The normal conversation going on in the room suddenly ceased, and Jim realized their youngest member was describing what he had experienced this morning. No one interrupted as Chekov did.
"It vas… three years ago. We were in a shuttlecraft, traveling to a conference on Janus III. I was invited to participate due to a paper one of my professors submitted. It vas a great honor and I was allowed to bring my parents because I was a minor."
"We were all so excited. It was the first time we had traveled from Earth. It was only a few hours into the flight. My parents were resting in our quarters and I was in the food station, getting something to eat. I was fourteen and growing, so was always hungry." Considering that Chekov still seemed to eat meals equivalent to his body weight, that wasn't surprising.
"At the time I didn't know what had happened, but it was a simple piece of space debris the sensors did not register. There was a feeling of… impact? And all the doors to civilian quarters sealed off. All the people in the section of the ship were just … gone. My parents were gone."
"When we got to Janus III, I was taken off the ship but I saw it. Part of the hull was torn away. My parents were spaced when it happened, and for a long time I wish to have been too. "
"I have only a brother, Piotr, and he puts the blame to me for them dying. He won't speak to me, since the funeral. He refuses my messages always. "
"I was emancipated and finished school in Moscow. I came to Starfleet after because I want to be away. I have nothing left in Russia…"
He broke off into choked sobs. Sulu was instantly there with a hand patting Chekov's shoulder and a helpless look on his face. Uhura was on the other side of him, bent down near Pavel's ear and whispering comforting words in Russian.
For long awkward moments, Kirk poured drinks and began passing them around. Chekov gulped down what was put into his hand, and visibly calmed, looking flushed and embarrassed. Sulu kept his hand on the younger man's shoulder and began to speak himself.
"I feel stupid, because my worst memories weren't anything so terrible. I've been really lucky and had a good life, I guess. I just relived normal things mainly. There was my best friend dying when we were twelve years old. Her name was Demora and I still miss her. I wasn't there when she died, but I kept seeing it like I was during the attack this morning."
"Mainly it was seeing the debris of our fleet over Vulcan and trying to dodge Nero, and being afraid we were going to die because I wasn't a good enough pilot. I was dropping over Vulcan without a chute and realizing Kirk had grabbed on to me and it was going to be my fault that he died as well. Going back to the Academy and seeing my roommate and so many friends just… gone".
Hikaru's words tapered off and he sounded… lost.
"Just normal for all of us, right?"
Chekov leaned against Sulu's shoulder and fumbled a bit before grasping his friend's hand tightly. Kirk found himself wondering when and it his navigator and pilot would end up together as a couple. They were adorably obvious in their feelings for one another.
It was silent for a moment, other than the sound of glasses filling with liquid.
Jim hadn't expected Spock to feel the need to join in, and he doubted any of the others had either. He know what kind of memories Spock had experienced from their mind meld. He didn't expect Spock to share the torments of his childhood, but the Vulcan did make an attempt to describe some of his own pain.
"My own experience this morning focused on being helpless to prevent the destruction of my planet. The psychic reverberations of a telepathic race dying were understandably intense, and my mother…"
Spock glanced briefly at Sulu, who was still holding hands with Chekov.
"Like you Lieutenant, it is my most recent experience that had a strong effect on my being." Uhura moved beside Spock and gently touched her fingers to his. At first he pulled away, then he relaxed and gently allowed it. Apparently being drunk on chocolate let him do the Vulcan equivalent of making out with his ex-girlfriend.
It was Uhura who spoke next, and Spock allowed her to continue touching his hand as she spoke.
"There was a fire in our house when I was ten years old. I woke up smelling the smoke. Everything was dark and I could hear screaming. I still don't know how I made it out of the house with only minor burns, but my best friend was staying with us. I could hear her screaming from outside, but no one could reach her in time. I couldn't help her."
Uhura had spoken quietly, but suddenly began to sob at this point in the story. Spock looked horrified at the loss of emotional control, then patted her hand gently as she choked out a simple, "she died in the fire."
Uhura's panicked reaction to a recent fire in the engine room now seemed to make sense, and Jim filed the information that fire terrified her into something to consider during missions and emergency situations. He didn't need a key member of his crew incapacitated at the wrong time and he didn't want to torment her if putting her in a situation that reminded her of it was avoidable.
Uhura calmed herself and then looked slightly embarrassed. As a woman serving in the mostly male Starfleet, she had long ago learned to control her emotions more than her male counterparts in order to be accepted as equal. She didn't like being vulnerable in front of her other officers.
Uhura turned piercing eyes to Kirk and he suddenly wondered why he thought this bonding activity had been a good idea.
"So what's your story,… Jim?"
Laying on a charming smile, he feigned ignorance.
"Story, Nyota?"
She ignored the taunting use of her first name and pressed further.
"No one runs around having sex with every living being in the universe the way you do unless they're pretty fucked up, no offense."
"We've all laid our souls bare and it's only fair if you do the same." "What did you relive?"
Jim felt their eyes on his and faced a choice: tell the truth and mark himself forever in their eyes as one of the pitiful children who survived the Tarsus Massacre or tell a half truth and hope they wouldn't pry further.
He went with the half-truth. It was the logical choice.
"Fine, let's share", he said, refilling his glass and downing a shot of something that burned going down his throat. He knew by morning it would burn from his shouting out his nightmares instead and decided sleep might be overrated tonight.
"When I was a kid, I did something stupid and nearly got myself killed, 'cause I was pissed at my stepdad. My mom was off planet, my other family was… gone and I became a ward of the state. I was young enough to thing nothing bad could happen to me then. I learned differently."
The next part was harder though. How to explain what else happened in such a way that they couldn't connect the dots to Tarsus and Kodos?
"I didn't have anyone to look out for me. An adult took advantage of the fact that I was helpless to make me do some things I didn't want to do. I didn't have any choices, except running away. I spent a lot of time with other kids in a similar position, all of us just trying to survive. I was hungry a lot. I did what I could to survive."
"By the time I finally made it home to my mom, I wasn't some innocent kid anymore. I knew then I could survive anything, it just took awhile for me to want to."
He looked down and realized the hands holding his glass were shaking. Damn, it would be a rough night…And his description made it sound more like a foster parent had molested him than he had survived a genocide, but he hadn't had to outright lie, at least.
Uhura looked… ashamed, he guessed. She had needled Jim, but his response hadn't been what she had expected.
Chekov had his mouth opening to ask a question before Sulu shook his head not to. Spock looked as though he was calculating a physics equation the result had been unexpected. At least he hadn't corrected Jim's version of events in front of everyone. Apparently it contained enough partial truths to satisfy Vulcan honesty.
Kirk got up and began moving towards the exit. "I believe that concludes our little talking circle. I'd say it's been fun but I don't think that true for any of us. I do think we can trust each other not to speak of anything you heard tonight outside of our inner circle." With a small salute and sardonic smile, Jim called out "Sweet dreams" as he left.
He knew his abrupt departure would freak everyone out but he couldn't face them anymore. One more question, and he would break down and tell them everything, damn the consequences.
Jim all but ran back to his quarter, heart pounding. All his memories of Tarsus were still too close to the surface. The mental walls he used to block them off just to function normally were nearly nonexistent.
One thing Tarsus had taught him was when to run and hide. This was one of those times.