I awoke to harsh light nearly blinding me. That's it, I thought. I'm dead. But if I was really was dead, then what the hell was that annoying beeping? My eyes finally focused and I was surrounded by bright white walls. I sat straight up and nearly screamed at the intense pain that suddenly rushed to my head. It was as if someone took a sledge hammer to my skull.

"Easy, Emma," a males voice said, sounding faraway and familiar all at the same time.

I blinked hard.

"Kevin?" I whispered; my voice dry and cracking.

"I'm right here. Just relax and lie back down."

He put his hand on my shoulder and gently pushing me back against the pillows. He looked disheveled and worried, with bloodshot eyes. I had never seen him look like that, especially when it came to me. My mom came next to him, eyes pink and puffy from tears that had already been shed.

"You're in the hospital, baby," Mom said. "The rest of the family is in the waiting room. How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts," I croaked. "But that's it."

"You're lucky you aren't dead, Emma!" Kevin said harshly. "What were you thinking?"

I looked at the bed in shame. My wrists were wrapped in gauze and there was an IV in my arm.

"Can I go home?" I whispered, on the verge of tears.

My mom sat on the bed and stroked my hair.

"Kevin was able to pull some strings to get you released today. The doctor will come in and check on you before we go." She said and paused. "You're 18 years old, Emma. We can't make you go to a facility but..."

"I'm not crazy!" I announced loudly, cutting her off. "Please don't send me to a nuthouse! I'm sorry! I promise I'll stop…please, Mom, let me go home!" Tears burst from my eyes.

Her mouth dropped open; almost as if she was crying without making any sound.

"Emma, listen to me," Kevin said, sitting on the bed. "Look at me."

I didn't want to see the pain in his eyes, knowing that I caused my entire family to be so worried. I couldn't meet his expectant gaze so he put his hand under my chin and gently forced me to look up.

"We know you aren't crazy but you do need help; serious help. I know some people who…"

"Kevin, no!" I sobbed, throwing myself into his arms with enough force to push him backwards. "Please, don't!"

I was surprised when I felt his arms lock around me.

"This isn't helping anyone." My mother whispered, trying to regain control over her voice. "We're going to take you home and discuss this as a family. But right now, we need to stay calm."

Kevin pulled away and stood. I felt like I had been run over by a tractor trailer at least 100 times. My insides filled with guilt that spread like a cancerous tumor. At this moment, I was actually wishing that I had bled to death. Maybe I did belong in a mental institution after all.

"I'm sorry, Mom." I murmured. "Are you guys mad at me?"

"You should have told us, Emma," was all my mom said; her voice as strong as steel.

Kevin clenched and unclenched his jaw in suppressed fury.

"You could be dead right now. Don't you get it?" He hissed. "Thank God Rebecca got to you."

"I know," I whispered.

"I'm gonna go tell the others that she's awake and will be leaving soon. We'll all meet at your house," he said to Mom.

Without even looking at me, he left.

"Does everyone hate me?" I asked.

"No one hates you! We are all worried sick, Emma! I'm sorry but no one is going to be speaking too terribly nice. Not after what we've been through. What were you thinking? Do you have any idea what you did to me tonight? I was petrified I was going to lose you."

If there was a way to crawl into the deepest hole in the Earth, I would have done it at that moment. How could I face my whole family, especially Tommy? I was sure he would have plenty of nasty things to say and with good reason, too. My mother turned away from me as the doctor came in to check on me. She was an older woman, maybe Sarah's age, with light brown hair and bright blue eyes. She looked at me and smiled.

"Glad to see you're up," she said brightly. "I've got to say, you've got quite the fan club out there."

"Yeah, and all of them are ready to rip me to shreds right about now," I muttered sarcastically.

"You lost a lot of blood. You're lucky your family was able to get to you when they did, otherwise we would be sending your body to the morgue, instead of back home."

My eyes filled with tears at the hard truth of what the doctor said. I had been playing with fire for so long, it was miraculous I didn't get burned until now.

"Emma, I see plenty of girls come into this hospital with the same issue as yours. However, I have never seen any of them have an entire family, pacing around worrying about them in the waiting room, arguing with the staff. You are a very lucky young lady and they love you very much. I don't want to see you in this hospital. You're all set to be released. Let this be the last time."

I nodded hard, throat closing. "It will be."

My mom put her hand on my shoulder and handed me my old sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"Come on, baby. Let's go home."

The car ride home was stiff, awkward and silent. I was in the car with Mom and Justin, who wasn't even trying to talk to me. A part of me what to yell at him and ask how come he had the right to make bad mistakes and not me. An even smaller part of me wanted to say it was his fault even though I knew it wasn't. No one seemed to know what to say to me so I had no idea how this whole confrontation was going to go. Oh, it would be absolutely awful for sure…it's just the degree of awfulness that was a bit of a mystery. When we finally got there, it was midmorning and the dew glistened on the grass as the sun shown bright pink above us. Such a beautiful scene for my public family execution, don't you think? I followed Mom and Justin up the cobblestone stairs leading to the house and entered. I could hear murmurs of chatter from the living room and I knew that that the whole family was in there, waiting. My mom was the first to go in.

Sure enough, Kitty, Sarah, Kevin, Rebecca and Tommy were all there. I took one look at them and flipped around to bolt. Justin grabbed my arm in a steel hold.

"Oh, no you don't," he said as he flipped me around. "You're gonna face this, just like I had to. We're here to help you. Now come on."

He dragged me into the living room and I felt the heat of their eyes on me. If looks could cause harm, I would be set on fire.

"Emma, go sit in between your brothers please." My mom said matter-of-factly.

"Why, so they can hold me down and force me to talk?" I blurted. "I would really rather not do this now."

"Cut the attitude! You're in no position to argue after what you put us through. Don't make me come get you." Tommy threatened, rising to his feet.

Justin stood behind me and I knew I was trapped. I sighed and sat down between Tommy and Kevin. I was glad Tommy never opted to be a suicide hotline operator; with his wonderful sensitivity skills, the person would just jump out of a window voluntarily.

"Emma, we know this is hard for you. It's hard for all of us. But we are your family and we love you. No one wants you to be in pain. You need to tell us what's wrong so we can help you." My mom began.

I didn't look at them. Instead, I counted the number of red threads sticking out of the carpet under my feet.

"When did it start?" Mom asked. "The cutting?"

I looked at Justin, leaning against the wall waiting for my answer. The look on his face told me he was petrified I was going to say that it was because of him. His Adam's apple was bobbing. I looked at Rebecca, whose brown, doe eyes were filled with fear and sadness.

"Emma," Kevin prodded softly. "Tell us."

"I can't." I said, so low I almost couldn't hear myself.

"Sweetheart, you can tell us anything. No one here is angry with you." Sarah piped in.

Tommy scoffed and shifted next to me. Sarah shot him a look.

"The night Justin went crazy," I whispered. "After I talked to Tommy, I went to the bathroom and did it for the first time. It felt good. It felt so good and I didn't think it would. I didn't…I wasn't …thinking about it when I did it. It just happened."

"Cutting yourself doesn't just happen, Emma!" Tommy exclaimed.

"I know! I just…I don't know. ANYTHING felt better after what Justin said. And I know you're sorry, Justin. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't an addiction at first but then everything just kept piling and piling and nothing made me feel better except when I was in the bathroom. Those three seconds where the blade it my skin was the only thing I looked forward to." I fought to keep the stubborn tears out of my voice.

"Did you cut when you were at Cheyenne's?" Kitty asked.

"Better yet, is that where you really were?" Mom asked.

"Yes, I was there and yes I did. But she doesn't know."

"This is crazy!" Tommy blurted. "Have you any idea what you did? What you could have done? You could have killed yourself!"

"So I've been told!"

"Well, clearly it didn't sink into that thick head of yours. What could be so bad that you think cutting your own veins is the only way to deal with it? When you have so many people willing to help you whenever you need it?" Tommy accused.

"And tell who?" I cried, looking at him. "You? Tommy, you were so busy trying to run Holly out of the company and cheat on your wife to see what was happening with me. Why would I tell you anything when all you do is make snide comments and judge!? I mean really? Why would I tell any of you? You guys are all so "together" all the time even when things fall apart."

"Sweetheart," Justin began, shocking me with his favorite pet name for me. "You know full well I am the farthest thing from "together", whatever the hell that means. None of us are perfect and this family has made a lot of mistakes in the past few years. But nothing could be so bad that you couldn't ask for help. There's nothing wrong with that. What I don't understand is how we all missed the signs for so long."

"Don't feel bad, Justin," I said. "It hasn't really been that long anyway."

"It's been long enough." Mom said. "I noticed the changes in you; how you went from a happy-go-lucky young girl into this solemn, quiet wallflower. I should have sat you down and talked to you. I'm your mother."

"We all should have." Kevin said. "But now we know. So what do we do?"

"I'm not going to a mental institution!" I blurted, shocking everyone.

"Who said anything about a mental institution?" Sarah asked.

"Kevin said he knew people and that I needed help!" I exclaimed.

"What I meant was that I knew some therapists that could help you. Hell, maybe all of us need it."

"I don't want to be sent away! Please, I'll do anything. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I put my hands over my face and just sobbed, in front of everyone. My mother came and sat next to me, putting her arms around me. I cried into her like I used to when I was a little girl.

"No one is going to send you away, darling. We're going to get through this just like we always do. We are going to get you into therapy and we're going to all be watching you; you're never going to feel that alone again." She pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. "I love you, Emma. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me to be."

She rocked me back and forth and I almost forgot that my siblings were still there watching this. When she finally pulled away from me, Sarah came and gave me a hug next, followed by Justin, Kevin and Kitty. Tommy didn't move from where he was sitting the entire time; barely even looked at me except when he was yelling at me.

"We are going to get through this, honey." Mom said.

"We're all here for you." Rebecca said.

"Thanks for finding me," I whispered. "I'm always going to think of you as a sister."

With that, she gave me a hug. My mom suggested that everyone leave so I could get some rest. Justin, of course, said he would stay. It was nice to know that no matter what, I would always have one brother on my side. That's when I realized I might have lost Tommy forever.

"Tommy?" I began, hoping for some sort of reaction from him.

He stood, his height towering over me. He looked at Mom first, ignoring my very presence.

"I'm going to go, Mom. Call me if you need anything."

"Tommy!" I exclaimed, louder. "I'm sorry!"

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Emma; not when it's something like this. Get some rest."

Then he just walked out without a second glance. How long would it take for me to get my families trust back?