A/N: Hey! So lots of people have asked me to continue this one. So I guess I am lol
Skip this if you want but a few guest reviewers want my thoughts on Jay/ Nat and I can't reply haha BTW I'm on twitter lexicane and always happy to chat or rant lol
Now, I don't think Nat and Jay will date, I don't think that would happen AT ALL. In saying that, I'm pissed it happened. I mean we can't get a Jay PTSD storyline on PD but they can send Jesse over to Med for that POINTLESS scene?! Yes, you can say that Will cancelled and Nat walked by... BUT THE WRITERS MADE THAT HAPPEN. So just ask yourself - why? Was it to create hype? Knowing it would get us riled up? Like I said, I doubt they would have anything happen. Why schedule Jesse to be on Med for that?! That's where my issue lies... why have Jay go to a game with Nat?
Of course, the writers are dumb sometimes so no promises.
Following that, I think it's hard for some of us to take because we haven't had any Linstead friendship or personal scenes in ages. When they were together they were scarce. Then we get a wife, for cheap drama. Could have done a way better storyline and Jesse/Jay deserves it.
Also, Jay really only ever took Erin to Molly's. Never to a game... that we saw. And never to the cabin... stupid cancelled episode. So it's likely, THIS is what's getting to us.
So I'm not hating on Jay or Jesse. Just really unsure why they did it TBH.
That's IMO anyway. We all have our own, we won't know until we see how it plays out. Don't get me wrong, if something happens there I'M GOING TO LOSE IT. That's a promise.
If Only You Knew – Chapter Four
Erin POV
My eyes are dropping heavily as I fight sleep, head resting against my pillows as I struggle to finish the chapter.
I dart my eyes over to the door, my spare hand caressing my bump knowing I'm actually waiting up for Jay, no interest in the current 'what to expect' chapter.
My eyes find the book again continuing to run down the page, they widen suddenly sleep disappearing when I read about the birth.
"Babe, what's wrong?"
"Jay, you sacred me." I jump at the sound of his voice.
"You started reading." He smiles over at me as he rests against the doorframe.
"Not from the start, and that was a mistake." I shudder before I drop the book onto the floor.
"You do know we have to teach our kids to tidy up after themselves?" His eyebrow rises in that playful but sexy way of his.
"I'm pregnant, sue me." I fire back fiercely.
"You're gonna use that a lot aren't you?"
"Yep. Oh, so much. Get ready babe." Jay chuckles before he places a kiss on my forehead, as he walks by me and into the bathroom to shower and change.
"You're having my baby Erin, I'd do anything."
"Too bad you can't give birth. That alone is reason enough you should worship my feet." Jay chuckles as he turns the shower on.
"I'm guessing that's the chapter you started with." My glare finds him as he chuckles, pulling his shirt off.
"Yes! It's horrific!" My gaze is distracted by his body; my hormones running wild and unsure what they are craving.
"Erin, babe. You stand over dead bodies for a living." He steps into the shower and under the spray of water.
"I'm never had to push a baby out of me before Jay." I sigh loudly, trying to calm my annoyance. Frustrated tears find my eyes when I can't; I curse the hormones before getting out of bed.
"Hey, don't cry."
"I'm not meaning to! I fucking hate this." Jay opens the shower door, stepping out and wrapping me in his wet arms.
"You're wet." I mumble against his chest.
"You can be too." He kisses my forehead, a smile on his lips. A giggle slips through my lips as I hold him tighter, seeking comfort only his arms can provide.
"I'm scared." The confession slips out before my mind can process it.
"Of what baby?"
"Giving birth, having a baby… being a mum. Our baby will depend on us… what if I do something wrong." His hands caress my cheeks, thumbs wiping my tears.
"My god, what's wrong with me." I sniff loudly.
"Nothing. You're perfect." His forehead touches mine gently.
"Shut up." I push him away with a husky chuckle.
"I'll be with you every step, just think once you give birth we're going to have a beautiful little baby girl-"
"Or boy." I giggle, tears still flowing.
"To hold in our arms, we'll love him or her so much. Erin, you are going to be an amazing mum. You have so much love in your heart, and so much strength. I've never met anyone stronger; our kids will be so lucky knowing their mum is Erin Lindsay. Because you will never let anything harm them, you'll be there to protect them."
"Yeah?" I take a deep breath, blinking back tears.
"Yeah, from it all... Even the invisible monsters under the bed. I don't doubt any of it for a second. You're the one I want to have my family with, I've known that since the start."
"Okay." His lips find mine gently.
"I'm all wet now." I complain with a smile.
"Oh I'll get you wet." Jay's strong arms pull me into the shower with him, bringing me under the hot spray.
"You better deliver on that promise Halstead."
"Always, Lindsay." His words have a deeper meaning; he's talking about it all.
Our whole lives.
"Do you want to get married?" Jay's sudden question stuns me; my eyes fly open before I look up at him.
He's staring at the TV as he flicks channels, no other light is on in the room so I can hide my expression.
I sit up slowly, resting against the headboard trying to decipher his emotions and reasons for the question.
"No," The simple word seems hard, the raise of his eyebrows confirming my thoughts.
"You know I don't really care about that… I know you do. And I get you probably don't want to have our baby out of wedlock. But I don't care. This isn't about you. If we got married now, I'll always wonder if the baby was why. You sure as hell weren't going to propose before this happened." I'm quick to anger, cursing the hormones for not being able to stay calm.
"Erin." Jay's blue eyes turn to me; fear and regret hidden there.
"I'm not saying, not ever. I'm just saying not now."
"Okay." Some hope shines through in his gaze, relief showing on his face.
"Especially in light of your secret wife. I sure as hell am not backing that up straight after." I regret the bitter statement the moment it slips through my lips.
My heart hurts watching the conflicting emotions play out on Jay's face.
"I'm not saying this to hurt you Jay. I'm just telling you how I feel." I offer him a small smile accompanied with a shrug.
"Okay." He nods softly, understanding on his face.
"Why were you so late tonight?"
"I had support group."
"That was earlier."
"I went to see Doctor Charles. I don't think support group is enough, I want to do better. For you and for our baby."
"You are doing good Jay… is that what brought the marriage topic up?" He shrugs at me, his posture tense with hurt.
"It was just a tough memory I relived today." He swallows harshly, a look in his eyes that sits uncomfortably with me.
"Want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Right, of course." Hurt fills me at his rejection, the mood swings making it impossible to tell if it's justified or not.
Finally, in effort to avoid a fight or hurtful words spoken, I slide down in bed and roll over.
"Night." I pull the covers up and close my eyes.
"Erin." His hands reach for me, his cheek coming down to rest against mine.
"It's fine Jay. I'm just tired." My lips want to find his, my head wishing to turn to allow this. However I don't move from my position, finally his lips find my cheek before he sighs and turns out the light.
I wake with a groan, my full bladder sending me scrambling from the bed and into the bathroom.
"Not again." I moan tiredly.
My eyes are heavy as I climb back into bed; Jay's awake state startles me.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" His posture is stiff; he's staring at the ceiling as he lies on his back.
"No, I haven't slept." There's a hitch to his tone, I lean up on an elbow to lean over his face.
The look in his eyes is haunting, pulling at my guilty conscious and sending pain to my heart.
"Wanna talk?" My whisper is soft, the request so quiet that maybe it won't hurt so much when he doesn't respond.
I lean close, eyes still locked as I rub my nose gently against his. My eyes close as I touch his lips briefly, I rest my forehead against his as his arms encircle my waist and pull my body to lie against him.
My fingers lazily trace a comforting pattern on his bare chest as he kisses my forehead, I kiss his chest before getting comfortable tucked against him.
"Chris Johns."
"What?"
"I got him killed." Shock floods my body when he opens up; the grief in his tone bringing me back to this moment.
"Jay…"
"It was a week before we were going home, he was getting married. I was meant to be his best man." I can hear the tears in his voice, the pain as he chokes back sobs.
"We were confronted by a boy with a gun… we tried to talk him out of it, he was so young… I didn't think he would shoot. The bullet went John's his neck… I took the boy out. Too late." Jay's body is shaking with grief against me.
"Baby." I tilt my head back, resting my forehead against his cheek.
"I tried to stop the bleeding, but he didn't make it. He just told me to tell his fiancé he loved her… and he was sorry."
"Jay, it's not your fault."
"I hesitated."
"It was a boy. He hesitated too… you're a good man Jay." My hand moves up to cradle the side of his face.
"I killed a boy Erin. Next time I didn't hesitate either." The whispered confession sits heavy between us.
"None of that was your fault." My tone is fierce and honest, wishing he would believe me.
"I can't get it out of my head." His blue eyes are full of such raw pain.
"Share it with me. Lean on me, these memories haunt you, I can't change that. But I'm here for you. To remind you, you're a good man and you deserve to be here. You deserve my love, and you have it. Always." I've never spoken more truth in my life.
"God, I love you. Why did I think I could get through this without you?" He seems so lost and unsure as I pull him closer; my tight grip a reminder that I've found him.
"You freaked out... but not anymore. That's my job with the baby coming." He chuckles softly and I allow myself a small smile.
"This what brought on the marriage talk?" He nods softly.
"I came back… he didn't. He was supposed to get married. God, mine was a joke. I didn't think I deserved it anyway… deserved you. I wish I could take it back, because you're the woman I want to marry."
"Maybe one day." Knowing the last time I let that hope sit between us it came true, maybe this will too.
"Oh, definitely." We share a kiss full of promise.
"You okay babe?" I shake my head at Jay as I lean my hands on the kitchen bench for support.
"Just not feeling well this morning." I take a deep breath, trying to contain the nausea.
Jay moves to stand behind me, coaxing my back against his chest. His hands rest over my bump and mine entwine with his.
"Since when babe?"
"Earlier this morning." My eyes close, trying to calm myself and ignore the doubt that's telling me it's not like every other time with morning sickness.
"Should we take you to the doctors?" He places a kiss in my hair, worry in his tone.
"I'll be okay, just feel off."
"You'll tell me if anything changes?" He sits his chin on my shoulder, pulling me closer.
"Of course, I promise."
"I love you." His lips whisper against my neck, his scruff tickling me.
"We love you too." I feel his smile in the crook of my neck.
"You look like hell."
I glare over at Ruzek, his hands go flying in the air at the look on my face.
"Yeah, well you try growing a baby and we'll see how you look." He groans as my fist finds his shoulder on the way to my desk.
"Dude." Jay shakes his head over at Ruzek before coming to stand behind my desk.
"Jeez. Hormones." Jay sends another glare at Ruzek, shaking his head.
"You look beautiful." He whispers as he leans down and kisses the top of my head.
"Do I? Tell him that." My reply is mumbled and grumpy as I glare over at him again.
"Argh, I need to go bathroom again. Damn it." I push up from my chair and walk off towards the bathroom.
I'm pacing when the team walks back in later that day, a suspect being dragged into interrogation by Kevin.
"Erin?" My pacing stops to face Jay, fanning my face before moving back to my desk.
"You still not well." It's a statement, not a hint of questioning.
"It's really not that bad." He raises an eyebrow, searching my face before he nods and walks to his desk.
Time passes slowly as Hank questions the suspect before coming out and standing in front of the whiteboard. His hands are in his pockets as he delivers an update with a gruff tone, barking out more orders.
My hands drag tiredly down my face before I cover my mouth, leaning elbows forward on the desk as I try and calm my breathing.
The same turn of my stomach and faint twisting of my nerves has my body tied up in knots, this time I can't hide the anxiousness as I exchange glances with Jay.
"Not again." I whisper under my breath as I stand and make my way to the bathroom, for what seems like the hundredth time today.
I can feel Jay's worried eyes on my as I walk by him.
My hands grip the sink tightly as I stare into the mirror at my pale reflection, tears spring to my eyes when I can't deny the pain any longer.
I slump back against the wall before sliding down, hugging my stomach tightly.
My eyes shut tightly, curling into a fetal position on the floor as tears pour down my face in desperation.
"Jay." It's a worried plea that slips through my lips, however much quieter than I intended as I pant through the pain.
Worry clenches my heart at the searing pains ripping through me, my hands caressing my stomaching protectively.
"Please no." My voice is husky with tears as I try and crawl towards the door.
"Erin? You okay?" There's an abrupt knock and more tears fall at the sound of Jay's voice reaching me through the door.
"I know you'll probably say you're fine, but you've been gone a while. I can't help but worry." I can only whimper through the aching as he pushes the door open.
"Jay, help me." His blue eyes widen fearfully, conflicting emotions flashing through them before he races forward to cradle my face.
"Baby, I'm here."
"I'm scared." My sobs are terrified and loud.
"It's going to be okay. What's wrong? What hurts?" I can tell he knows, but he's hoping he's wrong.
"It really hurts." His hands slip down to my stomach, tears in his own eyes.
"I've got you baby." His tone is reassuring as he pulls his phone out quickly.
"No ambo. Just drive me to med."
"Erin…" I've never seen Jay so unsure before, not even when he left me standing alone in our apartment.
"Please. It'll be faster."
"Okay." Jay hooks his hands under my shoulders, getting ready to help me stand.
"Jay? What if…"
Our eyes are full of terror as the question passes silently through our gaze.
What if it's the baby?
A/N: Sorry?
Try and love me for updating, and not hate me for the cliffhanger. ;)
Apologies for the mistakes but it's 4am here. lol
Review with your thoughts and I'll get the next chapter up. :)