The trip to the Temple courtyard was slow and depressing. The sun was shinning, the Gizka were frolicking, but everything was just too quiet and grim for Revan.
She could remember why she'd fallen the first time. The guilt and pain of so many deaths. So many, many, sacrifices to the will of the Force. And it had to mean something. For her to ensure that, she had to have power.
She was trying to ignore what Carth had said to her. Although Revan remembered her life as a Jedi, she still didn't remember much of her time as a Sith Lord. She didn't want to remember it. She could almost believe that Darth Revan had been a bad Force dream. As if the suffering she'd caused hadn't been real. But it had.
Revan had chosen the dark side and then become unable to revoke that choice as the corruption of the Star Forge controlled her. And her determination to make those early sacrifices mean something had just caused more sacrifices. Millions and millions of deaths. Until now she had been able to convince herself that her fall to the dark side had been necessary.
"You fell last time Revan. Was that your destiny?"
The Temple was ominous. And despite her bravado earlier, Revan was glad that she hadn't entered alone. She was relieved to have been joined by Jolee and Juhani at their own insistence. Putting Carth's words out of her thoughts she focused her mind on the moment in order to fight the fledgling Sith infesting the Temple. Revan ignited her lightsaber and entered the fray.
Finally they reached the roof and Revan was suddenly aware of a presence. Bastila.
She's here. And she's a Sith.
Revan struggled to control herself. It's nothing you didn't suspect. It was a logical thing for Malak to try to turn Bastila. Her Battle Meditation made her very powerful and beyond that it would be a psychotically blow to the light side. But Malak was less strategic than the former Darth Revan. He had not considered that a dark side Bastila would be eager to follow a dark side Revan. The force bond between them, if nothing else, would assure that. Was it the bond? Did I doom Bastila myself? Perhaps she had. But in battle it was inconsequential. Bastila was now her enemy. If there was hope for me, there is hope for her, no matter what happens here. You haven't defeated me Malak.
Seeing Bastila again and fighting her was exhausting. Technically it had been a victory, she had not given into the dark side and Bastila yet lived. And they could leave the planet now. But in many ways it seemed like she had lost.
She had found herself walking ahead of Jolee and Juhani, trying to clear her head. However, it appeared Jolee was trying to catch up with her. She could have outdistanced him, but it didn't seem to be worth the effort.
"It wasn't your fault you know. Bastila made her own choice. And joining her would only have condemned her, and yourself."
"You considered that I might fall back to the dark side because of the Temple?"
"Because of the Temple. Because of Bastila. Because of anything, really. You were a Sith Lord Revan. But you were also a Jedi hero. You made the right choice. And if anyone can bring Bastila back from the dark side, it's you."
"You helped me Revan," came Juhani's strange accent, "I believed myself beyond redemption and you came along and believed in me, as I once believed in you. You were then and you are now a light of compassion. Bastila will see that too when you meet again. It was why she ran from you this time. Your forgiveness scares her."
"You'll remember who you are Revan. And we'll be there with you."
Revan had not had many friends in her life. She had allies, not friends. Unfortunately, everyone on the Ebon Hawk seemed dead-set on being her friend. Mission. Jolee. HK-47. Yup, that was her, friends with an assassin droid. Well, better than being in love with one.
They could have left the planet already but Revan had ordered them all to sleep and heal their wounds from their time on this strange beach world. Canderous had been scratched by a Rancor's claws. Juhani had a few lightsaber burns and some sort of weird insect had covered Mission's arms in bites. Since she had ordered the droids to power down it was just her wandering aimlessly around the silent ship, trying to avoid facing her thoughts.
"Revan?"
"Carth?" she said surprised, "I thought you were asleep."
"Not happy to see me beautiful? The truth is I wanted to talk to you."
"Really? I think the tactical plans for the Star Forge assault are pretty good. As good as we're going to get anyway."
"Not about assault plans sweetheart. I wanted to talk about you."
"About me?" she straightened slightly, "I'm a light-sider Carth. It's what I have to be, for the galaxy. You were right, I messed up last time. For the sake of everyone I betrayed I won't let myself turn."
"That's just it, Revan. When you said that you got defensive, like you thought I would say you were doomed to be a Sith or spit at you, or something. You've been miserable ever since we got to this planet, like you're flying through a storm cloud and can't see the way out."
"I haven't been..."
"Staring at the walls for hours at a time? Generally being sulky and making terrible jokes to cover it whenever anyone talks to you?"
"Carth. My jokes are not terrible."
"See, there it is again. Usually you're not so transparent. I wondered about you on Taris. I'd never met a rookie who could talk anyone into anything like you."
"I'm not a rookie."
"No. You're a Jedi. And I'm beginning to understand that I know even less than I thought I did about what that means. I don't know if I'll ever understand you, Revan. If I'll ever understand what goes around in your head. But I'm here if you need me. I just, I just want you to know that."
His voice got softer as he said the last part. His eyes were intense and sad, she could tell, even though she had her head tilted down. She could tell he felt defeated, as if he hadn't gotten through what he wanted to say. He finally sighed heavily and started to turn around.
For some reason, she felt a strong desire to ask him a question.
"Carth? What would you say if I told you I'd killed you?"