Stephenie Meyer owns every Twilight related thing I may use.

Other owners own every reference I may use. The plot is mine though :)

Super Thanks to my AWESOME Fellow Rockstar Mari, for reading this and helping me out.

You Rock "Little One"

Please read A/N at the end.

Chapter 4: Alcohol & Feelings Don't Mix.

"Love is when you shed a tear and still want him,it's when he ignores you and you still love him,

it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you,

when all you really do is cry."

Kay Knudsen

I want to punch someone, something, a wall, a face…anything. It wouldn't make a difference. I just have this need to hear the sound of something breaking. It'd be better if it were me doing the damage.

Jeez, would you calm down already?

That's my inner voice trying to be all calm and stuff. Not working.

Last night Edward got me all flustered and hopeful only to crush my hopes without even realizing it. Or maybe he did. Maybe he knew what he was doing. I don't know. The point is, I allowed myself to be confused by his actions. I let my guard down completely waiting for that kiss, only to be met with disappointment.

He picked me up this morning being his cheerful self, not having a clue of what goes through my mind. He commented once on my more than usual bitchy attitude, but otherwise appears to be unaffected.

"B, you look like you could kill someone." Kate tells me, from her place beside me. We are having lunch, or at least I am. The rest of our group is drooling over the new girl. Rosalie Hale. Ugh, what kind of name is that?

She's blonde. Another one. Like we need any more blondes around here. She's tall, voluptuous, and looks like a freaking Barbie. She can give Tanya a run for her money any day. If the look of every guy in school is any indication, she already is.

Rosalie is the sister of Jasper, the guy Alice met at her summer's cruise. What are the chances right? They have been sucking faces since they saw each other in first period. Alice is elated to say the least.

"I don't know what you mean." I say to Kate trying not to break my plastic fork.

"Come on! You look like you want to bitch slap the new girl." Irina comments. How perceptive Irina! How many brain cells did that cost you?

"Who doesn't?" Tanya adds. Edward has been fighting with Emmett the whole day, about who gets to have a shot with Rosalie first. They're not even on the boy's table next to us. That's the real reason of my murder desires. Of course none of them know that.

"B's been single for too long. She needs to get laid, like A.S. A.P." Kate says earning giggles from her cousin and sister. They're referring to my several hook ups with Mike Newton since freshman year. He's on the football team with the rest of the guys, but he's not exactly part of the popular kids. He was accepted as my date several times, because he's on the team.

"Mmm, I think K is right Izzy. You have too much pent up energy going on right now." Tanya speaks. This is just great! Now they're going to be all over me with this. I'll have to come up with some excuses soon enough to deflect this. I am not in the mood to let one of the jocks cop my field just to get these girls off my back.

"I just need to sleep. That's what I need." I say, trying not to sound too bitter, or angry, or pissed, or all the other things I feel right now.

"Just go out on a date, or hell, a make out session would do the trick." Irina pressures. I want them to just shut up. I can't deal with this right now. I look to the window and catch a glimpse of Alice smiling brightly at Jasper who is looking at her with puppy eyes. I glance to the other side and see Edward and Emmett talking to a smug looking Rosalie. Kate and Tyler are now giving each other lustful looks from across the tables. Everywhere I look there's something sexual or loving going on. In the meantime, I get to feel sorry for myself for being the classic "I fell in love with my best friend" girl. So pathetic.

The bell ringing saved me from the Blondie Bunch dwelling deeper into my life and I get to escape them to go to Biology. Edward is late that day, and the rest of the week. Not only for Biology but also to every other thing that he needs to be on time; football practice, picking me up to go to school, meeting me at his backyard one night.

Late, Late, Late.

It's starting to get on my nerves. I've been a bitch this entire week which is not helping my case against the "let's get Bella laid" squat. Cheerleading and football practice are on the same days and Tanya, Irina and Kate have been restless, pointing out guys while they work out on the field.

I hope they don't notice my eyes search Edward's naked chest whenever I can. I hope he doesn't notice either. He hasn't been his usual self since Rosalie got here. He's been distracted, he doesn't know what's going on around him and he hasn't called me not even once on my attitude. The moments we spend together have been spent on silence or filled with talk about Rosalie, which I've tried to block to the best of my abilities.

We've only met once in the backyard after the almost kiss, and he was late and not really there. I don't like this. I feel like I'm losing him, the bit of him I call mine that is. The point is, it's affecting me much more than it should. It's starting to show in everything I do. The girls all think my mood is due to some lack of sexual relief, which I won't really admit even thought they might be kind of right. In their own shallow, slutty way. I've let them think that's the reason because it's better than the alternative. Although they are driving me insane! Just this morning, Tanya said I was worried Mike would hook up with Rosalie, and that I was jealous. What is she, like completely out of her mind? I'd say so.

Mike Newton, for Christ's sake! The only reason I slept with him was because I was a bit naïve that first year, and pretty much drunk that night. Not exactly the best way to lose my virginity, but nothing that hasn't happened before to an American girl. Anyway, the point is I am not worried about Mike doing whatever he wants with Rosalie, or any other girl. I don't care about Mike. Now that I think about it, I'd rather be thinking about Mike instead of Edward. I'd rather feel something for anyone who wasn't Edward.

"You should go if you want to catch a ride with E." Alice's voice brings me out of my thoughts. We are on the locker room, taking a break from practice.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"He's leaving early today, I don't exactly know why. I don't care. Jazz is picking me up." She tells me with a dreamy look on her face. She's been pretty much invisible to us since she and Jasper got reunited by this chick flick coincidence. How very Grease of them.

"Whatever, I'll just walk." I say before trying to get past Alice to leave the room. She stops me.

"I think you should just talk to him." She tells me like it's the most obvious thing in the world. I look at her like the crazy person she is.

"Talk to him? Him who? And what about exactly?"

" Oh come on B! Don't give me that. I know you two have been acting all weird with each other these pasts few days. I just don't know why. But whatever it is, can be solved by talking…so please get your stuff and go." She says talking a mile a minute. I didn't know the change in my relationship with Edward was evident. But Alice has always been a little more observant than the rest, so maybe it's just her.

After a bit of coaxing and some punches she threw my way, I decide to listen to her and go to meet Edward at the parking lot.

I run because I don't want to miss him. Alice's talk about us acting weird, just reminded me how much I enjoy having Edward in my life and how crappy it's been to be upset with him. I arrive to the parking lot out of breath. Luckily for me, he parked on one of the closest spots so I don't have to walk that much to reach him.

He's putting away something on the trunk when he notices me.

"Hey." I say like the intelligent human being I am.

"Hey." He answers closing the trunk.

"Alice said you'd be leaving earlier from practice today, so I figured…you know…" I trail off, because the functioning parts of my brain have left town. Plus, I'm all awkward and nervous.

"Right." He says not moving from his place next to the car. I am standing in front of him at a respectable distance.

"Unless you don't want to…since you didn't care to let me know." I accuse him bitterly. Since when does he leave early from anywhere without letting me know. Since Football and cheerleading practice are the same days, he also drives me on those days. Sometimes I have to wait for him to be done because he gets a little carried away exercising.

"You can drop the attitude Bella, it's getting old." He spats going to the passenger door and opening it. I just stare at him. So he has noticed my bad mood but just decided not to comment on it. Why?

"Get in." He commands holding the door open. I didn't realized when he moved to the other side of the car.

"What?" I ask him forcefully. He has lost his mind, I'm sure of it.

"I need to go, so if you want me to drive you, you need to get in." He says with fake calm. I don't understand what's going on. Why is he acting this way? I know my reasons for my mood, but what are his?

"What the hell is your problem?" I almost scream at him in frustration. He can't tell me to drop my attitude then push me around to get in the same car with him, when he's clearly not interested in driving me.

"Me? What the hell is your problem?" He screams back slamming the door and walking to get in front of me. He's really close and now I can see his eyes better. Their green is full of fire and energy and I am lost in them. "You've been a complete bitch this past few days and I don't know what your deal is." He continues in a loud voice.

"Oh! And you have time to notice this? I thought you were too busy following Rosalie around!" I say angrily. I can't believe I just said that! I just gave away my jealousy. Forget the almost kiss; this is what's driving me crazy. I'm jealous of Rosalie because he has spent this entire week with her while I burn with rage inside.

"Is that what this is about? You're jealous of Rosalie?" He asks me softening his voice. I shake my head and cross my arms in front of me. He gets closer to me and lowers his head to search my eyes. I avoid him.

"Come on Bella, you know better than that." He tells me and I hear a bit of the Edward I know in his voice. "Get in the car." He commands once again. I stay put. "Please," he whispers and this time grabs one of my arms and pulls me to him. I comply without resistance because I've lost my conviction.

Edward has the ability to calm me even when he may be the one driving me insane. I don't know why. There's just something about his presence that's soothing. I remember when my mom died, he was the only one who could make me stop crying. He would hug me, or take my hand in his, or just sit down next to me, and for a moment I could breathe better.

Of course now, when I know I feel this way about him, the feeling has intensified. Everything he does affects me much more strongly than before.

"Rosalie's uncle is…capable of getting me into a college where I can do music. It's kind of a big deal. She says that if I'm good at anything music related, he can get me a scholarship. I'm supposed to be working on improving my abilities and stuff." He says while we are sitting in the car with the engine off. He's facing me with an expectant look on his face. It's almost as if he's waiting for my approval.

I'm happy for him. I truly am. He's thinking about the future, his future, and that makes me proud. However, I cannot stop thinking about the fact that I am no longer the only person who knows about his love for music.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask. He shrugs.

"I don't know…" He answers and for some reason I feel like he's lying. I don't call him on it though.

"If this is what you want, you know I'll support you. I…I'm glad you're doing this." I tell him after a while, making sure he knows I mean every word.

After that, he drives me to my house and we talk like nothing happened. Like he didn't break my heart the other night with the almost kiss, or as if he hasn't been ignoring me for the most part this week.

I guess I am to blame for our distance this week too. After all, I was being a bitch to everyone around me. He was giving me space, I suppose. I still would've preferred if he had just confronted me, like he has done in the past when I get like that. But I understand he had his own things to deal with.

I understand. I always understand.

The next day, Saturday, is the first football game of this season and there's a big party afterwards to welcome the new school year at Tyler's house. All the girls will be spending the night at Tanya's house, including me. Yay!

Edward and I arrive together to the field and I could say we are back to normal. The game is exciting, for people who enjoy it. We win thanks to the Cullen brothers and I pretend I am really happy for this trivial thing. The truth is, wearing the really short skirt of my cheerleading uniform for the first time in a couple of months; I have never felt more like a joke.

I am a joke. I come here wearing this and the false smile and the fake cheers, pretending to be someone I'm not. Every day I get closer to snapping. Every day I dream about telling everyone to fuck off and be myself. The saddest part is…I don't remember what "being myself" feels like.

After the game everyone goes to their house to dress up for the party. Instead of going to my place I stay at the Cullen's so that Alice can help me out. Of course she doesn't know that the reason I come here to get dressed is not to spend girl time with her, but to make sure I look the part.

She picks out a short pink skirt, a black top and a black pair of high heels. She claims my look is edgy feminine, whatever that means, so most of the time she dresses me in dark colors coupled with some electric one. I let her do whatever she wants.

While I wait for her to be done, I venture downstairs and find Edward on the living room. He's wearing dark jeans and a green sweater, as if his eyes need any more help. They are green enough. I go to him and punch him from behind and he screams some curses until he notices it's me.

"No need to be aggressive." He says.

"Oh you can't take that big boy?" I joke, mimicking the stance of a boxer.

"Damn, Swan, you look…smoking hot tonight." Emmett tells me coming out of the kitchen with a sandwich in his hand.

"Thanks Em." I say with a smug look on my face. I may not like dressing up and all that jazz, but I do enjoy the compliments. It makes me feel less…out of place.

"Are you trying to get laid at this party?" He asks me winking at me. I laugh at the funny look on his face while Edward snorts behind me. What was that noise for? I turn around to question him with my eyes but he doesn't answer.

Before I can ask again, Alice comes down the stairs pushing us to leave because she can't wait to see Jasper. Tonight the four of us are riding together on Emmett's jeep. Edward wasn't in the mood for having his car subjected to Emmett's puking. Because that is how the night is going to end. We all know that.

Tyler's house is packed by the time we get there. There are cars up and down his street. The music is loud and obnoxious, but thankfully there are no close neighbors to call the police or anything.

As soon as we are inside the house, I am left alone. Alice finds Jasper, Emmett finds Rosalie and Tanya corners Edward. I stay put in the middle of the living room while people walk around me to get drinks. The real party is happening in the backyard so I grab myself a beer and go outside. Kate is making out with Tyler and Irina is nowhere to be seen.

Great.

So I guess it's just me.

"Hey Swan." A masculine voice says from behind me. I turn around to find Peter. He is wearing a black leather jacket and is rocking the bad boy look that seems to be his only look.

"Oh, hi Peter. What's up?" I say nervously. Peter and I don't really talk. I don't know how to act around him.

"Not much." He answers cryptically. This is why I don't talk to him. I can't read him. I nod and smile awkwardly. We stand there in front of each other, sipping our beers and looking around. He looks so calm and collected like nothing fazes him. I don't know if it's an act but I wish I could look that cool.

"So…" I say awkwardly after a while. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye with a barely there smile.

"So…" He says back. I want to say something clever, because for some reason I think he thinks I'm stupid. Just when I open my mouth to talk, I see some movement inside one of the bedroom's window. The view is not that great because is on the second floor but I can clearly make out the two bodies there; Edward and Tanya. I see enough before looking away.

Peter gets in my face giving me a knowing look.

"You were saying…?" He tells me and I can't talk. I can't really breathe either.

"I need another beer." I tell him and he nods and walks to the house. While I am left alone, I try to control my breathing and take deep breaths. Peter returns and handles me the new bottle and I drink it quickly. He asks me to follow him after I'm done and I comply even though his presence is not really helping me feel better.

We walk to the deserted side of the backyard and sit on a big rock facing the house. It's a tricky thing wearing a short skirt but I manage. Being away from the crowd and the loud music soothes me a bit but my eyes still stare the bedroom window every five seconds. After some minutes of silence, Peter hands me a bottle of vodka. I give him a look and he just shrugs.

"I always carry one to these things." He tells me with a stoic face. I swear I can't figure him out. I take him up on his offer and welcome the burn of the alcohol in my chest. I know that I will start feeling buzzed in a while and that's exactly what I need. We drink in silence and I'm surprised by how normal this is. I complain about the cold and without uttering a word he takes off his jacket and places it around my shoulders. It smells…divine.

Why don't I talk to Peter? He is obviously not like the other guys at school. He is different. He is almost kind of dangerous. Maybe that's why. He kind of scares me a bit. I feel like if I get too close to him, he will notice the real me. Or at least notice I am not who I pretend to be. I can't let that happen.

The only one that can ever know who I am is Edward; Edward who is having sex with Tanya right this moment. I take a long shot of the vodka bottle.

"So…when are you going to tell him?" Peter asks me once I've passed the bottle back. The alcohol must be kicking in because I am sure I misheard him.

"What?" I ask back, and I'm surprised by how even my voice sounds. Maybe I'm not drunk yet.

"When are you going to tell him?" He questions slowly and I stiffen.

No.

No.

No.

"What are you talking about?" I mutter nervously. Maybe it's not what I think it is…

"When are you going to tell Edward you're in love with him?" He asks looking at me directly in the eyes, making sure I understand every word he just said.

And I do.

I hear him loud and clear and I want to die.

I throw up instead.

Great.

Can I say WOW? Because really, WOW. I am blown away by the response to this story.

You guys, along with the friends that have been supporting me on this, humbled me deeply.

It makes me feel AMAZING to know that at least one person takes the time to read, when it's more

than one, it's like winning the lottery! THANK YOU!

I hope you liked this chapter, so please drop a review and let me know, if you have questions, I'll answer.

Link to Bella's Outfit: www . polyvore cgi/ set?id=42712455& .locale=es (Remove Spaces where Needed)

Till next time, xo.