"I can hear your voce in the distance, but I can't see you. Your face seems to be long forgotten. But I know it is you. I can feel your despise."
This was the first line of Eiri's newest book. He was sitting in the bookstore and giving autographs to crazy fangirls he despised so much.
His own appearance seemed to be disgusting to him. He was feeling like a hypocrite, writing about beautiful love. In reality, he was unable to give Shuichi what the boy deserved. Tenderness. Appreciation.
"And I know I'll wake up soon. Your voice won't be there anymore, to caress my ears and make me regret for everything I've done. I love you, but I've never been able to say that to you. Maybe I'm cursed to remain unhappy and misunderstood all my life."
He decided to write about something different. He decided to kill all that sweetness he used to write about. He offered bitterness to his readers this time. And people worshiped him even more.
"Should I say your name out loud? Should it stay secret?"
Everybody recognized that it was the writer's confession. But they didn't find it pathetic.
"Your name…Shuichi."
Shuichi was enraged when he read his name in the book.
"This is something so cheap that I refuse to believe you are standing behind those words!" he yelled at the phone.
Yuki could swear that Shuichi would get into his apartment through the telephone, just like in cartoons.
"Calm down, Shuichi." he said coldly, "And don't be so full of yourself! There are many Shuichis in Japan and worldwide."
"But why my name of all the others?"
"It suites the story. It indeed reminded me of you-- you and your girlish behavior, my main character is just like you."
"Because it is me!" Shuichi snapped, "Will you ever leave me alone?"
'Never' he thought.
"I'm not harassing you, so please you leave me alone!" he yelled, frustrated. But his inner self was listening all of that in utter terror.
'No! Shuichi!' he was screaming, but could not be heard.
Shuichi rolled his eyes and hung up the phone. He was sitting there, motionless, staring at nothing.
He still couldn't believe that Eiri revealed their problems in the novel, just to sell it. He was enraged, disappointed, betrayed.
Something was wrong with him. His body was shaking uncontrollably, forming sobs. Something was badly wrong with him. He was crying again. The pressure of reality was just too much.
"It's the sorrow that connects our two worlds. I suffer, but you are the one who I should have protected from suffering. I dragged you into my darkness instead. Will you ever forgive me?"
Tears were falling down his face, on his jeans and the floor. Powerful sobs were sounding so destructing. Small explosions from his lungs.
Tears were falling on the pages of the book, named "Forgiveness", as he was reading, hours later.
"I never believed in love."
Shuichi was tearing apart. Hiro could do nothing about it. It was horrible, the way the book was killing the remains of sanity in Shuichi.
"Do you believe in love?"
'I don't anymore' he thought, closing the book, tossing it aside. His world was collapsing in front of his own eyes. Events that happened a while ago, were alive again, through that book, he could see the past.
"This is our dark realm, Shuichi."
He couldn't open his eyes anymore. The bed was his only stationary.
Helpless auburn haired youth was sitting in the living room, thinking about possible solutions.
But he had his own problems.
It was terrifying seeing Shuichi in that state. It was terrifying how Tohma was persistent.
He was coming, and coming, and coming…He was patient. But Hiro couldn't trust him.
His concern should be Shuichi. He should try to help him. But how?
--
He was feeling bitterness in every word of his novel. He was disgusted. He was destroyed.
Hidden behind his disorder, behind his alcoholism, behind his madness…he just wasn't ready to give love. And he was receiving it without thinking. He was denying it whenever he wanted. He was killing his little lover.
Gentle Shuichi, light like a feather. His beautiful lover, fragile and strong at the same time.
"I wish I could fix my mistakes."
"How can he be such a liar?!" Shuichi was whispering into the pillow.
"Take it easy, Shu…" Hiro was tapping his back, "Calm down…" he bit his lower lip.
How could he tell Shuichi to calm down now, when nothing was alright? How could he make him forget, when Eiri was his obsession for so long?
He was asking too much from the singer.
Shuichi was a real drama queen.
Eiri was the coldest person in the universe.
The two opposites that love each other, but it was not meant to be.
"Sometimes people don't see how much they're loved."
Eiri grabbed his coat, put it on, ready to go to Shuichi and beg for forgiveness if he had to.
"I am a coward. I am a lame excuse for a man. You don't deserve to suffer."
But something stopped him, some invisible force. He collapsed on his knees, bending over his crossed arms. He just couldn't.
--
"Eiri?" Tohma was standing in front of him, "What is going on?"
"I just…can't go there…"the writer whispered. There was blood around his mouth and all over his shirt and coat.
"You puked blood again." said Tohma. This was happening to Eiri every time when he was very upset.
"I will call ambulance." he reached for his cell phone, "Just hold on."
--
But this time Tohma knew better than to put the guilt on Shuichi for Eiri's puking. He knew better because he finally understood what love was.
His best friend was lying in bed, sleeping peacefully. Or it seemed he was sleeping peacefully.
Outside, it was cold. The sky was clear, it was twilight. The outside world had its terrifying beauty.
Tohma was recalling again.
Flashback
It was cold outside. Hiro did it again. He kissed the cold tip of his nose. The chill was gone for a moment. He was feeling loved. This little sign of affection warmed his heart. And they carried on walking, hand in hand. It was winter, but it was warm and beautiful.
Then he released the guitarist's hand as soon as they reached the area full of people. Like he was ashamed of the boy.
Hiro frowned, but said nothing.
This was their routine.
End flashback
Tohma left the hospital room and went for one of his walks through the abandoned park.
He reached for his phone and dialed Hiro's number.
"We need to talk." he said, as his breath became visible in the air. It was too cold for his taste. "Eiri is in hospital."
"I'll be down in ten minutes." he heard Hiro's cold and broken voice on the other side, "Be there to pick me up."
--
TBC…under the condition I mentioned in previous chapters.
I hope you liked it so far.