Title: Lost Loves and Love Lost

Summary: A face from Alexis's past reemerges putting her and Ryan's relationship to the test. Takes place shortly after Alexis officially moves in with Ryan.

Genre: Drama

Characters: Ryan, Alexis

Ryan looked over the file he had brought home and rubbed his hands through his short auburn hair with a groan. They had hit a dead end and since he always copied everything anyway he had brought the scans of pictures and files home trying to notice anything everyone might have missed. It wasn't looking promising after the second hour.

Alexis's phone began to vibrate on the table, the black rectangle slowly buzzing towards the edge. Ryan looked around before shouting, "Lex your phone is ringing."

Her smiling face appeared around the frame of Devlin's room, "Can you answer it? We're busy."

He debated just ignoring it and letting it go to voicemail but sometimes Castle called and if no one answered he automatically jumped to one of two conclusions, they were having sex or Alexis had been kidnapped. Both options made the writer go into a panic so it was always best to answer the phone just in case. "Alexis's phone," he answered feeling very much like a secretary.

The line was silent for a moment until a male voice asked, "Is Alexis there?"

"She's busy can I take a message?" he asked as his hands flipped through a few pictures. Thank goodness his son was in his room with Alexis because no one needed to see these images.

"This is Ashley, could you just have her call me?"

Finally having a name he stiffened slightly and couldn't help himself from biting out, "Ex-boyfriend Ashley?"

Clearly the displeasure in his tone was obvious because the other man matched it. "Yeah. Who's this?"

"Detective Ryan. I'll tell her you called." Not waiting for a response he ended the call and set the phone down with a stormy expression. Why was he even feeling jealous, what was this high school? She had moved in with him which meant they were more than serious yet here he was feeling like little fifteen year old dorky Kevin again.

"Who was it?" Alexis asked as she entered the living room alone.

He wanted to tell her no one, just some jerk who had the wrong number but being catty wasn't the way to keep their relationship running smoothly. "Your ex, Ashley."

"Seriously? What did he want?" she asked, confusion evident on her scrunched brow. "I haven't talked to him in years."

"Wanted you to call him."

"Huh," she said softly before turning away and going back to Devlin's room. He wanted to ask if she was going to call him back, or meet up with him but it wasn't his business so he kept his thoughts to himself and got back to work.

A week later Alexis was in the shower while Ryan put Devlin to bed, the man of the house turning off the lights in the apartment after reading his son a bed time story. He was just about to retire to his room when a glow from the kitchen caught his attention. When he entered he saw it was Alexis's phone and he walked over to glance at it.

Great to talk to you the other day. We should meet up. –Ash

The message itself seemed innocent enough, even though he'd be lying if he said it didn't bother him that she called her ex, but he knew better than to dismiss the text. He had heard the defensive and challenging tone last week containing a subtle hint of warning.

He set the object down and leaned against the counter in thought. Should he bring up his concerns and insecurities to his girlfriend or just let it go because he trusted her explicitly? Was Ashley really and truly a threat or just a thorn in his side that would disappear with a little time?

"You coming to bed?" Alexis softly asked from the doorway. With a nod he pushed off the cabinets and followed her to the bedroom.

At the precinct the next morning Ryan was sitting in his chair deep in thought, brown leather boots resting on the edge of his desk as he stared into the coffee mug he held in both hands.

"That coffee must be either really good or really bad."

He glanced up at Beckett who was smiling pleasantly, "I didn't hear you get here."

She dropped down into Esposito's empty chair and turned to face him, "I've been here for almost a half hour and I haven't been overly quiet. Any particular reason you're doing an impression of a statue?"

Ryan set down his now cold cup of coffee on his desk and leaned his head against the back of his chair wondering if telling Beckett would be the wisest decision. He usually spoke to Javi about things but seeing as he wasn't here for some reason and Beckett was he figured it couldn't hurt to talk a little about the issue at hand. "Did you ever meet Alexis's boyfriend Ashley?"

The detective nodded, "A couple times. I remember him being tall and thin. Nervous but confident when needed. Didn't seem like a bad kid, why?"

"He's been talking to Alexis lately," he mumbled.

Beckett's eyebrows shot up and she hummed in understanding. "Feeling a little jealous Ryan?"

"I know it's stupid but yes I am." He dropped his feet to the floor and huffed, "You're a woman, should I be nervous about this?"

Her lips twitched a little and she tried to keep her laughter to herself. "No. It's an ex-boyfriend, one that she had reasons for dumping. He may be younger and most likely have a Stanford education by now," she continued and laid her hand on his arm when he began to pout. "But Alexis loves you. Don't sell yourself short Ryan, you have a lot to offer and have no reason to be nervous of any competition." She stood up and grinned, "Plus you're pretty damn cute."

"Who's cute?" Esposito asked as he walked around the corner.

Beckett smirked at her youngest detective's blush, "Ryan."

"Isn't he though?" he teased as Ryan flashed him a flat look before finally smiling.

A few days later all his questions about the 'Ashley Issue' as he had come to call it were answered and all Kate's words went out the window. He had gotten off work earlier than he had anticipated, Esposito dropping him off a full hour before he was supposed to be home. Ryan walked around the corner from the stairs and took a few steps before stopping at the sight in front of him. Alexis and Ashley kissing in the hallway. A part of him had been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to fall apart because it always seemed to but this still came as a shock. Not feeling like a confrontation he turned back around and entered the stairwell to catch his breath.

His conscience whispered that he should have expected this, after all she was still young, still finding out what she wanted in life. A million things raced through his head until he looked at his watch and realized it had already been an hour. With a heavy heart he walked out of the stairwell and to his apartment where Dev was thankfully already asleep and Alexis was sitting on the couch.

It took a lot for him to not burst out into a fit so to distract himself he simply walked to his room and took his time sliding off his gun and badge from his belt.

"Everything ok?"

He paused as he loosened his tie, "You tell me."

She walked around him and sat down on the bed to face him better, "What do you mean?" It was at this moment he realized he had two very different options he could choose; the first was that he could completely ignore what he had seen and continue to act like everything was fine. The second option was to confront her and end the best thing that's happened to him in the last three years.

"I saw you and Ashley."

Alexis's jaw dropped before she quickly tried to explain, "He said he wanted to talk in person and I told him that I'd give him five minutes and…"

Ryan shook his head, "I really don't feel like listening to this. I think you should go to Castle's for a few days."

"Kevin, please let me explain. It's not what it looked like…"

Running out of patience quickly he shook his head, "Do not make a scene or wake up my son, just get your things and go home. Now." He watched as she began to cry and collect all her belongings before walking out to the entryway. "Don't worry about taking care of Devlin, I'll take care of my son."

She finally broke down, "Please Kevin, please let me explain. I know how it looked and I know you're upset but that didn't mean anything. He kissed me."

"And what, you just decided to go along with it?" He felt himself start to break apart and opened the door, "Leave." When she finally stepped out into the hallway he closed the door and leaned against it, tears falling as his knees gave out. In the darkness of his home he began to sob.

The next day Ryan showed up for work and based off Castle's expression he knew what had happened. Fighting an eye roll he almost jumped for joy when the phone rang with a new murder. Not wasting any time he grabbed his keys and quickly walked to the elevator, intercepting Esposito before heading down.

Once they were on they way Esposito looked at his partner, "You ok bro?"

"Alexis and I had a fight, we're taking a break. Or we broke up. I don't know."

"What? When?" he asked in disbelief. "Why?"

Ryan sighed, "Last night. I don't want to talk about it."

Silence filled the air until Esposito couldn't take it any longer, "What happened?"

"I let my guard down is what happened. I was stupid and naïve and I don't want to talk about it," he said again. When they got to the scene they both went their separate ways quickly doing their jobs and relaying information to Beckett. Ryan would feel Castle's gaze on him the entire time and when he turned to leave he heard footsteps behind him.

"Ryan."

He ignored him until a hand on his shoulder made him jerk away and glare. "What?"

Castle looked down at him and for the first time Ryan felt bothered by how large the other man was compared to him. He crossed his arms and waited for Castle to speak. "Alexis came home pretty upset last night, said you kicked her out. Now she didn't give me any details but I know you two love each other. Do you want to talk about it, maybe I can help?"

"I don't want to discuss it, it's between me and her and it's over," he said as he turned to walk away.

Castle grabbed his arm and jerked him back a little, "I don't like her to be upset, what did you do?"

Ryan looked at the hand still around his arm, "This has nothing to do with you so back off, leave me alone." He jerked his arm free and walked back to the car where his partner had been watching.

"Bro, what was that?"

Ryan threw his hands up in the air, "God just leave me alone, all of you. Focus on the damn case." The ride back to the precinct was tense and quiet, Kevin trying to keep himself in check and Esposito trying to honor his friends wishes. When they arrived Ryan instantly jumped out of the car and made his way upstairs to his desk where he began making phone calls to check alibis. After a few hours he looked at the clock and sighed, it was time to pick up his son from school. He slipped on his jacket and walked over to Beckett, "I have to go pick up Dev, if you need anything call me."

She frowned, "I thought Alexis picked him up usually?"

He looked at her in surprise, Castle hadn't told her. Even though they weren't together, as far as he knew, he still thought they shared most things. "We're taking a break. For the time being I need to take care of Dev."

"I'm sorry Ryan, if there's anything I can do to help let me know."

For the first time today Ryan smiled, everyone wanted to talk about everything except Kate. She was allowing him space and he doubted she had any idea how much he appreciated that fact. "Thanks Beckett. I called on everyone we spoke to and all their alibi's checked out as far as I can tell for the time being. Bye."

As soon as he left Castle and Esposito appeared. "This isn't good guys," the lead detective said to the other two.

Esposito agreed, "No it isn't."

Castle frowned, "What are you two talking about? Ryan seemed short today but that's normal after a break up or whatever they're going through."

Esposito shook his head, "Ryan doesn't work like other people, he doesn't just get upset and move on. When he's truly upset he keeps everything inside until he goes into a downward spiral and has a total break down. If we don't pull him out of this fast it's going to get bad."

"Do we know what happened?" Beckett asked as she looked at Castle. "I mean you're Alexis's dad, did she say anything?"

He shook his head, "A lot of crying, said it was a mistake and a misunderstanding and she's not sure how to make it better." A slow breath escaped him, "I tried to warn her but she didn't listen."

"Warn her about what?" Beckett questioned.

"About Ryan, that she was getting in too deep. He's older, a widower, and has a five year old son. It's too much for someone Alexis' age to handle. Ryan needs more than Alexis can give."

Esposito squared his chest defensively, "You make him sound like someone to just give up on, like he's got all these problems. Ry's just fine."

Beckett placed a hand on his shoulder, "Castle didn't mean it like that, he cares about Ryan just as much as we do." She looked at Ryan's desk before looking back at the pair of them. "All we can do is be there for Ryan, we can't push him too much right now."

Esposito shook his head, "You two can do that but I'll be damned if I'm going to watch Kevin crash and burn. I already did it once and I don't think he can handle it again."

As the days began to slide by it became obvious to everyone that Ryan was falling apart at the seams trying to balance work and being a good father, all while trying to get over the only woman he's ever loved aside from Jenny. His usually impeccable clothes now had wrinkles, his always bright eyes look more dull everyday, and to top it off he wasn't answering his phone half the time making him unreliable.

It was a Friday when it came to a head. Devlin had wanted to spend the weekend with a friend so Ryan didn't have to pick him up this evening which alleviated some stress but also caused some at the fact he would be home alone with just his thoughts. After a couple hours driving around with no leads Esposito and Ryan arrived back to the precinct more than a little pissed off.

Ryan slammed the door shut as he exited and tried to walk inside only to have his way blocked by Esposito. "Look bro, whatever's got you in a twist just get it out because I ain't doing this forever."

"I'm fine, just leave me alone," he said as he tried to move around him.

Esposito sidestepped to block him, "You know the more you don't talk the more I think you're to blame for your breakup. What's the big secret, why won't you talk about anything? What did you do to mess it all up?"

"I didn't mess up anything! Now back off!" he tried to shove past his partner but Esposito shoved him backwards, he retaliated with a harder shove and before anyone knew what happened Esposito had punched Ryan in the face so hard it had knocked him into the side of the car.

Ryan slid down the side until he was sitting on the concrete with his head down.

"Bro, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. You ok?" Esposito asked frantically as he dropped down. He wasn't much taller than his partner but he was definitely stronger and his years in the military had made his retaliations brutal. When he didn't get a response he carefully grabbed Ryan's face to inspect the damage and heaved a sigh when he saw the tears in his best friends eyes. The dam had finally broken.

"No Javi, I'm not ok. Nothing is remotely ok at this point," he cried as he lost the battle with himself and his emotions.

Javier dropped down next to him and leaned back against the cruiser offering silent support. He glared at any officers walking by who looked at the two in confusion and waited for Ryan to finally tell him what happened.

"I came home last week and Lex was with Ashley, her ex-boyfriend, in the hallway looking a lot more than just friendly. I just feel so stupid Javi, in my mind this was actually going to work. Now Dev doesn't have a sitter and I'm right back where I started, alone and overwhelmed." A hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed and he offered a weak smile at Esposito.

"That's harsh bro. I know Alexis loves you so I don't understand why she would do this. Have you talked to her about it at all?" he asked quietly.

He shook his head, "I just don't want to hear it. I'm too old for this shit Javi, I can only deal with so much and I'm about maxed out." A heavy pause filled the air until he whispered, "I've been thinking of quitting."

"What?" Esposito barked. "No way in hell, you're my partner."

Ryan groaned and brought his knees to his chest in a surprisingly child like manner, "I don't want to let you down but I don't know how to do this with Dev. He needs stability and I can't give it to him working God knows what hours. I was supposed to have somebody to help me with all this, a partner. I don't know how to do it alone."

Javier shook his head, "You're not quitting so get that thought out of your head. Now we're either going to fix this or move on any way we can. I'm your partner bro, not just at work. We'll get through this but for right now you need to call Alexis."

"No."

He pursed his lips, "Get your butt off the floor and call her. Listen to what she has to say and if you don't get back together we'll figure something out for Dev all right? You can't keep going in this limbo stage, it's messing you up Ry." He stood and held out a hand waiting for Kevin to grasp it.

Ryan grabbed his hand and pulled himself up before dusting off his pants and pulling out his phone. He looked at his partner with trepidation and walked out away from the car and around a corner before dialing.

When she picked up it took everything he had to not hang up. "It's Kevin, can we talk?"

There was silence on the line until a sniffle could be heard, "I'm so glad you called, I've missed you and Dev so much. I'm sorry for what happened."

He cleared his throat and rubbed his now throbbing eye gently, "What did happen Alexis? Walk me through this."

"Ashley texted me and said he wanted to talk in person and I figured the only way to get him to just leave me alone was let him say his piece and be done. He's been calling and texting me for a couple weeks even though I told him I'm with someone, that I'm living with you. I told him to meet me at your apartment because Dev was tired and I didn't want to drag him out somewhere. So Ashley showed up and I stepped out in the hallway so Dev wouldn't hear our conversation. He talked about how much he missed me and wanted us to be together but I kept telling him no."

The line went silent until Ryan asked, "Then what?"

It was difficult to understand her through her tears but he made out most of it. "He kissed me out of nowhere and I don't know why but I kissed him back. It was just a reaction and only lasted a second before I pushed him away. I love one person Kevin and it's you. I'm sorry, please don't do this to us. Can we please try again?"

He leaned back on the bench he was sitting on and looked around at the all the people milling about. "Maybe this was a sign that we're not on the same page. You're young Alexis, don't you want to go have fun and do your own thing instead of taking care of a child and being tied to someone?"

"No I don't. I have fun with you and Dev, you're my thing. I love you Kevin, if you let me I'll be with you forever."

Several minutes passed in silence, only soft breathing and noises from cars filling the line. Alexis had just about lost hope when he whispered, "I love you too."

"Can I see you tonight?"

He swallowed thickly, "Yeah. Dev is staying at a friend's house this weekend so we'll go out. I'll meet you at seven at that place on 54th."

"Ok I'll be there. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll see you then."

He hung up and while he felt like a weight had been lifted he also felt fearful of what would happen. What if they got back together and this happened again? Glancing at his watch he knew he needed to get back to work, crime didn't take a break while he dealt with relationship issues.

When he wandered into homicide Esposito lifted his eyebrows in a silent question. He dropped down at his desk and looked at him, "We're going out tonight, see how it goes."

"That good!" He grimaced, "Except for the black eye I gave you."

Ryan snorted and smiled, "Yeah, thanks for that. Way to hit a guy when he's down." He glanced at Beckett and Castle who were in the break room before looking back at his partner, "Could you not mention this to them, I really don't want anyone to know until we talk tonight."

"Yeah, of course."

Beckett came out of the break room shaking her head and whatever Castle was saying but stopped at Ryan's desk, "What happened to your face? Did one of the suspects attack you?"

He looked up, "Uh, no."

"Then who hit you?"

Ryan gently prodded his eye, "Not important. So all our leads didn't pan out, what about yours and Castle's?"

Later in the day Ryan leaned against the edge of a building deep in thought as he waited for Alexis. His line of sight caught a flash of red hair and he pushed himself off the wall and stood up straight as Alexis approached with a nervous expression. She stopped a respectable distance away and they both offered weak smiles. Ryan could almost taste the awkward.

"What happened to your eye?" she asked quietly.

He didn't answer.

Not knowing what to say or how to act they both waited for the other to say or do something. Finally Alexis asked, "Are you hungry? Do you want to get something to eat?"

He shook his head, "Not really, unless you do."

"No, I'm fine."

The silence descended upon them again until Ryan jerked his head towards the park, "Come on." They walked quietly through the park, the chill of the winter air biting at any skin that wasn't covered. Ryan stuck his hands in the pockets of his knee length coat and saw Alexis tighten the belt on her purple jacket. The walk was silent until Alexis tried to turn down a pathway and Ryan's hand shot out to redirect her.

Seeing her startled look he peered over her shoulder, "Don't ever go to the west side of the park, bunch of junkies down there."

Feeling some tension draining as they continued talking about neutral topics he lifted his hand out of his pocket and grasped Alexis's freezing one. "It got cold today," he whispered as a few snowflakes began to descend from the heavens.

"Yes it did." She shivered once and he lifted his arm around her and held her closer as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm. A slight frown appeared as she looked up at him, "Please tell me what happened to your eye."

He sighed, "Javi and I got into an argument and he clocked me." At her concerned expression he offered a comforting smile, "We're fine, not the first time one of us has hit the other."

"You two usually work well together."

"We didn't always. It was rough at first. We thought we'd get along great but once we were actually partnered up it got bad."

"I find that hard to believe."

"We're just different and stubborn. Instead of playing on our own strengths to cover each others weaknesses we focused on each others shortcomings. Mr. Badass said I was too green and didn't know how to handle myself in confrontations and I thought he was just a bulked up idiot than ran into everything head first. It took a pretty close call for us to realize that we had to watch each other's backs because no one else was." He began to laugh and shook his head in amusement. "Feels like forever ago."

He glanced around and saw they were completely alone so he stopped walking and pulled her around to face him, absently brushing snow out of her hair. "I can't lose you Lex, can we just act like this never happened?"

She cupped his face and rubbed her thumbs across the stubble on his jaw, "I'd like that and from now on let's work on our communication because we apparently suck at it." With a small amount of hesitation she kissed him softly, a pleased noise sounding from her when he leaned into it. "Can you promise me that next time you're upset about something we'll talk about it before you storm off?"

He smiled sheepishly, "I can't promise but I'll try really hard to."

"That works," she said with a smile before a shiver raced down her spine. "I'm freezing."

"Me too," he agreed before kissing her one more time. "Come on, let's go home."

Her phone began to ring and Alexis pulled it out and huffed in annoyance at the display, "He's still trying to call me." Ryan snatched the phone from her hands and answered it.

"I know who you are. I know what you want. If you are looking for patience, I can tell you I don't have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you never speak to Alexis again, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will end you."

Alexis smothered her giggles with her hand as Ryan tried not to laugh.

"A part of you thinks I'm joking, a part of you think's I'm serious. I suggest you don't try to find out which is true. Do you understand?"

The line was silent for a moment until an unsure voice finally spoke. "You wouldn't hurt me, you're a cop."

"Accidents happen everyday Ashley. Terrible, unavoidable accidents," he said in a low tone, all traces of humor gone. A second later he handed his girlfriend back her phone with a smirk. "He hung up."

"Because you went all Taken on him which I must say was the funniest thing I've heard in a while." She leaned further into his side as they began to make their way out of the park, content smiles on their lips.