day 4. prompt: misspent youth.
In the battle for Haruno Sakura-san's heart, there are contenders, and there are casualties.
Lee wonders now, looking back on all of it, if he had ever really had a chance.
It's not typically in his nature to reflect on past mistakes. It's the height of youthful solidity to learn from the past, not wallow in it. But heartbreak has a way of reshuffling one's priorities.
And he wonders why he never read the signs.
…
Lee remembers the first day he ever saw her. Incidentally, it is also the first day he knew what it was like to contain a heart that beat for someone else. It is also the first day he knew what it was like to go through life half-whole and longing.
She's in a younger class. He sees her by an accident that really isn't an accident, because she has hair the color of flowers and she reminds him of the lotus blossom and that's important. Small and fragile-looking, more waifish than the rock-solid kunoichi she's training to become in a few years. Seven years old, Lee is, when his heart is stolen from him by a little girl reading a thick scroll underneath a cherry blossom tree.
He remembers the way his throat seized up and his stomach started to ache and he remembers the sweat, even though it wasn't even hot that day. A balmy spring afternoon, it was, when Lee fell desperately, egregiously, madly in love with a little girl with pink bangs and little white hands.
He remembers approaching her as if to say something, then, uncharacteristically, choking on his words. And what is that, anyway? Rock Lee has courage of conviction; he stands by what he says and means, so he always declares things in clear, ringing tones so no one misunderstands him.
But one look at a little girl – he doesn't know her name until he asks around – and his tongue is in knots and he's too intimidated to even say hello.
Lee remembers doing 600 sit-ups that night in punishment for his own cowardice.
…
Lee remembers the first day he ever spoke to her.
The Chunin exams (his first shot at them, anyway), and she is radiant in red, flanked by her odd teammates and looking beautifully unsure.
Perhaps – in hindsight – he came on a bit strong.
Really, openly declaring his intent to become her boyfriend, when she had previously never even met him…Lee, at 22 and a bit more world-wise than he used to be, realizes that maybe that hadn't been the best approach.
But at the time, the most important thing in the world had been to proudly broadcast his desire for Sakura-san, compliment her peerless beauty, and woo her into an exciting ninja relationship in which he would never allow any harm to befall her. Really, what woman could resist that, and…
The disgust on her face spoke volumes, but Lee remembers that with fondness. His Sakura-san, spunky and feisty and head over heels for someone else, would not be commandeered by pretty words and declarations, no matter how meaningful. And Lee loved a challenge more than anything else.
Still does.
(But the difference between Rock Lee at age 13 and Rock Lee at age 22 is that he knows a lost cause when he sees one.)
…
Lee remembers that there were ulterior motives for his challenging Uchiha Sasuke right off the bat.
Physically, he has trained to perfect his taijutsu. Lee is hopeless with nin- and genjutsu but thanks to the magnificent, glorious, youthful tutelage of his jounin teacher Gai-sensei, he knows that he has taijutsu nearly entirely mastered. A few thousand sit-ups and a couple hundred leg presses and weights on his ankles that strengthen his legs and his speed…
He knows he is a force to be reckoned with, even for a lucky genius like Uchiha Sasuke. Uchiha Sasuke, who was born into a life of skill of privilege, with a kekkei genkai he did not earn through countless hours of hard work that gives him an instant edge, with a spot on Team 7 beside the beautiful Haruno Sakura-san that he did not appreciate.
He wants to prove himself to the world, and he wants to prove himself to Uchiha Sasuke. That hard work will win out, and the flame of youth cannot be extinguished and the lotus will bloom and…
…Lee remembers that he wanted to impress Sakura-san. Right off the bat and immediately, he wanted to prove to her that he was better.
In Uchiha Sasuke, he has identified not only a shinobi rival, but a rival in the quest for Sakura-san's heart. He doubts that Sasuke is aware of his status as Lee's newest obstacle, or that he much cares; like Neji, he is arrogant and considers Lee beneath him. He doubts that Sasuke so much as notices that he holds Sakura-san's delicate heart in his hands, and what a gorgeous gift that really is.
Not even when he has his ass handed to him by someone who scores consistent 1's in Ninjutsu and Genjutsu.
Lee knows the Chunin exams are about proving one's mettle and earning the right to move forward.
But they are also an opportunity to win the heart of his lady fair. And Lee loves Sakura-san, so that becomes his goal.
Lee remembers this to be the decision that changed (ruined) his life.
…
Lee remembers the first time he had a conversation with Sakura-san.
He is honest, so he can't count his declaration of love as a real conversation. No, this one happens when he is in the hospital after the Chunin exams, recovering from a risky but successful operation that will restore his ability to become a splendid shinobi.
Sakura-san is training to become a medic-nin under Tsunade-sama, the legendary medic who has given him this second chance at a promising shinobi career. Her chakra control is dazzling and Lee is not the type to be envious of anything; instead, he celebrates her skill and looks forward to her turn in the nurse's rotation, because she changes his bandages with a smile that holds none of the disgust of their first encounter.
He remembers it was early morning and he was supposed to be sleeping, when Sakura-san slips inside his hospital room. He snaps to attention because a lady is present, and greets her with a hearty, "Good morning, Sakura-san! You are looking even more youthful and beautiful than you were yesterday! How are you?"
Sakura-san smiles and tucks short hair behind her ear (the new haircut looks beautiful on her, as does everything, and his heart sings for her) and takes a seat beside his bed so she can change his bandages.
"Very well, thank you," she says warmly. Sakura-san is nothing but kind, and hearing her lilting voice responding to his queries, Lee feels well enough to drive his fist through three hundred cement blocks all in the name of young love. "How 'bout you, Lee-san?"
Lee-san. Lee-san. He could kick down a mountain right now if she asked him to.
His joy at actually conversing with Sakura-san renders him incoherent. It's only when he notices the sadness in her glimmering eyes that he stops himself.
"Something bothers you, Sakura-san! Please, tell me and I swear on the power of eternal youth that I will chase it away!"
Sakura-san shakes her head and giggles sadly, delicate hands touching his skin as she works. "I don't think there's anything you can do, Lee-san. But thank you."
He does not hesitate. He will try again. He will try and work until Sakura-san opens up to him.
"The dazzling Sakura-san must never lose the radiant joy in her eyes," he declares. "And…"
"Shikamaru's team came back," she reveals, not needing to hear the rest. Lee remembers how her head bowed when she said that. "They…they failed. They almost died. And…and Sasuke-kun..."
Tears fill her eyes and Lee feels her pain in his soul. It's tempered by his own agony as well, because here is evidence that Lee's battle for Sakura-san's heart is an uphill one.
Because this beautiful, dazzling, luminous little girl is already in love. And it's not with him.
"I'm sorry, Lee-san," Sakura-san quickly apologizes, shaking off her tears. "You don't need to hear about this. Your arm's healing nicely; your leg's gonna take some time but Tsunade-shishou's the best, she'll have you splitting bricks and kicking boulders in no time!"
In her false smile, Lee sees an opportunity. He remembers it now, remembers the window, remembers her vulnerability and his opportunity.
"As the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha," he declares from his hospital bed, "I solemnly decree that I shall love you until the end of time and far beyond! Do not let the selfish actions of Uchiha Sasuke-san allow the light in your eyes to diminish! I have loved you since I first saw you, and…"
"Lee-san." Sakura-san's voice is kind, but very firm. She meets his eyes and there's a sternness in them he hasn't quite adjusted to, and it takes him off-guard. "You don't even know me."
He freezes. She is mistaken. Of course he knows her. Her name is Haruno Sakura-san. She was born March 28 thirteen years ago. She has pink hair and green eyes and…
"I made that mistake, too," she says quietly, looking out the window at something Lee can't see. "I told myself I loved someone for all the wrong reasons. I didn't even really know him at the beginning, Lee-san. I told myself I did, and before I even really ever spoke with him, I was fighting with my best friend over him. Thinking I knew him.
"I made that mistake. And then slowly, little by little, I found out that I did know him. And then I was really stuck. That's when I knew I was really in love with him."
She sighs and looks up at him again. "Don't make that mistake, Lee-san. When you tell yourself you love someone, make sure you really mean it."
With that, she leaves him alone in his hospital room. And Lee remembers vowing to himself that he would learn everything there was to know about Haruno Sakura-san, because once she saw how willing he was to absorb her, surely she would reciprocate his love.
Lee wonders now if he should have just taken her advice, and left the whole thing alone.
…
Lee remembers the days, weeks, months, and years that followed, when it seemed like he had a chance.
Abandoned by teammates who left to pursue power, Sakura-san is left in the village to fend for herself.
She is trained by Tsunade-shishou (something that truly rankles his teammate Tenten), and becoming as beautiful and strong as he always knew she would be. And now that she doesn't have an official team of her own, she accompanies Team Gai on many missions.
And he becomes friends with her.
On their travels, he learns that she hates spicy food and thinks she doesn't look pretty in blue. He learns that she plays trivia games for fun and stresses out about her forehead. He learns that her father is a genin and her parents don't understand her.
The more he learns, the deeper he falls. And when she's with him, it's easy to forget that there's a shinobi out there in the world who already has her heart captive.
It's easy to pretend that winning her love isn't a lost cause.
…
Lee remembers that Naruto loves her, too. He is a contender.
It's a poorly-kept secret, Naruto's loud and obnoxious devotion to Sakura-san. He's liked her since they were children, has received her disgust just as Lee has, and now, 15 and returned to Konoha, Lee knows he loves her.
This makes him competition.
His previous competitor, Uchiha Sasuke, has not been seen or heard from in years. Lee knows it is a mistake to assume that means he has left Sakura-san's heart just as easily as he left the village, but he hopes anyway, because he's been working hard for her.
Naruto throws a wrench into his plans.
He has to compete with not one but two of her teammates, and Naruto's return has taken up all of Sakura-san's time. She has been training in taijutsu with Lee over the years and they have become closer; she trusts him and seeks out his company and they are friends. Perhaps they will become something more, with more time, but here comes Naruto.
She spends time with him. Fusses over him. Yells at him. Missions and ramen and he takes up all her time.
And if she's this worked up about Naruto coming home…
How will she be when they finally retrieve Sasuke-san?
…
Lee remembers when he knew the battle was lost.
It's something he's never really admitted before: defeat. Total and utter defeat. It's not youthful to concede when there's still a chance at victory.
But he knows now there isn't.
His one shred of hope was that perhaps Uchiha Sasuke, in his eternal selfishness, would not return Sakura-san's affections.
He is proven wrong.
Lee remembers the night was quiet, when his world came crashing down around him. The war is over, and it's the last night before everyone heads back home. Shinobi he would have once considered enemies nod and smile at him as they find each other again; enemies from Iwa and Ame and everywhere else are now allies, and he hopes this will last.
On the battlefield, she saved Gai-sensei. Lee resolves that this is the time. He cannot waste anymore. She is everything every woman has aspired to be since the dawn of time, and he must tell her. He must confess his undying love – real and true this time, because now he knows her – and win her heart; Neji's death and this terrible war have shown him that youth is a treasure and life is brief and dangerous.
No more time wasted.
He has worked hard. He was trained for this. He has earned Sakura-san's heart and now he will take it.
So he waits outside the medical tents. He knows she is inside Tent 3 patching up her wounded comrades, because he hears the lilting, lovely cadence of her voice soothing a patient as she stitches them back together. Beautiful and strong. They could not have won this war without her.
Lee meditates as he prepares for this moment. But his meditation is interrupted by the approach of slow, purposeful footsteps in the direction of Tent 3.
He cracks open his wide eyes and sees Uchiha Sasuke, battered like the rest of them, making his way to Sakura-san's tent. He has won Lee-san's trust in coming to save Konoha at the last minute, but something close to panic flares in his heart when he sees the younger, taller shinobi open the flap to Sakura-san's tent and step inside.
Perhaps he is wounded and needs treatment, Lee thinks, unable to resist the temptation of listening in.
"…Sakura."
He makes out Sasuke-san's deep voice, and notes that he calls Sakura-san just her name. The level of familiarity this indicates makes him uncomfortable. All this time he's spent apart from her…does he really think he has the right to say her name like that?
"Sasuke-kun, what're you doing here? Are you hurt? I thought I healed you on the battlefield."
"I'm fine. Naruto thinks I should talk to you."
Sakura-san's voice becomes chilling. "Since when do you listen to Naruto?"
"I don't."
"So why are you here, then? I don't have anything more to say to you."
There is a pause, and then a rustling of clothes, and Lee presses his face against the crack in the opening of the tent and to his shock, to his horror, he sees Sasuke standing with one arm wound around Sakura-san's waist, holding her tight against him.
Sakura-san is frozen, eyes wide, apparently stunned at the gesture, and Sasuke just stands there with his head buried in her hair, breathing normally.
Lee doesn't need to see anymore. He can't.
Lee remembers little about the rest of that night, besides the agony in his stomach. He knows he retreated, unwilling to see the inevitable moment when Sakura-san relaxed into Sasuke's embrace, unable to stomach witnessing the imminent, long-awaited kiss that would take place between Sakura-san and the man she'd never given up on.
Lee remembers that tears wouldn't come, maybe because this went beyond tears. Maybe this bone-deep, gut-wrenching heartache was just…too much. And tears wouldn't do it justice.
Lee remembers catching a glimpse of Naruto as he left the medical tents. Naruto, who was watching the tent with a smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes.
Contenders, and casualties.
…
Now, Lee is 22. Now, Lee is Sakura-san's friend and Sasuke-san's, too.
But still it hurts to watch them marry.
Sasuke-san will treat Sakura-san right. He has not discarded her delicate heart; he has merely kept it safe with him on his travels. He will make a good husband for Sakura-san, because he truly loves her.
And what's more, is she truly loves him.
And Lee, as he watches the wedding with a smile that convinces everyone he's doing just fine, regrets.
He regrets that he refused to see the signs, register the warnings.
He regrets that he was warned time and time again by Sakura-san, reminded kindly and continually that while she appreciated his devotion, she simply couldn't return it.
He regrets that he applied his nindo to love, as though you could ever truly win someone's heart through sheer effort and force of will. He regrets this, more than anything.
Because a woman's heart can't be acquired through hard work alone. Sakura-san had formed a bond with Uchiha Sasuke long before she'd even heard of Rock Lee, and that he thought he could take her away from him just because he'd wished for it hard enough seems so pathetically wasteful nowadays.
He'd underestimated Uchiha Sasuke's role in her life, and it had cost him his heart.
And he will love her in silence, forever, and unrequited as that first day when she ducked a barrage of air kisses and turned him down flat. She had warned him.
He watches husband and wife kiss for the first time and wishes he had listened.
note.. first time writing lee, i hope i did him justice. poor baby, he never had a chance :(
anyways, happy fourth america! if y'alls is at philly jam fest tonight, look for me. i'll be trying to convince my husband to let me have an affair with neyo.
xoxo daisy :)