Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
A/N: I thought I would clarify something before you go ahead and read the chapter. In most places in Japan, addresses are based on city blocks, or city banchis, instead of on streets. Addresses would state the area of the city (or a prominent landmark, like a subway station, if giving directions) and then the number of the block. From there, each building on that block has its own number, similar to addresses in North America. You may be wondering why I'm telling you this, but it will make sense later on. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 4
"As a rule, what is out of sight disturbs men's minds more seriously than what they see."
– Julius Caesar
...
The heavy footsteps of the two police officers were muted by my pounding heart beat that resonated within my ear. I tried to inconspicuously wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans as they neared Fumiko and I, stern expressions on their faces as they stared straight at us.
A small part of me had hoped that Matsuda would be one of the police officers who would meet us. At least he would have been someone that I somewhat knew, and he probably would be friendly and cheerful, even with the seriousness of the matter. The two officers who were approaching us were definitely not cheerful and they didn't look too friendly.
One of them was on the shorter side and appeared to be quite young. Although his face was fixated in a stern, serious expression, the roundness in his cheeks and his evident youth made him less intimidating.
The other officer on the other hand was the very embodiment of intimidation and business. He towered over the other officer and was solidly built. Any boyish remnants were absent from his face. Instead it was chiselled with lines of stern commitment.
He was the first to speak when they both reached Fumiko and I.
"I am Officer Mogi Kanzo and this is Officer Ukita Hirokazu. We will be documenting your accounts."
They both bowed politely. Fumiko and I sneaked a quick glance at each other before we both bowed and introduced ourselves.
"I am Ibaraki Fumiko, the one who called the tip-line." Fumiko's voice was small and filled with shame. She barely made eye contact with the two officers.
"And I am, um, Yagami Etsuko. Um, I was there when the phone call was made," I quietly said, trying to keep my voice from wavering.
I noticed that the two officers both acknowledged Fumiko and I with slight nods of the head, but they both appeared to be more interested in me than in Fumiko. Both of their gazes lingered on me longer after my introduction than when Fumiko had introduced herself. They probably were thinking how disgraceful it was for the niece of the Chief of the NPA to have been involved in such an unnecessary and time-wasting occurrence.
Officer Mogi cleared his throat and spoke again in that deep, serious voice of his.
"Ibaraki, you will be assisted by Officer Ukita. Yagami, I will document your account."
"W-wait! We're being separated?" Fumiko shakily inquired, her shoulders noticeably become tense.
I struggled with swallowing back a glob of salvia that I had almost choked on. I hadn't been counting on them separating Fumiko and I. What could possibly be the reasoning behind that move? It wasn't like our accounts would clash. Fumiko was the only one after all who made the call; I technically wasn't involved with it, but had just sat there stupidly trying to get her to hang up.
All of a sudden I remembered why we were there. It wasn't because we had phoned the tip-line for an unnecessary reason. We were there because they wanted to hear about our concerns regarding Light. Isn't that what Fumiko had said the officer wanted to talk to us about? But if that was truly the case, separating us was even more of a waste of time.
Fumiko doesn't even know Light, never mind having any concerns about him. What could she possibly have to tell these officers then? They aren't going to get anything out of her that is relevant. I, on the other hand, could voice my concerns, but there's no way in hell I'm doing that. Something about all of this still doesn't feel right. From calling us in after hours to even documenting the concerns I have about my cousin, it just seems so trivial and weird. How could my concerns regarding Light hold any importance to the police, especially the Kira investigation?
"Yes. It's standard procedure," was the only explanation we got from Officer Mogi. He didn't grace us with any more details or clarification.
"Ibaraki, if you would please follow me," Officer Ukita motioned for Fumiko to follow him. Fumiko gave me one last look before she left me with the more intimidating of the two officers. I could tell that she was trying to be brave and confident with the dead-set look she gave me, but she was nervous, as was I. We were both two confused fish out of water.
Officer Mogi and I both followed after Officer Ukita and Fumiko. It wasn't long before Officer Ukita and Fumiko turned down another hallway and disappeared out of sight. I tried to steady my breathing as I followed after Officer Mogi, trying to concentrate on the design of his suit instead of his lofty height and firm build. I chided myself for being so nervous and intimidated around a police officer; I had grown up with police officers in the family. They were there to protect people. But as I followed him deeper into the depths of the NPA headquarters, I trembled with the knowledge that I wasn't there to be protected or reassured, but that I was there to be questioned. About Light. The very notion of why they were interested in such information still baffled me...and worried me.
Officer Mogi opened a door to a small room that looked like an unused office space. It contained a desk and two chairs sitting on opposite ends of the table. A water cooler sat in one of the corners and a clock hung on one of the walls. Upon further inspection, a small security camera was snugly positioned in one of the corners where the wall and ceiling met. The lens of the camera was aimed directly at the table.
Officer Mogi motioned for me to sit down, which I nervously did. After shutting the door, he calmly sat down at the other end of the table and opened a file folder that he had been holding the whole time. Inside were papers, none of which I could clearly read. He slid a pen out of his suit pocket and began to scribble a few things at the top of the page. All that I could make out from his writing was my name and the date. He was engrossed in his initial note taking, clearly dedicated with making sure everything was in place.
I looked at the clock. It was 8:35 pm. There was no way I was going to be home by nine. Was auntie going to worry? I was going to have to come up with an excuse as to why I was late coming home. There was no way I was going to tell her the truth.
I snuck a quick glance at the camera out of the corner of my eye. Its tiny red light was the only indication that it was on and recording. It was capturing my image, permanently holding my identity within its mechanical memory.
What would uncle think if he saw the footage that that camera is recording right this second? Should I ask this officer if he's going to inform uncle about all of this? Would it look even worse if I asked him to refrain from telling uncle?
Officer Mogi looked up from his notes. His pen was still clenched within his hands, ready to document. Document information that he was expecting me to share.
"I presume that Ibaraki informed you of why we asked you both to come here?" Officer Mogi's voice was calm and polite, but it wasn't relaxed or warm. He was there purely to get his work done as efficiently and effectively as he could. Although I'm sure it wasn't his intention, his focused determination to his work wasn't helping me to calm down or relax.
"Um, y-yes. She said that we were here to give statements about...about concerns we had. About my cousin." I clenched my hands tightly together, wincing as one of my nails scratched my finger.
"It's standard procedure to document the contents of any tip-line phone call we receive. Whatever the content may be."
Even if it's completely unusable information? Completely irrelevant information? Then again, maybe the police are actually interested in documenting and investigating the anti-Kira harassment that university and high school students have been experiencing.
I was shaken out of my thoughts by the expectant look that Officer Mogi was directing straight towards me. I was momentarily confused by his silence, but then I realized that he was waiting for me to begin speaking. To begin telling him about my concerns.
"Uh, well you see, it's all just a mistake." The words naturally fumbled out of my mouth. I had planned what I was going to say on the drive to headquarters.
"A mistake?" Officer Mogi didn't sound sceptical or irritated with my answer. He simply asked for clarification.
"Yes. My friend, she, well she completely misinterpreted something I said and...it's just a mistake." I continued to look down at my folded hands, positive that if I merely looked at Officer Mogi the truth would come gushing out of my mouth.
"What did she misinterpret?"
My pulse began to painfully pound within my head, as if the veins in my temple were about to burst. Officer Mogi's silence unnerved me. He kept staring expectantly at me, waiting, waiting. I began to shake. It wasn't very noticeable, but I could feel my hands quiver and my foot began to softly tap nervously against the tiled floor. I thought I had everything planned when I was in the car, but now, finding myself seated directly across from a police officer, I had lost the ability to form words.
I stuttered out, barely audible, "It, it was a-a mist...it was a m-mistake."
I snuck a glance at Officer Mogi and saw that his brow was slightly creased. He must have realized that he wasn't getting anywhere with me. And yet he remained silent, as if he thought his silence could potentially unnerve me enough to loosen my tongue. But the only words that continued to circle within my head were the ones that I had muttered only a second ago.
After waiting in the uncomfortable silence for a bit, he finally asked, "Would you be able to clarify for me what you mean?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but my vocal chords had frozen up. I suddenly became aware of that camera and how it was watching me. Studying and scrutinizing me. I swallowed hard and tried to force myself to speak, but the words refused to travel outside of my mouth, nestling within my throat instead. The clock ticked on. Officer Mogi continued to wait for me to speak.
I finally managed to mumble, "I-I'm sorry for wasting the police's time, b-but...it was just a mistake! I-I'm sorr-"
My stumbling words were cut off by the piercing ring of Officer Mogi's cell phone. I almost leapt out of my seat. After Officer Mogi had checked who was phoning and had answered the call, I began to settle down once again. I began to read Officer Mogi's facial expressions to see if I could discover what was going on. It was something to do to distract me from the fluttering nervous feeling within the pit of my stomach and the pounding beat in my head.
At first Officer Mogi's face remained fixed in the serious, calm expression that he had been wearing since we had entered the room. Gradually, his countenance changed and he appeared to be momentarily confused before adapting a more disappointed expression. His thick eyebrows creased in concentration as he listened to the person on the other end, and the edge of his mouth turned down into a faint, half-frown.
"Understood," he calmly replied to the person on the phone and smoothly closed his phone. He turned towards me and began to gather his papers and slide them back into the file folder.
"Another officer will be arriving shortly to document your statement," Officer Mogi explained as he got up from his seat and pushed his chair in.
I was slightly confused as to why they were bringing in a different officer. Sure, I was being quite inarticulate and vague with my words, but I was sure that if Officer Mogi had spent enough time trying to stare the words out of me, I would have eventually cracked and given some adequate answer. I supposed that they were impatient to get the statement finished, it being after hours and all.
"O-okay. Do I still stay here?"
"Yes. The officer should be about 15 minutes." Officer Mogi slipped his cell phone into his pocket and opened the door. He turned to me before he left and politely added, "Thank you for your patience."
I numbly nodded and he closed the door on me.
I suddenly realized how much I felt trapped in that room. I knew that I wasn't a suspect or prisoner, but I wasn't expected to leave that room. Were they expecting the other officer to do a better job than Officer Mogi at getting an answer from me? But, wait. If that was the case, they would have had to have some way of knowing that Officer Mogi wasn't getting an answer from me, that he wasn't being successful in getting me to clarify.
I suddenly couldn't help the urge and twisted my head around to the security camera in the corner. Was someone watching from the camera? Had they been watching the encounter between me and Officer Mogi the whole time and had decided to call in another officer? Was the person watching the one who called Officer Mogi's cell phone?
I couldn't look into the camera's lens anymore. It felt uncomfortable, as if I had been staring into someone's eye for an indecent length of time. I swiftly turned around in my seat and tried to ignore the camera's scrutinizing gaze. However, all I could think about was it watching me. As if I was some intriguing specimen in a jar. I slightly shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts and focus on something else.
I began to focus on listening to the steady ticks of the clock, which seemed to grow louder with each passing minute. I began to time my breathing so that each heart beat fell in time with the clock's ticking. I began to feel soothed, as if my heart and the clock were quietly murmuring to me with each continuous, stable beat, "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay."
Very soon though, I began to feel like I had been sitting in that room for hours, even though it had only been five minutes. My mind began to wander and it found itself doing what felt natural and familiar.
It began to worry.
I began to worry about what Fumiko was telling the police, how much Aunt Sachiko was going to worry about me not being home on time, what would happen if uncle found out about my little visit to headquarters, what the next police officer was going to be like, what I was going to say. The worries passed rapidly through my brain, as if they were racing down a long stretch of highway. Every so often, an especially troublesome worry would slow down and get stuck in my mind, as if it was caught in the middle of a traffic jam and couldn't move on.
Time moved slowly on. My heart began to beat wildly. My stomach rocked back and forth from one end of my body to the next. My foot began to tap uncontrollably on the floor again. The incessant ticking of the clock, the glaring stare of the camera, and the small, tight room were unnerving me. Waiting for the other officer was torturous. Time continued to barely move on.
I desperately wanted to leave.
I don't know how much longer I can sit here. I just can't seem to relax. I just—
I could hear footsteps down the hall. They stopped all of a sudden outside the door. There was a slight rattle with the door knob and the door opened to reveal the other police officer.
"Hello, Etsuko!"
Instantly my stomach settled and my heart beat slowed down. A breath that I didn't know I had been holding was released. I couldn't help but let a small smile grace my lips.
Matsuda stood in the doorway, eyes twinkling and a big smile on his face. His cheerful presence put me somewhat at ease, although I could still feel remnants of that nervous queasiness in the pit of my stomach. Matsuda wasn't here to chat away, but was intending to hear my statement.
"Sorry that you had to wait for so long. I had to drive all the way from the Matsuya and Ginza station near banchi 21 to get here, and you know how bad the traffic is down there, so it took a bit longer than I thought!"
"Oh, th-that's alright. It wasn't that long of a wait," I sputtered out, trying to sound good natured and relaxed. I failed pitiably. I sounded drained and nervous.
It had felt like an eternity.
Matsuda cocked his head slightly to the side and frowned as he looked at my face.
"Are you alright, Etsuko? You look kind of pale," Matsuda gently asked, his voice laced with concern.
"O-oh, I'm fine. Really. Just, um, a bit tired from a long day, I guess." I looked away, embarrassed.
Why do I always have to be some weakling that people have to be concerned over? Toughen up, Etsuko.
Matsuda went over to the water cooler. I smiled gratefully as he set a cup of water in front of me. I sipped at the cool contents in the cup, relishing the feeling of the cold water trailing down my throat. Matsuda sat opposite me and opened a file folder similar to the one that Officer Mogi had had. From the way his face relaxed into a thoughtful gaze, I knew that he was preparing to get down to business.
"Well, if you're feeling up to it, we should probably get this over with." Matsuda pulled out a pen and shuffled in his seat, trying to get comfortable.
As if I have a choice in the matter.
"Mogi didn't write too much down, just that you were saying that your friend misinterpreted something you said."
I set the empty cup down and sighed quietly. I couldn't keep delaying anymore. I had to eventually get home and I felt guilty for having Matsuda drive all the way to headquarters just because I wasn't giving a sufficient statement to the last officer. Besides, refusing to talk would be a sore way of repaying Matsuda for his humble endeavours of trying to make me feel better.
"To tell you the truth..." I hesitated and swallowed a couple of times, trying to gulp down my nervousness. Matsuda patiently waited for me to continue, a small, encouraging smile on his face. I couldn't help but smile a bit back.
"I am, um, was a bit worried about my cousin."
Matsuda nodded, silently indicating that he was listening and that I could continue. I nodded back in polite thankfulness and continued on, carefully forming and overseeing the words that exited my mouth.
"My cousin has been stressed about school lately, since he's graduating from high school this year. He's been thinking about exams and university, that type of stuff. It's a big transition, so it's understandable that he's feeling somewhat strained. I was just concerned that he was getting too stressed. It's really nothing. Every student goes through that high school pressure, right?"
I laughed nervously at the end, trying to convey that there wasn't a big issue. That everything was okay.
Matsuda looked up from his notes and smiled widely. "Makes sense to me. I remember when I was graduating from high school. There's a lot to think about around that time; it can get very overwhelming."
"Exactly! That's what Light is going through right now, or was going through." I nodded enthusiastically, trying to sound as convincing as possible.
If only I was telling the truth and that was all Light was struggling with right now. Unfortunately, I think he's dealing with some things, or some people, that are bigger than high school worries.
Matsuda's pen stopped writing and he kindly asked, "So, what did your friend misinterpret then?"
"Ah. Well, you see..."
I looked down at my hands that were sitting in my lap. I realized that I couldn't delay long in formulating an answer or else it would look unbelievable or suspicious.
Might as well just take the plunge and dive head first into the fabrication.
"I had mentioned a boy at Light's high school who had been suspended for anti-Kira bullying, and my friend, I don't know, she must have misinterpreted what I said or something like that. I think she thought that I was worried about Light getting, um, I don't know...teased or something like that by this boy and his friends." I paused to chuckle softly, as if the very idea I had just presented was ridiculous.
"She's curious into all of this Kira stuff. She wanted an excuse to phone the tip-line, just for the experience of it, and I guess she used this misinterpretation as the basis for her phone call. I didn't even know what she was doing until it was too late."
I wasn't even thinking if what I was saying matched up to what Fumiko had actually said on the phone. Truthfully, whatever Fumiko had said on the phone seemed to be a distant and muddled memory at that moment. I could only hope that my answer was going to be satisfactory for the police.
In the end, what did it really matter if it was adequate or not? Who cared if it didn't sound completely truthful? All they wanted to do was document the contents of the call and move on. It wasn't an investigation after all.
Still, the temptation was still there to ask Matsuda why the police were eager to receive such clarification and explanation. I could understand "standard procedure," but to this extent of calling in another officer just to get a better answer than the last one was able to?
Although the temptation was there, my desire to leave headquarters and flee all the way home was stronger than any other feeling I had at that moment. The last thing I was going to do was draw more attention to myself by asking why the police appeared to be so interested in such an unimportant matter.
Standard procedure. It's just standard procedure. That's a good enough answer for me. Just please let me leave.
Matsuda paused in his writing and briefly looked up. "Well, I think I included everything you said. Anything else you wanted to add?"
For a brief second, I was convinced that he was going to ask me to clarify even more. But I guess my answer was good enough.
I took a deep breath and answered hurriedly while breathing out, "I'm just very sorry for wasting the police's time with such an insignificant phone call. I just want to forget about all of this and pretend like it didn't happen."
I was hoping that Matsuda would get the hint that I didn't want anyone, namely Uncle Soichiro, to find out about the phone call and my "visit" to headquarters.
Matsuda apparently got wind of my hidden plea as he nodded firmly and said reassuringly, "All documentation like this is confidential."
Hopefully that includes confidentially keeping this incident away from my uncle's knowledge.
Matsuda put the cap back on his pen and began to place the papers back in the folder. "Well, it looks like we're all done then! Oh, and no harm done. We get a lot worse phone calls than the one your friend made."
I broke out into a genuine smile and barely heard what Matsuda was saying. I tried to contain my excitement of being able to leave. I carefully and calmly stood up and waited patiently for Matsuda to make sure he had everything in order. It would have appeared rude and weird if I had bolted out of that room, however tempting it was.
Matsuda stood up and rummaged around in his jacket pocket, looking for something. He eventually pulled out a rumpled business card and handed it to me.
"I almost forgot. Here's the general police phone number if you need anything else. I'm sure your uncle has this number available at home, but I thought I would give you your own copy, just in case something else pops up."
I briefly glimpsed at the card, confused as to why I needed my own copy of the number. What were they expecting to pop up? I had given my statement; there was nothing else to say.
Actually, there was everything to say.
We finally left the room. Matsuda walked me down the hallway to the front entrance. He must not have noticed how eager I was to get out of there, because he walked slowly down the hall, attempting to make small talk with me. That was the last thing I wanted to do. Matsuda was nice (so far at least), but the last thing I wanted to do was stand around in the NPA hallway chatting away.
I wanted, no, I needed to get home.
I saw Fumiko sitting on one of the front entranceway benches, looking bored and tired. I wondered how long she had been waiting for me.
Never mind. I wonder what she told the police.
I turned quickly around to give Matsuda a hurried 'goodbye,' when he cut me off before I had a chance to speak.
"Well, it was nice seeing you again, Etsuko." He smiled broadly, his hands casually stuffed in his pockets.
"Oh, yeah. It was nice seeing you again, too, Matsuda." I rushed through my words and bowed hastily before taking a few steps away from him. I abruptly stopped and hid a sigh of frustration as Matsuda spoke again.
"Say "hello" to your aunt and cousins for me."
Listen, Matsuda, you're a nice guy and all, but I really just want to leave. Can't you see that?
"Sure, of course. I'll tell them as soon as I get home." I began to walk away, hastily shaking my hand at him. His smile never faltered and he returned the gesture by wildly shaking his hand at me.
I had barely walked a few steps when I heard his cell phone ringing and him answering it. I looked quickly back behind my shoulder. Matsuda's face had undergone a drastic transformation. He appeared crestfallen and embarrassed, his head meekly bowed and his mouth drawn into a droopy frown. Whoever was talking to him apparently didn't have good news. The only snippets of conversation that I was able to catch were a few disjointed words that Matsuda sputtered out.
"I didn't want to pressure...scared...sounded...-vincing."
I frowned. I felt sorry that Matsuda had to contend with yet another problem. As he continued talking on the phone, I continued walking and shrugged to myself.
Oh, well. A policeman's job is never done. Hopefully, he solves this next problem quickly.
Fumiko stood up as she saw me approaching her. She offered me a miniscule smile, hopeful that I would return it. I placed a half smile on my face just to make Fumiko happy, but it took effort to plaster it on my face. I felt exhausted from the whole ordeal and was still not pleased with her and her actions that had disrupted my evening.
"Man, you were in there for a long time. And it looks like you had two police officers assist you?" Fumiko caught a glimpse of Matsuda, who was walking away down the hallway.
"Yes. Why? Did your statement take a short period of time?" I began to walk towards the front doors, Fumiko at my side. I was trying to sound casual, but I was intensely curious and concerned with what she had told the police. I shivered as the night air rushed to greet us as we exited the NPA headquarters.
"I was literally in there for a few minutes. I just told the officer that I didn't know your cousin, but that you were the one worried about him. I told him that I thought it was normal for you to be a bit concerned about your cousin, since Light is graduating and has those boys in his school."
"You didn't tell him that Light was getting bullied by them though, did you?" I nervously glanced at Fumiko.
"No. Since we don't know if he really is or not. Just that there's some anti-Kira bullying going on in his school." Fumiko paused for a second and fiddled with her purse strap. "I was going to tell the officer more about your worries regarding your cousin, like how you think he may be getting harassed and how he's been acting funny, but...well, I didn't think you would have wanted me to. I screwed up enough of your evening...I didn't want to disappoint you anymore."
I could hear the genuine apology in Fumiko's words and my anger towards her settled a bit.
"I told the officer that I had made up a story about your cousin and bullying, in order to phone the tip-line. That everything I said was false, even the part where I began to apologize to the police over the phone, in order to have a little bit of fun. I told him I hadn't been thinking. I told him that I called the tip-line more out of curiosity than out of concern for you." Fumiko lowered her voice during the last part and meekly looked away from me.
"And they didn't ask for more clarification? They were okay with that answer?"
"Yes, why wouldn't they be? Once they found out I didn't know your cousin and wasn't worried about him, they didn't seem that interested. I guess that's why they kept you longer; you would have had more to say," Fumiko absently commented as she fiddled in her purse for her keys as we approached the car. She turned back to me and said, "I'm sure they'll just stash away our statements, concluding that it was a prank call."
I didn't know what to say or what to think anymore. I couldn't make sense of what had just occurred and didn't even contain the willpower to worry about it anymore. The police were just being thorough, were just following standard procedure, were perhaps interested in documenting any potential anti-Kira bullying accounts.
Those were the only plausible explanations.
"Anyways, it's all over now and everything's settled," Fumiko comfortingly said as she unlocked the car doors.
My hand froze on the car door handle, momentarily unsure of what to do with itself. I looked back up at the front doors to the NPA headquarters building and had the urge for a brief second to run back through those doors, chase Matsuda down, and tell him the truth. I may have left that building with my dignity intact, but the sickening realization that I had thrown away the opportunity to confide in someone about my worries was strong and overbearing.
I drowned that realization with more rational insights.
What would Matsuda have been able to do if I told him? Nothing. Or he might've told uncle and that's the last thing I want. No, it was best to just lie. And Fumiko did a pretty good job as well; I'm surprised she still had the willpower to lie after the whole phone call fiasco. It doesn't sound like our accounts clashed too much and it sounds like the police believed her as well.
However, as Fumiko silently drove me home, aware that I was not in the mood to talk, I couldn't help but feel disappointed with myself. I had lied to the police and I was still being haunted by that same concern for Light.
I recognized that there was only one way to find out if my worries were irrational or reasonable.
As Fumiko dropped me off at my house, I realized that, somewhere along that drive home, I had found the courage to confront Light with my worries.
...
"Etsuko? Is that you?"
I softly closed the front door behind me, trying desperately, but failing miserably, to ignore the concerned tone in my aunt's voice.
I've worried her. And no wonder...I'm 45 minutes late from when I was supposed to be home.
Aunt Sachiko rounded the corner, a slightly worried, but also relieved expression on her face.
"Oh, good. It is you."
I dove head first into my apology.
"I'm so sorry, auntie. Fumiko and I got carried away with studying and then we began talking about other things, like school and other classmates and...I'm sorry. That's no excuse for not having phoned you to tell you I was going to be late," I finished lamely, head lowered in shame.
Aunt Sachiko sighed tiredly, but her face relaxed into an understanding smile. "I see. I remember when I used to study with friends of mine. We would get terribly off topic. Talking about friends, professors, boys."
Aunt Sachiko chuckled softly, a somewhat bashful look on her face. Her eyes lowered for a split second, remembering far away moments that had long faded into the past.
Moments that I had never experienced myself, but only lied to her about.
Auntie's nostalgia passed and she gently said, "Please try to call next time though, hmm? You know how I worry, dear."
"Of course, auntie. I'll definitely call next time," I promised as I slipped out of my jacket and headed towards the stairs.
There probably won't be a next time. I think I prefer studying by myself.
I climbed the stairs slowly. I paused at the second last step. Light's door was just around the corner.
Am I really going to do this? Yes, I have to. I made the decision when I stepped out of the car. It is time to put this to rest.
With a sharp intake of breath, I climbed the remaining stairs and rapped on Light's door. Over the last few weeks, I had stared at his closed door with hesitation and worry, waiting for him to answer my knock. Now, I stared down the light, wooden door with a firm determination and a deep concentration. It was the last remaining physical barrier to what I had to do.
Light appeared at the door. The now familiar elements of fatigue and impassivity styled his facial expression. The smile that he quickly planted on his face lacked any cheer or genuineness. It was simply there to cover up his impatience of being interrupted. Although the fake smile's presence almost persuaded me to leave, my resolve to speak with my cousin overpowered my feelings of uncertainty.
"Yes, Etsuko?" His pleasant voice barely hid the faint undertone of irritation. His eyes briefly glimpsed at the book bag slung across my shoulder. He raised an eyebrow questioningly.
I looked at my book bag strap and then quickly back to Light. "Oh, I just got home. I hope auntie wasn't too worried."
Light frowned and tilted his head to the side. His eyes narrowed with genuine confusion. I internally recoiled at his apparent puzzlement.
"I was at a friend's house studying for a test. I lost track of time and just got home," I explained, trying hard to not show how taken aback I was with Light's bafflement.
It's not like him to forget things, even little things like this. He's more preoccupied than I thought.
"Oh, of course." Light nodded absently and instantly got to the point with his next set of words. "Do you need anything?"
"Well, yes. I was wondering...I was wondering if I could come in for a minute." I firmly held onto my book bag strap, tightening my grip as I waited for his answer.
"Do you need help with homework?" Light asked good naturedly, but he failed to hide the soft, exasperated sigh that escaped his lips at the end of his question.
"No. No, I don't. I need to speak with you about..." I tightened my grip on the bag and my knuckles turned white. I unflinchingly looked into Light's eyes.
Just get it out! Just say it!
"...About something that's been on my mind lately."
I faintly heard the sound of my cousin's spine cracking as he rigidly straightened his posture. His fingers slowly clenched and unclenched at his sides. His eyes focused unwaveringly on me, silently trying to read what thoughts lay behind my concerned eyes. I recognized his body language from various other occasions, particularly when I had attended some of his more demanding tennis matches.
He was getting ready for a challenge. He was sizing up his competition: Me.
Surely I didn't sound intimidating? I just want to talk to him.
"Sure, come on in," Light smiled politely and opened his bedroom door further to welcome me into his room. As soon as I heard the door click as it closed shut, I felt that there was no turning back. I had taken the leap and now I had to swim. I had to get the words out or else I was just going to sink and would never be able to resurface to confront Light again.
I sat my book bag at my feet as I sat down across from Light. His school books were strewn across his desk beside his empty tea mug. The crumpled chip bag was nestled at the top of his garbage can.
Light noticed me looking at his trash and laughed softly before saying, "Sorry. I finished them a couple of hours ago. Are you hungry?"
He got up as if to go downstairs to bring up another bag of chips, but I instantly replied, "No, it's alright! I'll eat something later."
No more distractions. Just get on with it.
Light slowly sat back down and patiently waited for me to speak. He rested his hands in his lap and leaned back in his chair. He was trying to act casual, but I could tell by his unwavering stare that he was anything but relaxed. He was eagerly waiting for an explanation.
I lowered my gaze to my hands that sat limply in my lap and slowly breathed in.
"I'm probably going to speak fast because I just need to get it out and say it, alright?" I mumbled quickly, my eyes remaining fixed on my hands.
There was a second of silence. Light simply replied, "Go on."
His softly spoken prompt pushed me over the edge and I began to speak.
"Light, you've been, well, you've been acting sort of strange lately. Over the last few weeks to be precise."
I waited for him to reply, but he remained silent. The soft mechanical humming from his computer was the only sound in the room. I didn't dare look up at him. I continued on.
"You've been distancing yourself from everyone by spending so much time in your room. The only times I ever see you are when we sometimes walk home from school together and at the dinner table. I know that you have a lot of school work to focus on, but..but you never isolated yourself like this before."
I shifted slightly in my seat and shakily breathed in again, my eagerness slowly building as my words quickly tumbled out of my mouth.
"And you've been sort of, um, well, preoccupied with something. Like whenever I talk to you, you always seem to have something else on your mind. As if...as if you're only half-listening," I sadly finished, almost feeling ashamed at the claims that I was making regarding my cousin.
Light continued to remain perfectly silent.
"At first I thought it was just school. That the stress of graduating and preparing for university was just getting to you. But I know you better than that to know that school wouldn't stress you out to the point where you've been acting the way you have been. I think..."
I paused and stared fixedly at one of my fingernails. I tried to find the exact words I wanted to speak.
"I think something else has been causing you stress. And the only thing I can think of is...are those boys that you walk home with almost every day. Those boys who are so pro-Kira and who...and who have been known, or at least one of them has been known, to harass anti-Kira students. I haven't failed to notice that you started to act...strange at the same time that they started to hang around you."
I wondered what Light was thinking. I listened to his steady breathing and wondered if any of what I had just said surprised him. Had he been expecting me to notice his unusual behaviour and confront him on it? Or was he simply trying to disguise his surprise?
I lowered my head further as I finished with one last sentence. "I've been...concerned that they might be...might be, um...bothering you and that's why you've been acting the way...the way you have been lately."
If I had thought that voicing my worries to Light was going to be the hardest part of the confrontation, I was wrong. Waiting for Light to respond was the most gruelling part.
I continued to avoid his gaze and waited for him to speak. A few seconds went by in silence before he sighed heavily. I refrained from looking up, but I could hear the emotion behind his sigh. It was not burdened with irritation or impatience, like I had been expecting, but with a somewhat defeated sadness. I slightly panicked for a second; Light never displayed defeat. I looked up.
I was shocked by his appearance. His hands lay loosely in his lap, palms upward and fingers unclenched. His head was slightly bowed and his fringe hung limply in front of his face, covering part of his eyes. His mouth was curved into a dismal frown. And his eyes openly demonstrated an emotion that I rarely ever saw displayed by my cousin: sorrow.
He shifted in his chair a little, angling his face slightly to the side so that I could only see a side profile of his face. Was he facing away from me because he didn't want me to see how vulnerable he looked? There was no doubt about it. I had never seen my cousin look so emotionally exposed before.
It was a shock, since the past few weeks he had been so emotionally vague and unreadable. It was like a light switch had been flicked on, and in an instant he had gone from borderline expressionless, to bare-faced distress.
My mouth opened and closed as I frantically tried to come up with something to say. Something that would console him. But he saved me from trying to come up with the appropriate words by speaking himself.
"You've caught me, Etsuko," he darkly chuckled, all the while avoiding my confused gaze.
Light continued slowly in the same sombre tone of voice, "You're more observant than I thought you were. It really shouldn't come as a surprise though. You've always been very astute with reading people...even when they don't want to be read."
Light looked up and stared deeply into my eyes. I was overwhelmed by the mixture of emotions swirling behind his eyes: concern, disappointment, relief. The most prevalent emotion though was a deep sadness. Light displayed the emotions with such openness that I almost questioned what I was observing. He never demonstrated emotions as honestly as he was doing at that moment. It wasn't like him at all.
It was difficult to perceive, but another feeling was also churning away behind his irises. It was barely noticeable, but I observed it nonetheless and became even more concerned and confused as I recognized what it was.
It was rage.
I wasn't able to concentrate on it for long though, because Light continued speaking.
"You're right that school has been keeping me preoccupied and overwhelmed." Light paused for a second and faintly smiled. "The entrance exam prep is more strenuous than I thought."
His smile instantly faltered and he slowly continued, "But you're also right about those boys."
He slowly breathed in and discreetly tilted his face further towards one side of his room. He didn't make eye contact.
"As soon as those guys started to walk home with me, I realized what staunch Kira followers they were. And how fiercely opposed and...unfriendly they are towards students who are against Kira. I listened to them, deeply disturbed by their views and actions. I couldn't believe that classmates of mine could think and do such things."
Light paused, his brow crinkling with concern and his frown becoming even more pronounced with sadness.
"You know me though, Etsuko. I couldn't just be silent. I wasn't about to give up on them and let them believe that Kira was some kind...I don't know, some kind of 'saviour.'" Light vehemently spat out the word "saviour," as if it was tainted by sharing the same sentence with Kira's name.
I muttered timidly, "So, you've tried talking to them? Have tried to change their minds on Kira?"
Light nodded firmly, shifting his head a fraction upwards, his eyes aimed towards the ceiling. "I've tried to reach out to them, have tried to convince them of the evils of Kira. But they haven't turned from their pro-Kira views. Not yet at least."
Light sighed heavily and brushed the hair away from his eyes. His pupils were visibly coloured with heavy, dark hues of disappointment and unease. I softly gasped at his display of such exposed emotion.
It wasn't like him at all...at all.
"I have been worrying about them and have been preoccupied with trying to figure out how to reach out to them effectively. Combined with the commitments I have towards school, I have been...busy and, therefore, seem to be distant, as you put it."
There it was. I had my answer. My answer as to why he had been acting the way he had been recently: He was busy with completing school work and eagerly trying to convert Kira supporters. It was what I had suspected, and now I knew for sure.
But I wasn't completely satisfied. There was one more crucial concern weighing on my mind.
As if Light could read my mind (or maybe he was just reading my openly exposed face that had worry written all over it), he attempted to answer my silent question of whether those students were treating him decently or not.
"Don't worry, Etsuko...I can handle them." Light broke eye contact and looked away towards a corner of his room.
There it was...an answer. Sort of. But I didn't feel any relief.
His elusive answer was completely overshadowed by his actions. His constrained tone of voice and diverted gaze answered my question loud and clear.
And the answer was anything but comforting. Because it wasn't an answer.
It was a lie.
Light was lying to me. All it took was the shifted eye contact, the restricted tone of voice, the fidgeting in his chair for me to recognize that he wasn't being truthful regarding the boys' treatment towards him. I knew that it was the only part of his account that he would feel compelled to lie about. Light would feel embarrassed and weak if he confessed that he was being bullied, or even if he was simply being bothered, by his fellow students. And so he lied, saying that he could "handle them."
He's being bullied by them. I just know it. And he's denying it straight to my face.
I had wondered why he had been so uncharacteristically willing to discuss a somewhat more sensitive and personal issue in his life, why he had allowed his emotions to be so exposed, and now I thought I knew why. Perhaps he had thought that by demonstrating eagerness to discuss and explain his recent unusual behaviour, he had hoped that I would be satisfied and would accept the restrained answer he had just offered me. That I would be content with the earlier details he had so emotionally and eagerly offered, without prying further about the boys and their treatment towards him.
Maybe he has been lying to me this whole time. No, that doesn't make sense. Why would he do that? All I know is that he's not telling me the truth, not telling me the whole story about those boys. And he doesn't want to worry me. Sorry, Light. But you've already worried me. You're continuing to worry me.
As I studied Light's face as he began to talk about the entrance exam for To-Oh University, I began to detect only one thing in his overly pleasant voice, in his shifting eyes, and from his unsettled being.
It was the suffocating presence of intense secrecy. A deeply tucked away secret that he was desperately trying to hide. And the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if it was just the boys' treatment that he was hiding and lying about, or if there was something more. Something even more dreadful and harmful that was hurting him.
Not only are those boys bullying him (you still don't know for sure -), but there could be something more. Something more.
I felt a shiver plunge down my spine and I sucked in a shaky breath. I suddenly felt like my mind had wandered out into open water, where dangerous thoughts and ideas lurked. My concern for Light had ventured out too far and now I trembled with the thought of something more plaguing my cousin. What that was I had no idea, but the very suggestion of something more made me feel slightly nauseous and light headed.
I was wrong...talking to Light has only opened up a new worrying possibility. The possibility of there being something more. Those boys may only be the tip of the iceberg of what he's hiding, of what he's lying about.
"Etsuko? Are you alright?"
My eyes focused on Light. He was staring at me, looking slightly concerned. I realized that I hadn't been listening to him. I tried to wrack my mind of what he had been talking about, but my mind drew a blank.
"I...um, yeah, I'm-"
"You haven't been listening to me," Light softly interrupted, a sad smile on his face.
I looked down and shook my head. Light got up from his seat and began sorting things on his desk.
"That's alright. I'm sure you've had a long day and are tired. I understand," Light remarked patiently, but I knew what he really meant by his words.
In other words, you want me to leave your room, right? You've given me an answer, made small talk that I haven't listened to, and am now ready to dismiss me. Fine. You're right. I am tired. But there's one more thing I need to say to you before I depart for my room to worry the night away.
"Light?"
My cousin turned away from his desk and faced me. I slowly breathed out as I slung my bag across my shoulder and made an effort to stare into his eyes, to not break eye contact.
"You know that you can tell me anything, right? Anything at all. That if something, or someone, is bothering you, you can tell me and I won't judge you at all. That I'm here for you, just like you've been there for me in the past. You know that, right?"
For a moment, Light remained frozen, his face expressionless and his body rigid, as if he was uncertain on how he should react to my statement. The next moment though, he had plastered a confident smirk on his face and his eyes shone with reassurance. He placed his hands on my shoulders.
His voice was soft and comforting as he spoke. "Of course, Etsu. I know that I can tell you anything. I know I can trust you. But everything's alright. Really."
He sounded genuine. He looked sincere. I should have been able to believe him. But all I could think about was the lie he told me, the secret that he was keeping from me. Something that he couldn't even tell me, his trusted cousin. Something that was still churning endlessly behind his eyes, that was burning away in his mind. Something. Something more.
I left Light's room and returned to my own. I sunk down on my bed, feeling heavy with exhaustion and sore with anxiety. My eyes skimmed over the tiny cracks in the ceiling as I fiddled with my book bag zipper. My eyes tried to find a pattern with the flaws in the plaster, while my mind tried to find reason within the conversation I had just had with Light. I struggled to determine if I had been more concerned going into the conversation, or if I was currently more worried after encountering him.
I rolled over in bed and hugged my pillow. My stomach flipped-flopped and my head pounded. The confusion and anxiety continuously and viciously swirled within me, straining my stomach and head. If I didn't release those feelings somehow, they would overflow and I would...
I sat up and began to unpack my book bag. I had thought that talking would have solved things, would have settled my worries. I had tried with Fumiko and that had led to trouble and embarrassment. I had tried with Light and that had led to more worry and confusion. Talking just didn't work.
But keeping it inside is killing me as well. It hurts and it's nauseating and it will just keep building and building until...
I heavily sighed and rubbed my right temple, trying to reduce the minor headache I had that was rapidly becoming a massive one.
Another thought struck me. Talking hadn't worked so far, but perhaps I had just not found the right person yet to talk to.
The NPA general phone line card slipped past my fingers as I unloaded my textbooks onto my desk. I bent to pick it up from the floor, briefly gazing at the number listed on the card.
Talk to the police? You had your chance and it's not like they could have done anything. Besides, your worries aren't big and substantial enough for the police. And you know it.
I snorted softly and tossed the card into my garbage can. I flopped back down on my bed and stared outside my window.
I need someone who I can trust, but who isn't really involved in this whole situation. Someone who will listen and won't judge the concerns I have. Someone who I may be able to pressure into keeping what I say confidential and won't tell anyone. Someone who isn't intimidating and –
I sat up abruptly, remnants of words I had heard only about an hour ago suddenly becoming blaringly present in my memory.
"Matsuya and Ginza station. Banchi 21."
"Are you alright, Etsuko?"
"All...this is confidential."
"...just in case something else pops up."
I left my room, padded down the hallway, entered the kitchen, and got an apple out of the fruit bowl on the counter. I munched on it as I leaned against the counter, a mixture of thoughts swirling within my mind.
I tossed the apple core away and slowly made my way back to my room, feeling as if I needed to have things settled by the time I reached my bedroom door.
I entered my room and plunked myself down in my desk chair. I took out a pencil and paper. I got ready to write. I hesitated. I placed the pencil back. I took it back and was poised to write. I hesitated again and then returned the pencil and paper and pushed in my chair.
I got ready for bed, all the while the same thoughts (and plans) spinning and spinning within my head.
This is crazy. It won't work. But maybe it will. Doesn't have to be formal. Really short and casual. This is crazy. It won't work. But maybe it will. Maybe it will.
I turned off the light and crawled under the covers. I lay there, awake and alert. Thinking and debating. Feeling stupid and hopeful. Feeling worried and relieved. Wondering and questioning.
I would sleep on it. Only morning would tell if I was going to go through with it or not. Only going through with it would tell me if I was heading for a satisfying end or a disastrous beginning.
...
A/N: So, I know that I said that L would be featured in this chapter, but I had to cut this chapter short in order for me to get it done in time before I leave for my trip. I am off to England for three weeks (maybe I'll hunt down Wammy's House lol) and haven't started on the next chapter yet, so my next update may take quite a bit. I do have the next chapter all plotted out though, so hopefully that will make writing it easier. As always, I would love to hear your feedback, especially since this chapter was pretty difficult to write (for whatever reason).