't have come back".

"Exactly my point". Sam said pushing his coffee away from himself and standing up. He didn't need to hear that it was his fault that Andy was here, that much he already knew.

Sarah responded equally as feisty as he was by scooting her chair back loudly and finding her feet.

"Don't you dare Sam. Nobody blames you, not her friends, not her father, and I know that she won't".

"How do you know that Sar? You don't even know her".

"Because if she's still holding on, and she reacts everytime you're in the room like she wants you there, I don't think she will resent you for anything other than you blaming yourself. You've told me enough about her for me to know she's smart, and funny and caring. And if she loves you, then that is the only thing that will keep her going Sam".

Sam gaped at his sister, she was older and wiser, but also the more calm of the two of them in a situation like this, not that they'd ever been in a situation like this.

Any kind of situation, Sarah was the level headed one, the strong one, the one that forced Sam to keep his shit together.

"Sammy, I didn't come to do this, I came because I want to be here for you. For her. If I'm pissing you off I'll leave but until then I'm not going to stand around and watch you loose yourself".

Sam ran his tongue over the inside of his cheek. He was doing what he always did, pushing the people closest to him away.

"I know. I'm sorry, J'ai besoin que tu restes".

"It's been a long time Sam".

Sarah hadn't heard him speak in french since...probably the night he got drunk at Oliver's bachelor party. Like way, way back.

They had been so drunk, they had to call her from some dive bar, because they were lost, and had no idea where the were. Sam's mind wouldn't work in english because of the amount of tequila slammers they had consumed.

Their mother was french, and their home language was french, although they attended english schools.

"Let's go see Andy?". Sarah found her smile, her own dimples making slight craters in her cheeks, it was really hard for Sam to ask her to stay, but he did.

They got back to Andy's ICU room, the small crowd down the hall occupying the row of chairs telling them that Tommy was with her.

Oliver had left and Nash would be on her way too soon, she had to pick up Leo from school. Frank, Noelle and Epstein had gone back to shift, leaving Sam alone with Sarah.

When Tommy came out of Andy's room, he looked really tired and pale. The man was taking an internal beating so bad that Sam could see the most immense sadness emanating from the man as soon as he faced them.

"Sam, can you um...I have a meeting".

Sam knew that it took a lot for Tommy to ask him to stay, and tell him that he needed to meet with his sponsor, just to make sure he had all the help he needed right now.

"I'll stay. Feel like some company?".

Tommy looked confused between Sam and Sarah, not quite understanding how Sam could come and go at the same time.

Sam turned to Sarah, "How long since you've been to one?".

"Couple weeks ago". Sarah replied honestly, but not looking ashamed. She'd been a raging alcoholic, but had stayed sober for the last eight years.

"You go to meetings?". Tommy was kind of stunned.

"Yup, still do when I feel I need to. Been sober just over eight years thanks to Sam. I sponsor too". Sarah sounded so proud when she said that, that even Sam smiled. He was so proud of her.

"So you wanna...". Tommy was glad for the shoulder to lean on, someone who knew what it was like to stand in his shoes.

"Lead the way". Sarah said before turning back to Sam. "Don't wait up" she joked as they walked away.

Sam took a moment to himself to get his head on straight before going to see Andy.

He noticed the doctor come out of her room, the doctor noticing him too.

"You're still here". The doctor said as he paused in front of Sam.

"You did good with her earlier". He added as his feet stopped moving.

But Sam didn't have a great come back, or a word to say so he kept his lips in a line.

"She trusts you".

That just about made Sam snap. He saw the fear in her eyes, the heated blaze of pain and misery and the doctor thought she trusted him.

He had watched her try and scream in pain, her memories of the accident so vividly forged in her mind that she was reliving them when she woke up.

"She's a tough cookie. But she doesn't quite know what she wants". The doctor seemed to shake his head at that statement.

Sam just glared at him, no words coming from his lips, because right now if he started he might just not stop.

"She's not fighting as hard as she could, it's like there's something bothering her, holding her back. She keeps slipping".

Sam felt the tiny amount of hope that crept its way into his heart earlier billow out on one long breath. This could not be happening.

"She's strong, and young, but there's no improvement. I'm sorry I didn't want to say it in front of her father, but I just don't think she wants to hang on anymore. There should have been some kind of change by now, but there isn't and I'm sorry to say that at this point, we've done everything we can for her. All that we can do now is keep her comfortable and wait it out".

Sam felt his legs carrying him backwards until they met the front of a chair and he sat down, trying to absorb what he was hearing.

"If there's anything you need, just have the nurses page me". The doctor slapped Sam on the shoulder and walked away, leaving him alone with his insides crying.

He leaned forwards, his elbows on his knees as his body was riddled with tremors, his stomach suddenly feeling the urge to up heave anything in it right now, while his chest clamped down in pain.

Every fiber of his being screamed in denial that this wasn't happening, while his heart knew that it was. Somewhere buried deep inside, he knew that he had been preparing himself for this moment, he just didn't want to admit it.

Shaking his head, he ran a hand over his face, and took a deep breath before getting out the chair and stepping slowly to the open doorway.

She looked so peaceful, like the world around her didn't exist.

He sprayed the disinfectant over his hands and rubbed them together. He knew his actions were more forceful than necessary, but he needed to feel something, anything.

He found the chair pushed into the corner and pulled it closer, before dropping down into it.

His eyes taking every inch of her in.

His eyes roamed over her face, the ventilator pipe still attached to her mouth. She had a tiny mark on her forehead, a skew T, probably from where she hit her head. A small laceration hung on the side of her temple, just under a purple bruise. But other than that, she was perfect.

Her forearms were bandaged, one hand had a IV, her fingertips a little paler than usual as they rested silently against the stop of the blanket. Her leg was back in suspension, a soft pink cast covering it, her toes sticking out the top in shameless view.

She would be livid now if she knew that, she hated displaying her toes.

Someone had tied her hair into a loose braid, it fell over her shoulder, tucked around the front. A loose strand of hair over her closed eye, Sam just had to swipe it away, there was no way he was going to resist.

He watched her heartbeat expectantly, waiting for that tiny fluctuation that would tell him she knew he was there.

It took a while, but it finally came.

He tried to imagine the pain she felt, her injuries so severe that even the doctor thought that she would succumb to them.

"Je sais que ça blesse, si je pouvais l'emporter loin; je le ferais".

He had no idea why he just said that, but he felt like he needed too, so he did.

His hand gently cradled hers, his thumb brushing over the back of her knuckles in an action so familiar it nearly made his strong facade crumble.

He wished that he had seen something different in her eyes, when they had woken her. He missed seeing her eyes flicker with golden specks of fire, for whatever reason.

Making up his mind, he let his eyes pinch closed, his lungs filling with a jagged breath before he let the words slip free. " Je sais qu'il est dur d'attendre. Et je veux que tu restes, mais si tu dois t'en aller; je comprendrais".

"You know that's wrong right?". A sweet voice made Sam jump. Opening his eyes, he found the nurse with the green eyes leering at him in disapproval, her face stern and her arms folded over herself.

"You're supposed to encourage her, not let her go". She added.

Sam felt like he was being scolded, her gaze penetrating right through him. He knew she was right, but deep down, he needed to say those words. He needed Andy to know that if she had to go, if it was her time, then she should go, for herself.

"I just needed her to know that".

"Sam, she wouldn't still be here if she didn't want too be. You know her well enough to know what's going on in her head, in her heart, why can't you just see it?".

The nurse using Sam's name shocked him a little, but he let it go, his mind too occupied by the right fighting the wrong inside it to pay too much attention.

"I don't, I once told her that I wished she was inside my head, but I would give anything to know what's going on in hers right now, what I could do or say...".

"She needs to hear what you want her to do, which way to go. Tell her what you want her to choose Sam. Tell her what she needs to hear, not because you want her to get better, but because you want her to know it".

Sam looked back at Andy's face, a million words spiraling to the tip of his tongue before freezing there. He glanced over the room to find the nurse gone, leaving him alone with Andy again.

What did it even matter what he wanted?

What he wanted right now was for Andy to open her eyes, and whisper his name. He wanted her pain to go away, her injuries to evaporate, them to have a long life together with him making up for his mistakes everyday.

The last time they had seen each other, she had said that she didn't care anymore, but he didn't believe it, didn't believe the forced tone she used to say the words.

He had tried, tried to tell her how he felt, what he wanted that night. How would telling her that now change anything? He wasn't even sure that she would hear him.

He was a contradiction to himself.

He was scared of saying those words, and she'd never know. Because he had already told her that if she needed to go, he would understand, so why couldn't he say what he knew she had wanted to hear forever, what he had always wanted to say but didn't know how.

Aaarrrggg, why did he have to make everything so hard and complicated when it was just so plain and simple.

The nameless nurse was right, he had nothing to loose by telling her. The doctor seemed to think that she wasn't going to make any improvement, even though he seemed so ecstatic with her stability earlier.

Holding on to her hand a little tighter, he finally decided to give in, and just tell her.

Everything.

"Andy..."

Thanks again to the awesome Rookie Blue France Page on Facebook!

Translations;

J'ai besoin que tu restes- I need you to stay.

e sais que ça blesse, si je pouvais l'emporter loin; je le ferais- I know it hurts, if I could take it away, I would.

Je sais qu'il est dur d'attendre. Et je veux que tu restes, mais si tu dois t'en aller; je comprendrais.-

I know it's hard to hang on. And I want You to stay, but if you need to go I'll understand.

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Jelly Bean Jenna©