Number One
Here we go, with countdown pt 2.
When Shinji exited the building, he found a white sedan waiting at the curb, a familiar face leaning against the passenger door. Upon looking up and seeing Shinji's approach, the person got up and smiled. "So how did things go, trainee?"
Shinji snapped to salute. "Captain Takamachi, sir! I was permitted to graduate, and am expected to report for duty in three days at 0700, sir."
Nanoha's smile was dampened by the news that her youngest charge would be disappearing again so soon, but she still felt proud that he was able to achieve something. Fate and Vivio are really going to be disappointed that he's going off so soon, though... "Be at ease, operative. My first order as your superior officer, is for you to relax, and try your best to enjoy the time off until your mission. There's no need to be so distant when you're with family, am I clear?"
Shinji frowned at that last part, but eased his posture and nodded. "...sir. Yes, si- I mean, Nanoha." Yes, I do need to keep distant from you all. But you can't see that. None of you have ever been able to. ...Why?! You're all smarter and wiser than me, so why can't you understand the same things I do?!
Nanoha's smile became slightly more strained, seeing that her charge still didn't seem to regard her as family. Why is it that I can't get it through your head that you can trust me? Am I really so terrible to you? "Come on, let's go home."
"...yeah." I shouldn't, but I can't bring myself to tell you 'no'...
For some time, the car ride succumbed to an awkward silence. Eventually, Nanoha tried to start up some conversation. Knowing that Shinji hated talking about himself, she tried to find a more indirect topic. "So, who were some of your instructors, Shinji? Anyone I'd know?"
"The officer presiding over my graduation interview was Commander Suzuki." Why do you care?
"Ah, I remember Suzuki. We had to run a few conferences together. She seemed like the kind of person to raise a lot of red flags on psych eval, but her heart's in the right place." Then again, that goes for a lot of people in Special Operations... so even if it worries me, I guess it makes sense that you'd do well in that kind of crowd...
"...she struck me as being a very capable officer. I look forward to serving under her."
Nanoha laughed, and slightly turned to Shinji with a teasing smile. "After this long, I might have figured that you went for the ice queens."
Shinji blankly looked at her. "...I don't get it."
Nanoha's cheer promptly cut out, and sighed in depression. "...I was kidding."
"I knew that. I just don't understand why it's supposed to be funny." What, was that supposed to imply that I don't like you or something? That's stupid. You're one of my parents. You're smart, attractive... you're strong... everyone looks up to you. You know how to deal with people properly instead of fumbling your way through conversations... How could I ever possibly dislike you, when you're everything I want to be? ...everything I'm not.
Shinji lowered his head to the side, and turned to look out the window. Everything that I can't ever be...
"You just thought to yourself something to the effect of I can't, didn't you? You need to believe in yourself more."
"Wha-?"
Coming to a stoplight, Nanoha reached over and ruffled his hair a bit. "When you were younger, you always used to say that you couldn't do things. And it's true, that you had some disadvantages compared to the rest of us. But you're wearing that dress uniform, and you're carrying proof of a mission with you. You went in there, and after four years of hard work, you turned I can't into I did."
Shinji turned his eyes away from her and mumbled, "...I guess I did, didn't I..."
Nanoha pulled the boy close and gave him a one-armed hug, with a smile as bright as the sun. "I'm really proud of you."
Shinji's cheeks reddened in embarrassment, and he started trying to squirm away from his mother's grip. After struggling in futility for a few seconds, he eventually relented, and just allowed himself to be held. "...thanks, Nanoha. That really means a lot to me." More than you can ever, ever know.
Nanoha chuckled, and gave the boy his personal space back. Even if we still haven't managed to bridge the gap between his heart and ours... he really is a good kid.
At that time, the road signal changed. Accelerating back into the flow of traffic, Nanoha eventually asked, "So, Vivio's birthday is coming up soon."
Shinji froze, his blood turning cold with the kind of terror that most people would normally reserve for God...
"Now, I know you'll be on your mission before then, but if you've thought of anything you might like to get for her, I can pass it on for you."
"...I haven't." oh my god what do I do what do i do what do i do what do i do what do i do
Nanoha hummed in thought. "Fate probably hasn't done her shopping yet either, given that she's spent a lot of time in deep space on the job lately..."
The Ace of Aces snapped her fingers. "I know! I can send the two of you out together."
Shinji wanted to scream in terror. What came out instead was a meek, "...okay."
Time until mission start: 62 hours
When they pulled into the Takamachi driveway, they found the house to be empty. "Fate's probably still handling paperwork at the office, and Vivio said she'd be at the Library for another couple of hours or so."
Shinji glanced at the redhead as she went into the kitchen, wondering why she was telling him this.
"In any case, your room should be pretty much exactly the same as when you left. If you want to change into something a bit more comfortable, go ahead. Meanwhile, I'll get dinner ready."
There was a momentary pause, before Nanoha stuck her head back out to look at him. "If you're hungry, I can fix you a light snack..."
Shinji remained silent for a moment, before shaking his head. "No, I'm fine. Thanks."
Indeed, the two-story house hadn't changed very much, compared to what Shinji remembered from four years ago. Some of the furniture might have been moved around, and the walls may have been painted a different color, but it still had the same warm atmosphere from back then. This place deserves better than me, but it still welcomes me despite that. ...Why?
His room, however, was still the same. The walls hadn't been given the new paint job yet, and he could effortlessly navigate the room with his eyes closed. There wasn't any need for that, though. After flipping on the ceiling fan, he reached into a nightstand, and pulled out a music player with a speaker. Pulling up a playlist of preferred classical Earth music, he set it to play at random and began climbing out of his uniform.
After a few seconds, the player chose a song, and eerie music began to fill the air. The title was, A Night On Bald Mountain.
"Why thank you Mussgorsky. I was hoping you'd make this foreboding feeling of mine even worse."
Having slipped into some casuals, Shinji flopped down on the bed. The music continuing to drift through the room, he absently raised his hand up to look at it. I got the result I wanted... but all this time, I never once managed to spare a thought for something that simple. I wanted...
The hand slowly curled into a fist. I wanted to try and pay them back for everything they've done for me, but I couldn't think about anyone but myself.
"I'm garbage. I don't deserve to live."
"You might think twice before you go saying things like that again, you know."
"Uwah-!" Shinji nearly jumped out of his skin in shock, and hit his head against the wall. "Ow! Damn!"
Scowling at Nanoha's general direction while rubbing the sore spot on his head, Shinji muttered, "I thought you were cooking."
The Ace of Aces shrugged. "It needs to simmer for a little while. You're what I really need to be keeping an eye on."
Shinji remained silent.
"Even after all this time, I haven't gotten a full grasp of how your head works yet, Shinji. But despite your best attempts at trying to keep me in the dark, I've still got a few things figured out. You need to stop holding yourself to such ridiculous standards, Shinji. We're all only human. We're not perfect."
No, but you are. Those were the words that Shinji wanted to say. Tried to, even. What came out instead was a petulant-sounding, "...but I want to be perfect." All the kindness you invested in me... I want it to pay off for you. I want to show everyone that taking me in wasn't a waste of your time and effort...
Nanoha's gaze softened, and she shook her head. "To be perfect is..."
Casting about for the words she wanted, she eventually continued, "There's nothing wrong with wanting to be perfect, Shinji. Everybody has things about them that they're not proud of, or that they wish they could do better. But perfection is just an ideal. It's something we can all aspire to, but that we can't ever achieve."
Shinji resisted the urge to roll his eyes at that. Like hell. You, Fate, Vivio... humans like me are flawed, but you're all better than that. Gods aren't... Aces are perfect. Flawless. I know... because you're kind enough to take in even a person like me. That's why... that's why I have to throw away these human flaws of mine! I have to prove to everyone that caring for me wasn't a waste of your time and energy!
"Shinji!"
The boy snapped his attention back to Nanoha.
"I'm telling you this for your own good. Everybody has a limit to what they can do. It's not wrong to try and break those limits as far as you can, but you also need to be self-aware enough to keep your limits from breaking you."
Shinji clenched his hands into fists. "I don't get it."
Nanoha let out a sigh. "I didn't get it either, when I was your age. ...and it was nearly the end of me. Even if you don't understand the lesson I'm trying to teach... can you at least accept that I'm trying to save you from making the same kind of mistakes I did? I don't want to see you get seriously hurt."
Shinji narrowed his eyes for a second or two, before quietly nodding. "I'm sorry for worrying you, Nanoha."
The redhead scanned him for a moment, trying to detect any dishonesty from him. Eventually, she seemed satisfied, and smiled again. "Don't be, Shinji. Worrying about their children is just what parents do."
With that, she left to continue taking care of dinner.
The moment she was out of sight, Shinji's fists clenched even harder. "You can say that, but even I know that Gods don't bleed."
Dinner that night would be an awkward one...
Time until mission start: 61 hours
The next day, Shinji was once more in the passenger seat of a car - this time, a dark brown luxury car, with his other parent driving.
"We didn't really get to talk very much last night... how are you feeling, Shinji?"
After a moment, he bluntly said, "Terrified."
Not expecting that answer, and fearing that she was the cause, Fate began to apologize... then she remembered who she was speaking with. He always tries to be so distant, but it's not because he's afraid. It's more like... some twisted sort of respect. [sigh] I was really hoping to have some heart-to-heart conversations with him once he graduated from the program, but I don't know if we'll have the chance now... "Terrified of what?"
Shinji, looking sort of helpless, eventually just sort of... waved his hands around. "Screwing up. Getting Sis something that she won't like."
Fate couldn't help it - she laughed a little bit. Yes, that sounds just like the Shinji I remember...
"I don't think you need to be worried. I'm sure that Vivio would love anything if it came from her only little brother. If anyone should be afraid of making a mistake," she continued, "it's me, since I haven't been able to speak with her at all over the last year or so."
The response was immediate, almost before she'd even finished speaking. "That's ridiculous. Vivio doesn't have a heartless bone in her body. Anything you picked out at all would be perfect."
Hearing those words from Shinji brought a small smile to her face. "We're both worrying about senseless things, aren't we? I suppose that's just the way it is. I wonder..."
Fate observed Shinji out of her peripheral vision. I guess I was right. Shinji, you remind me so much of my old self... From when I was collecting the Jewel Seeds as a child. The problem isn't that you don't care... it's that you care so much about the people who are important to you, that you've lost all consideration for your own well-being...
The blonde enforcer didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and settled for a little bit of both. I guess now I know how Arf must have felt back then...
"Shinji, is it okay if we talk for a little while?"
The boy scooted toward the door, very slightly. Fate probably wouldn't have even noticed, if she hadn't been watching for it. He couldn't help the defensive tone when he asked, "...about what?"
Coming to a stoplight, the Ace of the Navy ran a hand through her hair in an attempt to get her thoughts in order. Oh Shinji, you make conversation so difficult. And I'm sure that it's not because you want to... "Shinji, I worry about you. It makes me happy that you care about us so much, but you need to look out for yourself too."
"...for myself?"
A thought occurred to Fate, and she nodded. "If - and I just mean hypothetically - something happened to one of us... like if Vivio got in an accident and was seriously hurt, or if I gave my life in the line of duty..." Like I nearly did during the Eclipse incident... "...how would it make you feel?"
His response was slow in coming. Eventually, he said, "...I think I'd die."
Fate hoped that he didn't mean he'd attempt to kill himself, and chose to believe in that hope. "I just want you to know that if anything happened to you, that's the kind of sadness that we would feel. So please, for God's sake, take care of yourself when you're out on your mission. Promise me that you'll come back to us safe and sound, okay?"
Intellectually, Shinji knew that such a promise would be beyond his ability to keep. But... after everything she's done for me, how could I ever refuse her?
"...I promise." I have to get stronger... I have to become a God - an Ace - just like them. So that I can keep my promise.
Fate smiled at him. "I'm happy to hear that, Shinji. ...so, do you have any ideas on what we might be able to get for Vivio?"
Shinji broke out into a cold sweat, even as his words from earlier echoed in his skull. "...are there any recent martial arts movies?"
Time until mission start: 45 hours
I would so dearly appreciate if you could drop a review on your way out.
And with this, I do believe I've laid out all of Shinji's malfunctions on the table. I imagine that the question isn't "will he snap?", but rather, "when he does snap, how many pieces will there be? And will there be anyone left to pick them up?"