A/N: Here's Chapter 4! Hope you enjoy!

Also, I'm looking for some good recs, so if you know of any awesome fanfics, or are especially proud of your own, please PM the title to me! :)

I played the piano every chance I got. I know it should seem like I had an endless amount of time to play, but I only played when Alice was gone for fear of upsetting her. Being at the piano was like an escape to me; an escape back to a time and place where Edward existed and I held his delicate heart in my clumsy hands. When I played, I played for him, and I knew regardless of how terribly my novice fingers played, he would have been so proud. Sometimes I felt him, his presence, sitting next to me on the bench, and I would move over, giving him room to sit close and listen to the keys.

Today, Alice was home, so playing piano was out of the question. It was grey and rainy out, typical of the hell hole that was Forks, Washington. I lounged on the couch for a good portion of the morning, watching whatever football game Emmett was watching and writing in the notebook Alice had gotten for me. I wrote in my notebook all the time. I referred to it as my Edward Journal, and Alice even cut the letters out of a magazine and decorated the front of it. The first entry was the picture I'd stolen from the frame in his room. I didn't write any words in that entry, because I couldn't think of anything worthy enough to describe his perfect face, so I just left it blank.

Alice made entries too, but most of them were memories she had of the time before I met Edward, things I wouldn't remember. It was nice though, reading her happy times with him, even if I wouldn't remember them. Her idolization of her brother was rare and beautiful. The words she wrote were perfect, and the images she spoke of shot off of the pages like paintings. Alice had a gift for writing, which made the stories that much more sentimental.

She and I would often talk when we found ourselves alone together. We'd become best friends since my transformation, mostly because she was the only friend I had. Rosalie was cold, colder than usual, toward me since she blamed Edward's absence on my existence. I couldn't fault her for it, because I agreed with her, so we just had some sort of messed up silent truce. Emmett was withdrawn from me as well, partially because I was pretty much a walking sort of zombie and partially because he always took Rosalie's side. He was cordial enough, just not like the older brother he used to be to me. Jasper did his best to manipulate my emotions to make me less of a heartbroken disaster, but he avoided me for the most part. His overwhelming guilt for bringing this upon me has kept him at bay. I'm not angry with him, nor do I hate him, but it's probably best for both of us to keep our distance. Carlisle is always at the hospital since Dr. Snow quit a few months back, and the human resource disaster at the hospital has yet to replace him. I miss him the most of all of the Cullens, aside from the obvious.

Carlisle was the most understanding after my transformation, being that he'd gone through the same thing I'm going through -- an intense desire to die. Before he got so busy, he'd come down to my cell of solitude in which I spent the first year of my supernatural existence, and share with me his feelings shortly after his transformation and some of the things that helped him through it. I said little or nothing in response, but his stories and recollections were somewhat beneficial, and I was grateful for his attempts to make me feel better.

I chewed on the cap of the pen, eventually cracking in into small pieces. I wasn't totally comfortable with my super-human strength just yet, and often destroyed things more often than I meant to. I put the pen to the paper and began writing. I'd never written something as personal as I was doing now, and was a little self-conscious about letting Alice read about the first time her brother kissed me, but it was the number one thing I didn't want to forget; the way his cold lips were hard but gentle against mine, his caution and hesitation as he moved his face closer, the obvious relaxation he felt once he realized he could kiss me without wanting to drink my blood. As I wrote all of this down, I wondered what it would be like for him to kiss me now, how much more passionate and unrelenting our lips would be against each other, how my tongue could aggressively linger his mouth. I imagined lightly sucking his lip into my mouth and tasting his kiss on my tongue.

I closed the book and reminded myself that I'd never know. I'd never know what it would be like to kiss him with all of the passion I felt for him. I'd never know what it would be like to become one with him. I wished more than anything, at this moment, that I had those memories to write in my journal. I placed the pen and the Edward Journal on the table and went to my new sanctuary. I stayed in his room, on his couch, for most of the afternoon, imagining what it would be like to have him here with me. What we'd spend time doing, and what we'd talk about.

I was doodling on a pad of paper he'd left on the table beside the couch, when I heard a knock on the door. I was startled out of my daydreams, and instantly, an frown spread over my face. No one had been in here since he'd left. Who wanted in now?

Alice poked her smiley face through the crack in the door, "You mind if I come in?"

I looked at her quizzically, wondering what she'd possibly want in here. "Sure." She walked in holding the journal and the pen I'd broken only a few hours earlier. I suddenly got nervous, knowing she'd read what I'd written. I smiled stupidly, stopping once I thought about how silly I must look.

"I read it, Bella." She knew what I was so embarrassed about.

"I'm so sorry," I blurted out, "I'm sure you didn't want to read about all of that." I ducked my head, avoiding making eye contact with her.

"It was beautiful. It was my favorite memory you've written so far." My head jerked up unintentionally, meeting her soft, sympathetic eyes with my own ashamed, confused eyes.

"Your favorite?"

"Of course, Bella!" Her eyes lit up with excitement. "When we agreed to do this, I assumed you'd write anything and everything. Up until this, today, I knew you were holding back. I loved it."

Though what she was saying made me feel a little better, I was still embarrassed to know that she read it.

"Okay, well, thanks, I guess."

"Oh Bella," she moved over to the couch and dropped down beside me with exaggerated emphasis, "Please don't stop. You're finally starting to heal."

I laughed a little too loudly at the absurdity of the conclusion she'd drawn. I wasn't starting to heal, I wasn't even close. "You couldn't be farther from the truth."

She placed her head on my shoulder in an attempt to console me, and locked her fingers in mine. "It will get better, soon." Her voice was sad, and it seemed like she didn't even she believe her words.

"You still don't ever see him?"

She smiled sweetly, "I have for the past few days. He's been in Denali, staying with Tanya and her family."

I knew little of the Denali clan, except that they were the only other vampire coven like us. Rage suddenly consumed me, and I had to remind myself of my strength as my fingers wrapped around the front of the cushion of couch I was gripping. My fingers had already begun to tear the black fabric that covered the cushions on the couch. "WHY ARE WE JUST SITTING HERE?" My hands flew up to grab Alice by the shoulders, effectively tearing open the couch cushion, spraying the cotton stuffing all over the floor at my feet.

Alice smiled again, sensing my desperation, wrapped her hands around my wrists, and pulled my hands into her lap. "Bella, he'll know we're coming. He'll leave as soon as he hears us." Her indifference was unacceptable. This wasn't the Alice I knew.

"He won't hear me!" The calmness on her face told me that she'd already thought this through, and that it wasn't going to happen.

"I know this is hard for you. I thought the same thing when I'd realized he'd stopped long enough for us to go after him, but you know he's smarter than that. He won't get caught."

The thought of him running from us, of him getting caught seemed ridiculous to me. It felt as though we were chasing after a fugitive, someone that didn't want to get caught. His rejection and abandonment came crashing down on me again. He doesn't want me, why should I run after him like a desperate disaster?

I relaxed my aggressive demeanor, and looked down at my hands that were still in Alice's lap. She placed her hand under my chin, and tilted my head until I was forced to make eye contact with her. "I'm sorry." I leaned my head back until it rested on the back of his couch. I played with the couch stuffing that adorned the floor in front of me with my toes. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice glance around the room. "What are you doing in here anyway?"

I didn't face her as I answered her question, "I come in here quite often actually. I like smelling him, being where he was, pretending he is still here…" I trailed off as I heard how absurdly pathetic I sounded. I closed my eyes.

"Are you ever going to move into your room?"

"No."

"Hmmm."

And that was it. We sat like that for a while longer, Alice occasionally trying to engage me in conversation, but I wanted more than anything to be alone.

She stood to leave the room, but stopped at the door, and turned back toward me, "We're all leaving to go hunting down south of Mt. Rainier. You're more than welcome to come, but I figured you wouldn't want to."

I felt guilty for ignoring her, and the hurt puppy dog on her face didn't do anything to make me feel any better. "I'm sorry, Alice, I really would just like to be alone."

"I know." She sighed and looked down at the floor. She hesitated slightly before looking back at me, "Just for the record, Bella, I'd love to hear you play the piano. Promise me you will." She smiled and closed the door behind her. Stupid psychic sister.

I stayed in Edward's room, on his couch, until I was sure the rest of my family had left. I could hear them rummaging around down stairs, followed by the inevitable closing of the door. It was only a few minutes until I traipsed down the stairs and found myself settled in behind the ivory keys, longing to feel the connection to him I had felt the last time I'd played.

I took a deep breath, hoping to hold on to the perfect smell that lingered on my clothes from lying on his couch all afternoon. As my eyes remained closed, the smell intensified, magnified times a million. The connection was even more powerful than I remembered, the smell, overwhelming. As I placed my hands on the keys, I felt his presence engulf me, his arms wrap around me. I envisioned his hands on the keys, playing alongside mine, making the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. I could smell his breath, the breath that had taken mine away and rendered me useless in another life. It felt so real and so perfect, and I didn't ever want to stop playing. I paused momentarily to take in everything I was feeling at that moment, the scent, the feeling, his hands, the music.

The music however, never stopped. I felt someone's hands tight around my shoulders, griping them tightly pulling me off of the bench, and out of the temporary bliss I was experiencing. I wanted to stay forever, and I was growing more irritated by the minute as whoever was destroying my paradise was spinning me around.

Then I saw them, the beautiful ocher eyes from my dreams. The most perfectly sculpted lips in the world moved in sync with the most soothing, velvet voice I'd ever heard, "Bella, I love you. I'm home."

A/N: Our beautiful vampire is back. :) Please review and let me know if you love/hate/sorta like it. Thanks!! Also, feel free to ask questions! And don't forget to PM me recommendations!