Chapter 4

Barney decided he needed to know where their relationship was going. So, two days after their tryst at her apartment and their somewhat romantic moment at Maclaren's, he arranged to meet Robin in Central Park. He had taken her there after the wedding. They didn't say a word to each other; they just held hands and walked, and it felt so right.

Robin was there before he was. He didn't tell her why he wanted to meet up, but from the look of anxiety on her face, she knew what he wanted to talk about.

"Hey," he said, approaching her.

"Hey."

Now that he was here, bringing up the subject was far more difficult than he had imagined. He couldn't seem to get the words out of his mouth. She stood there, waiting patiently because it was clear she was not going to be the first person to talk.

"You look good," he said finally. He sighed. He remembered the times where he could just say what was on his mind, but around her, he just became a bumbling mess.

"Thanks." He hoped for a moment that she would take pity on the way he was fumbling, but she did no such thing. She just stood there and bit her lip.

"We need to talk," he said before he could give himself any chances to back out. "When we… were together a couple days of ago… did that…?" He sighed. "Did that mean anything?"

He was reminded of the time they cheated on their significant others. She had asked him the same thing, and he responded with "of course it did." It did. It meant something then, and it meant something now, and it meant something every time he was with her, even that first time meant something even if he had no idea how deeply it would affect him.

Robin didn't answer immediately. Barney tried not to let it bother him. This was a pretty loaded question, but the fact that she had to think about it meant she wasn't sure. Back then, she said it didn't mean anything, and he knew she wanted to believe that so badly that she couldn't bring herself to tell Kevin the truth. That memory still stung.

"I don't know," she finally said. "It was amazing, Barney. Like always," she added with a sheepish smile that he couldn't find in him to return. "But… we've moved on."

"I haven't. You have?"

She nodded. Barney couldn't understand how she could've moved on so quickly. They had only been divorced for a few months. Even when they dated for a few months, he couldn't move on. How could she move on after three years of marriage?

He decided not to bombard her with questions. He looked down at his feet. "Okay."

"I'm sorry, but it can't be anything." He snapped his eyes back to hers. "I'm not in New York permanently. I'll be getting more assignments. I'll be going around the globe. If we get back together, nothing will have changed."

"But, I told you I'd follow you," he said desperately. He meant it. It didn't matter if he got frustrated with their lifestyle; he knew that she was often frustrated with it. He just wanted to be with her. He didn't want to be the fifth wheel while Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Tracy went out for drinks. He didn't want them smiling and holding hands while he sipped at his scotch, longing for Robin. Being the fifth wheel was so much easier when Ted and Robin were together because, back then, he would have no problems living the single life, picking up chicks. Now, he loved the girl in front of him, and nothing would change that.

Robin pursed her lips. "Barney, I won't let you do that."

He felt a surge of anger run through him. "You can't tell me what I can and can't do, Robin."

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, they were shining with the tears she had been unable to repress. "I don't want you to come with me."

It felt as though a bucket of ice water was poured over him. Time seemed to stop. "B-but…"

"I don't want to deal with your frustrations as well as my own! I'm sorry, Barney. It's not happening."

He took a deep breath through his nostrils and allowed his muscles to unclench. Slowly, he nodded. "Fine. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. And I'm sorry for sleeping you all those years ago," he added before he could stop himself. "It would've saved me a whole lot of heartache." He walked away, and he could feel her eyes on his back. He regretted it as soon as it left his lips, but it was too late to turn back.

Robin watched Barney leave. Did he really say he regretted the moment that set their relationship in motion? Did he regret everything they had gone through together? Robin shook her head, knowing it wasn't true. Barney was upset; so was she. After their first breakup, she had actually wished they never dated at all, but she got over it because she cherished their time together. And, even though their marriage was over, she cherished all that time with him, and she knew he did, too, even if it didn't seem like it at the moment.

She was sorry she had to reject him like that. The passion they shared a couple of days ago probably got his hopes up, and it didn't help that she told him she loved him too and held his hand in Maclaren's. She didn't mean to do it; it was just so annoying to see Ted and Tracy, and Marshall and Lily holding hands, and she just did it. If only she hadn't… all three things combined had Barney hoping they could reconcile. Robin actually considered it. Except, she couldn't do that to him again. He said he would've followed her, but she knew that when the assignments came pouring in, they would be right back where they started, and she couldn't go through that again.

Robin sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. She didn't have time to worry about this relationship anymore. It was over. They had signed the divorce papers, and though they relapsed, it didn't matter. They weren't together anymore, and they wouldn't be together again. That was that. So, why did some part of her wish that wasn't that?

I don't want you come with me. She said it so calmly, as though she had been preparing for this moment since they slept together. Of course, that didn't mean that Robin felt calm as she said it. Barney knew her well enough to know that she kept things locked in, just like he did. In fact, it was one of the things that attracted him to her. They were alike in that way, and together, they were able to open up. It was disappointing that she felt she had to revert to that way now that they weren't together.

He didn't take Robin's inner feelings into consideration when she said those words, though. At that moment, the way she said them made his stomach churn. He had hoped in the time-which was going by in slow, agonizing ticks-that led up to those words, she would tell him that she wanted him with her. When she said it, she froze. It was just like when he expected-foolishly expected-her to break up with Kevin to be with him. The memory of that slow shake of her head was forever ingrained in his brain.

He should apologize. For expecting more than she was willing to give-who was he, Ted? And for telling her he was sorry for sleeping her all those years ago. Because he wasn't. That first night with her-even though it ended in pain that was later resolved-was amazing. It gave him a taste of Robin, and he would always want more. The fact that he got more than he bargained for was enough to last him for a lifetime.

He was about to call her when he decided against it. It was too soon. He didn't really want to hear her voice. He didn't even want to think about her, but she was always on his mind. Instead, he went to Ted's.

"Hey," Ted said when he answered the door. He ushered Barney in. "You alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm awesome!"

Ted chuckled lightly. "As always. Well, sit down. You want a drink?"

"Water is fine."

While Ted was in the kitchen, Tracy entered the room, carrying baby Penny in her arms. Penny was clutching her mother tightly, sobs racking her tiny body.

"Oh, Barney."

"Hey, Tracy."

"Are you alright?" He wasn't surprised that her eyes narrowed when he opened his mouth to tell her he was alright because she already looked through him once before. She patted Penny on the back as she sat next to him. "Robin trouble?"

"What's that?" Ted asked as he came back into the room. He tossed Barney the bottle of water.

"Robin trouble," Tracy repeated, looking over at her fiancé.

"I thought you said you were awesome, Barney."

"You really thought he was awesome? I mean, yeah, you're totally awesome," Tracy added when Barney's mouth dropped open in offense. "But, obviously, he's troubled. Oh, Penny…" She tried rocking her, but the little girl would not let up.

"May I?" Barney asked, and Tracy handed her daughter to him. Barney smiled at Penny and said, "Hey, there. It's your Uncle Barney." She stopped crying at once. "Would you look at that?" He rocked her gently, feeling proud for doing what Tracy couldn't do. "Barney always calms the ladies."

"Okay, can you not?" Ted asked. "So, Robin trouble?"

Barney rolled his eyes. "Fine. Normally, I'd go to Lily about this, but she'd just tell Marshall, and he'd give me that sympathetic tone."

"You do know that when you tell us we're totally telling Marshall and Lily, right?"

"Yeah, but I figure with you, I've got at least a day or two. Anyway… a couple of days ago, I went to Robin's, and we ended up doing it in the shower."

"I noticed you were a bit awkward that night," Tracy pointed out.

"Yeah. Today, I met her in Central Park to talk about us." He shrugged. "She doesn't want any future between us. She told me she moved on, and she doesn't want me to come with her."

Ted and Tracy exchanged looks. Ted said, "Well, Barney, Robin's going to have assignments, and that life is the reason you divorced."

"I know that!" Penny fussed and Barney rocked her. "I didn't want the divorce, but what could I do? And I want to be with her."

Ted patted Barney's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I don't know what we can say, but… it sucks." He smiled sadly at his friend. "Maybe it's time you moved on. Find someone new."

Barney didn't answer to that. It was hard enough to settle down in the first place. How could he be expected to find that same connection with someone else? And besides, the challenge didn't bother him. He didn't want someone else. He wanted Robin.