Well, it seems that I am into darker themes again…I am really interested in different kinds of happy endings; those we hardly think of happy as such. Simple things are nice and I so like real life events that could actually happen. This story might be more graphic, hard to tell. I apologize in advance if it disturbs anyone. Anyways, all love does not need to be said out loud, you know? We know it is still there even though it does not scream at the top of its lungs.
Please do not flame (I do not find a reason for it so you better not either). I apologize for the possible misspellings and other errors.
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Pairing: Sasuke x Naruto
Summary: Boys do not hold hands with one another, mom said. But we hold so many things in our lives and we scream with tiny voices. Getting older means screaming harder. So many mistakes, do we have enough time to correct them all? SasuNaru, M.
Disclaimer: I have no rights over the characters or whatsoever (do not sue me Mr. Kishimoto), I am just loaning them and returning to the rightful owner (Mr. Kishimoto).
I slept like two days in a row and I am amazed that mom did not wake me up - maybe she actually believed dad this time. Anyway, Sasuke really left like he said he would. It was not such a shock as I thought it would be. People grow apart. Our weird night was not that much of a shock either - more or so, I pushed the memory of it to the farthest part of my mind and let it suck dust there. It is not like I wanted to remember the whole thing anyhow. Getting beaten up and fucked, those things happen.
It was far more nerve-wrecking when Sasuke came back after five years…five years went by like nothing or maybe my memory just plays pranks on me. Forgetting is something I am good at. Occasionally I missed him, but my girlfriend kept me inside her magic circle and things like "Sasuke" did not penetrate that. Likewise she kept my lower part occupied so that I did not even think about the fact that the sex with Sasuke was ever even there. He did not inform me that he was back, we did not make any promises - we just happened to run into each other in the mall.
There was no escape and I had to plaster a smile on my face. Fancy meeting you here, I say to him while he clearly ogles me and my girl. Fancy, fancy, he says neutrally back. We are over twenty and it feels like there has not been any progress at all. We have not matured at all or time took steps back without asking us first. We used to be best friends and now there is not even a sign proving it ever being so. I used to tell him everything, he laughed and that time he puked on Anya's carpet. Suddenly all those things feel so unreal as I stand here and watch Sasuke's posture.
So, this is your friend, eh Naruto, my girl asks me and watches us carefully. Sort of, I reply trying to dodge the question and at the same time Sasuke's uninterested eyes. You must have a lot to talk about, she chirps and I so would love to strangle her. Do we look like we have anything to discuss anymore? Is she blind or what? I try to come up with excuses, but it is a futile attempt. Fuck this shit. I go ahead, you guys take your time, see you tomorrow at the campus Naruto, she smiles and I want to flee. Campus, Sasuke asks but I take it as a rhetoric question and only cough back.
You have not changed one bit, I retort and he says that I have regressed. Even with the stupid remarks, we still end up walking side by side only filling the air with unnecessary notions. There is stiffness, but it is a whole new experience compared to that of a few years ago. This stiffness is almost pleasant, but then again as tangible as air and I think it kicks too. Somehow I follow him to his apartment which is near the park where we used to play and later on get drunk. It is easy to follow someone like this when there is no aim - the aim is where you find yourself which in this case means Sasuke's ugly blue door.
Want some coffee lover boy, he asks and lights his cigarette. Bad habits you have got, I scold him suddenly so playfully. He makes us coffee and we drank the bitter liquid from ugly mugs. Ugliest mugs I have ever seen, I tell him and he says that he chose them just to piss me off. I pretend this is your blood I am drinking, I say out loud and we slurp the tar loudly enough for the neighbours to hear. I should get going, I get off of the chair. Suddenly out of the blue he asks me to stay, "Want to spend the night" leaves his lips and I do not know why I agree just as suddenly.
I like your leather jacket, I mumble and he pours me more that nasty coffee. You can have it if you want, Sasuke says to me but I answer that it looks better on him and he should trust me on that. You know, we cannot pretend the past never happened, I sigh and I can see how the hair on the back of his neck stands up. Well, that was then and this is now, he mumbles and does not face me. Where were you, I ask him curiosity honeying my voice. Here and there is the answer and I want to beat him up with the spoon. I have been quite aggressive these days it seems.
You know, you were my first, I tell him though it sounds so girlish that I have to swallow the upcoming vomit. Just letting you know, I continue and my voice is oddly calm as I return to the fateful day so many years ago. I kind of figured that much, he murmurs as if detached from this world. The sound of his voice is as hollow as a tree trunk. To tell you the truth, I do not know how I can be so calm about the fact that we broke our promise and fucked like rabbits, I almost talk to myself my voice calm and steady. Sasuke drops the mug and the coffee spills out on the floor. I am good at facing facts. Sasuke is not.
He bends down to wipe it, swears and says that this is not actually a topic he cherishes. You could have at least used a condom, I remark lazily which even surprises myself since it never occurred to me before this. He actually did not use any protection for fuck's sake - not that I begged for any…Sasuke looks ultra-uncomfortable and scratches the back of his head. I was a kid back then and so were you, like hell I even thought of something like that…I did not even know what I was doing, he sighs. I had watched shady porn and I had weird feelings I could not understand myself, the old shit about being lost, he then says sadly.
Did you find yourself, I ask him and "somewhat" is his silent reply. I know what that "somewhat" means and I do not wonder anymore why he had to flee from his father - from everything. Sasuke looks miserable but in a calm way. Do you still want to stay, his voice almost pleads. At least I hope I was the best, I grin and tell him that I already said I would stay. He looks relieved and we end up ditching the coffee. We move on to beer and some random snacks. Somewhere along the way my smile infects his lips and cheeks making Sasuke smile too for the first time in ages. I ruffle his hair and he looks the same when he was ten years old.
It is already late and he says I can sleep in the bed while he would take the sofa. It was fine by me - it was his apartment so I took it as an order instead of a suggestion. I lie on the bed, but I cannot really sleep. It is not because I am thinking too much, but more like there is nothing going on in my head. It does not take that much time until Sasuke crawls into the bed with me his hair mushy and bare feet making funny noises on the floor. Heh, it is much warmer with the two of us. Soon sleep gets a hold of me and the last thing I remember is Sasuke's warm shoulder against my side.
The clock says it is seven in the morning and outside it is still somewhat dusky. Sasuke is awake too, both of our eyes a bit swollen from sleep. With bare feet we head to the balcony and heck the floor is cold. It makes my toes curl. The air outside is a little crispy, but fresh. Sasuke takes out the pack of cigarettes which he grabbed from the night table. He lights one and I move closer to the handrail. I place my palms on the cold bar, breathe deep and scream at the top of my lungs. There is no one outside and only my voice echoes through the yard.
Fuck, that felt good, I grin and Sasuke looks at me with an expression I cannot read. You try that too, you know, cleans the air or something, I smile and he hesitates. He offers me his smoke which I place between my lips like a substitute kiss. I step back and let him closer. Sasuke's grip turns his knuckles white as he screams everything which has been bottled up inside of him. His face turns into a pinkish shade and now it is my turn to look like a proud father.
I did not know you smoke, he then breathes rapidly. Well, occasionally, I laugh and give back what is left of the cigarette. We stand in a perfect silence until Sasuke says that I should probably bring my own toothbrush to his place. He looks passive, but I know he asks for approval. I step closer to him, take his face into my palms and swiftly press my lips on his. The kiss is gentle and soft. Then I let go of his face and head inside. He follows me inside somewhat stupefied. That meant yeah, I grin.
I am so hungry, I murmur and Sasuke leaves for the kitchen me following his dark figure. If anyone would saw this they would probably think that the air around is stiff as hell, but actually he is very relaxed. I can see it from the movements of his hands, the way he looks and the way he talks. While he makes us bacon and eggs I think to myself how funny this all is. Like, sometimes you know what is going on without asking, without clarifying things - they just seems to be right just the way they are. There is no need for "love yous", "want yous" or such things; those are there even without words.
I am not a guy that declares love every given opportunity and I am not even sure whether I know what it is, but it must feel good. This feels good, waiting for breakfast, watching Sasuke move around in the kitchen and knowing that there is a tomorrow when I wake up. I do not want to put in words what is this we have, since it might disappear like that. Screaming is good, kissing is good, he is good and I bet there is much more goodness out there. Okay, I cannot help myself…
I owe you for the fuck in your dad's car, I say nonchalantly and Sasuke chokes on his coffee. I laugh my arse off as the coffee stains his shirt and the table. Fuck you, he groans and I laugh that this time around it will be the other way around. I want to pound some arse too, I continue and Sasuke has hard time just breathing. Shit, what have I done, he murmurs more loudly and I start to dance around in the room singing "These Boots Are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra. Sasuke looks like suffering and cries why the hell I am an idiot, but I just slide on the floor towards the coffee pot. I am going to make the coffee from this day onwards my love, yours is like tar, I say and let the water boil again.
Sasuke moves closer from behind me and presses his head against my back - hey happy morning. He blows in my hair, I laugh and I bet we both wish the time would stop. Shit, I murmur as I remember that I should call my girl. Or should I just be an arsehole and just delete her number? Sasuke slaps the back of my head and says that if I am not going to call he will choke me with my phone, sticking it deep down my throat. You are as rude as ever, I sigh. Of course I would have called - I am not inconsiderate. It is just that I do not know how to explain this.
She picks up the phone and I tell her I am getting married to a dude in some European country. I continue that he raped me when we were kids and that our love is violent and obnoxious, but oh-so-true. My now ex-girl huffs, but soon realizes I am not joking. She hangs up and Sasuke fumes. I did not lie, I say heartily. You are one sick fucktard, he sighs and we laugh. We joke around some more, but I know I made him happy. Hopefully the happiest person alive.
It is my birthday today - 24 years already. So, as a present, tell me what you thought about this :) ?