Sorry for the delay in updating! Hope your still sticking with it Have written all this story now so will hopefully get the last few chapters up in the next few days! This chapter takes a slightly less depressing turn so I hope you enjoy…

Chapter 4

His words hung heavily in the air. He was suddenly very aware of her hand warm in his and the fact that they were heading for dangerous territory that neither of them were in any fit emotional state to deal with. "I think I should go." His voice was reproachful, yet purposeful in its intentions. However, his hand made no gesture to move from hers and his eyes betrayed every word he spoke. Ignoring his protests, she voiced the unsettling notion that suddenly gripped in her chest.

"That night, Harry, after Roz's funeral. After I said… well… what I said, you were on the rooftop."

"Yes." His face flushed at the shameful memory. Her heart froze.

"If I hadn't come…" her voice caught in the thick emotion clogging her throat. She realised that maybe she didn't want to hear what he was about to tell her. Maybe she should just leave now before too much was said. But Beth's words echoed loudly in her head and forced her eyes to remain locked steadily on his.

"I hoped you'd come, Ruth. I'm glad you did." With this, the realisation that she could one day lose him crashed down onto her like an overwhelming flood. Horror battled with despair, desperation and pretty much every other emotion he had ever inflicted on her poor heart. Never before had it been so important that he be there. That she know he was safe. Reaching out her free hand she gently tilted his chin, so his eyes once more met hers.

"I can't lose you Harry. Not now. I won't survive it." Every word she spoke mirrored the desperate need for understanding, need for him that had begun to pulse through her entire body.

"What are you saying Ruth?" Gently her cold thumb traced across his weary cheek.

"I'm saying don't leave me Harry. Please."

"I…"

"Promise me! Find something Harry. Find a reason not to jump- not to ever jump!"

Harry opened his mouth to respond, but there was something in the dull ache in his heart, in his own self-denial, that stopped him. Sensing his dilemma, Ruth swallowed through her own emotions. It was her turn to be strong for him, she realised. She wasn't sure whether it was the realisation of what he meant to her or the determination of being alive, but a new fire began to simmer deep inside of her. "Out!" she ordered, suddenly, causing him to blink in utter astonishment.

"What?"

"Out. Now. Get out of the car." Harry started at her in utter bewilderment. The crumpled shell of a woman who had seemed to shrink before his very eyes only minutes ago was gone and instead her saw the young girl who had stood before his desk and berated him for pacing many moons ago. Failing to move, Ruth found herself forced to physically get out of the car, walk around to his side and open the door for him. His eyes never leaving her face, he slowly stepped out and stood close to her. His body was only inches from her chest as he tilted his head in query of an explanation. "Not yet," she smiled hazily at him "Get in and you'll find out."

He watched as she clambered into the driver's seat and, despite his seeping melancholy could not help but smile at her audacity. He was not beyond admission that if anyone else had ordered him suddenly out of his own car and then proceeded to hijack it in turn, he would have told them exactly were to stick their orders and immediately returned them to outside of the car by any unorthodox means necessary. She, however, could tell him to do anything and he knew he was powerless to obey. And if the truth be told, that was the way he had come to expect it. Slowly he shuffled around to the other side of the car and sunk low into the passengers seat.

"Aren't you going to lecture me on the potential dangers of women drivers?" she smiled as he shut the door and faced her. In a lame response he attempted to return her smile. "It might surprise you to know Harry, I was quite the girl racer in my day!"

"Nothing about you, Ruth, would surprise me anymore." Figuring that this was as good a go-a-head as she was going to get from his defeated self, Ruth turned the key and speed off down the road.

"Where are you taking me?" he asked as they reached the hundredth set of traffic lights.

"You'll see" she mused. Harry sighed, irritated. He could think of other things he would rather be doing right now than driving around London during rush hour. He was tired. He was emotional and, truth be told, he need a large glass of scotch. However, something about her sudden change in attitude had alerted him to accept her suggestion. The familiar glint that seemed to have returned in her eyes- one that had been absent for so long- meant that he had gone with her, without question.

As they crawled along the busy streets, Harry gazed absentmindedly out of the window. He thought of the woman sitting next to him and he thought of the woman he had met all those years ago on the Grid. Could it be true? Was she slowly returning? Was she allowing her to come through when he truly needed her? A painful idea crossed his mind, not for the first time. Was it his fault she had ever left her in the first place? He wondered if he had listened to her concerns about Cotterdam and Mourdsley from the very start, if he had only trusted her instincts implicitly as he should have done, then could things have been different? This unpleasant notion became a gateway to a cycle of unwanted memories, the most poignant being that of his conversation with Jo that day after Ruth had gone.

"That will be all." Harry had stated, collecting his files together after the painful debriefing. Roz had piped up "I don't know what you're all looking so bloody miserable about! She knew exactly what she was…" but a mutinous glare from Harry had halted her in her tracks. Head bent low, she had left the meeting room, closely followed by a distracted Adam and a sombre Zaf.

That was when Harry's eyes had come to rest on the young officer in front of him. Raw emotion and exhaustion had portrayed itself in an icy tone. "I said, that will be all Miss Porter."

"How could you?" she has spat, so uncharacteristically at him, as she slowly raised her tear stained face to challenge his gaze. "How could you just let her go Harry? How could you be so pig-headed? So selfish? So heartless?" Harry's heart jolted as violently at the memory as it had done that dark day. He thought how he had opened his mouth to protest, to defend his case, to question how she could possible accuse him of being heartless when his own heart was still silently breaking. However, his devastation had made this impossible. Jo had fixed him a look laced with such loathing that he had almost been relived when she had upped and fled from the meeting room without another word.

Harry rubbed his fist, absentmindedly, as he recalled the sharp pain he had felt as he had slammed it against the wooden desk in front of him.

Later that day there had been a soft knock on his office door. "Hi." Harry had refused to look up from the paper work he had furiously tried to busy himself with. He had still been livid at the accusations she had thrown at him and his own realisation that perhaps they were more accurate than he cared to admit. 'I've come to say I'm sorry."

"Then say it and get out. I'm busy."

"Harry!"

"I said I'm busy" His eyes had found hers. He remembered the anger he had felt. He remembered, with a stab of guilt, how part of him had wanted to goad her into a confrontation, grasping to the possibility that if he had taken his frustration out on her then maybe it would have somehow made it easier. Maybe it would have helped it all to make a little more sense. However, his anger had drained immediately from him at the sight of her, stood in the doorway, looking so desperate. So lost. So helpless. "Oh Jo! I'm so sorry!"

"It's fine."

"No, please. Sit down. I think we need to talk."

"I'm sorry Harry, for what I said. I know it's not true. I know you'd give anything… everything to have her back!"

"Ruth is a strong woman, Jo. She'll be ok."

"What about me Harry? What about you? How are we meant to cope without her? Ruth was always the one who knew the right thing to do. Without her Harry I just don't know… I don't… I can't…"

"I know. Believe me, I know."

"Oh Harry. I never even said goodbye! How was she? Did you tell her?"

"Excuse me?"

"Did you tell her how you feel? Did you beg her to stay? We could have made it work Harry! My God! We set up enough people around here, I'm sure we could have done something to keep her here!"

"Now Jo. Listen to me. If Ruth was here now, what do you think she would say? What would she tell us to do? Do you think she would want us to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves? Feeling sorry for her?"

"No."

"No. I think she'd smile that infectious smile, make some witty comment about 'pastures new', lecture us to take care and to not get shot, then demand that we all, well, let her go."

He took a sharp intake of breath as the pain of the memory tore deep into his chest. "Let me go, Harry." Her words echoed painfully in his memory. He could never let her go.

"Harry? Are you ok?" Her soft concern brought him crashing back to his senses.

Looking across at her, his voice was grave. "She thought a lot of you Ruth. They both did. They both saw how amazing your were… are. Saw how you deserve much more than any of this. They saw why I lo…"

"We're here."

Hope you enjoyed Please review and I will try and post next chapter really soon xx