What to Do About ISIC
Chapter 4
ISIC and Kleese (No, not like that)
ISIC consulted his list. The Magnus chuckled and peered into the holo-vid room. Benedict had reserved it for his and Thorn's date night. The Aviant and Aelfrin were sitting on the couch watching some action romance movie. He watched as Benedict pretended to yawn allowing him to rest his arm around Thorn's shoulders. ISIC's knowledge of fleshy mating habits was limited, but even he knew that move was older than Solus itself. Thorn rolled her eyes, but she leaned closer to Benedict and let her head rest against him.
ISIC decided that now was a good time to act. "Howdy fellas! Whatcha doin'?"
Benedict and Thorn looked up. "ISIC buddy," Benedict narrowed his eyes. "What are you doing?"
The Magnus made his way over to the holovid monitor. The Aviant tried a different tactic. Benedict cleared his throat. "We, um, we kinda reserved this room for tonight. You know…for us?"
ISIC deleted the movie that was currently downloaded and replaced it with another. "Oh, that's okay." ISIC said cheerfully. He moved over to the couch. With a little bit of force, ISIC managed to separate Thorn and Benedict, then he turned around and lowered his body to move them further apart.
"ISIC," Thorn huffed. The Aelfrin was squished to one side of the couch. "You need to leave. Today is date night. We—"
"I know!" ISIC cut in. He pressed play. "That's why I picked this super romantic movie for us to enjoy."
Thorn's brow furrowed in annoyance. "You are not a part of date night." The Eldrid snarled.
"Hey now! No need to get snippy! Let's just watch the movie."
Benedict and Thorn exchanged a look that they thought ISIC wouldn't notice. They started to get their feet, but ISIC slammed his arm and charge cannon down on top of them to hold them in place. "Hahaha! Both of you are going to chill the fuck out and watch this movie! I promise to leave as soon as it's done." ISIC said. "It's not very long. Promise."
Benedict struggled to get out from under the Magnus's hold, but it was no use. He sighed. "Fine. Whatever. As long as you leave us the fuck alone as soon as the movie's done."
"Sounds like a plan! Now everyone be quiet. It's about to start."
Thorn settled back into her seat with scowl on her face. Benedict was already trying to think of ways to make it up to her. ISIC seemed blissfully unaware of the tension he was causing. Or he just didn't care.
He didn't care.
The movie appeared to be a documentary about a fat caterpillar-like creature the size of a beagle. Another creature joined the first on the screen. The second creature was circling the first and—
Thorn let out startled gasp then she gagged. Benedict's eyes widened. "ISIC, what the fuck is this?" The Buteonen Aviant demanded.
"The Mating Habits of the Krynellian Blood Imps." ISIC replied in a jovial tone. "Super romantic! I know how you meatbags are all about this type of thing, right?"
"No!" Benedict and Thorn said in unison.
"Too bad!" ISIC said. "Say! Did you know that the Blood Imp male has a penis that's more than half the length of its body? And that it has a hooked barb that allows it to attach itself to the female. Look, there it is!"
Benedict groaned and turned his head. It may have blocked the sight but it did nothing to drown out the squeals and…other noises. "Turn it off!" he yelled. "Turn it off!"
"And miss the rest? Nope!" ISIC was enjoying this. "Now, not to alarm you but in this scene the male is going to fill the female with his semen. Hey, Thorn? Don't you think it looks like someone overfilling a veiny orange éclair with chunky green cream!"
Thorn retched. "Oh gods," she muttered.
Benedict looked at her in alarm. "Thorn, baby don't throw up! You cannot throw up!" The Aviant gagged. "If you throw up then I will not be able to keep it in."
ISIC kept his optics on the monitor. "Now that the female is filled to the brim with the male's ooey, gooey goodness—" Thorn and Benedict groaned. "She'll carry the goods back to her nest where she'll cover her eggs with them. Ooh, fun fact! A Blood Imp nest is made up of the skin that it has shed mixed with the mucus it excretes."
The Blood Imp female crawled over a nest of what looked like moldy donut holes. She positioned her bottom above it, her opening glistening and quivering…
"ISIC, I will give you all the credits in my fucking account if you just let us leave!" Benedict tried to bargain. He couldn't take much more of this.
"Then," the Magnus continued, ignoring Benedict's outburst. "Once they're covered the female will pull them back into her orifice where they'll marinate until they hatch."
"Why?" Thorn demanded. "Why are you doing this?"
The documentary fades to black then comes back with the Krynellian Blood Imp female visibly swollen like a tick. "Ooh!" ISIC said. "Looks like she's getting ready to give birth!"
"Oh lord no." Benedict started fighting hard. He was not sitting through anymore of this. "Let us go, you giant metal asshole!"
"Benedict, I swear to god if you keep interrupting I'm going to break your other wing!"
"Like to see you try, ISIC!"
ISIC chuckled merrily. "Just try me I fucking dare you." The Magnus returned his attention to the screen. "Now, I don't know if you know this but—Thorn! Stop trying to chew off your arm! As I was saying, Blood Imps practice matriphagy."
Thorn was getting greener by the second. Benedict looked at her. "The hell is matriphagy?" he asked.
Thorn had to swallow twice before she was able to answer. "It means—ˮ
"Ah-ah-ah!" ISIC scolded. "No spoilers!"
Benedict and Thorn watched as the Krynellia Blood Imp rolled over onto her back and started convulsing. "What's happening?" Benedict shouted nearly drowning out Thorn's tearful praying in Aelfrin.
On the screen, the Blood Imp's middle started pulsing until finally it popped open spewing forth hundreds of wiggling pale veiny mini Blood Imps onto the ground.
"And that," ISIC said with no small amount of glee. "Is what I believe folks refer to as the money shot. Look at 'em wriggle! They look positively gelatinous!"
Perhaps it was the close up of the Krynellian Blood Imp young or the word 'gelatinous' , or the fact that the newborns were currently eating what remained of their mother, but whatever the reason, Benedict and Thorn both lost the battle they'd been fighting since ISIC turned on the damnable documentary. ISIC released them from his hold just as the first almost simultaneous stream of projectile vomit spewed from their mouths. Satisfied, ISIC got to his feet and made his way for the door, humming happily even as both Thorn and Benedict fell to their hands and knees as they continued to heave and gag. "Well, this has been super fun!" ISIC said from the doorway. "Enjoy the rest of your date night!"
ISIC sat in his quarters almost beside himself with laughter as he conversed with Kid Ultra in their transcode chatroom.
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: No way!
[n1h1l1stb0t]: Way!
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: But why would she hide something like that?
[n1h1l1stb0t]: Maybe she thought she was protecting you? Think about it, champ. You're unique. That means people would want to steal you.
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: No!
[n1h1l1stb0t]: Yes! Or they could use you as a way to hurt her. So this whole thing was just a way to protect the both of you.
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: JUST LIKE THE SONAR KID IN EPISODE 45 OF THE STARJAMMERS BRIGADE!
[n1h1l1stb0t]: Sure! Anyway, I have to go, but you should TOTALLY go and talk to her about it. Let her know that you know and that you understand.
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: You're right! I'm totally going to go do that! AD ASTRA!
*[xxKiD_UlTrAxx] HAS SIGNED OFF.
[n1h1l1stb0t]: Yep. Abracadabra to you too, buddy.
*[n1h1l1stb0t] HAS SIGNED OFF.
ISIC rattled around in his suit cackling. Kid Ultra was always good for a laugh.
If I hurry I can be there to record it!
In the rec room, Caldarius watched as Phoebe and Beatrix argued about how much honey was appropriate to put in one's tea. The Jennerit doctor was under the assumption that there was no such thing as too much honey. Phoebe vehemently disagreed.
"Beatrix, if your spoon is able to stick to the bottom you that means it's too much."
Beatrix snorted and continued to add even more honey. "I have to combat the tartness of the lemon." She said.
"One lemon!" The Hemsworth heir countered. "You have one teeny, tiny lemon slice in your tea."
"I'm sensitive."
Caldarius sighed. He glanced at Marquis who was sitting next to him, busy calculating something on his datapad. "It's the froyo argument all over again."
"Ja," the Magnus agreed. "Except no one's getting banned this time."
"Hey!" Beatrix snapped. "If they have a 'limitless toppings' sign then they should honor it!"
Phoebe took a bite of her strawberry tart. It was the only one she'd been able to snag before Beatrix commandeered the platter. On the rare occasion that Caldarius and Beatrix joined Marquis and Phoebe for their tea time, the heiress used it to get to know them better—or at the very least their eating habits. Caldarius never ate in from of them. Never. The Kemessian slid finger sandwiches into container and closed it, saving them for later consumption.
Beatrix…well, Phoebe was convinced the Jennerit's blood was mainly syrup at this point.
Kid Ultra lingered by the over-stuffed chairs that Attikus and Rath were reading in, his sight set on the table where Phoebe and the others were sitting. The swordsman and the revolutionary barely spared him a glance. The little Magnus shuffled over to stand in front of Phoebe's table. The conversation stalled as the others took note of his presence. "Um, hi!" Kid Ultra said.
Phoebe arched a brow. She glanced at Marquis who shrugged a shoulder. "Hello?" she said. "May we help you with something?"
Kid Ultra rocked back and forward on his pedes, trying to figure out the best way to go about this.
In the end he decided to go for the direct approach. "I know!" Kid Ultra blurted. He took a deep breath (which he didn't need in the first place) and started delivering his speech. "I know and while I appreciate what you did I think that it's high time that we do something about it. I may look like a little kid, but I'm actually fully capable of understanding the complex nature of doing what you think is right and what you think is wrong." He paused.
Phoebe was even more confused. "I...guess?"
The nannybot nodded before continuing. "It's like that episode of Starjammers Brigade—" Phoebe rolled her eyes. She took another bite of her tart. The heiress hated when the Magnus treated the cartoons in his files as if they were real. "I'm the Sonar Kid in this situation! But you don't have to hide this anymore and I don't need you to protect me! I got this sweet rocket gauntlet and bolo snare! I can protect myself!"
"Kid Ultra," Marquis interrupted. "What in the world are you going on about?"
Kid Ultra looked at Phoebe who was watching him and chewing slowly on the food in her mouth. "I know," he repeated.
The Magnus paused for dramatic effect.
"I know you're my mother."
ISIC had been a safe distance away as he recorded what happened next. At Kid Ultra's declaration, Phoebe had promptly inhaled whatever she had been chewing on and it lodged in her throat.
Ha! Ha! Organics are disgusting.
What happened next was a hilarious string of events that would forever warm the bundle of wires and electrodes that could be called ISIC's heart.
Phoebe Elizabeth Audelia Hemsworth IV started choking. She shoved her chair back and clutched at her throat with one hand and flapping her other hand wildly for assistance. ISIC watched as Marquis and Caladarius started screaming at one another.
"Help her!"
"How the hell am I supposed to do that? I'm wearing fucking armor! You help her!"
"I am literally made of metal!"
Caldarius turned to Beatrix. "You're a doctor…kind of…do something!"
The Jennerit just stared at him. She held up her giant syringe arm. Caldarius winced. "Right."
Kid Ultra started running around in circles, screaming for someone to "help my mom" which only caused Phoebe to become more agitated. Marquis screamed at the smaller Magnus to shut up. The heiress's face was turning an interesting shade of red. In the end, it was Rath who ended up saving Phoebe. He wrapped his arms around Phoebe and tried to dislodge the tart.
"Hey guys," Kelvin walked in, "I was wondering if you've seen—" The ice golem took note of the situation occurring. Kid Ultra was still running around in circles and screaming. Marquis, Beatrix, and Caldarius were yelling critiques to Rath who had Phoebe in his arms from behind, his face drawn tight in concentration as he tried to dislodge the errant food in her throat. "You guys are busy. I'll come back later." Kelvin turned on his heel and exited the room.
Phoebe spat out the chewed remainders of her tart. She coughed and wheezed. Kid Ultra threw up his arms and cheered. "Mom! You're okay!"
It was hard for Phoebe to effectively glare at the small Magnus, but she tried her best. "Not…your…mother!" she wheezed.
ISIC chuckled as he saved a copy of the video to his hard drive. The Magnus slinked away satisfied by the damage done. He'd be re-watching that little gem for months!
Verod Rath placed his swords on their respective hooks. It had been a rather strange day. Actually, if the Jennerit was honest, ever since he'd join the Battleborn his days had become stranger. The swordsman took a seat on his bed. Rath wondered when Attikus was going to get back.
The Jennerit lit the incense on a small altar that he had in the corner. Rath could only light the incense when Attikus wasn't in their quarters because the smoke bothered the Thrall's sensitive nose. Taking a seat in front of the altar, Rath closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate.
Or at least that was the plan.
The Jennerit found it difficult to concentrate once he noticed the sound of music piping into his room. "What is that?" Rath muttered and tilted his head to the side.
As if hearing his inquiry, the music increased in volume until it was almost deafening. It was a young man crooning pop music in a falsetto voice.
Rath clamped his hands over his ears. "What is this?" he demanded to no one in particular. "Hello?" he screamed to be heard over the music. "Can someone please shut that off? NOVA?! Can you hear me?" He went for his door, only to find that it wouldn't open. "What?! NOVA! My door's locked!" Rath started banging on the door. "Hello! Please! Anyone!"
The song ended and much to Rath's horror it started playing over again. He started beating on the door harder. "Please someone let me out! Or at least turn the damn song off!" Rath tried his comms. "Attikus! Come in! I'm stuck in our room! There's this godawful song playing and I—Attikus? Are you there?" His blasted comm wasn't working! Rath stared around his quarters in a panic. Maybe he could find the source of the music and turn it off himself.
The Jennerit started tearing his room apart. "I'll find it." He muttered. "I have to find it! Have to make it stop!"
Fifteen encores later, the room lay in tatters and the once proud Jennerit swordsman sat in the corner, rocking back and forth weeping openly. "Make it stop!" he whimpered. "Make it stop!"
The song restarted and Verod Rath began to howl.
"This seems almost cruel," NOVA commented. ISIC had set up a private monitor in his quarters and he and NOVA were watching as Rath tore apart his room.
"But hilarious!" ISIC said. "Thanks for helping by the way."
If she had shoulders, NOVA would have shrugged. "I literally have nothing better to do." She said.
ISIC made a sympathetic noise. "Still no robot suit?"
"Still no robot suit." NOVA confirmed. She watched as Rath went fetal. "Why are you doing this?"
"It's a social experiment." ISIC lied. "You know us LLC guys. We love science! Even social science!"
"ISIC, we're both Magnuses. You don't have to lie to me."
That was true, but he was still going to. "Just remember not to let anyone in the room to help him, keep his comms from functioning, and keep the music on loop. Also, could you record his response? I really need it."
"I record everything that happens on the ship."
ISIC got to his pedes and headed for the door. "Ha! Ha! Well, that's not creepy. Thanks, NOVA!"
El Dragón toweled off his brow. He was walking back from a satisfactory training session in NOVA's dojo. The wrestler/bodyguard paused when he came to a small table in his path. The table was otherwise empty save for a plate with a delicious looking sandwich on it. El Dragón's stomach rumbled. He had been so excited to try out a new move on the minion bots that he had skipped lunch. "For someone to leave such a tasty treat unsupervised is unthinkable!" El Dragón boomed. He made a sweeping gesture with his muscular robot arms. "If no one is here to claim it, then is it so wrong for El Dragón to enjoy it? El Dragón hungers for glory—and also this sandwich!" He pressed a clenched fist to his forehead, closed his eyes and bowed his head. "But," he said dramatically. "If I were to eat this sandwich would that not make me the same as Jen from the mailroom? Would this be my new destiny as not El Dragón: the greatest wrestler in Solus, but as El Dragón: lunch stealer?! No! This is not my fate! This is not the fate of El Dragó—ooh, is that pickle spear?"
El Dragon picked up the sandwich and started chowing down. The wrestler wiped the crumbs from his mouth and licked his fingers. "Ahh! That's much better! The chipotle mayo was a nice touch." He belched mightily before toppling forward onto his face.
ISIC walked out from the shadowed corner. He can't believe how long it took that jerk to eat the sandwich. That's the problem with professional wrestlers. They're always performing in case there's an audience somewhere. Although, the Magnus was happy that the wrestler had liked the chipotle mayo that ISIC had taken such loving care to drug.
ISIC ran his optics over El Dragón's fallen form. The wrestler snored, his face pressed against NOVA's cold metal floor. "What to do? What to do?" ISIC muttered. He could take El Dragón's arms but that felt cheap and also a repeat of his previous work. What was another fun way to humiliate the proud El Dragón?
ISIC chuckled, bobbing in his exosuit with excitement as a particularly delicious and malicious idea came to his processor.
ISIC grinned. "Hey, Orendi! How's it going?"
The vanimorph was doing a headstand. She narrowed her eyes at the Magnus. "Not supposed to talk to you!" she snapped. Orendi bared her teeth and hissed.
ISIC pretended to look disappointed. "Aw shucks, that's too bad." He said. "And here I wanted to go and give you this." ISIC held up a black drink can.
Orendi flipped onto her feet. She dropped to all sixes and scuttled closer. "What's that?"
"It's an energy drink. They call it The Liquidfier! It's been banned on three planets so you know it must be good! Want it?"
"Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" Orendi tore the energy drink from ISIC's hand, popped the top and downed it. "Burns so good!"
"I know, right?" ISIC looked pleased. "Oh, by the way. You should have this too." He handed Orendi a crowbar.
Orendi took the crowbar and started waving it around. "My organs are vibrating!" She screamed and whacked the floor.
ISIC grinned and took a step back out of the swing radius. "Have fun, kiddo!"
Feeling especially satisfied after this ISIC walked the halls. He had no destination in mind, but wasn't there a saying about a journey being more important? Organics were always thinking up sayings when they should be thinking about how to make the most of their laughably short lives.
ISIC spotted Alani sitting cross-legged on the floor in the hallway. The Eldrid Water monk was nose deep in whatever she was reading on her datapad. ISIC considered her. She wasn't the most annoying Battleborn and like Oscar Mike, ISIC could muster up something that resembled fondness for her. Unfortunately, her sunny disposition and constant optimism rubbed the nihilistic Magnus the wrong way. "Hey, Alani!" he waved.
Alani returned his greeting and wave, but to her credit she looked properly cautious. ISIC had to keep from chuckling. "C-can I help you with something, ISIC?"
ISIC shook his head. "Nope! I was just walking by and seeing you made me think of something really funny!"
Alani brightened (of course, she did). "I love funny stuff!" she said. "Will you tell it to me?"
ISIC smiled and for anyone else that would have been the signal to run. Alani just climbed gracefully to her feet and waited. For a split second, the Magnus was struck by the idea that maybe - just maybe - what he was about to do was too mean.
He shut that feeling down and deleted it like a faulty program.
"Well," ISIC drawled. "I was thinking how funny it was that you haven't even considered how much of a sham your relationship with Pendles is."
Oh! Oh, the look on her face. "W-what? Why would you—"
"Oh come on! Please tell me it hasn't crossed your mind." ISIC sighed. "Look, think about it. You two are only together because Pendles depends on you. He needs you. He's using you. Those nanites that you hilariously pretend are water magic are the only things keeping him from losing his legs and arm. Heck, you could also say that the reason you're together is because you both came from the same background and your familiar ties provide one another with comfort now that your planet is essentially dead—"
"ISIC, please stop."
"Nope! Not finished." The Magnus was on a roll. "What do you think is going to happen when your treatments stop working; and they will. Pendles will have to leave the Rogues because he won't be of any use without his limbs. And you, out of some misguided sense of—I dunno loyalty or some other bullshit—will follow him. You'll follow him because deep down you'll believe that you failed him and secretly he'll agree with you. Ultimately, you'll come to resent Pendles for putting so much pressure on you and for having to take care of him. He'll resent you for the loss of his old life and the failure of his career. You'll both end your days bitter and unsatisfied, thinking about your wasted potential." ISIC ended with a prolonged laugh. "So yeah. Pretty funny, right?" he didn't wait for her answer. ISIC had places to be.
He left Alani standing there in silence.
The day had begun so well for Trevor Ghalt. He had woken up with Reyna next to him snoring lightly. Breakfast had been a delicious meal of scrambled eggs, bacon, and this to-die-for croissant that was warm and flaky and filled with marmalade. He had gotten in a good training session to keep him limber.
Now, Ghalt found himself in his office with a literal angry mob storming in and dragging a screaming Gunnar Kleese in tow. "One at a time, people!" he ordered. "Now will someone please tell me what the problem is?"
"You need to do something about ISIC!" Phoebe screamed. The heiress was red in the face. "That Magnus is out of control!"
Ghalt looked at Reyna. The Valkyrie took a sip from her beer and shrugged. She was just as in the dark as he was. They probably shouldn't have been in their room for the majority of the day but it had been so peaceful that they figured that a little time alone was in order and—
"Captain Ghalt!"
The UPR Captain's head whipped around. "What? I'm listening." He cleared his throat. "Um, but what were you saying?"
"He's being a menace!" Phoebe repeated. "Terrorizing us for who knows what reason! He told Kid Ultra that I was his mother!" Phoebe glared at a snickering Reyna. "It's not funny!"
"He ruined our date night!" Benedict screeched. Thorn folded her arms and scowled. She nodded in agreement. "The fucker showed up unannounced and made us watch this disgusting video about fucking Blood Imps."
El Dragón pushed his way forward. He was wearing a pillowcase with two holes for eyes cut in the fabric. "That blasted Magnus dosed a sandwich which I—in retrospect, quite foolishly—ate, rendering me unconscious then he stole my masks! All of them!" El Dragón let out a sob. "A bare face! A luchador's ultimate shame!"
Attikus stepped forward. He had his arm around Rath's blanket wrapped shoulders. The Jennerit looked visibly twitchy and his hands were wrapped in bandages. "What the hell happened to him?" Ghalt asked.
NOVA cleared her non-existent throat. "I may have helped ISIC with that one."
"NOVA, what did you do?"
"I may have sort of hypothetically trapped him in his quarters while ISIC piped in Ziggy Hotbody's smash hit "Don't You Know" on repeat, and disabled his comm so he couldn't contact anyone?"
Ghalt's jaw dropped. "Why?" he demanded.
"ISIC said it was a social experiment!"
"And you believed him?"
"Well, no, but I get so bored! I have nothing to do when all of you are on away missions and I'm left alone with my thoughts which are just horrible and—and—"
Reyna interrupted her. She pointed at Rath. "What happened to his hands?"
"Oh. That." NOVA coughed. "So, around hour two Rath may have decided to try to claw through the walls."
"Holy shit, NOVA!" Reyna ran over from Ghalt's desk to Rath to study the damage.
"Hey! You don't need to sound like that. I feel bad enough. Anyway, after that I called Attikus."
"Kleese, I think you need to have a look at NOVA's subroutines." Ghalt said.
"My subroutines are fine!" NOVA protested. "I just need something to do! Maybe if you got me the robot suit I've been promised since forever—Kleese—I wouldn't need to find ways to entertain myself."
"Oh, don't try to pull me into this!" Kleese snarled. He wrenched his hands from out of Mellka and Whiskey Foxtrot's hold. "Let go of me! Release my chair, you buffoons!" He yelled at Kelvin and Deande. Once free the old man hovered over to Ghalt. "I demand that you toss the lot of them into the brig! They shouldn't be allowed to manhandle me like that!"
Ghalt sighed. "The brig's not that big, Kleese." He looked at the others. "Why did you bring Kleese here?"
"Because ISIC seems to be going down a list." Mellka put a hand on her hip.
"And you're afraid for Oscar Mike, is that it?" Ghalt asked.
"Hardly," Deande flipped her hair. "For reasons that continue to elude me, Oscar Mike considers ISIC his friend and the Magnus, in his own twisted way, returns the sentiment. Oscar is safe."
"Yeah," Whiskey Foxtrot agreed. "We're fair game though."
"I really don't want to see what ISIC has in store for me either." Montana said.
Shayne came running in, looking visibly distressed. She had her hood pulled up and pulled tight. "Reyna!" she said upon seeing the commander. "I need your help! ISIC—he—it's an emergency!"
"Whoa! Slow down, girl!" Reyna pulled her to the side. "What's the matter!"
"ISIC knocked us out! He gassed us!" Shayne screamed. "And when I came to—" her eyes darted around the room. "I can't show you here. Can we go somewhere else?"
"Guys," Ghalt interjected. "Maybe we should take this somewhere else. It's getting kind of crowded." Reyna looked over her shoulder at Ghalt. "You can use the bathroom. I'll finish up here." The Rogue commander escorted Shayne to their bathroom so she could assess the damage. The UPR captain looked over the crowd. "Okay, so I guess I know why y'all are pissed, but that still doesn't explain why you brought Kleese."
"We want him to fix ISIC." El Dragón explained.
Kleese's eyes practically bugged out of their sockets. "Excuse me?" he squawked. "How am I supposed to do that?"
"Well," Mellka said. "We just kinda thought that since you were a weeping dickhole to ISIC when you were manager of Minion Robotics you're kinda responsible for him."
"How did you come to that ludicrous conclusion?!"
"Well," Phoebe said with a haughty sniff. "When the Great Severance happened I know that Marquis didn't decide to end the universe with math or hold me hostage or go on a crime spree that ended with my career ruined."
"I did kill a few interns, meine Blume." Marquis pointed out.
Phoebe placed a hand on his arm. "Shh, my love. Trying to make a point."
Kleese gaped at her. "You are actually trying to claim that I made ISIC this way? How dare you, woman!"
"We all make mistakes, Mr. Kleese." Phoebe said. "Your mistake just happens to have a thing for murder and shooting people's kneecaps."
"And ruining their lives!" El Dragón yelled.
"Yes, thank you Francesco. Also that."
The former LLC engineer turned to look at Ghalt. "Captain," he wheedled. "Try to see reason! This—this is ludicrous!"
"I dunno. I think they might have a point."
"They most certainly do not!"
Pendles burst into the room. The Roa looked fit to kill. "Where is he?" Pendles demanded. "Where's ISIC?"
"Easy, soldier." Ghalt held up his hands. "What seems to be—"
"You know what he did? You know what he said to Alani?" Pendles spat. "Walked in on her in bleedin' tears because that fucking robot told her that the only reason I'm with her is because I'm using her for water treatments." Some of the Battleborn standing closest to him edged away to give him as much space as possible. "He told her that our relationship was doomed to fail!"
"Well," Kleese coughed. "Technically, that's true. I mean everyone knows that relationships that begin with one person caring for the other tends to fizzle when the person can no longer be helped or no longer needs help. You'd be doing yourself—and frankly, me—a favor if you broke up."
Pendles blinked at him. He grabbed a half empty beer bottle, smashed the lower half against the wall and started charging for Kleese who squealed and pushed his way through the crowd where he tried to hide himself and his massive chair behind Ghalt. "I'll fuckin' cut you!"
Montana scooped Pendles up into his arm and held him in place against his massive hairy chest. Attikus grabbed the Roan's flailing tentacle arm holding the broken bottle with his gauntlet. "Let me go!" Pendles snarled. "You don't say shit like that to me, old man!"
"What the fuck is happening in here?" Reyna demanded. She came out of the bathroom with her arm around the shoulders of a calmer Shayne. "I leave you alone for five minutes!"
"Your blasted Rogue is trying to kill me!" Kleese whimpered. "Do something!"
Reyna stared at him. She looked at Ghalt. "Is this ISIC related?"
Ghalt sighed. He found himself doing that more lately. "Isn't everything today?" he replied.
"Fair point," Reyna turned to Shayne. "I'll meet you in your quarters. Don't worry. It's fixable, girl." Shayne nodded and pulled her drawstrings tighter as she moved through crowd to get to the door. "Pendles, calm down."
"No!"
"What the fuck did I just say?"
Pendles gritted his teeth, but he stopped fighting against Montana's hold. Reyna nodded. "Now drop it." The would-be weapon dropped to the floor. "Very good. Montana put him down."
"Fuck this!" Pendles hissed the second his feet touched the floor. "I can't stay on this ship with that fuckin'—gah! I'm taking Alani and we're going on a trip, but ISIC better be dealt with when we get back because I swear on my sainted mother that if he isn't, I will kill everyone on this ship who isn't a Rogue!" Pendles' tongue flicked out. "Starting with you, Kleese you wrinkled old prune! And that's a Pendles goddamned Promise!" Pendles shoved his way for the door.
They all looked at one another for a second. "Well, that happened." Reyna sighed.
Kleese scowled. "This is what happens when you allow riff raff on the ship, Ghalt."
Reyna growled at him. "Shut the hell up, Kleese before I call Pendles back in here so he can finish the job." That shut him up. "Now then, what did—"
Kid Ultra burst in. He ran up to Phoebe and started pulling at her arm. "Mom! Mom!"
Phoebe tried to yank her hand away. "I am not you mother!" she snarled.
Kid Ultra paused. Then he smiled. "Riiiight," he drawled. "You can't see under my visor, but I'm totally winking right now. All jokes aside, Mom—" Phoebe suppressed a scream. "—I just saw Orendi and my scans show that her heartbeats are going through the roof! She's out there running around and screaming and actually climbing the walls!"
The blood drained from Reyna's face. "Oh no!" she said in horror.
"Not again," Whiskey Foxtrot groaned.
"Explain," Ghalt said.
"She's hyper." Reyna moaned. "She got like this the first and last time we let her have coffee. ISIC! It has to be ISIC. What did he give her?"
"I scanned her stomach contents." Kid Ultra said proudly.
"Oh, so it's fine when he does it." Beatrix muttered. "But when I do it—"
"Not now, Dr. Lucavi." Ghalt cut her off. "What did you find?"
"A set of keys, bone matter, chunks of raw meat, and a liquid composed of chemicals that coincide with an energy drink known as The Liquidfier."
"Oh my god!" Reyna clamped a hand over her mouth. "He gave Orendi that!"
"And a crowbar!" The group turned to see Orendi standing in the doorway. The vanimorph was practically vibrating with energy. She waved her crowbar. "Hi! Mr. Smash-Smash wants to say hello to your stuff! And your faces! And your bowels!"
Thinking fast Attikus shoved the vanimorph back out of the door and locked it. An irate Orendi started banging against it. "I know what you're doing in there!" she yelled. "You're having a pizza party without me!"
"Orendi, it's okay." Ghalt yelled back. "You don't want to come in. We, uh, we ran out cheesy bread."
There was silence on the other side. Finally, Orendi said, "No cheesy bread? Your pizza party sucks and you should feel ashamed!" They could hear her laughter and the sound of the crowbar hitting the walls and floor receding as she ran off.
Everyone still in the office breathed a sigh of relief. "Has anyone tried to, I dunno, talk to ISIC?" Montana asked.
"Oh right," Kleese scoffed. "Like that'll work."
"ISIC said that he's willing to talk." NOVA announced.
"Oh." Kleese deflated. "Well, if you fools want to take the diplomatic route then be my guest." The old man laughed. "I have to say I can't imagine who you'll get who's dumb enough to be in the same room as that murderous Magnus—"
NOVA cut him off. "He says he'll only talk to Kleese."
Kleese let out a sound that was remarkably similar to air escaping a balloon. The other Battleborn stared him down. "You heard her." Reyna said and folded her arms over her chest. "He wants to talk to you."
"But! But! But! But!"
"He'll only talk to you." Deande said. "You have to do it."
Kleese looked beseechingly at Ghalt like a drowning man looking for a safe harbor. "Captain?" he said weakly.
Ghalt shook his head. "My hands are tied."
"Monsters! The entire lot of you!" Kleese fired up his blasters. "I won't let you take me!"
"Oh, for fuck's sake." Mellka rolled her eyes heavenward. "Grab him!"
ISIC turned to watch as Kleese was escorted into his quarters. The elderly Battleborn had his arms restrained with Kid Ultra's bola snares. Ghalt gave Kleese a small shove to get him through the door. He yanked off the bola snares and handed them back to a waiting Kid Ultra. "He's all yours." The Captain said before he left.
The doors closed and to Kleese it was with the eerie finality of a tomb being sealed. The former LLC engineer pressed his forehead against the metal and suppressed the urge to cry. He could hear ISIC stomping toward him. "Hiya, Kleese!" ISIC said cheerfully. "How are you?"
"I've been better." Kleese admitted still not turning around.
"Well, shucks. You don't look pleased to be here."
"That's because I'm not!" Kleese said whirling around as fast as brittle bones would let him. "I'm here because of your antics! What the hell is going on, ISIC? You've never acted like this before!"
He half expected ISIC to grab his head in his massive metal hand and squash it like overripe fruit, but instead the Magnus sighed and turned to look at a wall. Kleese had never been inside ISIC's quarters before so this was his first look. The room was pretty bare, with scatter minion parts here and there, little to no furniture, and a charging station in the corner. Some of the walls were covered in what looked like mathematical equations and snippets of binary code. "Uh, ISIC?"
"Kleese, what do you do when the thing that you love doing no longer brings you joy?"
"Is this a hypothetical question or…"
"I love killing. Absolutely bonkers over it, but I can't find any satisfaction in it anymore." ISIC sounded despondent. "I mean, I'm out there all the time killing Varelsi and it's just not the same." ISIC sighed. "I was really banking on The Algorithm working and destroying the universe and when you guys ruined my plans I was counting on us failing to save Solus. But we won and now I'm stuck wondering if this is my existence now. Killing for survival. Oh god. It's like a job now, Kleese! Killing the Varelsi and threats to Solus is literally my job now. It used to be fun and now it's just work." ISIC lowered himself to floor. "Just work."
Kleese didn't know what to make of this. "Um. Well, yes but that still doesn't explain how you've been acting recently."
"Oh that." ISIC was still facing the wall and it was unnerving Kleese. "My realization that killing things no longer brought me the satisfaction that it once did understandably upset me so I tried to find a distraction. Something to bring meaning to my otherwise mundane existence."
"Oh. My. God." Kleese said with growing realization. It was all clearer now. It was all horribly clearer now. "You're bored! You've been torturing people because you're bored!"
ISIC got to his feet so he could turn around to look at Kleese. "Well, duh." ISIC said. "I just said that. What should I do, Kleese?"
"How the hell should I know?" Kleese bleated. He cleared his throat. "Maybe you should think about getting a hobby, eh? Something that you can focus your processor on when you're not, er, working?" Kleese lowered himself to the floor because he didn't see a lot of chair options in the Magnus's room. The old man didn't know if he was going to be able to get back up, but he'd been standing for too long. "Is there anything that you enjoy doing?"
ISIC pondered that. That was a puzzler. He liked killing people, but that was out. So what did he like doing now?
Oh yeah!
"I like helping out in the kitchen." ISIC said. "It's actually a lot of fun. Say! Maybe I can have more time in the kitchen! Cooking could be my hobby! Whiskey Foxtrot can teach me!"
There was no way that Ghalt or any of the others would agree to that. "Um," Kleese floundered. "Well, ISIC we can certainly bring it up."
"Cool! Thanks, Kleese!" ISIC sounded like his old cheery self.
"So, no more…pranks?"
"No more pranks." ISIC agreed. "Unless I'm not allowed to cook in which case I'll start up again and double my efforts! Hahahahahahaha!"
Kleese laughed nervously. "Uh. Y-yes. Well, that's lovely." Something was still bothering him. "ISIC, why did you ask to only speak with me? Why not speak to Ghalt directly?"
"Oh, that's easy. Thinking back to my time at Minion Robotics before and after the Great Severance I came to realize that I consider you to be like a father to me."
"You've tried to murder me dozens of times."
"Sure! But who hasn't thought about committing patricide from time to time?"
"No!" Kleese shook his head. "You weren't just thinking it. You actively attempted to kill me!"
ISIC waved a hand. "Semantics," he said. "Anyhoo, you should be on your way. Let's get off the floor." He grabbed Kleese by the collar of his vest and hoisted him to his feet. "Off you go. It was really nice talking with you. We should do this again."
There was no way in hell Kleese was ever doing this again, but he smiled anyway and nodded.
"Absolutely not." Ghalt said when Kleese reported what he learned.
Whiskey Foxtrot was less polite. "Fuck that shit!" The clone roared. "That Magnus is getting nowhere near our food!"
Kleese threw up his arms in frustration. "Well, I don't know what to tell you. Those were his demands. Let him help more in the kitchen or he doubles down on the pranks."
"You mean torture." Ghalt said.
Kleese shrugged. "Tomato tomahto."
The other Battleborn contemplated this in silence. "The sandwich he made was delicious," El Dragón admitted begrudgingly. "Before I realized it was drugged."
Ghalt ran a hand over his face. "You think you can teach him?" he asked Whiskey Foxtrot.
"I mean, yeah. The trouble is making it entertaining for him. If he gets bored with cooking then we're still up shit's creek."
"I believe in you!" Deande said and gave him a peck on the cheek. Mellka nodded and wrapped him up a hug, the full extent of her PDA.
Whiskey Foxtrot sighed. "Fine." He said. "But he has to give El Dragón back his masks. The pillowcase is really weirding me out, man. No offense."
"None taken, my friend." The wrestler replied.
"Great." Kleese said. "I guess it's up to me to go tell ISIC the good news?" He grimaced at their silence. "Fine, whatever! I just want you all to know that I hate you all!"
"So, ISIC's going to be helping in the kitchen now?" Reyna said. She and Ghalt were in bed, unwinding with a beer and a glass of wine respectively.
It had been a long, very trying day but order had been restored.
"Yep," Ghalt said. "Whiskey says he's not that bad. ISIC apparently likes to fry things. Says the thought of flesh cooking in boiling oil amuses him."
"Whatever," Reyna said with a shrug. Those sweet corn fritters and the spicy honey aioli dipping sauce had been fucking amazing. "At least that's done."
"I hear ya." Ghalt took off his reading glasses and shut off his datapad. "I've been meaning to ask. What did he do to Shayne?"
"Ugh, he dyed her hair."
"Seriously?"
"Yep. It was blonde. Like, Phoebe-blonde. Girl was a wreck until I fixed it. Had to talk her out of siccing Aurox on him."
Ghalt sighed. "Never a dull moment."
Reyna clicked off the lights. "Tell me about it."