Disclaimer: The HPverse is not my fault... er I mean not my property.
Troll in The Castle
Harry managed to keep his resolution not to do anything to directly threaten Snape's life for about twelve hours, but he just couldn't resist after what he found on one of his jaunts through the forbidden forest.
The next morning's breakfast was interrupted by a highly distressed Potions Professor running into the Great Hall screaming his head off.
"Troll in the Castle," a badly injured Snape screamed as he stumbled into the Great Hall, "it's right behind me."
"I thought you took care of Squirrellymort?" Hermione asked, when Harry didn't answer she turned to him and raised an eyebrow.
"I'm sentimental, sue me." Harry sighed. "Without that Troll, we might have never become friends . . . besides, I just happened to have that bottle of Troll in Heat laying around and Snape really should lock up his cologne."
"So it's trying to?"
"Yep," Harry agreed.
"Rada," the Troll screamed as he ran into the Great Hall and towards Snape. "Rada rada rada."
"Professors," Dumbledore said loudly as he drew his wand, "on my mark . . . fire."
The group watched as their Professors traumatized the Hufflepuff table by covering it with a fine troll mist.
"So you did all this for me?" Hermione asked in an odd tone of voice.
"Yup."
"That's so sweet," Luna cooed.
"Yeah," Hermione agreed with a tear in her eye, "thank you Harry."
"Well our friendship means a lot to me," Harry said roughly, "just wanted to make sure you knew that."
"Which Professor are you going to attack with a bloodthirsty creature for me?" Luna demanded. "Or do I mean nothing to you."
"Yeah," Susan giggled.
"But it wouldn't have the same symbolism," Harry protested.
"I don't care," Luna said stubbornly.
"How about Um-Bitch?" Harry asked. "Been saving that one for a special occasion."
"Ok," Luna agreed, suddenly cheerful again.
"And me?" Susan mock growled. This situation was too funny for her not to get involved.
"Any requests?"
"Never did like Sluggy," Susan shuddered, "the way he looked at me."
"I didn't know that," Harry said, grinding his teeth together at the thought of the bastard who had helped make Tom such a pain to kill perving over his . . . over young girls.
"Creep," Hermione agreed.
"Well, anyway . . . do you think you could cover him in flesh eating slugs?" Susan pleaded. "Pretty please?"
"I'll see what I can do," Harry promised, "in the entire world you three are my only friends. May as well do my best to keep you happy."
"Thank you Harry," Susan said. She and Luna hugged him while Hermione gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "We love you too."
IIIIIIIIII
Back at the staff table, Aurora and Minerva were paying close attention to the antics of the Slytherin first years.
"Look at that Minerva," Aurora giggled, "It seems that Mr. Potter's harem was frightened by the Troll and he's being good enough to comfort them."
"James would be insufferable after seeing that wouldn't he?" McGonagall asked dryly, the corners of her mouth twitching.
"Not a patch on how bad Sirius would have been," Aurora froze when she realized what she'd said, "or . . . the Sirius I knew anyway. He seemed so proud when . . . bastard."
"He's getting his due."
"One of the few things that bring me joy is the thought of him suffering," Aurora said savagely, "there's a special place in hell reserved for traitors."
"Why don't we change the subject?" Minerva suggested. "What do you suppose prompted the Hat to put those four into Slytherin?"
"The fact that there isn't anyone else willing to go to that house?" Aurora theorized. "Who knows how the enchantments have mutated on that thing, could just as easily be because one of them was the five thousandth student since some arbitrary date, or because another was born during the correct astronomical phenomena, while the third happened to have the same name as some historic Slytherin and the hat got confused and just tossed them 'back' into 'their' house."
"And the fourth?"
"Well it's obvious that Harry belongs in Slytherin," Aurora said seriously, "any boy his age that's managed to charm three girls, well . . ."
"He is a little charmer isn't he?"
"Gonna break a lot of hearts when he gets older."
IIIIIIIIII
As had previously occurred, the two Professors' scrutiny did not go unnoticed, or unremarked.
"They're watching us again," Harry said out of the corner of his mouth.
"What are they saying?"
"I'd rather not cast a listening charm under their noses if I don't have to," Harry replied, "looks like something about charms . . . breaking things . . . hearts? Frigging glasses."
"Need a new prescription then?" Hermione asked sympathetically.
"Yeah," Harry agreed, "that or a pair of binoculars. Reading lips is a pain in the ass if you can't see very well."
"Why don't we stop by the infirmary before class to get you a new pair then?" Hermione suggested.
"You can do that?" Harry asked in shock.
"Didn't you know?" Hermione replied dumbly.
"Of course I didn't know," Harry said incredulously, "why else did you think I would wear these damn things?" He tapped the frames.
"I figured that you had no fashion sense," Hermione admitted with a blush.
"I thought you liked running into things," Luna volunteered.
"I just assumed that you hid some sort of gadget in them or something," Susan said reluctantly, "like in James Bond."
"How do you know about James Bond?" Hermione demanded.
"A few of the muggleborns showed the rest of us," Susan explained, "we all love . . . loved . . . will love? Whatever, we liked Q."
"Figures."
"Are you saying you don't find smart girls attractive?" Hermione arched an eyebrow at him.
Harry's eyes widened in alarm. "Are you kidding? I always thought smart girls were sexy. Look at who I hang out with!"
IIIIIIIIII
Minerva grinned. "See? I told you they had him wrapped around their fingers. Look at the way he's doting on them. Probably going to have him go out of his way to do things for them too."
"Like what?"
"Pick flowers, help with homework, they are only eleven, so I doubt it'll be anything all that strenuous or complicated."
IIIIIIIIII
Meanwhile, the Headmaster was busy assuring himself that his favorite project had not been harmed.
"Are you sure Severus?" Dumbledore asked in concern.
"I'm sure," Snape agreed, "I am not going to put off my classes any longer." Or give the little bastards anymore free time to study. "We put off classes once, we cannot do so again."
"Very good then," Albus said, his eyes glowing with approval. "Educating the children is the most important thing after all."
"Yes," he agreed, "educating."
IIIIIIIIII
"You know," Harry said to the girls as they walked to their 'first' Potions class. "I wonder how Snape is going to handle this. Is he going to go easy on us because we're in his house or is he going to be a bastard because we aren't 'real' Slytherins."
"Bastard," Luna said.
"Agreed," Hermione said.
"Damn . . . guess I'll have to go with the other option since you two already took bastard," Susan giggled.
"S'what I figured too," Harry continued. "Now do we surprise him with our Potions knowledge or do we hold it back, advantages and disadvantages to both."
"Why don't we just wing it?" Hermione suggested.
"Whatever we can do to make him suffer an embolism," Luna said firmly, "it'd be so funny."
"I used to do that with Vernon," Harry offered, "never seemed to happen . . . I think I got close once though." The group switched to safer subjects when they walked into the potions classroom and selected their seats.
They didn't have long to wait before Snape swept into the room and fixed the students with a fierce glare, his customary sneer gracing his top lip.
"I will have silence in my class," he pronounced.
"I do not expect any one of you to understand the subtle grace that is the art of brewing potions." He allowed his gaze to sweep over the Slytherin section of the classroom.
"Especially not when standards have been allowed to drop so far, even in my own house. In fact I could teach you many things, many wonderful things, but I shall settle on cramming enough into your tiny brains to ensure that you will recognize your limits enough to leave brewing to a competent professional."
His scowl transformed into a smile. "To that end I am giving you all an exam, one that you should all be able to pass easily considering the amount of time you were given to study . . . clear your desks."
While the girls amused themselves by providing overly detailed answers, Harry passed the time fantasizing about Snape's upcoming death. Perhaps he could make a mistake when brewing one of his potions, Harry mused, or neglect to do things safely. There were so many possibilities.
"Is there something you would like to share with the rest of the class Mr. Potter?" Snape asked nastily.
"Several things," Harry agreed. "Are you sure you want to hear them?"
"Sit down and be quiet or I will assign you detention for the remainder of the year."
Harry complied with a sigh, detention would have made things easier but he was fairly sure that a child of his age wouldn't push things much further. He still had a couple weeks until Snape was scheduled to suffer an accident so it wasn't like he didn't have plenty of time to get into trouble.
"Time is up," Snape sneered a few minutes later, "hand in your answer sheets and wait quietly until after I have finished grading them." Snape went through the tests, apparently grading based on who filled them out rather then on the work done. "Take your tests and get out."
"How'd you do?" Hermione asked after a glance at her page.
"Dreadful," Harry said with a laugh, "apparently confounding the professor to mix your test up with someone else's doesn't help if he manages to switch it with someone he plans on crucifying anyway."
"Who'd you switch with?" Hermione asked.
"Gran'll kill me," Neville wailed.
"What's wrong Nev?" Harry patted Neville on the back as he stared despairingly at his potions quiz.
"I got a Troll minus. No one has ever got a Troll minus on potions before. He even took points off for the way I spell my name."
"It's not that bad. I got ahold of his old potions book and look at this." Harry held out an old and heavily folded test being used as a bookmark.
Neville unfolded it and begin to snicker. "He got a Troll minus on his first one too! He marked me the same as his first one. I guess you're right, I'm not that hopeless. If Snape can go from Troll minus to
teaching then I can at least get an EE."
"See," Harry consoled, "s'not so bad."
"Thanks Harry," Neville said happily, "you're not so bad. I don't care what Ron and the others say about you."
"Ron and the others?" Harry muttered after Neville had left.
"He did always hate Slytherins," Hermione mused. "I'm sure he'll come around after he has a chance to grow up."
"So . . . never then?" Susan asked.
"Probably," Luna agreed.
"Doesn't matter," Harry said with a shrug. "He's not Ron. Ron lasted four days before he spilled his guts and I spent several months spilling their guts in return. The kid is Ron's relative that happens to look like him. No more, no less."
"Eat like him, stink like him," Hermione said as she raised fingers.
"That and he's a child," Susan added, "I think Luna's probably the only one of us that won't slip up if we decided to spend more time with the 'other' children."
"Why wouldn't I slip up?"
"Because everyone knows that the whole bloody Lovegood family are a bunch of bloody nuts," Hermione said quickly.
"True," Luna agreed, "it's certainly made things easier for us."
"Slipping up's why I haven't even tried to spend time with Hannah," Susan continued. "Every time I see the kid I think about what happened before and I swear that it won't happen again. Other then that, well . . . it's not the same person. It'd be like trying to have the same relationship you built with one of your friends with one of their children."
"No one ever said Sirius was healthy," Harry said uncomfortably, "Azkaban has a way of changing a person."
The group again switched to safer topics as they walked into the Transfiguration classroom.
"What a pretty kitty," Luna squealed. She picked up the cat she knew to be her Professor and began caressing it. "Would you like some tuna kitty?"
"I think I've got some catnip," Susan offered with a grin.
"Why are you carrying catnip?" Hermione asked oddly.
"The same reason I have tuna," Luna answered for her friend, "in case we run into a kitty."
"Oh . . . well, in that case I just happen to have some cream with me."
"I wonder when McGonagall will get here?" Harry asked as the bell rang, doing his best to conceal his amusement.
"Maybe we went to the wrong classroom," Luna mused, "and the Hufflepuffs too."
"Maybe," Harry agreed. 'Or maybe the Professor is stoned out of her mind and eating tuna while guzzling milk.' "Bit of a glutton isn't she?"
With a regal glare, the cat strode out of the room. Pausing only to send a glare over her shoulder at the son of James and Lily.
"I think you angered the kitty," Luna said with a pout.
"I think I'm gonna die if I don't get to laugh soon," Harry choked. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to do that."
"OPSEC?" Luna asked innocently.
AN: Dogbertcarroll had a scene or two that was added and he also added a ton of polish. More polish by jk, jacee4u2001,
Omake by moshehim
"What did you do, you imbolical child!" screeched the dead professor painfully. "Send me back! Send me back!"
"Oh, I fully intend to, professor Snivellus," said Harry. "In fact, that's exactly why I brought you forth from the realm of the dead, you understand."
"Oh?" exclaimed the ghostly potions professor.
'Yes, I wanted to kill you. I planned to kill you. I planned ahead - for years, coming with better and better plans, that is-", Harry explained, "-more and more painful plans and ways for you to die, I fantasied about it. Then you bastard go and get yourself blown up by a stupid potion!" Harry nearly shrieked that last bit.
Severus flinched involuntarily at that - as much as a dead spirit could flinch. He was beginning to feel glad he died...
"so now I brought you back," said Harry, "and - indeed - I will send you back to your eternal rest once more - after I had my fun!"
"Are you done with the dramatic speech yet?" asked Luna.
"ah?" asked Harry. "Oh, yes." he said sheepishly.
"Good," she said. "Then let us begin."
Over the castle painful, horrifying, gut-wrenching shrieks were heared - by the dead alone. The Bloody Baron went completely pale, as if he'd seen a ghost, which went unnoticed, as he was already pale as a ghost himself. Well, thatcomes naturally, from actually being one.
Speaking of which, Peeves found himself a new worse feer.
~*~
Three years later...
"Looney, Lupy Lupin!" said the polstergait.
"Here is a useful little jinx, class. You might want to pay attention, it may come in handy. Waziwadi!"
the gum shot off the keyhole and into Peeves's left nostril. The Polstergait floated away, plotting revenge.
"What do we have here?" Peeves wondered aloud. A monster locked in a trunk? Peeves will set it free, yes he will! ruin professor Loopey's office, it would!"
Peeves somehow unlocked the trunk and relesed the monster within - out came a lifesized tortured ghost of Severus Snape, shrieking in terror and pain.
Peeves soon goied in the shrieking as he fled away as if he was
chased by a ghost. Whcih is an interesting coincidence, since he really was being chased by a ghost!
Somehow along the way, the ghost of Severus Snape had acquired a woman's robe and a tall hat with a stuffed vulture on it.
"Wow," said Hermione. "You weren't kidding back in first year when you said you were sentimental, were you?"
Harry just smiled happily.
~*~
Poor Nevile now had a new shape for his bogart to take, too.
~*~
Amelia Bones, however, wasn't impressed with what "proof" Albus Dumbledore presented her with.
"Really, Albus," she said. "That is the most rediculus cockbull story I have ever heared!"
'Poor Frank and Alice,' she thaught. 'Wasting away in St. Mungus like that. How does Dumbledore come up with such foolshness?'
~*~
"What did you three want to show me?" asked Harry.
"Well, you see," said Hermions.
"-we developed a cure for over exposure to the cruciatus curse." Luna interupted her.
"Oh, good." saod Harry. "I wasn't going to leave anyone alive to sufer after I finished torturing them, though. I suppose if someone REALLY annoyed me I could prolong it a bit..." Harry once more rue the day Nevile managed to kill Severus Snape.
"No, you lout," said Susan. "We mean it for Nevile's parents! we want you to sneak it to them in St. Mungos!"
"WHAT?" yelled Harry. "Bastard kills Snape and now he gets a reward? No way! I'm not helping him!"
"Please?" said Susan.
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"Pretty please with sugar on top?"
"Ain't gonna happen."
"How about now?"
"Hmmm..."
Somehow Susan mannaged to open the top three buttons in the front of her robes.
"Keep talking..."
~*~
"You see, Amellia, I told you they were behind it!" Albus said triumphantly.
"oh, stuff it, Dumbledore," said Madam Bones, "I just had it with your stupidity. Now, if you don't mind, two of my best aurus just recovered from severe ilness, and I would like ot give them a visit."
"I-"
"Not a word. And no, you can't come. And I'll post a guard to keep you away, too!"
'Well,' thought Dumbledore, at least with a guard wathing over them, the two supposedly sick aurors couldn't get away with murdering anyone, could they?'
Satisfied, Albus Dumbledore sat down at his desk and plopped a lemon- drop into his mouth.
Omake by spd3432us
"Harry"
"Yes, Hermione"
"I've been thinking."
"Go on."
"Well, you know how there's all these extra muggleborns this year. How would Lucius and the other 'imperiod' death eaters have known who they were?"
"There's only one way. Mafalda Hopkirk."
"That was my thought too."
"I never did like her. Especially after she sent me a letter for Dobby's hover charm."
"I'll get the other two girls and we'll think of something special for her."
"Thanks Hermione."