I was Seventeen when I last felt hope… I could not recognize it now if it were to return.
We could not afford new black mourning gowns. As Prim and I sat in the front pew, I played with the black tassels on the shawl Madame Sae lent me to wrap around my grey dress. The priest continued to drone on and on about the continuation of life after death but I sat without listening to a word of it. I was creating lists in my mind. All sorts of lists: What we would need for our journey, how much money I could collect in the next few days from selling our things before the bills arrived, how much the combined coach fares for Prim and myself would be…
My Uncle and Aunt sat on the pew beside us. My uncle reeked of spirits while my Aunt sat primly with her hair coiffed above her head.
"We wish the House of Everdeen comfort in their time of sorrow. Please rise as we sing The Mourner's Hymn."
It was only once I was standing did I realize I was numb. What would happen now? Peeta had been away at Oxford for almost three months. I missed him like the sun misses the flower in the dead of winter. I longed to have him comfort me, to lend me a shoulder to shed my tears. I had no one at the moment.
When the ceremony concluded we accompanied the casket to the grave. The burial was slow, cold, and surreal. My aunt Effie wept openly. Her whimpers were very distracting. How could anyone cry and still manage such a squeaky octave?
"You girls will come and live with us now. I won't let my poor husband's sister's children live a life of ruin. We will create smart matches for you yet." She pinched Prims cheek for good measure. It felt as though she gripped my chest. Would Aunt Effie truly take us in? There had been no mention of it on previous occasions. Of course, my mother had been alive and- "It's settled then we shall leave for Newcastle on the morrow." I was jolted from my feelings of hope to those of sorrow.
"Newcastle?"
It was as far North as one went before they reached Scotland. Well, as far north as civilization went. How would I ever get word to Peeta? When would I ever see him? Oxford was still a day's drive from our current home in Winchester. He would never be able to make the journey to Newcastle to see me. We still had close to eight months until his eighteenth birthday. We could not elope before then. We would have nowhere to live and we could not risk his mother disapproving of the match and contesting his birthright.
"That is very generous, Aunt Effie. However, are you sure you would not be more comfortable having us remain here? We could-"
"Nonsense. As it is we were paying for you lot to remain here whilst your mother was ill but at this point it only seems logical to settle you in with us. You know I have never had daughters but, oh, how I have wanted to make a splendid match for the both of you! Ah! It's settled! This has become a big day indeed, darlings."
I laid awake that night. This would be the last time I slept in my bed. This room had been mine since I was a child. The idea of never returning haunted me. I feared shutting my eyes for what the dawn would bring. A change that I neither wanted nor was confident would be for the better. Well, not better for myself. Primrose was another matter. Beautiful Primrose with her wheat flower hair and her aquamarine eyes was meant for fine dresses and splendid soirees. I was better suited to the country. The quiet peace of forests and farmlands suited my sensibilities far more than tight corsets and the hot metal tongs to curl ones hair.
Were it possible, I would run tonight. If only Aunt Effie would be content to take Primrose and not myself. Peeta and I could marry. But I fear for the constitution of my sister. She was never meant to be alone. Mama's passing was very difficult for her. She sleeps now but it was I who rocked her so. It was I who spent hours drying her tears. Perhaps Aunt Effie would be pleased with my match. Peeta, after all, was still a Lord, a son of a Duke, it was not as though I were planning to run off with the footman. Would she cast off Prim if her sister left her in scandal? It was not a chance I could take.
A soft tapping appeared on my window. My heart leapt. Could it be? I ran to my sill. In the shadow stood a figure. He lightly threw pebbles. He took a step forward and his face came into the light for a moment. I bit my lip to hold in my cry of relief when I looked upon his face. I lifted my window as quietly as possible and made my way onto the roof. I had done so dozens of times in the past but tonight my nerves were making me clumsy in my haste.
I kept my arms out to my sides to steady myself as I balanced upon the loose shingles. I cringed as a loose piece fell from the roof and crashed to the ground below. I remained still and waited for a light to ignite in the window of my Uncle's bedroom. When all remained quiet I continued along my path and climbed down the ivy-covered trellis. When I was a stones throw from the ground, warm hands wrapped around my waist. I allowed Peeta to help me to the ground. He twirled my body and embraced me tightly. Wrapped in his arms in the shadows I felt as though I had taken my first breath of the day. As the tears began to flood my eyes he took my hand and ran with me towards the stables. We had long since let go our stable hand due to lack of funds and the barn had become the most private spot on the old estate.
The moment we were returned to the safety of the shadows I threw myself against his chest.
"I came as soon as I heard," he said. I nodded against his shoulder. His fingers ran in soft motions upon my back and soothed my nerves. "We must go now. If we leave tonight we will have a full day's ride before they come for us."
"What-"
"We will go. Tonight. To Scotland. To elope."
"You wish to elope, now?"
"I will not allow you to remain without protection."
"But you are not yet of age. Where shall we live?"
"I have some savings and I know that if I prevailed upon Marco he would assist us."
"The Duke would help us?" My eyes were skeptical though my heart held hope.
"He's still my brother, Katniss. He loves me. Us."
"Does he know of us?" I asked hesitantly.
"Not the full extent but he knows of our liaison, yes."
"But what of Prim? The scandal vould ruin her marriage prospects."
"Things would calm down before her season. Perhaps my brother would sponsor her."
"We cannot ask that of him."
"What has changed?" He held my face in his hands.
"Tis my Aunt and Uncle. They wish to take Prim and I to Newcastle."
"Newcastle? By god, why not to Shanghai?" He had a small sad smile upon his face.
"Please do not jest."
"And you wish to give Prim the opportunity to have a London season?"
"I do." I did. I could not doom my sister's future by being selfish enough to go after my own heart's desires.
He let out a sigh of resignation. "Then[1] we shall wait."
"How will we see each other?"
"This is an obstacle, I will admit. But nothing will keep me apart from you. Not for long."
"What do you mean?"
"We have eight months. We shall write. I shall come to call during summer holiday. And then[2] the moment I come of age I shall visit the family solicitor to receive the deed to the Mellark land promised to me. And I shall come for you." He cupped my cheek.
"You make it seem so easy."
"Not easy, necessary. I will do whatever is necessary to be with you. I love you. You are as essential to me as my soul." He kissed me then. I embraced him tightly and returned his kiss with equal fervor. Peeta was my forever and we would be together.
"When must you return to school?"
"Tonight. I must depart soon."
"You should not have come."
"I had to see you." He kissed me again.
"I love you."
"As I love you," he whispered upon my lips.
I slipped my hand into his coat. The hard, warm planes of his chest were beneath and I ran my hands over the solid muscle. The idea that we would not see each other again for so long made my soul ache. Peeta took in a sharp breath and brought his hands to my waist. His mouth came to my throat and he began to nuzzle and kiss my sensitive flesh. In the shadows of the abandoned barn, a spirit of bravery came over me. My hands ventured to the hem of my nightgown and I lifted the fabric above my head and placed it on the wooden half wall of the empty stall behind me. Peeta's eyes swept over my body, hungrily taking in ever curve. I shivered in the cool night air.
"I can help you with that." Peeta stepped forward and pulled me into his arms warming my body with his heat. He took my lips with his as one hand reached beneath my breast and squeezed the flesh, soothing the ache that had begun to accumulate in me all the while growing the fire within my belly. Trembling with need, I unbuttoned his shirt and pulled the panels from his trousers. He startled slightly at the feel of my hands on his hips. I kissed his neck as I searched for the button beneath that would release him to my hold. His scent was tantalizing and I kissed farther down his skin wishing to commit the smell to memory.
"I need to be one with you," I said looking up to meet his eyes.
"Anything you want. Anything, I will gladly give it to you."
He plundered my mouth with his tongue the way I begged for him to do with the rest of his body. He broke the contact of our lips and began to journey down my body. He stopped at the sensitive pink tips of my breasts and allowed his breath to caress the pert nipple. I shuddered in his arms, but he held me still. His mouth fastened around the aureole and I crooned beneath his attentions. He broke free and continued to venture lower, kissing the smooth line of my abdomen and continuing until his face was centered between the swell of my hips.
"You drive me mad. I want nothing more than to bury myself inside you and not emerge for weeks." I wish for that as well. He placed a kiss on my curls before looking into my eyes. "Since I will not be granted weeks, I shall ensure that tonight is magical enough to satiate my desires, until I can once again..." He moved his face lower and delved beneath the hood of my body to the sensitive bud beneath. He used his hands to spread my legs further apart and I obliged him, helpless to obey his demands. "...taste you."
"Oh," I moaned. His tongue caressed my folds and when he quickened his movements, I cried out and grasped his hair for support. The waves of pleasure built higher and higher within me. I shook with the heady sensations and dug my fingers even tighter into his locks.
"Please…Peeta..Please. So close."
The words left my mouth mixed in a quick line of gasps. His tongue journeyed further into my center as his fingers joined in to increase the pressure. His fingers traced the swollen folds of my cleft before parting me gently to gain better access to where I needed him most. My entire body throbbed as it balanced on the point of no return. Using the flat of his tongue Peeta pushed up against my throbbing clit and sent me spiraling over the edge of sanity and into ecstasy. I cried out as my body shook with the intensity of my release. He continued to place gentle kisses around the hood of my sex as I drifted slowly back down to earth. When I shifted my eyes to look at him a knowing smile played on his face.
"You are absolutely beautiful. I could watch you like this for the rest of my life." He said placing another sweet kiss upon my inner thigh. I shook my head. "No? Am I not permitted?" His eyes shown with the same adoration I knew was reflected in my gaze.
"I do not wish for you to watch." He smiled and leaned his cheek against my body.
"Than what do you wish for?"
"I wish for your participation," I said with a low whimper, as my body shook with aftershocks of the bliss he created. My hands grasped his and pulled him up to his full height. He put his hands on my cheeks and kissed me soundly.
"I believe that is something I can provide." Before I registered what he was about I was lifted up. I immediately wrapped my legs around his waist. With one arm securing me to his body and the other releasing himself, I was free to place kisses along his smooth skin. His fingers spread along my slit transferring the moisture from my body to his tip. The head of him pressed against my opening and he shifted his hold so that gravity would impel me deeper. We both moaned as we became one. The rough wood of the barn wall hit my back as Peeta propped me up against it for support. He thrust completely into me and I cried out in pleasure. His mouth contained my cries going forward as he repeated the process. His rhythm was strong and intense giving me pleasure both when he entered as well as withdrew. I would never get enough of him for as long as I lived. My walls tightened around him. Peeta let out a hiss between his lips and his forehead began to bead with sweat.
"You are incredibly tight." He groaned between kisses. His pace quickened and the extra friction now dedicated to my sensitive bud was enough to sprint me towards another release. His hands grasped my buttocks firmly pressing me even tighter against him. His shaft plundered my sex over and over until the tension of our contact pushed us both into an exquisite release. My walls pulsed around him as my orgasm coursed through me. We held tightly to each other long after we were both spent and exhausted.
We dressed each other quietly. Neither of us wished to discuss our final moments together for what would feel an eternity. Even if Peeta were able to slip away during his summer holiday that was still much longer than we had ever been apart.
"I...am frightened, Peeta." He came to me and placed a kiss on my forehead before taking his time with another, longer one on my lips. He pulled away slightly before returning and kissing me once more for good measure.
"I am only strong enough to pull away now knowing that soon we shall have forever." I nodded even as I felt the tears pool in my eyes. He kissed the palm of my hand. He moved away slowly until our hands no longer touched. When he stood in the last light of the moon's hallow he lifted his hand to his mouth and blew me a kiss goodbye.