Plot, new characters, new magical terms and abilities etc. are my intellectual property. If you want to borrow then please kindly ask. JK Rowling's characters and Wizarding Universe are all uniquely hers.

Summary: It is the height of the 1st War and Severus Snape is determined to survive it and carve out his own destiny with the one person who trusts him unreservedly. Alternate Universe.

Supernatural/Drama/Angst/Spiritual/Romance/Horror

This story is rated R/M. It is very intense and for mature readers only.

A Love Before Time (REPOST)

Chapter 004: Total Eclipse

'Please….' Rowan moaned deliriously. 'Oh God, please…'

She had been in labour for just over 24 hours. The contractions had started around when she empathically felt the Cruciatus Curse that was no doubt being meted out to Severus. At the time she could only wonder what he'd done such that he was so close to death. All thoughts of that were lost to her now as she fought to live.

'It will be alright,' Lupin whispered as he bathed her forehead with a cool face cloth and then wiped her nose with a tissue. 'Come on – just a few more pushes…'

'I can't …' Rowan cried. 'I'm so tired…It hurts so much… I can't…noooooo….'

Her labour had been fraught with difficulty.

Madame Pomfrey had her hands full with the Potters in the Hollow and then she was back at Hogwarts tending to injured students and staff. Even the school with its formidable defense systems was not immune to Death Eater activity.

So Rowan was on her own. It seemed that as though the father of her child had abandoned her. Without understanding how, Lupin realised Rowan was in trouble and needed help.

Death Eater activity was at an all time frenzied pitch. The Headmaster had been right to assume that the day of the eclipse would be the most challenging to date for the Order. They had their hands full and resources were stretched thin. There wasn't even enough time for the Headmaster to be concerned that he was here – but Lupin hadn't been given much to do that was demanding. His official duties had long been over. Even so, there was no way this day would have passed without him spending whatever time he could with the woman he still loved.

'Severus,' Rowan moaned. 'I'm sorry – I'm sorry I wasn't good enough…'

The tissue dropped to the floor in a gentle arc of backflips as Lupin's head slowly cocked to the side. Time seemed to slow down. The room was beginning to grow dark and cold. The eclipse was underway and would reach totality soon.

What did she just say?

'Severus… Severus… Why don't you love me anymore?'

Rowan was sweating profusely and her breathing was laboured.

'Why do you love her instead of me?'

Severus?

Lupin shook his head.

No!

Snape.

Severus Snape.

Severus Snape was the father of Rowan's child?

'Severus – please… please come back to me! I need you! I loved you so much!'

Yes.

Severus Snape was the father of Rowan's child – and the man who had her heart.

…xXxXxXx…

Snape had been just about to take off for the outskirts of Godric's Hollow when Rosier appeared on his doorstep.

The hunchbacked young man looked around at the mountainous range that was Snowdonia National Park and then at the crumbling wreck that was assumed to be Snape's house from where he stood at the front gate.

The young Potions Master eyeballed his visitor as veins pulsed dangerously at his temples.

'I thought I told you my time is my own and to never darken my doorstep, Rosier!'

Rosier had a few habits; a few very bad habits that would land him in a shallow grave were he found out. Snape didn't want any part of his plots and schemes and made it a point to not know. If asked he wouldn't have to lie – and risk the same fate if Voldemort thought he'd been keeping secrets.

And now was definitely not the time to be side-lined by errant Death Eaters.

Rowan had to be more than ready to give birth by now – she needed him. And he needed her. He loved her and it was killing him to be apart from her especially given the day's activities.

'I…I'm in trouble!' Rosier hissed.

'Then you had better sort yourself out, hadn't you? Now, if you don't mind, I have other affairs to attend to…'

That was not exactly a lie. What Snape had needed to do for the Dark Lord was already completed and would be more than satisfactory. He just hadn't reported it to Malfoy yet. No doubt Malfoy was taking advantage of the eclipse to get his rocks off with the type of woman who would do anything to curry favour with the dark side. He despised them as much as he despised any other collaborators.

'Look – it's the Dementors! I need help! Everything was sorted as I was concerned…I thought once I had everything sewn up…The Dark Lord would be on his knees with gratitude!'

Snape arched an eyebrow. Only a dunderhead of the highest calibre would take on the Dementors at their own game. "The Dark Lord on his knees"…the man was beyond idiotic and clearly delusional.

'Let me guess: the Dark Lord did not send you to them as his envoy and you have been found out. Hence the trouble with your double-dealing I suppose; Anyone foolish and disrespectful enough to consider his Lordship in such terms deserves whatever troubles he has coming to him…' he said trying to sound as disinterested as possible.

That particular bit of play-acting was for the benefit of covering himself when the details of this situation were found out. Snape had no doubt the Dark Lord would enforce an accounting from him. No way was he not going to relay the fact that Rosier had come to him.

But damn it – this was the last thing they needed. One of the most feared of all Dark Creatures aligned against any Death Eater could be trouble for all of them. That was trouble Voldemort was definitely not going to be relieved to know about. And it meant that of all times, Snape had no choice but to act. He couldn't just sit on the sidelines being the brains of the operation.

'I need help! They're after me…and….and…'

'…and what?'

'I sort of… I suggested….'

'You proposed that you not only weren't acting alone; but that the Dark Lord would take them to task if they did not cooperate with whatever hair-brained scheme you put to them!'

'Um – something like that…but not the Dark Lord exactly…Malfoy too…sort of…' Rosier said as he stood quivering at Snape's gate. 'Look – it's getting dark out here – can I come in? Cool my heels for a while I warm up – knowwhatImean?

'No! No you most certainly cannot,' Snape roared. 'Damn you to hell for your incompetence!'

He whispered something into the end of his wand and then tapped it against the gate.

Within a few minutes there was a POP!

Lucius Malfoy was standing in front of them doing up his flies.

'There had better be a damned good excuse, Snape!' he hissed.

Of the two men only the Greasy Git was brave enough to enact a Dark Charm against him like that – and at a most delicate time.

'Rosier has created an – ahem – rather unfortunate situation Lucius.'

'And why should I care?'

'Because it would seem that he is in trouble with the Dementors. And so are you it would seem as your name was put to them by him. Guilt by association and all that rubbish…' Snape drawled smoothly. 'You are now known to the Dementors along with our colleague as a Death Eater – acting on behalf of the Dark Lord.'

'WHY YOU BUMBLING – IDIOTIC – STUPID…!' Malfoy roared as he turned five shades of red and then purple. 'AVADA….'

'There is no time for that, Lucius. We must see the Dark Lord – and quickly!' Snape hissed as he put a restraining hand on Malfoy's arm. 'I would imagine he wouldn't appreciate you snuffing one of his most valued servants without his knowledge – regardless of how justified you would be in doing so! He must be appraised of this situation, by you and Rosier. He needs all the details first-hand.'

The young aristocrat moved his head as if to get rid of a cramp in his neck.

'Excellent point, my dear boy. Rosier, consider yourself lucky that you have about another 10 minutes of life left!'

'The Dark Lord,' Rosier croaked. 'But…but…surely…'

'No 'Buts',' Malfoy said darkly. 'You made your bed and now you will lie in it. I will not see all that I have worked for fall apart because of the likes of you! This will serve as a lesson to anyone who dares think they can take liberties in the name of our Lord!'

He looked at Snape.

'He confessed everything to you – you will accompany us!'

'I expected as much, Lucius,' Snape replied coolly. 'By your command.'

'But you had something to do…something that needed my help, right?' Rosier said giving Snape a look the young Potions Master pretended to not see. 'You looked like you were going somewhere when I arrived!'

'Only to file my report with Lucius.'

'Ah – mission accomplished then?' Malfoy asked, clearly relieved.

'Indeed. The Dark Lord should be more than satisfied.'

'Well – at least there is something to offer as leverage rather than going straight in with bad news!'

Snape nodded his agreement.

But deep inside he was reeling with anger and dismay.

Once again circumstances had conspired to keep him from the woman he loved, and now more than ever when he was certain she needed him.

…xXxXxXx…

'AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!' Rowan roared deliriously as she gave another push.

She was sweating so much that her nightgown and the bed clothes were soaked through.

'Make it stop…please make it stop…' she whimpered.

'Goddess help us please…I don't know what else to do!' Lupin rasped as he tried to get her to not pass out.

The woman he loved was in distress. It looked like she and her baby were dying. There was so much blood – he'd never seen anything like it before and it made his stomach churn. Rowan was hanging on by the thinnest of threads. He couldn't think about the blood – only about doing what he could to save her and her baby.

'I can see his head, Rowan; we're almost home…just one more push…'

'Remus?'

'Yes…It's Remus. I'm here… do it for me, Rowan. One more push for me…'

'For you?' she croaked faintly.

'Yes, for me. One more push and I promise you – everything will be alright.'

The young werewolf held a glass of water to her lips.

After taking two small sips Rowan steeled herself for what she knew would be her last try.

'AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!'

Lupin reached inside and gently helped her son be born into the chaos of the wizarding world. The baby was bluish. There was an obstruction in his mouth and he cleared it with his fingers. A gentle tap on his rear and the small baby boy began to cry. He lost the blue hue from not having enough oxygen and Lupin placed him on his mother's chest for a few moments.

'Welcome to our world, John,' Rowan whispered quietly as she stroked his black hair and then a dainty cheek.

She looked at his little hands, fingers, feet and toes in wonderment, the only moment of lucidness she'd had in the last 17 hours.

'John?' Lupin whispered.

Rowan smiled faintly.

'John Lucas Morgause,' she said faintly before passing out cold.

Remus John Lupin cleaned up his namesake and placed him in the bassinet across from the bed. Once he was certain little John was resting peacefully he turned his attention to the baby's mother.

He sent the Order of the Phoenix equivalent of an SOS into the dark sky for Madam Pomfrey.

After an agonising 20 minutes the Mediwitch appeared along with Professor Dumbledore.

'Remus? What's wrong?' she asked.

'Remus – what are you doing here?' asked the Headmaster even though he already knew the answer to his question.

'It's Rowan,' he said heatedly as he gestured to the wan figure in the now clean bed. 'The birth – it was so difficult Poppy…there was so much blood… You had your hands full I know – but Rowan needed me… I don't know how I knew it, but she needed me!'

'The afterbirth?'

'Over there – the blue container.'

Madam Pomfrey examined Rowan and then looked at the afterbirth.

'Good Heavens! It's a wonder she even managed to carry to term let alone survive the birth… You did a good job. They'd both be dead if it wasn't for you… It's never easy for an Empath to carry to term. This is fate, this is.'

The Mediwitch set to work administering an intricate series of potions and medicharms. After a half hour colour returned to Rowan's cheeks and her breathing was steady.

'Will she be alright?'

'Right as rain – just give her these every 3 hours for the next couple of days...'

Lupin nodded as he took the medicines and placed them on the bedside table.

Just then there was a small mewing sound. Little John was awake. Before Professor Dumbledore could say a thing the young werewolf had picked him up and sat in the rocking chair next to the bassinette. The Mediwitch conjured a bottle of warm milk and handed it over silently. She watched silently as Lupin fed and then burped the baby while singing to him.

'You've certainly got the right touch,' she said gently as she tucked the blanket back to get a closer look. 'Look at that hair – what a head of hair that boy has. Just like Harry …Neville is as bald as a Quaffle!'

'Harry and Neville?'

'Dearie me – where is my mind… Lily gave birth this morning… Harold James Potter. They're calling him Harry for short. Alice…well… she managed to deliver. The grandmother has named him Neville…she'll be taking him home tomorrow…'

Lupin started rocking as he sang to John. He looked at him so tenderly and with a father's longing that it broke Madam Pomfrey's heart to watch them together. The baby slowly opened his eyes and yawned.

'The wee tyke has his mother's eyes – but the look of him…seems more than a bit familiar…' the Mediwitch said in amazement. 'I just can't put my finger on it.'

'Severus Snape…' he murmured. 'Severus Snape is his father.'

Professor Dumbledore peered at him over his half-moon spectacles.

'And what makes you think that, Remus?'

'Because Rowan called out for him when she was delirious from fever and pain. All she wants is to know why he doesn't love her anymore; why he loves someone else. She's sorry she wasn't good enough!'

The old wizard looked at the crestfallen werewolf and sat on the sofa next to Madam Pomfrey watching him care for his enemy's son. For one of the few times in his life the Headmaster was at a loss for words. Nothing he could say would make any bit of difference.

'What's the baby's name,' asked Madam Pomfrey.

'John – John Lucas Morgause…'

'John; and Lucas?'

'Lucas was her twin brother – he was delivered stillborn… John is my middle name…she named him after me…'

The Headmaster and the Mediwitch sat in silence. Neither had known about the deceased twin. And naming him John after one of Snape's sworn enemies – well that was a rather interesting turn of events.

The Headmaster was keen to question his former student about what Rowan had said about Snape – but that would tip his hand considerably. He couldn't do it. Too much was at risk.

'She did have rather a huge crush on Severus Snape at school; after you broke up,' said Madam Pomfrey coming to the rescue though she did not know it. 'But I seriously doubt that he is the father. After all – he did not tolerate Muggles or Muggle-borns. He most certainly would not sire a child with one!'

Lupin looked up from the sleeping baby in his arms.

'You think so?'

'I know so…'

Lupin wasn't convinced.

'Let it lie, Remus. Suffice it to say the baby's father is not Severus Snape and is otherwise occupied,' Professor Dumbledore said as he peered over his glasses. 'Such speculation is dangerous in these times. I trust you will not speak of this ever again.'

The young werewolf sniffed. Once again he was not being told the truth. Even after all this – he still was not trusted.

'It is best for all concerned that the identity of the child's father not be known,' the Headmaster said gently. 'The lives of Rowan, the child and especially the child's father depend upon it.'

'Fine,' Lupin said tersely.

But no matter what the Headmaster said, he was firmly convinced the baby in his arms was Severus Snape's.

…xXxXxXx…

Voldemort had pressed him into service immediately upon his return with Malfoy and Rosier after almost killing him once again. He was making a potion – one that he knew had to be a killing potion. But this one – this was for some special purpose that he was not privy to – not just yet.

Just when it seemed Snape would be given a reprieve and could finally go back to Godric's Hollow, the Dark Lord informed him otherwise a few weeks later near the end of August.

'I have a little job for you, Snape, since you cling so tenaciously and stubbornly to life,' Voldemort hissed. 'Something for which you alone are uniquely qualified.'

'By your command, you Lordship,' came an even reply as Snape struggled to remain standing. He still hadn't fully recovered from the torture curses that had been applied to him.

'You are to go to the Monastery of Tsongkapa. They have a botanical which would be most useful. You will recognise it by its royal blue colouring. You are to secure a few flasks and bring them directly to me. Do not return without them.'

'Tsongkapa…that is in…Tibet – is it not? It is thought to be a magical peak parallel to Everest…not even the Muggle Dalai Lama himself has ever managed to locate let alone access it.'

The Dark Lord laughed and it was everything that Snape could do to keep his legendary cool.

'I knew of any here, you would be the right man for the job.'

Snape nodded almost imperceptibly. He was given an order and had no choice but to carry it out. Whether or not he was the only won to have taken it on was another story – but not something he would dare question.

'You are to leave at once,' said Voldemort.

'Of course, your Excellency.'

'Oh, there is just one more thing,' the Dark Lord said idly.

'Yes my Lord?'

'You will travel to and scale to the peak without the aid of your wand.'

Snape was a master at hiding his incredulity as he watched Malfoy flick his Ebony and Ivory wand through his fingertips.

'I must carry out this task without my wand Sir,' he said tersely.

Voldemort glowered slightly.

'You have one year, no more. You must return to me within the hour no later than 12 months from now. And woe betides you should you fail!'

'Of course, your Excellency. By your command.'

'You may go!'

Snape turned coolly on his heels after bowing slightly and departed as quickly as he dared after collecting the few belongings he had from the Potions Lab.

But to send him out like a common Muggle with no magic to aid him; he was being tested and punished all at the same time. And he knew why.

It was because Rowan still lived and she was bringing a new life into their world.

…xXxXxXx…

'Is he alright?' asked Rowan quietly after they had cleared away the dishes from their Christmas dinner.

'A real trooper; just like his mum.'

Rowan smiled as she watched her ex-boyfriend change her son's diaper in the moonlight of the baby's room.

'You'll be a great father one day.'

Her voice trailed off. It was pointless to say such a thing knowing that it was highly unlikely that any woman would take a romantic interest in a werewolf. Lupin couldn't even get a job thanks to the decrees against his kind in place by the Ministry of Magic. He was dependent on yields from the farm on which he'd grown up and any odd jobs he could get here and there. But the long and short of it was that he was always rejected first and foremost because of what he was.

Lupin didn't look at her as he put a sleeping costume on the baby.

'Remus – I'm sorry – I didn't – I wasn't thinking.'

'It's alright,' he said quietly. 'I'd love to be a father…looking after you and John…it's been great.'

Rowan stood and walked over to the young werewolf as he put the baby down to sleep.

'He looks so much like Severus; just like I knew he would,' she thought to herself fleetingly as she touched his black hair and not-so-delicate nose.

It had been seven months since she had last seen the father of her child. She had only seen the Headmaster once since the baby was born. There were worrying reports about several showdowns between the Death Eaters and various Dark Creatures; but there was no way to find out for certain what had happened to Severus. The homestead in Wales had been dark and empty since at least since the day of the eclipse. Professor Dumbledore had told her to get on as best she could without expectation. He hadn't heard from Severus either.

'You're the only father he knows,' Rowan said softly as she watched Lupin adjusting the blankets and making sure everything was just right.

The young werewolf turned to her in the glow of moonshine streaming through the windows in the room. For one brief moment he was so tempted to take her in his arms.

'His father will be back soon enough. You'll see.'

'No – he's gone. I won't ever see him again. He belongs to someone else now.'

'Rowan...'

'Don't Remus. I know there is someone else. Whoever she is – she is welcome to him… I was wrong – about a lot of things I guess.'

But even though Rowan was trying to convince herself of that, the only man who would ever really have her heart was Severus Snape.

…xXxXxXx…

Snape frowned as he made his way up the icy peaks of a vast mountain range in Tibet on Valentine's Day. The young Potions Master had to make his way around the world and back without the benefit of magic or very much money. It had taken all of his Slytherin cunning and a heavy dose of good luck to get him this far.

Tsongkapa was indeed magically concealed and it was even higher than Everest. It was most fortunate indeed that he was a Potions Master – he was able to prepare a potion with supplies taken from the lab and various ingredients acquired during his journey that allowed him to make it to this sacred place. Snape had always had a keen interest in Shamanism, a Muggle spiritual practice frowned upon in the Wizarding world. He now understood why – Such abilities rivalled those of the Wizarding world.

From what he had managed to find out so far the blue flower to be found here might be useful to the Dark Lord in his latest series of transformations in his bid for immortality. It seemed that no form of horrible was horrible enough.

But Snape also suspected there were other uses for this plant. He was keen learn what he could without compromising himself. He had a strong hunch that it was the key ingredient for this latest Killing Potion that the Dark Lord wanted very badly.

It had taken just over a month, but finally he reached the summit where the monastery was located just as the sun was beginning to set one day in mid-March.

The monks refused to give him what he had travelled so far for in the beginning.

'I will give you something far more valuable: a warning for the one who sent you,' said the interpreter for the Monastery.

'And that is?'

'This quest he would do well to abandon; it will be his downfall.'

'I value my life far too much to impart such a thing…'

'So be it.'

'Professor Snape,' came a strange, almost ethereal voice.

Who its owner was he could not say; the only light in the room was trained on the interpreter.

'I am no such thing.'

A figure stepped into the light and smiled enigmatically. His eyes were milky white. A site which, truth be told, was quite unnerving.

The old man surveyed the young Potions Master carefully.

'The ways of your kind will not help you in a battle between your Angel and the Ghost…'

Snape's legendary composure did not betray him even in this moment.

'Who are you and what do you mean by that?'

'All in time, Professor.'

…xXxXxXx…

The monks let Snape bed down for the night. He listened to the hushed murmurs of their voices throughout the night as he drifted in and out of consciousness. He would not allow himself a comfortable slumber in strange surroundings and especially when he was on a mission for Lord Voldemort.

For the monks to be debating through the night his presence was most definitely significant. Theirs was a Silent Order. All had taken vows to not speak unless it was absolutely and critically necessary. Silence was necessary in achieving the perfect balance of Chi energy, they thought. Snape's presence and his request in particular had upset that balance. He could only wonder how these Shaman knew of Lord Voldemort and seemed to know for what purpose he wanted the plant he'd been sent for.

The next morning just before sunrise there was a gentle knocking at his door and a lone very old monk entered, putting a thin finger to his lips. It was the man with the milky white eyes from the evening before.

'I do not have much time,' he whispered in the darkness.

All around them there was an unearthly silence.

Snape did not speak and merely gestured for him to come closer.

'I am not here for the one who sent you, Professor. I am here for you. He has already condemned himself and as such is not our concern. It is written in the Akashic records and it is so.'

Snape quirked an eyebrow, but wisely decided to remain silent.

'Life is a wheel and it turns eternally. Birth, Death and then rebirth. Death is not to be feared. It is but a passage to new life. Do you understand?'

Snape frowned slightly as he gave a slight nod.

'You are speaking of reincarnation yes?'

The monk nodded in affirmation.

'Each life has a purpose. The one who concerns you, she was not meant for you in this lifetime, and there will be great difficulty in her next life because of this.'

'WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!' Snape hissed as he grabbed the man by the throat. 'WHO PUT YOU UP TO THIS! Damn you I want some answers – NOW!'

With a slight gesture the young Potions Master was sent flying back against the wall. There was no mistaking who held the power in this situation.

'The ways of your world will not help you here Potions Master.'

Snape struggled to a sitting position. There was no mistaking his anger, but he knew he had no choice but to listen.

'It is not for you to know the finer details; but there will be help available to you when the time comes. Remember your time here, Professor, and all that I have put to you.'

'I am not a Professor; stop calling me that!'

The monk smiled enigmatically.

'All in time, Potions Master.'

…xXxXxXx…

'Listen mate,' Black said one cold evening in late March. 'I'm telling you – piece of cake this will be!'

Pettigrew narrowed his eyes. Black was certainly on the verge of handing over the Deputyship of Secret-Keeper, he was certain of it. One false move and he'd blow it. He needed to keep a cool head. The Dark Lord was growing impatient. His life depended on this.

'Dumbledore doesn't have anyone else who is up to the job, Sirius. Even he will have to face it…You'd be doing him a huge favour; he'd have no choice but to see that you are better suited for that type of mission…'

'Yeah – only one problem though: I can't do it AND be the Secret-Keeper…'

'Didn't you say that you hadn't seen Morgause in months?'

'I have better things to do than babysit!'

'You haven't even seen James and Lily as much as you used to following up your leads.'

'The leads I have been feeding you,' Pettigrew though fleetingly.

'Mmm hmm – that is a big problem.'

'Dumbledore won't tolerate you standing down.'

'Ahh – right you are. But if I had a Deputy…'

'But…but he's opposed to the idea! He didn't think much of it when he appointed you and you tested the water.'

'Dumbledore doesn't have to know,' Black said with a pointed look.

'Lupin would never agree too it,' Pettigrew said slyly.

'Eff Lupin – it was you I had in mind mate!'

'Me? Are you taking the piss?'

'Nope – never more serious in my life. Think about it – you've got the time, it's light work, no regular schedule or anything like that. The whole babysitting thing is only because James had this crazy thing about me being Harry's godfather! You don't even have to see them. It's not required. There is nothing to do – just conceal the secrets of the Order and that's it. Your life is your own; then you get the glory and the Order of Merlin when this is all over and at no risk to your own skin!'

'You really want to be gone from Harry that long? He's everything to you, I'm sure.'

'It's killing me to even be considering it…but this is ensuring his safety.'

'What about James?'

'No worries there. This is war – I can't there all the time. To be honest, I think James is surprised that I haven't bunked off before now… You know what he's like; don't sweat it mate.'

'Well – if the offer still stands… I would be honoured to be your Deputy, Sirius,' Pettigrew said with half closed eyes.

'Yeah?' Black said huskily.

He knew that look – or so he thought.

'Yeah,' Pettigrew said as he opened his robes.

The sight of him always took Black's breath away. No one would ever believe that Rat-Boy had so much going on beneath it all.

'How about a little celebration…' Wormtail whispered.

…xXxXxXx…

'Awwww Lily, he's beautiful,' Rowan said softly as she held the baby they called Harry in her arms on July 31st, their children's first birthday. 'I always knew you'd be a great mum…'

James and Remus were in the sitting room locked in a battle of Wizard's Chess.

'Ooooo loooook,' Lily cooed as Harry reached out to John and patted him on the head. In response John giggled and poked Harry on his forehead between his eyes. Severus Snape's son then blinked and within a minute was bawling his eyes out pointing at Harry's forehead.

'Oh dear, better give him to me,' Rowan said quietly as she took her son and rocked him gently.

Her son was an Empath, of that she had no doubt. Even at his tender age that much was obvious.

'He's probably tired,' Lily said hesitantly as she watched the fretful baby cry softly.

'Yeah – he hasn't had his nap today. It's his bed time soon.'

'I'll go get Remus…'

'Let them finish their game. John will be alright.'

Lily nodded. Harry hit her playfully on the nose and she cooed at him. Her son looked at her with his bright green eyes and gave her a big smile as he began to play with her hair after banging a hand in his birthday cake.

'So Rowan – how are things with you and Remus?' his mother grinned as she took some cake out of her hair and popped it into her son's mouth.

Rowan sighed as Harry giggled.

'I… I'm so torn Lily,' she said hoarsely. 'I don't know what to do…'

'What does your heart tell you?'

'That he is good, kind – he's everything I ever wanted. But so was Severus…until…'

Lily tried to choose her words carefully.

'Well – they are only dreams Rowan. It's just because of the situation you're in; not seeing him for all these months. It's not like you didn't know what was at stake here. You don't know for sure that he's run off with some girl... That just doesn't sound like him to be honest.'

'But…' Rowan said knowingly.

'He's never been gone this long – you said it yourself. There was always the chance that he might not come back. You have to get on with your life Rowan.'

'What if he comes back Lily, eh? What if he comes back? He hasn't died – I would know if he had – I would! I know I would!'

'What if he doesn't! You want to spend your whole life waiting for something that's not going to happen? You can't know everything Rowan. Even Seers have been known to get things wrong!'

Lily shifted Harry to her other arm and let him play with her necklace. The little boy twisted around so he could see John and reached his arms out to him. His little friend was still fretful with tears streaming down his face clinging to his mother. John reached out a hand towards Harry and began to cry loudly once more.

'You still love Remus and the only thing keeping you two apart is you, Ro…'

Tears started streaming down Rowan's face and she choked back a sob.

'It hurts, Lily. It hurts so much… I wish I didn't have feelings for Remus…but I do…and it's tearing me apart… because I still want Severus – I love him so much! But…I guess…I need to move on…it's not fair to Remus to carry on like this… I'll talk to him when we get home…'

Before Lily could answer the kitchen door banged open.

'It was just dumb luck,' James sulked as he strode in with Remus right behind him.

'You wish – smooth skills old chap, smooth skills,' Lupin laughed. 'I got you fair and square!'

He stopped short at the sight of Rowan and John crying.

'Rowan – what's wrong?'

'I think its past time for our boys to be put down for the night,' James said quietly, paying heed to the look Lily gave him.

'Yeah – we don't want to be out especially when it gets dark,' Remus said quietly. He saw the looks exchanged between the Potters. No doubt Lily and Rowan had been talking about the situation between he and Rowan.

Remus collected John's things. Once he and Rowan were ready he silenced John with a sleeping charm and then Disillusioned them all.

Once again, James and Lily watched from their darkened kitchen as their gate opened and then closed though no one seemed to be there.

James sighed.

'She still holding out for…whoever?'

'I don't think she's turned that corner. It's been more than a year since she's seen him. I don't think he's run off with someone else; but I can't see that he is coming back either. She just has to get on with her life. She'd going to sort it out with Remus tonight…I guess…'

Far from looking happy James looked very uncertain.

'Honey? What's wrong? You haven't said much since they left,' Lily asked once they were in bed and Harry was put down for the night in his nursery.

'I don't know – just a feeling I have… No matter how great it would be for Remus and for Rowan too – I think the whole situation is just...'

'Doomed…' came a quiet answer in the darkness.

…xXxXxXx…

'No – stay…' Rowan said quietly. She reached out and gently touched Remus' arm as they sat together in her sitting room. 'You don't have to go.'

The young werewolf swallowed.

It was now or never.

'Rowan,' Lupin said gently. 'It's been over a year now…and we have gotten on really well, the three of us… but there is this dark cloud hanging over our heads – you aren't getting over him…and I can't go on for the rest of our lives pretending that I am happy to sit by and just be friends.'

'Love that's real never really dies Remus. That's why I still love you even after all this.'

'It's different to him though, isn't it?'

'Yes, it most definitely is, ' she answered resignedly.

Lupin turned away.

'It's not that he is better than you or you are better than him; you are both different and the relationships are different. Things are not the same as when we came back into each other's lives… I need to move on… and make the most of what little time I have left.'

'Rowan – please – let's not start that again, ok?'

'Alright; I'm sorry.'

Rowan leaned over and kissed him gently. His mouth opened slightly and she eased in her tongue engaging his in a sensuous dance that sent his heart racing.

'Rowan…'

Lupin disengaged himself and turned away once more.

'I'm sure…' she whispered. 'You are the only thing I am sure about right now!'

Lupin turned to her in the glow of moonshine streaming through the windows in the room.

'Do you think you could ever find it in your heart to be with me…a proper family…? I know I'm not his real father…I know a werewolf isn't exactly…'

'Shush,' Rowan said softly as she placed a finger to his lips.

Lupin pulled her into his arms and kissed her with all the pent-up emotions he'd had to hold back since coming back into her life. Rowan returned his passion and savoured the warmth of his tongue against hers.

They pulled away from each other – just enough to catch their breath. Rowan took Lupin's hand and led him to her bedroom and the bed she had never shared with her baby's father.

Their hands shook so badly they could hardly take their clothes off. Conscious that she didn't have a perfect body, Rowan tried to hide herself. Lily had dropped all her baby weight and looked as together as ever, a complete contrast to her.

'Don't look at me; I'm so hideous...' she whispered, failing to hide her embarrassment.

'You aren't Rowan…I hate it when you say things like that. You are everything to me…you always were.'

Lupin gave into his long-dormant passion and moved on top of her as they lay together under the covers. Rowan trembled as he entered her and they began to make love. She and Remus were different people now – and their lovemaking was different to what she remembered.

'Gods – we should be careful…' he whispered as he pulled out reluctantly. 'We're not teenagers anymore.'

'!t's a bit late for that, don't you think,' Rowan whispered as he held her.

'We…we can't get so caught up in wanting each other such that we don't think it through properly… and look after things…and there is everything else to consider… Everything is happening so fast.'

'I have been thinking of nothing else for two months, Remus… And I thought about it a lot – even back then… I was always prepared for you… but you gave up on me.'

Lupin looked at her tenderly. He knew that Rowan most definitely wasn't bullshitting him. If ever there was someone who thought things through it was her. Sometimes she thought too much and couldn't just relax and be.

Rowan turned onto her back and once again he moved on top of her. Lupin stroked her hair away from her face and back off her forehead. They kissed and he gave into all the dreams that had haunted him.

'I have wanted this for so long,' he whispered as they began to make love once more.

Rowan remained silent as she pulled him deeper.

…xXxXxXx…

Lupin woke up to find he was alone. He quickly put on his clothes, knowing implicitly that he wouldn't be staying the rest of the night.

He went into the nursery, and sure enough Rowan was fast asleep in the rocking chair. He looked down at the sleeping form of John in the dimness of the room. There was no mistaking who his father was.

'This isn't right,' he thought to himself. 'Nothing about this is right. She still wants him; no matter what she feels for me – it's him she wants.'

'Rowan,' he said as he gently shook her awake. 'Rowan, you need to wake up.'

'Hmmph? Whah…Oh, Remus…I guess I fell asleep.'

'Yes, you did.'

Lupin helped her to stand up and they went into the hallway. He looked at her silently as she wiped the sleep from her eyes.

'Why…are you dressed?' she asked as her eyes focused.

'I don't think there is any point to me staying; do you?' he said resignedly.

'You don't have to go, Remus.'

'Rowan – you tried. But it's not going to work between us – that much is obvious. I woke up and you were gone. And not even sleeping downstairs – you were with your son – his son.'

Rowan moved silently past him and went downstairs to the kitchen. She lit the candle holder on the table and sorted out tea for them both as Lupin took a seat.

'You still want to be with him Rowan, don't you?'

Rowan turned her cup in her hands. Tears started to fall as she nodded in agreement.

'Love that's real never really dies, Remus. You and I…we were always kindred spirits. But him – he's my soulmate; and if I don't know anything else I know that… But soulmates aren't always meant to be together.'

'It's Snape, isn't it? Severus Snape is John's father. He looks just like him. Even James can see it – though he won't come right out and say much about it.'

'Remus…I…can't!'

'It's OK, Ro. Dumbledore knows what's best. He's looking after you and I trust that he knows what he's doing,' Lupin said as he stood to leave.

'Don't leave it like this. It's the middle of the night… and it's not safe.'

'It's never a good time…things being what they are.'

'Look, you can leave in the morning if that's what you want. Just don't go like this – in the middle of the night.'

Lupin sighed.

'OK – I'll stay down here.'

Rowan summoned a blanket and pillows from the linen closet upstairs and fixed the sofa in the sitting room for him.

Once she had gone back to bed Lupin lay awake in the darkness. He turned it over and over in his head. As much as he loved Rowan, she didn't love him the same way back. There was just no getting around that. But even as he faced that undeniable truth he also realised that he didn't want to lose her. But how could they possibly go back to being friends after what had just happened between them?

…xXxXxXx…

The next morning Rowan was the first to rise.

She came downstairs and lay the baby in his crib in the sitting room so she could easily keep an eye on him. Suddenly she became aware that she was being watched.

'I'm sorry Remus.'

'So am I Rowan. So am I,' he said hoarsely.

John began to stir. His face crumpled up and he began to cry. He looked over at the young werewolf and reached out an arm to him.

'Here, let me,' Remus said quietly as he walked over and picked up his namesake.

The infant began to quiet down and fell asleep with his surrogate father singing softly to him.

'He looks just like him you know. God knows what he'd do if he knew about us…and that his son relates to me like I'm his father.'

Rowan said nothing. She walked over to the bay window and sat. And cried. Gut-wrenching, heart-breaking sobs.

Lupin walked over with the baby and sat next to her.

'It's OK; we'll get through this. Honestly, we will.'

Rowan shook her head wildly.

'Come on – it's much too early to be up,' Lupin whispered.

He guided her back up the stairs and put the baby back down to sleep in the nursery. He tucked John in with his beloved Paddington Bear that had been his own when he was a child. Once he was sound asleep Lupin took Rowan by the hand and guided her back to the bedroom.

'I'm not ready to lose you again,' he admitted. 'I can't lose you…and John too'

Rowan started to speak.

'No,' Lupin admonished her quietly. 'No promises or platitudes; we just take things one day at a time; that's all we can do Rowan…'

He erred on the side of prudence and kept his boxers on and slid in next to her once she was in bed. Mentally the young werewolf damned himself to hell for being so bloody weak as he held her once more, but was resolved to see this situation through to its inevitable conclusion.