Author's note: well it was a rainy weekend which enabled me to add Chapter
4. Chapter 5 is ¼ ways done, so hopefully no one will feel like they are
hanging in suspense for long. Thanks for all the feedback, it inspires me
to keep on going.
Chapter 4: Blame
It was a cold night as Harry made his way down to Snape's office.
His anger hadn't abated and the dread just kept growing to a point where he could hardly breathe by the time he got to Snape's door.
He knocked on it hesitantly, wishing fervently that Snape was sick or had forgotten or was away. But the cold "Come in" he heard from behind the door dashed his hopes.
He stepped inside. It had been a full day since he and Snape had had the confrontation in the hallway. Harry had been very grateful that there had been no potions class today. Having to face Snape once today was more than enough.
Snape glared at him, Harry expected no less.
"Potter, before we start, I want you to sit down and breath deeply and clear your mind. I don't want any repeats of last time, you need to learn this quickly before the dark lord strikes again."
'What do you care', sprinted through Harry's mind. He however followed Snape's instructions. He even more than Snape did not want a repeat of last time. Once was humiliating enough.
Snape watched as Potter sat in the chair closing his eyes and obviously concentrating. He was surprised he obeyed so quickly. He fully expected an argument and the usual arrogant I know better lip from him. It helped his mood somewhat. He was very worried about Draco and what he was up to, he was also still angry at Potter's words in the hallway, he had to shake the desire to grab Potter and shake him.
Harry opened his eyes and glared at Snape.
"Ready, get up then." Snape said in a quiet controlled voice.
"On the count of three, one two three, Legilimens!"
At first nothing happened, images flashed through his mind, blurry images he couldn't make out. Harry closed his eyes and concentrated on wiping out the images, making them blank. He could hear his breathing becoming labored and felt his body being engulfed in a cold sweat. Then he realized the spell had ended and he shakily grasped the edge of the chair. He looked up into Snape's eyes. For a second he thought he actually saw a real smile flicker across Snape's face but then the dark scowl crossed over his features again.
"That was a bit better Potter." Snape grudgingly admitted.
Harry snorted in anger. "Why can't you just give credit when it's warranted. You are always so quick so insult and criticize but so reluctant to say 'job well done'.
Snape gritted his teeth. "When I believe you have done an admirable job I will say so. I'm not so dimwitted to jump on the Prince Potters bandwagon until I see ample evidence to do so. What just happened was a tiny improvement but unless it progresses it is virtually insignificant. I gave you time to prepare yourself in circumstances that were calm. If it were the Dark Lord he would not be that considerate. Should we put it to the test?"
Harry feeling rather confident at the moment nodded.
"Are you sure now." Snape asked in his calm deadly voice. "Because you may witness Cedric dying again, or perhaps your parents coming out of the Dark Lord's wand or Sirius falling through the veil."
Something clenched Harry's heart and anger overwhelmed him. "STOP IT, stop trying to dreg up all the horrible things that happened to me, you are a miserable." He never got to finish because Snape spit out "Legilimens".
Instantly Harry relived seeing himself as the snake practically kill Mr. Weasley, blood spurting out, an unbearable pain in his head. He doubled over and threw up.
Snape instantly ended the spell and waved his wand making the mess disappear.
Harry found himself covered in an icy sweat on the floor. Miserably he sat up curling his knees to his chest. His head sank as he shivered and his stomach cramped up. Snape had been right. He was no further ahead. He felt something smooth and cool by his cheek. "Harry". He opened his eyes to see Snape holding a bottle by his face. He took it and downed it knowing it would settle his stomach. Handing it back to Snape he bitterly asked while furiously blinking back tears. "Are you happy now, can't wait to tell Malfoy you were right?"
An odd look crossed Snape's features as he sat down beside him. "Do you think seeing you fail at this over and over again, makes me happy? I'm teaching you this for you and your safety, I'm certainly not doing this to amuse myself." He then added with a dangerous note in his voice. "As for Draco, are you deaf Potter or just have a short memory? I already told you that what happens here will only go as far as Dumbledore's ears."
Potter's head dropped to his knees again as he took a couple of deep breaths waiting for the potion to kick in. It puzzled Snape how Potter could one moment be so arrogant making his blood boil and the next look so vulnerable that he actually felt a stab of pity for him. He shook his head, it was time to focus on moving this process forward.
"That's enough now Potter, can you stand up?"
Harry nodded albeit still feeling a bit queasy.
"Come over here to my desk and take a seat." Snape ordered.
With a sigh, Harry sat down across from Snape.
Snape's hand rubbed his chin as he contemplated Potter. "Who do you trust the most?"
Harry swallowed hard, his heart beating frantically, reluctant to answer.
"Is it that hard a question?" Snape probed.
"Why do you want to know?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"Don't be so paranoid Potter. I only want to know because I want you to talk to someone who feel you can trust." Snape responded his dark eyes narrowing.
"Ron and Hermione I guess." Harry answered tentatively.
Snape immediately shook his head. "No, I meant an adult."
A well of emotion overtook Harry as he thought of Sirius, but he fought it down. "Lupin I suppose."
"Lupin, he'll do. We can't continue like this it's too draining on you and we aren't accomplishing much. I want you to talk to Lupin about everything. Your parents, your time with your aunt and uncle, Cedric's death, the dark lords possession of you and" He hesitated briefly, "and Sirius' death. You are full of pain and guilt and that makes you easy prey. You haven't dealt with any of this properly you've just hidden it barely under the surface. We can't continue until you have come to terms with these events."
Harry looked up with fury in his eyes. "Come to terms with it!!! Sirius died because YOU kicked me out of occlumency, because you didn't go to Sirius and keep him at Grimauldi place because." He stopped breathing heavily unable to continue.
Anger flitted through Snape's gaze briefly then he closed his eyes for a moment calming himself. "I see. So the reason that you are now unable to function properly is my fault?" He peered into Potters face. "Tell me then Potter, am I the one who broke a confidence and looked into your pensieve? Am I the one who didn't apologize for my actions? Perhaps all it would have taken would have been two words "I'm sorry" for occlumency lessons to continue?" Am I the one who snuck into Umbridge's office and got caught? Am I the one who didn't go to a professor and tell them what vision I had had so it could have been verified? Was it because of me that Sirius ended up at the Ministry of Magic?"
Potters face crumbled, with a small sob he leapt up and headed for the door. Snape got there ahead of him blocking his exit.
"Calm down, I didn't say all that to hurt you further but you need to face the fact you made mistakes. Everyone in their lifetime makes mistakes. Actions have consequences and in your case they were deadly. That does not mean that you are solely responsible. Sirius made mistakes, Dumbledore made mistakes and yes I let old wounds and pride overtake me. So if we as adults still make mistakes you basically still a child need not shoulder the blame yourself." He hesitated for a moment, then remembered Dumbledore's words. Swallowing heavily, he tentatively reached out and gave Potter's shoulder a quick, what he hoped was, reassuring squeeze. "I'm going to give you some dreamless sleep potion for tonight. Get some rest and come back tomorrow at 2:00pm."
He moved over to his potions but hearing the door open he realized Potter had left. Shaking his head exasperated he grabbed the bottle and went after him.
Harry tore down the hallway, Snape had touched a raw nerve, he knew it wasn't really Snape's fault he knew he he alone was to blame for Sirius's death. He just didn't know what to do. He didn't want to talk to Lupin about this, it was bad enough Snape saw him at his worst he didn't want Lupin who had been his father and godfathers best friends to see him like that. He didn't want to talk to anyone about how he felt. It wouldn't matter, no one could take away that hollow void and the gnawing pain that threatened to overwhelm him. Harry wanted nothing more than to be in the safety of his dorm when he rounded the corner and collided with Malfoy.
"Potty what's up with you, is there a Dementor on your tail?" Malfoy snarled viciously. He pulled out his wand "Because of you my father is in Azkaban it's time you paid for that!" He lifted his wand and pointed it just as Harry tried to grab for his wand.
"Cruc." Draco never completed the word as Snape knocked him sideways. The fury emanating from Snape was palatable. Harry swallowed heavily, he was sure it was directed at him for leaving his office without permission, luckily Snape in his hurry to get to him had accidentally bumped into Malfoy.
Snape actually trembled in his anger. He held a shaky hand out to Potter and snarled. "You forgot something." Harry took the potion without a word, and ranas fast as he could back to the Gryffindor tower. As he walked up the stairs it suddenly occured to him that at one point during the night Snape had accidentally called him Harry. It as a puzzling memory.
Meanwhile Snape in a cloak of fury turned to Draco.
Chapter 4: Blame
It was a cold night as Harry made his way down to Snape's office.
His anger hadn't abated and the dread just kept growing to a point where he could hardly breathe by the time he got to Snape's door.
He knocked on it hesitantly, wishing fervently that Snape was sick or had forgotten or was away. But the cold "Come in" he heard from behind the door dashed his hopes.
He stepped inside. It had been a full day since he and Snape had had the confrontation in the hallway. Harry had been very grateful that there had been no potions class today. Having to face Snape once today was more than enough.
Snape glared at him, Harry expected no less.
"Potter, before we start, I want you to sit down and breath deeply and clear your mind. I don't want any repeats of last time, you need to learn this quickly before the dark lord strikes again."
'What do you care', sprinted through Harry's mind. He however followed Snape's instructions. He even more than Snape did not want a repeat of last time. Once was humiliating enough.
Snape watched as Potter sat in the chair closing his eyes and obviously concentrating. He was surprised he obeyed so quickly. He fully expected an argument and the usual arrogant I know better lip from him. It helped his mood somewhat. He was very worried about Draco and what he was up to, he was also still angry at Potter's words in the hallway, he had to shake the desire to grab Potter and shake him.
Harry opened his eyes and glared at Snape.
"Ready, get up then." Snape said in a quiet controlled voice.
"On the count of three, one two three, Legilimens!"
At first nothing happened, images flashed through his mind, blurry images he couldn't make out. Harry closed his eyes and concentrated on wiping out the images, making them blank. He could hear his breathing becoming labored and felt his body being engulfed in a cold sweat. Then he realized the spell had ended and he shakily grasped the edge of the chair. He looked up into Snape's eyes. For a second he thought he actually saw a real smile flicker across Snape's face but then the dark scowl crossed over his features again.
"That was a bit better Potter." Snape grudgingly admitted.
Harry snorted in anger. "Why can't you just give credit when it's warranted. You are always so quick so insult and criticize but so reluctant to say 'job well done'.
Snape gritted his teeth. "When I believe you have done an admirable job I will say so. I'm not so dimwitted to jump on the Prince Potters bandwagon until I see ample evidence to do so. What just happened was a tiny improvement but unless it progresses it is virtually insignificant. I gave you time to prepare yourself in circumstances that were calm. If it were the Dark Lord he would not be that considerate. Should we put it to the test?"
Harry feeling rather confident at the moment nodded.
"Are you sure now." Snape asked in his calm deadly voice. "Because you may witness Cedric dying again, or perhaps your parents coming out of the Dark Lord's wand or Sirius falling through the veil."
Something clenched Harry's heart and anger overwhelmed him. "STOP IT, stop trying to dreg up all the horrible things that happened to me, you are a miserable." He never got to finish because Snape spit out "Legilimens".
Instantly Harry relived seeing himself as the snake practically kill Mr. Weasley, blood spurting out, an unbearable pain in his head. He doubled over and threw up.
Snape instantly ended the spell and waved his wand making the mess disappear.
Harry found himself covered in an icy sweat on the floor. Miserably he sat up curling his knees to his chest. His head sank as he shivered and his stomach cramped up. Snape had been right. He was no further ahead. He felt something smooth and cool by his cheek. "Harry". He opened his eyes to see Snape holding a bottle by his face. He took it and downed it knowing it would settle his stomach. Handing it back to Snape he bitterly asked while furiously blinking back tears. "Are you happy now, can't wait to tell Malfoy you were right?"
An odd look crossed Snape's features as he sat down beside him. "Do you think seeing you fail at this over and over again, makes me happy? I'm teaching you this for you and your safety, I'm certainly not doing this to amuse myself." He then added with a dangerous note in his voice. "As for Draco, are you deaf Potter or just have a short memory? I already told you that what happens here will only go as far as Dumbledore's ears."
Potter's head dropped to his knees again as he took a couple of deep breaths waiting for the potion to kick in. It puzzled Snape how Potter could one moment be so arrogant making his blood boil and the next look so vulnerable that he actually felt a stab of pity for him. He shook his head, it was time to focus on moving this process forward.
"That's enough now Potter, can you stand up?"
Harry nodded albeit still feeling a bit queasy.
"Come over here to my desk and take a seat." Snape ordered.
With a sigh, Harry sat down across from Snape.
Snape's hand rubbed his chin as he contemplated Potter. "Who do you trust the most?"
Harry swallowed hard, his heart beating frantically, reluctant to answer.
"Is it that hard a question?" Snape probed.
"Why do you want to know?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"Don't be so paranoid Potter. I only want to know because I want you to talk to someone who feel you can trust." Snape responded his dark eyes narrowing.
"Ron and Hermione I guess." Harry answered tentatively.
Snape immediately shook his head. "No, I meant an adult."
A well of emotion overtook Harry as he thought of Sirius, but he fought it down. "Lupin I suppose."
"Lupin, he'll do. We can't continue like this it's too draining on you and we aren't accomplishing much. I want you to talk to Lupin about everything. Your parents, your time with your aunt and uncle, Cedric's death, the dark lords possession of you and" He hesitated briefly, "and Sirius' death. You are full of pain and guilt and that makes you easy prey. You haven't dealt with any of this properly you've just hidden it barely under the surface. We can't continue until you have come to terms with these events."
Harry looked up with fury in his eyes. "Come to terms with it!!! Sirius died because YOU kicked me out of occlumency, because you didn't go to Sirius and keep him at Grimauldi place because." He stopped breathing heavily unable to continue.
Anger flitted through Snape's gaze briefly then he closed his eyes for a moment calming himself. "I see. So the reason that you are now unable to function properly is my fault?" He peered into Potters face. "Tell me then Potter, am I the one who broke a confidence and looked into your pensieve? Am I the one who didn't apologize for my actions? Perhaps all it would have taken would have been two words "I'm sorry" for occlumency lessons to continue?" Am I the one who snuck into Umbridge's office and got caught? Am I the one who didn't go to a professor and tell them what vision I had had so it could have been verified? Was it because of me that Sirius ended up at the Ministry of Magic?"
Potters face crumbled, with a small sob he leapt up and headed for the door. Snape got there ahead of him blocking his exit.
"Calm down, I didn't say all that to hurt you further but you need to face the fact you made mistakes. Everyone in their lifetime makes mistakes. Actions have consequences and in your case they were deadly. That does not mean that you are solely responsible. Sirius made mistakes, Dumbledore made mistakes and yes I let old wounds and pride overtake me. So if we as adults still make mistakes you basically still a child need not shoulder the blame yourself." He hesitated for a moment, then remembered Dumbledore's words. Swallowing heavily, he tentatively reached out and gave Potter's shoulder a quick, what he hoped was, reassuring squeeze. "I'm going to give you some dreamless sleep potion for tonight. Get some rest and come back tomorrow at 2:00pm."
He moved over to his potions but hearing the door open he realized Potter had left. Shaking his head exasperated he grabbed the bottle and went after him.
Harry tore down the hallway, Snape had touched a raw nerve, he knew it wasn't really Snape's fault he knew he he alone was to blame for Sirius's death. He just didn't know what to do. He didn't want to talk to Lupin about this, it was bad enough Snape saw him at his worst he didn't want Lupin who had been his father and godfathers best friends to see him like that. He didn't want to talk to anyone about how he felt. It wouldn't matter, no one could take away that hollow void and the gnawing pain that threatened to overwhelm him. Harry wanted nothing more than to be in the safety of his dorm when he rounded the corner and collided with Malfoy.
"Potty what's up with you, is there a Dementor on your tail?" Malfoy snarled viciously. He pulled out his wand "Because of you my father is in Azkaban it's time you paid for that!" He lifted his wand and pointed it just as Harry tried to grab for his wand.
"Cruc." Draco never completed the word as Snape knocked him sideways. The fury emanating from Snape was palatable. Harry swallowed heavily, he was sure it was directed at him for leaving his office without permission, luckily Snape in his hurry to get to him had accidentally bumped into Malfoy.
Snape actually trembled in his anger. He held a shaky hand out to Potter and snarled. "You forgot something." Harry took the potion without a word, and ranas fast as he could back to the Gryffindor tower. As he walked up the stairs it suddenly occured to him that at one point during the night Snape had accidentally called him Harry. It as a puzzling memory.
Meanwhile Snape in a cloak of fury turned to Draco.