The darkness comes at the strangest times.
It can happen anywhere: The bus in the morning, the choir room, Calculus, the gym. It can happen any time: day or night, although nights seem to be worse. School day, vacation or weekend.
A memory creeps up on him. It doesn't have to be a memory of Kurt, although those are some of the hardest because they're good and bad. It can be any time he's fucked up.
A bad grade.
A time he disappointed his father.
His mother's cold indifference.
Cooper's perfection and fame.
The Sadie Hawkin's dance.
Cruel words spoken to him.
Cruel words spoken to Kurt. Words that echo in his head.
A child's voice, well not really a child's voice, but not his voice either, whispers, "Failure. Failure. Failure."
His stomach drops. His heart speeds up.
"Cheater. Cheater. Pumpkin eater."
He tries to put the voice out of his head.
He tries to be good enough.
He's not.
He takes the pills because they tell him to, when he remembers.
Maybe they can shut up the child in his head. The child that is him.
Maybe he doesn't want to. Maybe he wants someone to tell the little boy inside of him… not really a little boy, a child… Ten or eleven, maybe. Wants someone to tell the little boy that it's alright to be who he is. That he's not a failure. That he doesn't have to be afraid.
Maybe the only way he knows how to comfort the child is to let him come back over and over again. To let him speak. Even when his words are destructive.
Hes fighting a battle with himself.
And like with any war, everyone is a loser.