A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for the outrageous delay, but welcome to chapter four of the 'Fabulous Diary of Gilderoy Lockhart'.
Four Your Eyes Only
3rd September
Lockhart's Love Lounge (aka. My Hogwarts rooms) – 7:21am
Ahhh, what a lovely morning! What a beautiful sight!
7:23am
I suppose I should explain: after she returned last night, Ida finallyfixed my mirrors on the wall so the first thing I see in the morning is magical me.
7:24am
Magical Me! Ha! I really am priceless.
7:38am
Bored seen as I'm up so early. But what can I say? The desire to pass on the juices of knowledge makes me rise early!
7:39am
Urgh!
7:42am
Ida's returned with breakfast from the kitchens!
"H – here you are, s – sir."
"Ida? What's wrong with you? Yawning is awfully rude!"
"Begging your pardon, sir! Ida has had a long night what with the pixies and the mirrors!"
"Oh, pish posh! Honestly, Ida! You've only done a bit of work. Now, what's for breakfast?"
"Fried egg, fried bread, fried tomatoes, fried bacon, fried mushrooms, fried hash-browns, sir!"
Ah! Just how I like it. And healthy too with the mushrooms and tomatoes.
7:44am
'Gilderoy Top Tip – Number 3':
"Always eat breakfast in your private rooms. That way, when you eat breakfast publicly, you only need to graze on some pieces of fruit and a cup of herbal tea!"
That's a golden nugget of knowledge right there.
7:47am
Great Scott!
Ida has just told me that the kitchen is buzzing with news that my dear friend Harry Potter has performed the most flamboyant of stunts to signal his arrival at school. Oh, dear. Is this for my benefit?
7:53am
It must be surely? Why else would a young boy fly a car to school other than to gain my attention?
8:22am
Oh goodness! I've given him the bug, haven't I? The fame bug! That's what happens when you get a front page picture...you can't help wanting more! Oh, I'm wracked with guilt!
8:25am
Perhaps I should take him under my wing? Make him a suave, sophisticated and devastatingly fabulous gentleman? Oh, what a splendid idea!
8:34am
Hmmm. Maybe not. Don't want somebody younger stealing my thunder.
He'll have to make it on his own.
Though perhaps I could give him a few pieces of advice? After all, I may gain even more love from my fans if they find out I've been helping those less fortunate than myself.
8:41am
Will prepare speech for him and make the suggestion that he calm it down. He has plenty of time for heroics after school and –
Oh sweet baby Merlin! What robes am I wearing today? I only have nineteen minutes! IDAAAAAAA!
8:56am
Lovely sunny day. Turquoise will keep me looking hot, hot, hot! Picked the ones with the golden trim too! Matches hair beautifully. I'm free first thing this morning so it'll be the perfect time to talk to Potter!
8:57am
Now to find out what class he has this morning so I can intercept him and give him the seed of my knowledge!
8:58am
Urgh.
Staff Room – 9:02am
He's got Herbology with Pomona Sprout!
Poor dab, having to deal with all that dirt. Messes up one's robes something dreadful!
Office – 9:56am
Managed to catch up with Potter in time. Even had a chance to give Pomona a little advice on nursing a Whomping Willow.
I'm on firethis morning!
9:59am
Gave Potter some delightfully sage advice on slowing down his career. Told him that there was no rush...we're all little nobodies at some point during our lives!
He looked a bit down when I told him that, so I tried to big him up a bit by telling him that all that business with He Who Must Not Be Named is at least a rung on the ladder.
I'm so caring and nurturing.
10:00am
Perhaps I should consider becoming a father...? It's not like it'd be hard to find a willing woman to bestow my seed upon.
Woof!
Classroom – 10.01am
Ah, little first years are wandering into the class, astounded by Magical Me!
Hmmm. Perhaps they are sort of sweet. Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honourary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, five times winner of Witch Weekly'sMost Charming Smile Award and...nurturing father...?
10:03am
I'd be a DILF! Now, that'sa title to be endeavoured after!
10:27am
Set the little Firsties the Gilderoy Quiz. Pretending to write a new book while trying to figure out which type of child would suit me most.
Quiet and snivelling? Would induce the 'awwww' factor. Bit snotty though. Bleurgh.
Smart and book-ish? Would certainly be useful. But I run the risk of having a child more intelligent than I. That will not do.
Cheeky and charming? A mini-me! One that I can mould to be a less handsome, less intelligent, less charming version of me! Perfect!
10:46am
One little boy has just raised his hand. He looks cheeky and charming! Future son...? Depends on how healthy his parents are...
"Yes, dear boy?"
"Sir, this test is stupid! We don't wanna learn about you! We want to learn how to fight stuff!"
All of the other children laughed.
10:49am
I hate children! I'm never becoming a father!
I can feel my bottom lip quivering but I will not give them the satisfaction. It doesn't do to let them know they've got to you.
10:54am
Dismissed class early. I will compose myself in my office.
Office – 10:56am
Sobbing.
Oh, why are some children so cruel? Why do they not want to learn about Magical Me?
"Sir? Sir? Are you alright, sir?"
"Oh I-Ida! H-h-hold m-me!"
10:58am
It's hit me!
That was a cheeky boy wasn't it? The class joker?
He was tricking me! It's a joke!
Haha! Oh, he got Gilderoy good! What a clever lad. Maybe there's hope for him after all!
11:00am
"Ida! Quickly! Fix my curls and wipe off my running mascara! I have a class to teach!"
Classroom – 11:18am
Ahhh, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor Seventh Years!
Now these are students! Wonderfully hard workers! Watching them do the Gilderoy Quiz, I can practically seetheir thoughts.
11:20am
Good Lord, that's so deep. Maybe I could be a poet...?
11:27am
Hmmm. What to use my new poetic skills to write about?
11:41am
Ode to Blouse
by Gilderoy Lockhart
O blouse, you are white and crisp,
Like a man with an aggressive lisp,
I sometimes wish you were a misty wisp!
You've passed all your exams in Blouse Training,
But your buttons are straining,
And my confidence in you is waning!
When you part, what shall you reveal?
A hairy chest to make me squeal?
Or a cleavage for me to feel?
O blouse,
Will you let me browse,
And show me contents to arouse?
O blouse,
You tease!
You are a jolly wheeze!
Beautiful!
Perhaps I should publish a book of poetry!
11:52am
If I do publish Ode to Blouse, no one can know that I wrote it about that perky brunette Ravenclaw Seventh Year in the front row.
Though, she istechnically of age...
11:53am
Down, boy!
Oh, I'm sucha card!
11:55am
Just checked her name on the seating plan. Michelle Tanner.
Woof!
Noon
LUNCH!
Great Hall – 12:13pm
Sat next to Severus and we ate in companionable silence. That simply won't do!
"So, Severus old boy, ever tapped a student?" And I winked.
He just looked at me.
Keep forgetting most just aren't as lucky with the ladies as I! Bet he's wanted to, though. Before I came here, I didn't realise this would be such a breeding ground for young hotties! There's nothing like a young witch who's just come of age!
(Though should probably control self as actually am quite enjoying job and don't think scandal would help popularity.)
Maybe I could invest in building a romance over the course of the year and cash in after the school year is over...?
12:15pm
Bit of an atmosphere at the staff table. Perhaps Minnie and Hooch have had a lover's spat?
12:16pm
Gasp!
They're sat at opposite ends of the table! Minnie's by Albus, drowning her sorrows in steak and cake (more poetry!) Oh, Minnie! A fat arse won't win sexy cougar Hooch back!
Hooch is sat by Sinistra at the other end of the table. Hmmm. Is she on the prowl for a younger woman, perhaps? Well, I'll say this for Sinistra, she knows all the quiet spots in the Astronomy Tower!
If there are any doomed lovers that deserve some poetry written about them, it's these two old lesbians!
Classroom – 1:03pm
Just had to have anotherlittle chat with dear Harry Potter!
That boy is letting his ego run his life. Signed photos would you believe?
Still, I've got his second year class now and you know what that means?
CORNISH PIXIES!
After the Gilderoy Quiz, of course.
1:37pm
Some of these kids are dimwits. Whose favourite colour is brown?!
Brown I ask you!
Do I look like a brown lover to you?
NO.
1:39pm
Maybe there's hope after all! One girl had full marks!
I congratulated her and she nearly fell off her seat.
Seems someone has a little crush! Bless her!
But she's twelve. And she's no Michelle Tanner. And she's gross.
Office – 2:12pm
Well, I think the Cornish Pixies were a triumph.
A little rowdy, but a triumph nonetheless.
2:14pm
Also, have unfortunately lost wand.
2:15pm
Well, not lostas such. Pixies stole it and threw it out of the window.
But I let them!
I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honourary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly'sMost Charming Smile Award, could easily have taken out a cage's worth of Cornish Pixies but I chose to let them take my wand.
It was a life lesson for Potter. I was teaching him that even the greatest wizard in the world (me) can be toppled by the smallest creature (not really).
I'm so wise.
2:18pm
Free now, so should probably go and look for wand.
Hogwarts Grounds – 3:20pm
Found wand!
Classroom – 3:43pm
Classroom is still a mess. Bloody Potter and Co could have cleared up once they were done!
Young people today have no manners.
Lockhart's Love Lounge – 3:45pm
"IDAAAAA! Clear up the classroom!"
"But, sir! Ida isn't supposed to go into classrooms, sir! Ida is meant to stay downstairs or in teachers' offices, sir!"
"Oh, nonsense! Just clear it up, will you? It's much quicker when you do it."
"Oh...er, yes, sir!"
She's such a whiner. Gawd.
7:00pm
Evening meal! Om nom nom!
Let's hope Minnie and Hooch have sorted their love troubles.
7:23pm
They're sat next to each other! I knew it!
7:27pm
Wonder if they're holding hands underneath the table...?
7:28pm
Dropped fork to investigate.
7:29pm
Sweet Merlin! It's Hand Holding City under here!
7:31pm
Kettleburn and Trelawney? Ewww!
8:43pm
Nice to soak in the bath after a very long and busy day!
Which bath bomb?
Ruggedly Rose or Temptingly Tangerine?
Oh, decisions, decisions!
9:36pm
Early night, I think. Very comfortable now I'm smelling of rose (ruggedly, of course).
Ida's changed the sheets and I'm itching to get in!
9:38pm
Outraged! Ida's changed the sheets to hot pink!
I toldher yesterday that pink was so last season! Did she listen? No!
9:53pm
To make matters worse, she's laid out the rust pyjamas! Rust and cerise? Is she mad?
10:04pm
Have told Ida to change the sheets.
"But, sir, wouldn't it be easier to just change your pyjamas?"
"Don't be ridiculous Ida...well, yes it would but that's not the point! It's the principleof the thing!"
10:17pm
Ivory sheets and rust pyjamas. Now that's a match made in heaven!
4th September
Lockhart's Love Lounge - 8:14pm
I've been busy, busy, busy today!
All this teaching lark has really filled me with passion (oo-er!)
Just a quick update to show you all that I've written another of my delightful poems for our favourite star crossed lesbians.
Ode to Minnie and Hooch
by Gilderoy Lockhart
O Minnie, my lesbian Scot,
You are more interesting than a dot,
And not as bad as a blood clot!
O Hooch, my lesbian dove,
You are always doomed to love
Those who don't fit you like a glove!
O Minnie and Hooch,
We all wince when you smooch,
And cover the eyes of our pooch!
But, O you lesbian two,
We love you, (yes we do!)
But when you split, we'll all say 'phew!'
I'm crying at my own poetry. That's the sign of a talented artist.
Thanks for reading and please review! We love them!