October 28th, 2012

I have nodes.

Everything was going so well, and now I feel like it's all going downhill for me.

Aubrey even let Beca into the Bellas and Beca and I have gone out for coffee a few times; we've hung out a lot these past few weeks, but I just haven't been feeling nearly as confident as I usually do. It probably has to do with the fact that I almost feel like I'm competing with Jesse Swanson for Beca's attention, and that just doesn't make me feel good in the way that I almost feel like Beca could actually be attracted to him (even though I think he's more obnoxious than your drunk uncle at Christmas dinner), and I'm not even sure if she's remotely attracted to me, and it's frustrating me to no ends.

Back to the nodes. No one knows about them yet. I haven't even told Aubrey or Beca, because I'm afraid that they'll think I won't be able to sing, and I think that the two of them feeling sorry for me would probably just make things worse, if that makes any sense. I don't want them thinking I need care or sympathy when Aubrey's already going through so much with her dad and I don't want Beca thinking I'm needy or high-maintenance, because I'm not.

I'm just scared. I take pride in my upper register (it's what got me into the Bellas in the first place) and the doctors told me that if I get the surgery to remove the nodes (they recommended that course of action), I have a good chance of losing it. They then told me that if I don't get rid of the nodes, it's going to always hurt my throat whenever I sing, or maybe even talk. And I know that this all sounds really wishy-washy, but to be frank, singing is everything to me.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic. I don't know. The SBT mixer is coming up in about a week, too, and the Bellas aren't doing great right now. I guess I can't blame them, since none of them seem to really be used to the things Aubrey's making them do (cardio, walking around in ridiculously high heels, vocal exercises), but for Aubrey's sake (so she can finally get the redemption she's been dreaming about since the ICCA's incident (which we still don't talk about)), I hope we can get ourselves together soon.

I keep thinking about Beca, too. It probably sounds pathetic (it even sounds pathetic to me), but I don't know how to get her out of my mind. It's been absolutely infuriating Aubrey because I legitimately will not stop talking about her, but it's not like I can help it or anything. I can just find points in conversation that relate to Beca, and I would hope that Aubrey would be at least a little more understanding about that.

It's just that Beca fascinates me. Being able to read people and perceive their emotions is another talent apart from singing that I guess I can boast about, but I can't get a read on her (and yes, I'm fully aware of how terribly cheesy that sounds, but how else am I supposed to word it?), and I want to learn more about her. She's always directing conversation back to things about me or things not related to her, and I know for a fact that there is so much more to Beca Mitchell than meets the eye. I know it.

I hope I'm enough for her.

I'm sure things will start looking up for me soon. They have to…

Right?

Love always,
Chloe