Here is another chapter of Jareds struggles.

I do not own the Host once again

CHAPTER 5

Uncomforted

"Hello Iridescents Across the Night! Won't you take a seat and make yourself at home?"

I hesitated on the threshold of the Comforter's office, one foot in and one foot out.

She smiled, just a tiny movement at the corners of her mouth. It was much easier to read facial expressions now; the little muscle twitches and shifts had become familiar through months of exposure. I could see that the Comforter found my reluctance a bit amusing.

At the same time, I could sense her frustration that I was still uneasy coming to her.

With a quiet sigh of resignation, I walked into the small brightly colored room and took my usual seat-the puffy red one, the one farthest from where she sat.

Her lips pursed. To avoid her gaze, I stared through the open windows at the clouds scuttling past the sun. The faint tang of ocean brine blew softly through the room.

"So, Iridescents. It's been a small amount of time since you've come to see me." I met her eyes guiltily.

"I did leave a message about that last appointment. I had a mission that requested some of my time..."

"Yes, I know." She smiled the tiny smile again. "I got your message."

She was attractive for an older woman, as humans went. She'd let her hair stay a natural gray-it was soft, tending toward white rather than silver, and she wore it long, pulled back in a loose ponytail. Her eyes were an interesting green color I'd never seen on anyone else.

"I'm sorry," I said, since she seemed to be waiting for a response.

"That's all right. I understand. It's difficult for you to come here. You wish so much that it wasn't necessary. It's never been necessary for you before. This frightens you."

I stared down at the wooden floor. "Yes, Comforter."

"I know I've asked you to call me Kathy."

"Yes... Kathy."

She laughed lightly. "You are not at ease with human names yet, are you, Iridescents Across the Night?"

"No. To be honest, it seems... like a surrender."

I looked up to see her nod slowly. "Well, I can understand why you, especially, would feel that way."

I swallowed loudly when she said that, and stared again at the floor.

"Let's talk about something easier for a moment," Kathy suggested. "Do you continue to enjoy your Calling?"

"No actually." This wasn't easier. "I do not think I have what it takes to be a Seeker, to be honest"

"I understand. That is a job only a few can do successfully."

"I hear good things about you from Curt. He says your presence is among the most requested at the university."

My cheeks warmed a bit at this praise. "That's nice to hear. How is your partner?"

"Curt is wonderful, thank you. Our hosts are in excellent shape for their ages. We have many years ahead of us, I think."

I was curious if she would stay on this world, if she would move to another human host when the time came, or if she would leave. But I didn't want to ask any questions that might move us into the more difficult areas of discussion.

"I enjoy teaching with him," I said instead. "It's somewhat related to my Calling with the See Weeds, so that makes it easier than something unfamiliar. I'm indebted to Curt for requesting me."

"They're lucky to have you." Kathy smiled warmly. "Do you know how rare it is for a Professor of History to have experienced even two planets in the curriculum? Yet you've lived a term on almost all of them. And the Origin, to boot! There isn't a school on this planet that wouldn't love to steal you away from us. Curt plots ways to keep you busy so you have no time to consider moving."

"I know my host was more of a mechanical guy so i do find myself enjoying things like that too"

"Maybe if the Seeker doesnt work out you can do that instead. I'm sure they would love to have you at the university"

"I was thinking of the same thing"

Kathy smiled and then took a deep breath, her smile fading. "I know it really hasnt been that long since you've been to see me but I was wondering if your problems were resolving themselves. But then it occurred to me that perhaps the reason for your absence was that they were getting worse. Are you still having negative thoughts about the souls?"

I stared down at my hands and said nothing.

My hands were light brown-a tan that never faded whether I spent time in the sun or not. My nails were chewed short although they still had dirt under them. And my fingers were so long and thick-the added length of fingernails made them look strange. Even for a human.

She cleared her throat after a minute. "I'm guessing my intuition was right."

"Kathy." I said her name slowly. Stalling. "Why did you keep your human name? Did it make you feel... more at one? With your host, I mean?" I would have liked to know about Curt's choice as well, but it was such a personal question. It would have been wrong to ask anyone besides Curt for the answer, even his partner. I worried that I'd already been too impolite, but she laughed.

"Heavens, no, Iridescents. Haven't I told you this? Hmm. Maybe not, since it's not my job to talk, but to listen. Most of the souls I speak with don't need as much encouragement as you do. Did you know I came to Earth in one of the very first placements, before the humans had any idea we were here?" I shook my heand and she continued "I had human neighbors on both sides. Curt and I had to pretend to be our hosts for several years. Even after we'd settled the immediate area, you never knew when a human might be near. So Kathy just became who I was. Besides, the translation of my former name was fourteen words long and did not shorten prettily." She grinned. The sunlight slanting through the window caught her eyes and sent their silver green reflection dancing on the wall. For a moment, the emerald irises glittered.

I'd had no idea that this soft, cozy woman had been a part of the front line. It took me a minute to process that. I stared at her, surprised and suddenly more respectful and fearful. I'd never taken Comforters very seriously-never had a need before now. She understood strength. She could probably be the one to figure out my deep hatred for my own race.

"Did it bother you?" I asked. "Pretending to be one of them?"

"No, not really. You see, this host was a lot to get used to-there was so much that was new. Sensory overload. Following the set pattern was quite as much as I could handle at first."

"And Curt... You chose to stay with your host's spouse? After it was over?"

This question was more pointed, and Kathy grasped that at once. She shifted in her seat, pulling her legs up and folding them under her. She gazed thoughtfully at a spot just over my head as she answered.

"Yes, I chose Curt-and he chose me. At first, of course, it was random chance, an assignment. We bonded, naturally, from spending so much time together, sharing the danger of our mission. As the university's president, Curt had many contacts, you see. Our house was an insertion facility. We would entertain often. Humans would come through our door and our kind would leave. It all had to be very quick and quiet-you know the violence these hosts are prone to. We lived every day with the knowledge that we could meet a final end at any moment. There was constant excitement and frequent fear. All very good reasons why Curt and I might have formed an attachment and decided to stay together when secrecy was no longer necessary. And I could lie to you, assuage your fears, by telling you that these were the reasons. But..." She shook her head and then seemed to settle deeper into her chair, her eyes boring into me. "In so many millennia, the humans never did figure love out. How much is physical, how much in the mind? How much accident and how much fate? Why did perfect matches crumble and impossible couples thrive? I don't know the answers any better than they did. Love simply is where it is. My host loved Curt's host, and that love did not die when the ownership of the minds changed."

She watched me carefully, reacting with a slight frown when I slumped in my seat.

"Jared still grieves for Melanie," she stated. I felt my head nod without willing the action.

"You grieve for her." I closed my eyes.

"The dreams continue?"

"Every night," I mumbled.

"Tell me about them." Her voice was soft, persuasive.

"I don't like to think about them."

"I know. Try. It might help."

"How? How will it help to tell you that I see her face every time I close my eyes? That I wake up and cry when she's not there? That the memories are so strong I can't separate his from mine anymore?"

I stopped abruptly, clenching my teeth. I've said too much.

Kathy pulled a white handkerchief from her pocket and offered it to me. When I didn't move, she got up, walked over to me, and dropped it in my lap. She sat on the arm of my chair and waited.

I know it is uncommon for men to cry or to use those little peices of fabric so I just wipe my nose on my sleeve. She takes the handkerchief back.

"I hate this."

"Everybody cries their first year. These emotions are so impossible. We're all children for a bit, whether we intended that or not. I used to tear up every time I saw a pretty sunset. The taste of peanut butter would sometimes do that, too." She patted the top of my head, then trailed her fingers gently through the hair at the nape of my neck.

"Every time I see you it's longer. Why do you keep it that way?"

"It bothers him. He likes it short."

She didn't gasp, as I half expected she would. Kathy was good at her job. Her response was only a second late and only slightly incoherent.

"You... He... he's still that...present? "

The appalling truth tumbled from my lips. "When he wants to be. He hates that i work for them. He's more dormant while I'm working. But he's there, all right. Sometimes I feel like he's as present as I am." My voice was only a whisper by the time I was done.

"Iridescents Across the Night!" Kathy exclaimed, horrified. "Why didn't you tell me it was that bad? How long has it been this way?"

"It's getting worse. Instead of fading, he seems to be growing stronger. It's not as bad as the Healer's case yet-we spoke of Kevin, do you remember? He hasn't taken control." The pitch of my voice climbed.

"Of course he won't," she assured me. "Of course not. But if you're this... unhappy, you should have told me earlier. We need to get you to a Healer."

It took me a moment, emotionally distracted as I was, to understand.

"A Healer? You want me to skip?"

"No one would think badly of that choice, Iridescents. It's understood, if a host is defective -"

"Defective? He's not defective. I hate myself for taking his life away!" My head fell into my hands as the humiliation washed through me. Fresh tears welled in my eyes.

Kathy's arm settled around my shoulders. I was struggling so hard to control my wild emotions that I harshly pulled away; it felt too intimate.

It bothered Jared, too. He didn't like being hugged by an alien.

Of course Jared was very much present in this moment, and unbearably smug as I finally admitted to his power. He also had a different emotion I did not understand. Understanding maybe? No.

I tried to calm myself so that I would be able to put him in his place. You are in my thought was faint but intelligible. How much worse it was getting; he was strong enough to speak to me now whenever he wished. It was as bad as that first minute of consciousness.

Go away. It's my place now. Never.

"Iridescents, dear, no. You cannot talk like that of yourself."

"Its true though. We came here and murdered innocent beings. Taking away everything they know and loved..."

"Listen to me. We did not take anything from them. They were weak and naive, not appreciating the world that they had. You are strong. Surprisingly strong. Our kind are always so much the same, but you exceed the norm. You're so brave it astonishes me. Your past lives are a testament to that."

My past lives maybe, but this life? Where was my strength now?

"But humans are more individualized than we are," Kathy went on. "There's quite a range, and some of them are much stronger than others. I truly believe that if anyone else had been put into this host, Jared would have crushed them in days. Maybe it's an accident, maybe it's fate, but it appears to me that the strongest of our kind is being hosted by the strongest of theirs."

"Doesn't say much for our kind, does it? We're just stronger murderers"

She heard the implication behind my words. "He's not winning, you are this handsome person beside me. He's just a shadow in the corner of your mind."

"He speaks to me, Kathy. He still thinks his own thoughts. He still keeps his secrets."

"But he doesn't speak for you, does he? I doubt I would be able to say as much in your place."

I didn't respond. I was feeling too miserable.

"I think you should consider reimplantation."

"Kathy, you just said that he would crush a different soul. I don't know if I believe that-you're probably just trying to do your job and comfort me. But if he is so strong, it wouldn't be fair to hand him off to someone else because I can't subdue him. Who would you choose to take him on?"

"I didn't say that to comfort you, dear."

"Then what -"

"I don't think this host would be considered for reuse."

"Oh!"

A shiver of horror jolted down my spine. And I wasn't the only one who was staggered by the idea.

I was immediately repulsed. I was no quitter. If I was to give up then I would just be throwing his life away and taking someones elses. Even though I feel bad for what I am, he doesnt deserve to die. I am the one who should be taken out and let die. All the souls should.

They think they make whatever we took better, more peaceful and beautiful. That the humans were brutish and ungovernable. They had killed one another so frequently that murder had been an accepted part of life. And the various tortures they'd devised over the few millennia they'd lasted. But were we any better? What of the host that did survive along with the soul wasnt that the worst torture in itself? To be trapped in your own head, watching. Yes the majority of the population no longer fought with one another but families were no longer linked together, just strangers in each others bodies.

Your kind murder an entire species and then pat yourselves on the back.

My hands balled up into fists.

I didnt choose to be what I am. I didnt choose to come here. To be put in your body, I reminded him.

Go ahead and switch bodies. Make my murder official. You're just like the rest of them.

Dont you think i know what I have done to you. What my species has done. I am not proud of that.

I'd never thought one of you had a conscience. Then again you are a Seeker and they lie for a living. Just switch bodies and let me die.

If that is what you really want.

I was bluffing, but so was Jared.

Oh, he thought he wanted to die. He'd sliced his throat and thrown himself out a window, after all. But that was in a moment of panic and defeat. To consider it calmly from a comfortable chair was something else altogether. I could feel the adrenaline-adrenaline called into being by him fear-shoot through my limbs as I contemplated switching to a more pliant body.

It would be nice to be alone again. To have my mind to myself. This world was very pleasant in so many novel ways, and it would be wonderful to be able to appreciate it without the distractions of an angry, displaced nonentity who should have had better sense than to linger unwanted this way.
Jared squirmed, figuratively, in the recesses of my head as I tried to consider it rationally. Maybe I should give up...

The words themselves made me flinch. I, Iridescents Across the Night, give up? Quit? Admit failure and try again with a weak, spineless host who wouldn't give me any trouble?
I shook my head. I could barely stand to think of it.

And... this was my body. I was used to the feel of it. And I liked the way the muscles moved over the bones, the bend of the joints and the pull of the tendons. I knew the reflection in the mirror. The sun-browned skin, the high, sharp bones of my face, the long slightly curled hair, the sienna of my eyes-this was me.

It will never be truly you.

I wanted myself. I wouldn't let what was mine, for now, be destroyed.