I admit, it took me a while to write this one. Generally speaking, I don't feel like writing lately, which I know is a lame excuse, but oh well! Lots of things going on.

Plus, pictures steal my time.

Many, many thanks to my beta, DeliriumGothique, for her time spent on this one :)

Comments of all kind are very welcome! Also, Bioware owns all, blah blah.

Entry 4

...feeling even more homesick than I ever felt...

'Dear Mum and Dad.'

I try to sit more comfortably on the chair in the Com Room and I stare in the small eye of the extranet camera. It is my turn to record a vid-log for my relatives, so it can be sent their way along with all the other messages the rest of the crew is sending. I heard it is going to be put through some sort of scrutiny and any parts that could reveal anything about our mission, are going to be cut out. The need to keep all details secret is also the reason why the Com Room and its blank, casual wall have been chosen for the recording area.

'I hope you two are doing well, and that Sarah and Dylan are being good kids when their big sis is not around.'

The semi-transparent globe of EDI's hologram is glowing lightly a little to the left and behind the camera. It is a weird feeling, being observed by her. Although as an Artificial Intelligence she does not have optic units as such, she is constantly monitoring life on the Normandy through dozens or maybe hundreds of little cameras and sensors. Right now she is here with me, because I specifically asked her assistance while recording the video. She is supposed to flash red at me, whenever I get to a topic that might be compromising for the mission. I am resisting an urge to lick my dry lips.

'I cannot tell you too much about what I am doing right now; you know, all those heavily funded companies want to guard their secrets well!' I continue, looking at EDI with a corner of my eye. 'But it is great here, you know? I am meeting lots of really amazing people '

I suddenly picture Doctor Solus in his lab, pretty close to my current whereabouts. There is no denying, he is amazing in some creepy and mind-boggling way. Then my thoughts jump to Vakarian and I suddenly find myself smiling. I wonder what my parents would say, if they knew the "amazing people" are mostly aliens.

'It is really great to be able to work with them, you know? And it is important. It really is. You remember how I told you I am going to apply for that big, big thing that is going to make changes in the Galaxy? Well Mum and Dad, this is it!'

EDI "beeps" at me once, letting me know that my recording time is coming to an end. I clear my throat and fix my stare at the camera eye.

'I cannot tell you when this thing will be over, but I hope to pay you guys a visit once it comes to an end. I really miss Demeter colony! And I miss my sweet brother and sister, so if they are here and I know they are give them a gigantic hug from me, will you? I miss you all and I love you!'

I put the biggest smile I can master on my lips and wave towards the camera until EDI blips at me again. I put my hand down and sigh much deeper than I possibly wanted to.

'Are you all right, Doctor Johannsen?' Asks the modulated voice of the ship's AI and I think about my answer for a few moments. The truth is I am not really "all right". We had more news reports coming in about the colonies that had been abducted and I cannot deny that I am starting to worry whether our mission is going to end as optimistic as I have originally assumed. Luckily, I do not have to worry about my family Demeter is located far away from Terminus systems, being one of the first colonised worlds and close to Earth but myself... I suddenly feel a cold sensation on my cheeks and I know it is because my skin is getting white and bloodless. It is clearly a symptom of an incoming panic attack. I curl my hands into fists to stop it, nails pinching skin on the inside of my palms. I must not let it overwhelm me. I am safe on this ship, safe under the command of the only person in the Galaxy who can possibly lead us against the Collectors and win. I am safe on Jake Shepard's ship.

'I feel fine, EDI, thank you,' I say out loud and I smile weakly to the hologram. 'I should make the room for another person, right?'

I do not know if the AI believes me or not - assuming an AI does recognise the term "to believe someone" but she makes no remark when I stand up and walk towards the door of the Com Room. When I open it, I notice the queue in the corridor is taking a definite turn to the left, through the open slide door to the Armoury. I suppress a small smile. No wonder nobody wants to spend their waiting minutes in the Technical Lab with Doctor Solus. I know better than anybody else how awkward the salarian can be when he is in a questioning mood.

Nevertheless, I head to his laboratory at once. He informed me that he will be expecting my help once I am done with the video. I wonder what he will come up with this time. Ever since he joined the Normandy and asked Shepard for my assistance, each day has become an even bigger surprise. During the last three days, for example, he managed to assume human hair serves as cooling organ and that five fingers evolved so we can play cat's cradle (he was really disappointed he cannot do that); and I am running out of ideas what is going to come up in his mind next. It is oddly thrilling, to be honest. And despite how crazy the salarian sounds, I think I can safely assume he is less harmful than most of the crew thinks him to be a little out of it, true, but none of his experiments are putting the Normandy at risk.

Well, to be completely honest, not willingly, at least.

He does not notice me when I enter the lab not at first, anyway. Hunched over a microscope and humming to himself, Doctor Mordin can be completely unaware of his surroundings when he is concentrating on something. I have already realised it is not advisable to interrupt him, so I turn my attention to the cell cultures on the shelf. Making notes about their progression is one of the few things the salarian allows me to do. I admit, at the very beginning I was expecting him to burden me with all the cleaning, as it usually happened when I had been someone's assistant before. He surprised me, though. He does everything by himself and only lets me do things I request. I really do not know why he has asked for my help in this laboratory Except for the talks.

'Ah! Doctor Johannsen. Good to see you today,' he says suddenly and I turn around to smile at him.

'Same to you, Doctor Solus.'

'Had something here that might interest you. One moment.'

He takes a few more minutes to insert some data into his omnitool and then he reaches to the drawer and presents me with a vial. I carefully take it from him. Liquid inside is transparent and indistinctive. I know it can be anything, from a sample of our breakfast to some sophisticated poison that would only work on a hanar.

'What is it?'

'Virus strand, mutated to be a gene carrier. Very specific gene.'

I cast a quick glance at him, uncertain what my reaction should be, but the salarian is smiling at me encouragingly, corners of his wide mouth twisted upwards.

'That is uh, interesting? What kind of gene?'

'Yours, in fact. Have isolated the genes responsible for the pigmentation of your keratin strands. Made the virus their carrier. Harmless, really,' Mordin pauses for a moment. 'Unless someone in favour of their hair colouration. Made a sample for testing.'

'What exactly are you planning to do with this?' I ask, trying to keep the shock from my voice. Granted - I gave him a strand of my hair, because one cannot resist constant nagging forever - but I definitely was not expecting this as an outcome.

'Application simple. Direct contact with the skin required,' he says, completely oblivious to my dismay. 'Would like to find a suitable test subject. Not you, obviously. Perhaps Miss Chambers.'

'Wait, you are thinking about applying this- this virus gene carrier to Kelly?' I ask. I have to admit, I am a little overwhelmed by the situation. 'And then what she goes blonde?'

'Supposedly, yes. Might also lose her hair.' He blinks, when I give him another horrified stare and raises his arms reassuringly. 'Probability of that very limited, though. Plus, she seems to be colouring her hair already. Might submit to the experiment with great enthusiasm.'

'Doctor ' I sigh and rub my forehead with my free hand. 'I do not think this is the best idea.'

The look he gives me is full of injured pride.

'Ran simulations on the virus progression. Successful gene application present in ninety nine point five per cent of cases,' he says and opens his omnitool to show me a series of graphs. 'Possible failure does not pose threat to the test subject '

'In fact,' I interrupt him gently. 'It does. It might affect Kelly's morale, you see. For a human female, losing her hair is a an emotional disaster.' I probably could not have come up with weirder idea, but it seems to work for the salarian. He bites his lower lip in concentration. I try hard not to tell him I find it extremely crazy to make Kelly blonde with my hair sample. Indirectly, maybe; but it is still nothing short of being disgusting!

'Point worth considering,' Doctor Solus says finally, but I can see he is disappointed with me. 'Surprised at your scientific attitude, Doctor Johannsen. Would think you to be more excited.'

I open my mouth to come up with some sort of excuse, but the salarian turns away from me, losing interest in the matter as quickly as he gained it. He starts talking about something else and I half-listen about the difficulties that follow arranging a delivery of a bug from the Collector swarm. Apparently, Doctor Mordin has placed a requisition order for one and I find it quite amusing that Shepard will now have to figure out how to get it

It takes another hour before the salarian decides he has had enough of a chat with me and he gently nudges me away from the Technical Lab. I admit, I am a little tired too. Ever since I have recorded that video for my family, I have been thinking about them, feeling even more homesick than I ever felt during my years in Grissom's. I cannot stop wondering whether I will be able to see them again, to go and visit Demeter as I promised in the video. Before I realise what I am doing, I find myself in the elevator taking a ride down to the shuttle bay. I know where I am subconsciously going and, well, I decide it is not that bad idea anyway.

Once out of the elevator, I turn to the lock-protected door leading to the storage area. The room is filled with as the rest of the Normandy calls it Mess Sergeant Gardner's stuff. There are crates and boxes of supplies, piling up against both walls and line of freezers in the back. This is the place where all the food that is not being actively processed in the kitchen, is being stored. All the food and one little plant of mine.

I made a deal with Gardner to put my hydroponic container down here after I realised there is no way to fit it either in the common rooms or in the med bay. In return, I promised to help him with dishwashing once a week and so far the deal has been going flawlessly. Truth be told, once it came out I have the free access to the storage area, I have experienced several crewmates approaching me and asking for this and that "because their rations are too low". So far no one has been able to persuade me to actually bring them anything and I am secretly hoping one Garrus Vakarian will not come up with such an idea

I shake my head and I sit down on one of the crates facing my container. It holds a single maple tree made into a bonsai. It was my grandfather's idea. He has always been fascinated with the art of growing those miniature trees that originated from old Earth and he decided to plant one for each of my family members and this particular one has been planted on the day I was born. I remove the lid that keeps optimum growth conditions inside and reach towards small leaves, their delicate fracture soft against my skin. My father gave it to me the day I was leaving Demeter to start my studies in Grissom, saying that I should "always remember about the place they keep for me at home". I have not parted with it ever since.

I shudder when my omnitool bracelet bleeps at me and I quickly take my hand out of the container to start it up. Doctor Chakwas' face appears on the screen.

'Danielle, are you still in the Technical Lab?' She asks and I shake my head. 'Are you busy? I could use some help.'

'I am in the storage room downstairs, Doctor. I can be in the med bay in five minutes ' I begin, but she interrupts me.

'Oh, that's even better! Would you mind going to Engineering and see if that new recruit of Shepard's, Jack, is there? I heard she was going to stay in the maintenance room, downstairs from the engine room '

I hesitate just for one moment. That "Jack recruit" is not a person I would like to get in contact with so soon. Or maybe at all, but that would hardly be possible while on the same ship.

'Of course, Doctor,' I say, trying to sound cheerful. 'Anything else I can do for you?'

'Just one thing, Danielle. Tell her I've had enough waiting for her to show up for her examination. That girl has spent God knows how many months in cryo and she refuses to be taken care of.'

'I see. I will be on my way,' I reply and I turn the omnitool off. I pay my bonsai one last look and I close the hydroponic container, setting it back to automatic control. I am glad I could afford one of these after linking its programming to EDI's, I was relieved of having to keep an eye on it every day. It would be pretty difficult with all the tasks I am usually given either in the med bay or the technical lab

I get out of the elevator and pause at the top of the stairs hesitantly, peeking down into the space filled with red light. To be honest, I did not even know there is a habitable room beneath the Engineering deck. I have only seen this new Jack person once and that from a distance which, as I have heard later, spared me the view of her almost topless clothing and almost fully tattooed body. I shudder at the thought how painful must have been putting ink on the most delicate parts of the skin. I wonder what state of mind drives people to decorate themselves in such a hurtful manner.

I wish I could just shout my message down the stairs and scuttle back to the med bay, but I know it would haunt me as unfilled task for days to come. I gather all my courage and walk downstairs, my boots making every step ring with metallic sound. The red light makes everything look odd and sort of creepy. I notice a dark silhouette deeper in the room.

'Hello?' I call out, my voice weak and trembling oh, how I hate when that happens. I clench my teeth for a second, before speaking out again, a little louder. 'Is that you, Jack? I- I just want to talk with you.'

There is no response and I pause, unsure if I should proceed deeper in or just turn around and run. The silhouette in the distance is now moving towards me, becoming a shape of a woman in her scanty clothing. Red light reflects off her skin, darker parts of the tattoo highly contrasted.

'So,' she says in a voice that is harsh and low. 'You must be that doctor girl.'

I am not sure why, but this statement sounds like an accusation. I nod carefully.

'There is only me and Doctor Chakwas here on the Normandy, so I guess, yes, that will be me.'

'That's clever of you, little girl,' she snorts, making a few steps in my direction, quickly covering the distance that separates us. I do my best not to back off. There is something really threatening in the way she moves, in the way she keeps her shaved head a little low, scowling like she was measuring me for a slave trade. 'What the fuck do you want?'

I find it really difficult to reply when she stares at me, like a cobra hypnotising some small rodent. I swallow, trying to remove that choking sensation from my throat, but it does not help much.

'I- I am here to ask you to come up to the med bay, whenever it is convenient for you,' I say and she scoffs dismissively. 'You need a proper examination and treatment to return to your full health after the cryo-'

'Do I now?' She interrupts me, baring her teeth in a very menacing smile. 'And how would you know what a cryo prisoner needs, huh, little girl?'

'I-' I stumble, looking for words. 'I have been trained to take care of people being subjected to prolonged periods of hibernation '

'Really?' She moves closer to me and this time I take two steps back, before I hit the wall. 'Is that so, little girl? Because I know, so to speak, first-hand. Because unlike you, who has been grown to be this pretty little doctor, I have been conditioned to fight and kill. And that's what I like to do best.' Her right hand flares blue with biotic flame when she moves it closer to my face. 'I like to kill.'

'Please ' I whisper, turning my head to the right to escape contact with her palm. Biotic energy flickers in the air around me, causing my skin to itch in a familiar and now terrible way. 'I did not want to upset you '

Jack backs off with a small laugh, but her hand is still shining blue when she speaks.

'Oh, aren't we scared now?' Her voice is full of mocking compassion. 'Aren't you wishing Cerberus had made you into something better than this wimpy little doctor girl?'

I try to keep my eyes on both her face and her palm, but beneath the crippling fear I realise something else. I do not understand what she is talking about.

'Why- why would you say "made me"?' I dare to ask and the woman tilts her head to the side, as if I surprised her.

'You don't know? It's all here in the files.'

She turns around and walks back to her bed, where a number of datapads have been scattered carelessly, some of them switched off and some displaying lines of text and photos. Jack picks up one of them and looks at me with another creepy smile.

'It's all here, little girl. How Cerberus created you by exposing your dear Momma to eezo radiation, how they found you a foster family and how they manipulated your way into this big, fancy school for little freaks. All the info plain, all the numbers clean; including how much your so called parents were paid to keep you as theirs,' she extends her hand towards me. 'See for yourself, if you want.'

I freeze with my hand half out-stretched towards the datapad. No No, it cannot be!

'It is a lie,' I whisper so silently that she leans closer to hear me. 'You are lying. It cannot be true.'

Jack's eyes narrow when she looks at me.

'Oh, so that's what it looks like,' she says with an expression I can only describe as "triumphant". 'That's what shattered hope looks like '

'You are lying!' I say out louder and she throws the datapad on the bed, making a few quick steps back to me.

'You think so? Ask your dear Commander about that, see what he tells you,' she hisses right into my face. 'See who you really are, little girl. In the end, we're not as different as you think. We've all been fucked by Cerberus and both our lives have been steered by someone else. Now get the hell out of my place. Now!'

I do not wait for her to tell me that twice. Bewildered and terrified, I turn around to run up to the engineering deck. I slip on one of the top steps and finish my panicked escape upstairs on all fours, heart beating like a drum. I get up as quickly as I can and hit the control panel of the door, running through it without looking. And I collide with someone.

The sound I make is something between a whimper and a shriek, because I try to stifle it in my throat. I get grabbed by my arms in a flash and I am steadied in place by a grip as hard as a rock. I look up to see the mismatched face of Zaeed Massani.

Perfect, from one insane merc to another. I want to back off, but he does not let go of my shoulders.

'What's up with ya, girl?' He asks, scanning me with both his healthy and blind eye. It is a really creepy stare. 'That little, destructive bitch downstairs giving you shitty time?'

I hesitate a little, but I nod to that. Scary as he looks, he does not seem to be hostile. In fact, he almost seems helpful, which is quite unexpected coming from a person of his reputation. He snorts towards the closed door to the engineering.

'She's a messed up psycho, if I say that,' he states, his good eye rolling to look at me. 'You shouldn't give a damn thing for what she's telling ya. And if she's messing with ya, go tell Shepard about it. He'll muzzle her right as he should, that's right. Hell, he might even do that himself!'

I shift nervously at his cackling laughter. As much as I do not find it amusing, the mercenary probably has the point. I should talk to Shepard, maybe maybe even ask him about what Jack said was true. My heart freezes for a moment at that thought and I notice Zaeed tilts his head to the side, looking at me with something I can only describe as 'concern'.

'Has she hurt you in any way, girl?' He asks and I shake my head. 'Didn't cut yar tongue out neither, huh?'

'No,' I manage to say. 'Thank you, mister Zaeed. I am fine.'

'You damn not look like yar fine. But it ain't my business.'

He finally lets me go and walks towards his room on the end of the corridor without paying me another glance. I take a breath before I turn to the elevator, then another one and another one, but it is still not enough. There is now a heavy weight in my chest and it seems that no amount of deep breaths can lift it.