A/N: Wow. This fic is getting absurdly long. Like, seriously... I have about eight thousand things I want to happen between now and the end, and NO idea how I'm going to fit them all in. Why do I keep writing such monsters? Also, it seems to have fallen into a pattern of specific groups in each chapter... the next chapter is going to shake EVERYTHING up though. Promise. It will be UH-MAYZING.
Warning: Slash, swearing, and many cutes.
Disclaimer: I own Terry! Terry and his magnificence are all mine. Any other characters and situations you may recognise are not mine, please don't sue me because I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME (HE'S JUST A POOR BOY FROM A POOR FAMILY, SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!)
Note; not actually a boy, just quoting. I don't want half a dozen reviews that say 'OMG UR A BOY I HAD NO IDEA R U GAY?'
The Wooing Of Sirius Black
"Sirius! Hey, man, wait up." James waved, hurrying to catch up to his friend. Sirius appeared deep in thought, though he turned at James' call, waiting with a strangely deep look on his face.
"What's going on?" Sirius asked, once James had caught up and the two had resumed walking.
"Nothing, Padfoot. Just wanted to chat. You seem a bit... down lately." James shrugged, mind honed, ready and waiting to pick up on so much as the slightest hints Sirius may give him.
"I'm not down, really." Sirius sighed, adjusting his hair. "Just... introspective. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff the last couple of days."
"Like what?" James asked, silently thanking Merlin for an in so early in the conversation. "Is it to do with the stuff we were talking about the other day?"
Too obvious. Far too obvious. Sirius looked down at James, raising one eyebrow suspiciously. "And what do you mean by that?"
"Oh, you thought... I don't mean! I just... I mean, you were about to say... something when we were interrupted! That's what I meant. Not. Yeah. Sorry, mate." James blurted hurriedly, mentally changing his thanks to Merlin into the most vicious and nasty curse he could think of.
Sirius half nodded, looking up at the ceiling, adjusting his bag slightly on his shoulder. "But yeah. And some stuff I was talking to Remus about, and just... stuff in general." Sirius' eyes had that faraway look again, and James was relieved to be off the hook for now.
"He misses you, you know." James changed the subject slightly, remembering Remus' comments about how he and Sirius were always fighting. "We were talking the other day. He's sick of fighting with you all the time. He doesn't even know why it keeps happening. He just wants everything to go back to how it was last year, before... whatever this is."
"So do I." Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes in the weary gesture of a man three times his age. "I don't know why it keeps happening... he just... rubs me the wrong way, and then I snap, and he snaps back, and it's all a big mess and I just want to fix things."
"Talk to him." James urged desperately. "He wants to fix things too, he really does. He's been so messed up all year. He doesn't know how he feels about anything anymore... christ, he hooked up with a stranger, drunk. Moony's not alright. You have to talk to him."
"I will." Sirius said decisively, though James thought he saw that same exciting flash of hurt at the mention of Remus' actions. "I'll talk to him. We'll talk. We'll fix this."
"Atta boy, Padfoot." James grinned, giving Sirius a brief sideways, one-armed hug. "Now come on, tell ol' Prongsie what ails ye."
"I dunno." Sirius sighed, flopping exhaustedly onto a bench next to a statue of a jovial witch tripping over a flying carpet. "Everything. Every single thing in the world ails me, and I don't know where to begin."
"Pick up where you left off?" James suggested, falling into the seat next to Sirius and mentally apologising to Moony for missing History of Magic.
"I hardly even remember what we were talking about." Sirius sighed. "Everything's just a blur these days, I can barely pay attention, I'm so wrapped up in thought." He smirked, then continued speaking, in an extremely poor and crone-ish impression of Remus' voice. "And with OWLs only six months away!"
James chuckled gently. "You know he only wants us to pass."
"I know, and I'll probably owe him for the rest of my life, because there is no way I would even have reached OWLs without him. It still pisses me off though. Remus used to be fun."
"He's just stressing. We've all done it. Like you said, we'll thank him in six months." James said soothingly.
"I know, but remember the week before exams in second year? We were all down the lake talking about ways to sneak dungbombs into the castle for third year, and Peter got tired so you guys went up to bed? Remus and I sat out there until it got dark, tossing stones in the lake. I hit the squid and panicked when it came for us, but Remus was just calm as anything... he jumped up on a rock and teased it, then ducked out of the way... I admired his courage so much, and then he tripped, and I carried him back to the castle because he'd twisted his ankle and couldn't run. That's the Remus I miss. When's the last time he did anything fun?"
"Hey, he's not just some boring study machine anymore. He thought up the screaming food prank, remember?" James said, not sure whether to take the fond memory as a good or bad sign. "He's still exactly the same person you - remember. He's just under a lot of pressure right now, you know it'll be hard for him to get a job even with amazing marks."
Sirius nodded, rubbing his face. "I know. I know. I just... I dunno. I don't know what it is that's bothering me, and I don't know why I keep starting fights. I just... miss him."
"It's not too late to fix all that. He's been distancing himself all year because he's been stressed about exams, which we're not, and trying to figure out how he sees himself as an adult, which we're not, and sorting out romantic issues, which we're not. He's just doing different stuff. Mature twat." James smiled, and Sirius snorted with laughter.
"I guess. It kinda makes sense." Sirius said, and James gave himself a pat on the back for managing to mention the whole gay thing without giving it away whatsoever. "What do you mean, how he sees himself as an adult?"
"I... um... er..." James stammered, searching desperately for an excuse. "Like... career wise? We're all just kinda breezing through life, but Remus has to figure everything out in advance if he has any chance of getting anywhere."
"Ah." Sirius nodded, and James sighed in relief. "I never really thought about it much."
"I guess none of us did." James said, only just realising for himself at least part of the reason for Remus' change in demeanour this year. "We don't think about Remus much I guess, 'cause he's so quiet all the time."
Sirius nodded, eyes a million miles away. "I guess." He shook his head, trying to gather himself again. "Man, how mad is he going to be about us skipping History?"
"Furious." James grinned. "He might flay us alive."
"It's a distinct possibility." Sirius nodded. "Although he always has better death threats than anyone, it'll probably be a billion times more creative than anything either of us can come up with."
"Probably." James chuckled, glad to see the carefree smile on Sirius' face for one of very few times since he left his parents' house, though it was still marred by a strange, dreamy, faraway look around the eyes.
"Actually... I lied before." Sirius' tone changed at once, and he looked down at his knees, elbows on his thighs, forehead rested on clenched fists. "I remember exactly what I was gonna say the other day. It's just... difficult to put. Difficult to say out loud." Sirius sighed, rubbing his face angrily, and James stayed quiet, determined not to jinx it. "And you have to promise not to freak out or hate me or anything, because I think I would actually go completely mental without you to talk to."
"I promise." James said quietly, putting a supportive hand on Sirius' back. "You know I'll be here for you through anything, mate. Nothing you say will change that. We're brothers."
Sirius didn't shift his head, but James could hear the appreciative smile in his voice over the despair when he next spoke. "Thanks, mate. Dunno how I would deal with any of this without you. It's just... it's not easy to say. I've never said it aloud before."
"Wanna write it down?" James suggested, patting Sirius' back comfortingly.
"No, I... actually, yeah. That's a great idea. I'll write everything down and leave it on your bed when I'm done. Thanks, Prongs." Sirius looked up, smiling, and James was taken aback to see that his eyes were actually damp; Sirius hadn't been crying, but he was obviously close. James couldn't remember the last time he saw his friend this vulnerable.
"No problem, mate. I'm always here, whenever you need me." James smiled, and Sirius smiled back. They shared a quick manly embrace, then Sirius stood up, wiping his eyes, clearly embarrassed.
"C'mon. Moony'll probably butcher us if we're late to Potions after skipping History." He said, with a small chuckle.
"True." James grinned, and the two headed off, switching to easier conversation topics, James wondering all the while what would be in his letter when it arrived.
"James, I - oh. Hey, Remus." Sirius said, embarrassed, walking into the dorm room. "I thought James was here."
"Nah." Remus said, looking up from his notes. "He and Peter said something about Honeydukes and disappeared about half an hour ago."
"Ah." Sirius nodded, crossing to his own bed and sitting down, rubbing his face. "What're you doing?"
"Studying. Big Ancient Runes paper." Remus said, not looking up.
"Ah." Sirius said, and an uncomfortable silence followed, broken only by the rustling of Remus' papers.
"Wanna head down and join the others in Honeydukes? My sweet tooth's itching, and I bet chocolate would make those runes more enjoyable." Sirius suggested, unable to bear the burning emptiness between them.
"I really have to finish this paper, Sirius, but you go ahead." Remus still didn't so much as look up, and Sirius had to try his best not to be annoyed by this. As little as six months ago Remus would have been by his side in the tunnels at once, enjoying the adventure with him, but now... nothing.
"Come on, Moony? We'll only be gone an hour, tops. It'll still be there when you get back, I promise. You're surrounded by paper, you deserve a break." He pleaded, desperate to find his friend under the shell of this new Remus.
"Sirius! Don't make me lose my train of thought!" Remus snapped, then sighed. "Sorry. This isn't easy, I can't afford to take a break. Some other time."
"How long do you have for it?" Sirius asked, hoping for some future date they could spend time together, just doing the usual things.
"Two weeks, Sirius, please! Concentrating!" Remus snapped, quill flying over his parchment.
"Two bloody weeks! Come on, Moony, an hour's trip to Honeydukes won't kill you. Just you and me, no school, no runes, just an hour to unwind and eat chocolate with me." Sirius protested, and Remus finally looked up, throwing his parchment and quill down.
"Sirius, I said no! I have to focus on this paper because, in case you've never tried it, learning another language .easy, especially when it's a conglomeration of tens of ancient languages. ., and you going on about chocolate and bloody Hogsmeade is not helping!" Remus said angrily, fire in his eerily golden eyes. Sirius had forgotten it was two days before the moon, and Remus' temper was fiercer than normal around this time. Add that to the stress, and Remus being annoyed at Sirius in general, and it made for one peeved werewolf.
All of these sensible, rational thoughts raced through Sirius' head, settling themselves neatly in his consciousness as The Many Reasons Remus Is Yelling At Me, while Sirius' mouth chose to ignore sense and ration altogether, and was yelling right back of its own accord. "Merlin's BALLS, Remus, what is WRONG with you? You're so bloody wrapped up in school! You haven't done anything fun all year - you've completely deserted all of us, except for when you're telling us to study study study, for an exam that's six bloody months away! You've become a bore and an annoyance, Moony, and I don't know why I even fucking bother anymore. I don't." Sirius stormed out of the room, the door slamming firmly behind him. He was less than halfway down the stairs when he stormed straight into James, colliding sharply, and almost sending them both toppling down to the common room below.
"Bloody hell, Sirius, what's wrong?" James asked, seeing his friend's distressed, upset state.
"Me. I'm wrong. I am so bloody FUCKING wrong." Sirius yelled angrily, fist flying hard into the unforgiving stone wall. "I just yelled at one of my BEST friends for NO reason whatsoever, and I don't even know why I'm so FUCKING angry at him, but I want to smush his tiny scarred FACE and it's so STUPID because he didn't do a FUCKING thing."
"Woah. Calm down, Padfoot." James put a steadying hand on Sirius' shoulder, looking up at his friend. "We're gonna go down to the kitchens, you're gonna have a cup of tea, and we're gonna talk about it. We're gonna talk about everything, okay, and I'm going to help you sort it out. I'm really worried about you, Sirius, and we're going to work this out together. But first you're going to wait here, take a seat on the stairs, and THINK about things, and I'm going to go see if Remus is okay, because he is my friend too, and he's going through a lot more than you realise right now. Does that sound like a plan."
Sirius nodded roughly, flopping back into a sitting position where he was, without so much as a word. James, taking that as all he was going to get out of him, started to ascend the stairs, trying to work out this whole mess in his head. Feelings and whatnot had never been James' specialty, and all of the feeling involved in this current drama was so tangled and confusing it was almost impossible to figure out why the bloody hell anyone was doing anything.
"Remus?" James asked, opening the door to their room, heart breaking a little bit when he saw Remus hunched over his books, clearly crying all over his carefully jotted notes. "Sirius told me what happened... are you alright?" James crossed the room quickly, reaching out to enfold Remus in a tight, comforting hug.
"O-o-of COURSE I'm not b-bloody alright..." Remus sniffled, tears soaking the shoulder of James' clothes as he returned the hug gratefully. "Sirius hates me. I'm a bore and a-a-an an-noyance. That's all h-h-he s-sees me as anymore." He hiccuped the words between sniffs and groans. "I KNEW I w-w-was stupid t-to even th-th-th-think..."
"Oh Remus, don't! This is all my fault. I was talking to Sirius earlier, and he was talking about how he misses just hanging out with you back when you didn't have so many worries or so much work to do, and I guess it triggered something. It's not your fault, I promise, you didn't do anything wrong. Not a single thing, Remus. He's just stressed with the crap from his family, and he took it out on you because he's frustrated about all your study stuff, but it does NOT mean a thing, Moony. It doesn't. I'm completely convinced he loves you, Remus. A thousand percent sure. He's just too much of a thick-headed twat to do anything about it."
Remus nodded, face still buried in James' shoulder, tears still flowing thick and fast. "He's s-so angry though. He 's s-sick of me. I'm just useless. I don't know what he - I don't even... I don't know how to fix all this. I want to, god... I just want to make things right again. More than anything."
"I know." James sighed, stroking Remus' back comfortingly. "It'll all work out eventually, I promise. It's just going to take time."
"Remus?" James and Remus both turned to see Sirius in the doorway, a terribly sad, shamed look on his face. "Remus... god, I'm so sorry. I don't know... I just don't know." A lone tear trickled down his refined cheek, pausing when it encountered the light stubble that had begun cropping up more and more frequently as of late.
"Come on, Sirius. We'll get that tea, and talk about this." James said, patting Remus encouragingly on the arm. "Now isn't a good time. Are you gonna be okay, Remus?"
Remus nodded. "I'm sorry too, Sirius." He croaked, tears glistening in his eyes.
"Come on, Padfoot." James sighed wearily, standing up and walking towards his best friend, who was wearing such a look of heartbreak at the sadness in Remus' voice that it was almost impossible for James to keep anything close to a level head. "We've got to talk."
"Can I just... talk to Remus for a second?" Sirius pleaded, wet eyes still locked on his prone friend.
"Not right now. Consider me an official spokesman on Remus' behalf. You two talking probably isn't the best idea right now." James said, looking to Remus for confirmation, which he got in the form of a choked nod. "Come on Sirius. We've got to sort all this out, and if you two try to do it in the emotional state you're in all that's going to happen is more yelling and more crying, which is exactly what we don't want."
Sirius nodded grimly, and allowed James to lead him out of the room, the two of them heading towards the kitchens.
"What exactly happened?" James asked, as they wound the various corridors that lead to the kitchen. "No self-blame, just facts?"
"I was looking for you, but you'd fucked off to Hogsmeade, so I asked Moony if he wanted to go join you, but he started going on about some paper he has due in two weeks, and I just... snapped. I screamed at him. God, I'm such a twat!" Sirius exclaimed, punching the stone wall again, yet more skin scraping from his already bloodied and bruised knuckles.
"Sirius, Sirius, come on. Calm down." James grabbed Sirius' lean arm, holding him back from punching the wall again and doing himself further damage. "It's not your fault. You're stressed about everything. Remus will understand, you know he's just so tired of this fighting thing. He's probably already forgiven you and blamed himself."
"No!" Sirius yelled suddenly, and James jumped back, surprised by the outburst. "He didn't do a thing. Not a thing. It's my fault. I'm an idiot. I have to go apologise for him." Sirius turned abruptly, marching straight back towards the common room.
"Sirius, wait!" James followed him, not so sure an apology scene when emotions were running this high was such a good idea...
"Remus?" Peter asked, shocked to see his friend sobbing in bed upon his return to the dorm. "What happened?" He hurried over, opening the pocket he was pretty sure he had filled with chocolate for his friend.
"I-I-I h-had a b-big fight w-with S-S-Sirius. It w-was the b-biggest one w-we've ever h-h-h-had." Sirius sniffled, struggling to inhale between sobs.
"Oh no, Remus!" Peter hopped onto the bed next to him, embracing Remus tightly. "He doesn't mean it, he just doesn't know what to do with you anymore."
"W-what do you muh-muh-mean?" Remus said, curiosity clearly piqued.
"Well he's obviously mad for you." Peter smiled soothingly. "Anyone with half an eye could see that. But he's so confused by it all, especially since you've pulled away because you don't want him to know how YOU feel, that the only thing he knows to do is lash out, because he resents that part of himself, and he doesn't want you finding out. He fights you because he doesn't want you to know just how affectionate he feels for you."
"Whuh?" Remus blinked, slowly taking in all Peter had said. "Where did you get all that from?"
"Just watching the two of you." Peter smiled, wiping a stray tear from Remus' cheek. "I've known since... maybe second year that you were gonna end up together someday. He adores you, Moony, he just isn't quite as comfortable with it as you are."
"Wow." Remus blinked, tears completely stopped, an expression of shock on his face. "How did you know all that?"
"It's obvious when you pay attention to people." Peter smiled. "I'm not as loud as James and Sirius, and they like you more than they like me, so you get included in their loudness, but I'm always sort of sitting in the background." There was a note of bitterness in Peter's voice, but his face seemed calm and accepting. "I'm used to it at this point. It gives me a lot of time to people watch. I know so much about you guys, just from watching."
"Wow." Remus said again. "Oh Peter, I'm sorry. You're always so quiet in comparison to Sirius and James, I didn't even realise you felt left out. I'm so sorry."
"I'm used to it. I'm just kind of happy to have you guys in my life at all." Peter smiled. "You all underestimate me a lot. It's kind of like having a secret."
"I get you." Remus smiled, and Peter smiled back.
"There it is. Come on, have some chocolate. Sirius will probably be back to apologise soon, and in the mean time we can bitch about him and get fat." Peter smiled, and Remus gave a wet giggle.
"Are you sure you're not the gay one?" Remus asked, taking a piece of chocolate gratefully.
Peter chuckled. "Absolutely sure. I'll leave all the 'um err-ing' men to you, thanks."
Remus giggled again, and his face pinkened. "That wasn't even a thing. I was so drunk. I barely remember it. Sirius got me smashed, and then he left and I was all alone, and Terry started drinking with me, and it's all sort of a blur after that." He rubbed his face, and reached for another chocolate.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, there are probably people at this school who would kill to have had something like that. Terry's the only out guy at school, right?" Peter asked, unwrapping a BubbleBerry Pop for himself.
"He's not really out... people he knows know, and he doesn't try to hide it, but he doesn't flounce around the school in a rainbow speedo." Remus shrugged. "I'm jealous of how comfortable he is with it though. He just talks about stuff. He called me queenie once, like it was no big deal. After we... er... you know... he came up to the common room and sent up for me so he could apologise. It was really sweet."
"That's decent of him." Peter smiled. "What a gentleman."
Remus nodded. "He said he was really sorry for seducing me, and asked if I was even gay at all, or if it had just been one of those drunk things, and we got talking, and he said he didn't want a relationship or any of that stuff, it had just happened, and yeah. He was really nice and apologetic about the whole thing, and after that we just started talking about gay stuff every so often. I've never told him about Sirius though, I've always thought it would be sort of awkward."
Peter nodded. "Probably, since this guy was your first... whatever 'um er' actually means. What does he think about you being in the closet?"
"He's cool with it, but he doesn't really see why. He doesn't know about my furry little problem obviously, so he doesn't really get why I'm so secretive about everything." Remus said, around a mouthful of chocolate. "It just kind of becomes a habit after a while."
"Remus!" A voice from behind the closed door, immediately followed by the opening of said door, caused both heads to turn quickly, Remus hurriedly wiping the chocolate smears from his lips and swallowing his mouthful.
"Sirius, just leave him!" James panted, catching up with his friend, puffing with the effort of the run.
"It's okay, James. Peter cheered me up." Remus said, though his strained voice was anything but cheery. "We need to talk about this, anyway. Thanks guys."
"Are you gonna be alright, Remus?" Peter asked, standing up, a worried look on his face.
"Yeah, we have to just sort this whole mess out. I'll remember what you told me." He smiled wearily, and Peter nodded, heading for the door, and shutting it behind him to the protests of an overprotective James, leaving Sirius and Remus starkly alone, with nothing but a roaring silence.
"I'm sorry." Sirius' voice was so quiet and pathetic, that Remus didn't even hear it at first. When he did he looked up from fiddling with the scars on his hands to see the utterly devastated look on his love's face, Sirius staring down at the floor, long hair falling all about his head.
"It's alright, Sirius, but we need to actually talk about it. I've been talking to James a lot, and he said he talked to you, and you want to end all this stupid fighting rubbish as much as I do, so we need to talk about why we're fighting so much." Remus said, trying to remember Peter's assured tone when he spoke about Sirius' feelings, and using it to hearten himself.
"I don't even know why." Sirius sighed, walking over to his bed and sinking onto it, trembling so strongly Remus could see it from across the room, the normally cosy dorm feeling more like a gaping chasm right now. "I'm just... so scratchy. I don't know why... Moony, I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too, Sirius. I really am." Remus half-smiled. "But I only know what I'm going through, and my reasons from this end. I don't know what you're going through, and that's why we need to sit down and figure this out. I know I've been distancing myself this year, and there's a lot of stuff I just haven't told you, and that's why I think you've been pushing back so much - I'm pulling away, when we used to be so close, and it's putting pressure on our friendship."
Sirius nodded, the look on his face as though he were just realising this for the first time, which of course he was. "I guess. But why? Why have you been pulling away? It can't just be the exam stuff, we've been drifting since the start of the year."
"Like I said, there's stuff I haven't told you. I've been... changing a lot. Figuring things out." Remus sighed, a strange hollow feeling in his chest, terror and adrenaline rushing through his veins.
"Like what?" Sirius asked, clearly hooked on Remus' every word.
"Well." Remus took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and thought a tiny prayer for courage. "You heard from James, I... I lost my v-virginity back at Halloween. Everything since then has been k-kind of crazy." Remus was shaking so much his voice gained a trembling stammer. "I-I... Sirius, I... god, this is so hard to say. Please, just hear me out, and don't say anything or yell or leave or move or anything just... please." Remus' eyes were locked on his hands as he tried to build up the courage to speak. "I'm gay." The words seemed to echo in the thick silence, and Remus was unable to follow them up for several seconds, merely shaking and swallowing nervously, mouth dry and clammy. "I... I figured it out last year, and at Halloween after you left I... I slept with Terry Ball. I d-didn't know how to tell any of you, but Peter and J-James accidentally read my diary and figured it out, and they said I should t-tell you, but I've been trying so hard all y-year to keep it secret, and I just couldn't do it so I've been av-voiding you all year so this wouldn't happen, but h-here we are anyway, and I just hope you don't hate me now." Remus didn't dare look up to find out what expression Sirius was wearing, no matter how much he wanted to, instead he just sat and shook and slowly ran a nail up and down the deepest scar on his left hand.
"Oh." Sirius breathed, and Remus could hear him chewing his lip the way he did when he was searching for words or courage. "Oh. Wow. Moony, I had no idea." Sirius' voice was as shaky as Remus', if not more. "It's not - it doesn't change a thing. I promise. I'm... I'm not going to hate you over this. Of course not. It doesn't matter at all. I just... miss you."
Remus chanced a look up at last, and saw the mixed look of concern and caring and surprise and love on Sirius' face, and couldn't help the tears that found their way to his eyes. "Sirius, I... thank you. Thank you."
Remus barely even saw Sirius moving, and then he was by his side, and they were both hugging and shaking and crying, and Remus wasn't really sure why Sirius was crying, but it didn't matter because he may not have actually told Sirius how he felt, but he had finally, finally, FINALLY made that first terrifying step, and everything was going to be okay.
The amount of drama going on right now was enough to make ANYONE'S head spin, and Peter was incredibly glad that everyone had finally gone off to bed, and everything was quiet and safe. He could hear James' trademark snoring, the sniffling and whimpers that meant Sirius was having a bad dream again, and the occasional sleep sighs Remus would let out every ten minutes or so, accompanied by a shifting of blankets, and the occasional tired snuffling.
After a quick silencing charm, Peter deemed it safe to review the diary once more, although after today's big drama he felt worse about it, even though everything was out on the table now. He just... had to know now. He didn't even know why, he just had to.
Skimming to a random page, Peter started reading, trying to pick up on what part of the year it was from.
I'm so confused.
Sirius and I keep fighting all the time. Every time I see him I get this flash-memory of every single thing I love about him, and every reason I just want to be with him for the rest of my life, but then we start yelling and snapping, and I go right back to 'why do I even bother with this man?'
I had a picnic with Terry and his friends today. They're super nice, and they teased Terry about being gay, but in a nice way, and we all laughed along. Terry promised they don't know about me, but it was still a bit intimidating. I had a really great time though, everything is just... easier, with Terry. Nothing is ever a big deal, ever. He's so relaxed, we all just hung about and talked about school stuff and made fun of each other and ate, and it was really lovely.
In the middle of a huge massive Potions essay right now, urgh. Sirius is going to copy mine, I just know it. It bothers me that he doesn't take OWL year seriously. It's only the rest of our lives that we're talking about, no big deal.
And then I see him joking with James, and he does that smile, and I melt all over again.
Melt?
I blame Terry.
Stupid Terry.
I don't know why he's not awkward around me at all, I'm always so uncomfortable when he's about. What happened on Halloween changed everything for me, and it's like it didn't matter to him at all... I don't know. Maybe he does that a lot. Maybe he's just one of those people like Sirius who are never uncomfortable with anything. I don't know, but it's pretty offputting, and I'm almost jealous in a way. I want to live like that, just being myself, not having to worry about people being scared, or disgusted, or angry. I'm so sick of living in this little bubble of secrets, but I can't do anything about it. I can't do ANYTHING. I have too many secrets, and even if I just came out of the closet, it'd only be a matter of time before being in the public eye pushed the werewolf thing out, and then everything would be completely ruined forever.
I'm sick and tired of all this hiding. I just want to be able to be myself, all the time, and not have to worry about people finding out this, or being scared of that.
It's not even the transformations that bother me anymore. It's the box they trap me in.