Asura: And here is our thrilling conclusion to What Really Happened at the Ribahn River. It's been a fun journey, though a short one, and I'm thankful to all my reviewers. Right now I'm actually working on two one-shots for Fire Emblem, but they appeal more to the girly crowd, as they are yaoi, or guy on guy, fics. So I apologize to any reviewer that doesn't like that kind of thing. :(
Getting back on track, here is the fourth and final chapter of WRHATRR. Enjoy. :D Thank you again.
Disclaimer: Yeah… you think if I owned Fire Emblem, I'd actually have my internet. I don't, thus I do not own Fire Emblem cause I'm too broke to actually be that awesome. Lol.
Warning: Parody of the fight at the Ribahn River… which I'm going to later turn into a one-shot… but that's not the point. :D Mention of yaoi-ness, but no real scenes, tent-shaking, and all around weirdness and OOCness. Also, some of the talking parts might be a little off, but it's been a while ppls, so give me a break. Much love.
Chapter Four: How the War Ended =D
By: Asura Mori
This parody takes place during the movie part at the Ribahn River, with all the awesome action of Zelgius and the Laguz. Enjoy. –
Skrimir looked down upon the battlefield, a fierce smile on his face, as he watched the exchange of petty insults between his men and the Begnions. Lingering shouts of "Your mom!" still flew through the air, as well as rocks, but the real battle was just starting to begin.
His advisor and somewhat friend, Ranulf, stood by his side, an exasperated sigh escaping him. The Lion prince looked over at the cat, eyebrow arched in question, but Ranulf just shrugged. No way was he about to get into it with the lion Laguz.
And as usual he would be the one to clean up the mess. Goddess was he tired of being the diplomat and fixing Skrimir's mistakes.
"Are you ready?" Ranulf glanced over at Skrimir and nodded, not bothering with a real answer. He already knew that most of this war was probably the lion's fault… especially the whole "Your mom!" incident. It was something he would expect Skrimir to say and only reinforced his opinion on the whole matter.
The cat flinched a bit when he felt talons close down around his shoulders, but otherwise showed nothing of his discomfort. "I hate flying…" He muttered, clenching his teeth as he was lifted into the air.
The hawk that was carrying him let out a cawing noise that sounded oddly like a laugh and Ranulf almost smacked himself in the head. Damn hawks and their good hearing. He turned his head slightly and let out a little hissing noise, but the hawk just continued to caw. Rolling his eyes, Ranulf attempted to get as comfortable as possible. It was gonna be a short ride, but a hellish one.
0-0-0-0-0-0
Zelgius watched the fight from his command area, trying not to laugh at the stupidity of it all. Sounds from the fight echoed across the river, sometimes carrying with it a sudden outburst of "Your mom!" and only serving to reinforce the need to laugh. It was just so… idiotic.
The general blinked then and turned slightly, feeling a distress call from the Senators. One of his soldiers saw him looking around and asked "My lord?" but he just waved him off. "It's nothing. I'm… needed elsewhere."
The blunette started to walk off to go and help the Senators, but paused and looked up, just as a bunch of cat Laguz dropped from the sky. One of the cats was one Zelgius recognized: Ranulf.
And he couldn't help but grin as Ranulf sauntered towards him. "Well, well… look what the cat dragged in." Ranulf stopped, glaring at the general. "Okay, that was lame, even for you." He growled, popping his knuckles. Zelgius lifted a finely arched brow, wondering at the sudden hostility.
"Oh, confused are we? Well let's see… you and Skrimir started fighting at the tavern… and now you guys are fighting again… why wouldn't I be pissed? I mean, it's not like we tried to avoid a war or anything… now did we?"
And Zelgius couldn't help but laugh. "You want to avoid a war, dear cat? Well, then, be diplomatic. Offer me something I can't refuse." Ranulf let out a sigh, already knowing where this was going. He looked at his men and cocked his head quickly to the side, telling them to get lost. The other cats looked at each other, muttering, but quickly made themselves scarce, leaving the general and the Laguz advisor alone.
Zelgius started toward Ranulf, taking off his gloves, but the cat held up a hand, scowling. "You don't expect me to just start stripping here, do you? I like the feel of grass just like everyone else, but for this? Oh hell no."
"Would you rather I take you back to my tent?" The blunette general grinned impishly, reaching out to caress the cat's face. Ranulf drew back, hissing and glaring, making the other man laugh. "Fine, we'll do it your way, but…" He drew off his cape and threw it over the cat's head, like a cloak, "You'll have to wear this… unless you want my men to see you coming to my tent like some docile female?"
"Ugh, only in your dreams, beorc." Ranulf pretended to gag, pulling the general's cape tightly around his head. This was going to so embarrassing…
0-0-0-0-0-0
Zelgius paraded the cat through the camp, thoroughly enjoying the laguz's discomfort. He made sure to pull Ranulf close, ignoring the hiss sent his way, and continued to look grim and commanding. One of his subordinates came up to him, trying not to smile, and asked if he would be leaving the field for a short time.
Ranulf just wanted to die when the blunette said yes and felt his face flushing in embarrassment. He hid his face against Zelgius' chest, not caring that it gave the general satisfaction to see him so insecure. This was not his element and it made him somewhat scared.
And then they were moving again and Ranulf felt like throwing up. Yeah, he and Zelgius had done this before… but not to stop a war! And it had been consensual before… now he felt like some kind of prostitute, selling his services to get something in return… damn it all…
They were in the tent. How they had gotten there so fast seemed unreal to the cat, but it was too late to dwell on those kinds of matters. He looked up at Zelgius, who had already started stripping, and let out a sigh.
Might as well get this over with… ugh…
He started to lie back and accept his fate, before suddenly sitting up and grabbing the general's arm. "Before we do this, you have to promise that you'll call off your attack and give me and my people three days to get away. All right?"
Zelgius seemed to think about it for a few seconds, then shrugged. "Very well. No more talking now. Let's just enjoy this."
And that's when the tent started rocking, much to the appreciation of Zelgius' men, who started cat-calling and yelling.
0-0-0-0-0-0
The war was finally over, but Ranulf would never feel the same. Ike was looking over at him with a worried expression, but the cat just waved him off, wincing with the motion. Damn that Zelgius… at this rate, he'd be limping for a week… damn it…
But at least the war was over… right…?
Poor Ranulf didn't even realize the futility of that hope.
FIN!
Asura: And that's all she wrote folks. My parody has come to an end. I didn't get to add Sothe into the mix, but that's a tale for another day. :D Maybe a one-shot that I'll write later… muahahaha.
By the way, has anybody else noticed that there are really no Zelgius x fics? I mean, besides him screwing Ike or Sephiran… or the other way around. Heheh. Being disappointed in that, I feel like writing another fic… lol… muhahahaha… anyway…
Thanks to my reviewers and their lovely reviews. You all inspired me to continue this fic for as long as possible, but now… it has sadly come to an end. Thank you and all… Have a nice time… and please read and review… cause even though this is the end… I still like reviews? And cookies? Yeah… reviews and cookies… mmmmm…