A/N ... I appreciate the great response to the story. There are consquences to all of life's decisions. Reviews are requested, not to be told great job or the like. Rather that the story line is working, that the effort to put it together is noticed. I hope to update a bit more frequently. Examining the consequences of a seemingly innocent decision, what happens in part because of the decision will it change the future? Set as an A/U in the minutes, hours and days after Headhunters.

If you do review please do not give away plot points or surprises. There will likley be some.

As always I do not own the characters just taking them out for a spin.

Shout out to HippyDragonGirl and PenguinofTroy for their help with editing. Check out their stories as well

Time for a look into the night for Kate. She had been left alone, adrift while the hospital staff focused on Rick and to a lessor degree Alexis. Kate also sought out the solitude, it was her natural defense mechanism. Remember things are not always as they appear so unless you are certain it is wise to keep an open mind.

Will be working hard to get several chapters done in the next few days, so reviews or PM's help fuel the drive. The number of alerts on the story have been amazing. I hope the story continues to hold the interest of everyone.

Previously …

Alexis was a deer in the headlights, frozen by the photographer's strobes firing in rapid succession. All her vulnerabilities captured for the public's morbid pleasure.

Her emotions were on display. There was no one to protect her from countless photographers outside the window, only 10 feet from her, jockeying for "the shot" that would splash across page six. Alexis, still in shock, barely flinched as the flashes exploded in the night. She did not turn away.

Esposito and Ryan sprint back down the corridor, as Martha heads off to the VIP Waiting Room with Lanie. A visibly distraught Beckett is leaning against the wall, half sitting, as Martha approaches with Lanie.

Of course, Alexis has a different memory of Dr. Davidson. The only time she had ever seen the man, he had attacked her father. She was now grateful that he had apparently saved her father's life. However, knowing what he had meant to Kate and how hurt her father was when Kate had gone away, left Alexis anxious. When she saw the look on Kate's face of anticipation at the idea of Dr. Davidson walking through the door, Alexis had to call on all of her manners not to tell Kate to leave.

There was a knock on the door and it opened immediately, as Dr. Davidson already knew the family was anxiously waiting.

Kate had to force herself to breathe. The moment she had been fearing for the last twelve and a half hours was about to happen. The room was closing in on her quickly. Throughout the night, she had barely kept her personal demons at bay. From the moment Gates walked up to the table at the Old Haunt, Kate Beckett had been in a battle of wills. The cold reality was that the only battle during the night that really mattered to her had been fought in another room down the hall. Fear still had it's grip of death wrapped around Kate's heart.

The terror had hit fast and hard just hours ago, one minute laughing until her sides hurt, the next shear panic. Kate has seen and been the officer delivering tragic news, the look on Captain Gates face was all too familiar. Her first concern was Castle. Somehow, the way Gates looked at her, conveyed it was Rick that was in trouble. Then the guilt had hit with a vengeance. Kate was angry and disappointed at herself.

Asking herself why her first thoughts, when he did not reply to her message, had been that he must be out with another bimbo. Only briefly wondering if there was more to his look of pain, dismissing the thought just as she had in the Precinct. Pure panic had set in and she was barely able to breathe.

She never heard Jenny's frantic cry of … "Kate … Kate … "

From that moment until Alexis spoke at the hospital, the only thing Kate would remember was the sight of Castle's blood covered body being pulled out of the bus. She wasn't even sure he was alive. Her mind argued within itself about that very fact. Her world had been spiraling down from the moment Kate made eye contact with her Captain. She was saved by a voice she barely recognized. One that silently cried for help.

It brought one of the few moments of clarity…

"Kate, I'm sorry."

"What? Alexis, no there is nothing to be sorry about."

"You texted Dad and I didn't call you."

The lost lonely voice heard from Alexis splashed over Kate as if it was ice water, snapping her into action. Over a year, ago Rick asked and Kate promised without hesitation to take care of Alexis should there ever be a time that he could not. Kate remembered all too well what the empty feeling was like when your world is yanked from under you. She moved to protect and comfort the young woman, offering a quiet hug. She refused to react to the hurt when Alexis pulled away a short time later. She understood that the young woman needed to gather her emotions. Her focus lost, Kate failed to recognize that she needed someone to comfort her, as badly as she had when her mother was murdered years ago.

Her mind flashed to the horrific night her mother was murdered. The memory was of the adults who kept treating her like she was a child, when all she wanted was to be left alone. There were a few adults she wanted to talk to, but most of them were treating her as if she was two. With those thoughts driving her, Kate decided to give Alexis space.

Her mind drifted further back to seeing the man waiting at their front door. The man who destroyed her innocence and a year ago nearly cost her her life. When he finally spoke, it was as if Kate was not even there...

"Mr. Beckett, I'm Detective Raglan I need you to come with me …"

Then to the days after, as family and friends spoke to her father, like Mrs. Johnson from across the street, when they were all in the kitchen…

"Jim, how is Katie holding up?"

Instead of asking her when she was sitting just five feet away. Kate recalled wanting to scream …I'm right here you know...then hated when her dad's alcohol fueled response had been a monotone..

"Katie's fine. She's wise beyond her years."

Had her father been capable of asking her, her response would have been far different...

"I miss my mom. I need you daddy."

Kate couldn't help thinking right now that Alexis needed her mom, but that woman had walked away. Just as Kate realized she should to try to be the friend Alexis needed, the flashes exploded into the room, assaulting her eyes … she was frozen in place as her PTSD pushed panic back into control.

No one noticed that when the commotion of the photographers had caught Alexis off guard, the flashes affected Kate as well. The PTSD driven panic attack crawled into Beckett and sent her spiraling. All the missed moments, poor decisions, and worst case scenarios played out before her mind's eye through the course of the wait. The mental movie started in the hallway. Later, the film continued after Martha had ushered Lanie and her into the waiting room. Kate was alone in the dark corner and the memories played throughout the night.

Searing images of moments and decisions. All of them tied deeply to what she had failed to do with Richard Castle. She should have let him breach her walls, instead she fought to reinforce them. The damn walls … the question was always the same... Why did she hold on to them?

She wanted Castle. She settled for Demming. Wanted the Hamptons. Lied about working. She was ready. Instead, she let Gina walk away in her place. She failed to fight for what she wanted.

Failed to tell him just how much that "extraordinary" dedication had meant to her.

Let him come so close to dying too many times and never once had the guts to tell him she loved him like no other. Especially after nearly freezing to death, they both came so close to confessing their feelings. Clearly Castle was about to talk, then he pulled back, she let him walk away again. This time she chose Josh, just as he had Gina.

LA, he took big risks and she ran. Only to turn around, open the door, and not chase.

Never telling him how right he was about them. Not talking about the kiss or all of the other moments. Then, after THE FIGHT … the "You know what we are, Castle? We are over! Now get out." fight, not telling him she was sorry after they fought about what they were. Not coming clean at the swings, hiding in innuendos … biggest regret knowing how he feels, lying about it, and never telling him how she feels.

There were three people who would have been able to help Kate deal with the demons. One was the reason they were waiting, Esposito was in crisis prevention/detective mode, and no one knows to call Dr. Burke. No one knows about her on going counseling.

Throughout the night, Lanie and Martha checked on Kate, but the response was the same, "I'm okay. Is there any news?" When there was no news, she went back to staring down her demons and the fear. No one recognized how lost Kate Beckett was. It came across as being cold and distant. Nearly a mirror of Alexis Castle's guarded and confused state.

As the door swung open to admit Josh, her sense of despair was overwhelming. The hours of worry and stress, the lack of sleep, the thoughts about Josh that had just raced through her mind, and most importantly her memories had combined together, taking a heavy toll on Kate. She was terrified at what she might lose. It all hinged on what he would say.

She was trying to will Josh to rush through the door and tell them all the worry was never necessary. That the surgery took so long because Castle would not stop talking long enough to allow them to operate.

It was irrational, but anything other than … "Castle has come through the surgery and will be on his feet in a few days." Any words to that effect were all Beckett needed. The thought of anything else terrified Kate far more than she could handle.

Once again Kate was so wrapped up in her mind that she failed to communicate. Despite her best intentions, she had not taken care of Alexis. Her anxiety drove her away during the night when Alexis needed her. As the door had opened, her anticipation was misunderstood by everyone in the room. The mere mention of Dr. Davidson had turned the focus squarely on Kate.

The look on Kate's face changed the second Dr. Davidson stepped into view. Only one word fit the expression … shock. Had anyone who really knew Beckett truly seen her during the night, they would have seen that same look all night long.

Then again, everyone in the room was wearing that same expression now that Dr. Davidson had entered the room.