One day America and Australia are talking.

Australia: when I was at the bar yesterday, some bloke broke into my house.

America: dude, that's awful. Did he get anything?

Austalia: Yeah mate, he got a broken nose, a broken arm, a concussion and various cuts and bruises. New Zealand thought it was me coming home from the bar drunk.

England phones work and says "Sorry, can't come in today, I'm sick."

The boss says "How sick are you?"

"Well…" England replies "You be the judge – I'm in bed with my brother's."

Austria and America were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit!" said Austria, "As soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip Hungary's pants off!" "What's the rush?" America asked. "The Damn elastic in the legs is killing me." Austria replied.

England walks into a bar and sees France with a really big lighter. He asks France, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

France replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

So England walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

England walks over to France and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he."

France replies, "No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!"

One day in the forest, France, America and England were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while France returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, America came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as England. After to the 9th grape, he started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

France and America soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

America answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw England walking in with pinaples.