A.N- Thank you for R&Ring! Hope you enjoy~

Warning- for the horny girl, just in case.

Chapter Four: Blue Use

People always take advantage over others, whether it is their feelings, stance, connections, anything. We all do it, even if it's unconscious.

Then why can't we help but think of it as an unforgiveable sin?

.

My ears were ringing through the rest of the day from the deafening sound of my own heartbeat. As I scraped my broken self off the floor, as I pondered wearily home, and as I collapsed onto my bed, it was still there. It came with me until I finally drowned myself into an anxious, painful sleep.

The last things I saw as I closed my eyes were Eric's fiery orbs staring at me from a few hours ago. The rage, the fury, and then in the pits of my stomach I knew, and it horrified me like no other: the lust. The lust for power, lust for control and the lust for absolute domination, it was there, deep down in the abyss of the flame burning in his eyes. It was there. And it was terrifying.

In the pit of my fear-driven sleep I had a nightmare of a set of two thick hands ripping off my clothes layer by layer, even when they reached my skin they didn't stop there. The hands tore at my skin, tearing off the tissues, muscles and breaking through the bones, until it finally reached my heart, my innermost deepest secrets. And from then on, if it was even possible, the violation only got worse.

I was finally released from the hands violating every inch of my body when I woke up panting in the middle of the night. As I listened to each of my desperate breaths, looked at my pillow damp with sweat, I knew: I couldn't let Eric know my secrets. I needed to distract him, or to distract myself from him.

For him to find out my secrets: the consequences terrified me.

.

There was only one thing that came to my unimaginative mind that would keep Eric from not knowing my sexual orientation: getting a girl. Easy, it sounded simple, not that I liked it or anything. But I was panicked. I was desperate. And there was a candidate right in front of me.

She noticed me coming her way in the school hallway, and at that second, she giggled, flicked her hair, and winked at me. I almost felt Goosebumps erupt, but I squeezed that feeling down and stitched a smile onto my face. To be honest, it was only that second that I first thought of the plan. But it was followed through quickly.

'Hey Bebe.' I said, playing around with the tone of my voice, but clearly uncomfortable and inexperienced with trying to ask out someone on a date.

'Hi Kyle.' She batted her eyes and looked up, about to lick her lips any second. God, could a girl be any more blatant? I was already getting second thoughts about this.

There was a sudden tingling in my head and I looked up from her and stared hardly into the hallway, and there, I saw Eric Cartman looking towards my direction, eyebrows raised in curiosity. That instantly settled my stomach in place. I was ready to do anything to keep my secret from him.

I looked back down at Bebe, who was a nice couple inches shorter than me, and smiled warmly, or flirtatiously, if you like.

'I was wondering if you wanted to go get coffee with me sometime.' The shakiness was gone; my voice was nothing but confidence and smoothness.

'Coffee?' She said and giggled, no, full on laughed. It confused me, and I almost frowned. 'Nobody has said that to me before. I like it. Classy.' She said, strangely calm after such laughter. 'How about a movie, instead?'

Well, at least she knew what I came for.

'Cool,' I twitched a smile, and walked off. To be honest I was a little lost. What was cool? What was wrong with coffee? I had no idea. But at least now I could pretend that I was straight enough to go out with one of the most eyed girls of our year level.

As I walked past Eric I didn't even cast an eye on him, but I saw him. I saw the amused expression coated with curiosity and almost a challenging stare. I suddenly felt good. It suddenly felt like I had power and control, something I felt as though Eric had completely stripped away from me the day before.

I picked a movie and I picked the time, I forgot the name of the movie now, it wasn't that inspirational. But it wasn't that mind numbingly boring. Just stupid, cliché, but it was all right. Bebe enjoyed it. I think. At least that is what she told me before pulling me into an empty alleyway on our way home.

'What are you doing-' the words barely made their way out of my mouth before Bebe attacked my lips with a wet kiss, tongue caressing my lips, trying to pry my mouth open. I was completely taken aback. It was nothing like the kiss she gave me all those years ago.

Yeah, Bebe kissed me before, when we were eight. I've only kissed three people before and both two girls were complete sluts. The other one was a guy, but it was accidental. We were trying to spit into each other's mouth and swallow down the saliva and the other boy got a little too into it. He connected our mouths thinking it would be easier and sent his spit straight down my throat. I coughed and breathed against his lips.

'I won.' He said with a grin, wiping the saliva that was coating his lips and chin.

'Fuck you Kenny, that doesn't count!'

We were in elementary, or maybe it was in the first year of junior high. I don't know, but the blond was still here, with his confident eyes and habitual smile. I know I was blushing like crazy, and I don't think it was from the humiliation of losing, although that was how I acted. But I didn't know that I was gay yet, so kissing a guy was meant to be nothing but disgusting.

Lost in memory, my body felt something warm and wet suck my neck, and I gasped back to reality in surprise. That second, Bebe's mouth attacked mine again and this time, her tongue danced its way inside.

I heard myself groan, but it mostly died under her loud moans, thank god. As she sucked my lips, licked my mouth and neck, grabbed my ass all I was thinking was: this is our fucking first date! I wasn't very happy, and I wasn't very prepared for it.

Her face moved down and I had my eyelids knitted together tightly, until I heard the cluttering of my belt and tugging around my hips. My eyes shot right open and I backed up against the wall as much as I could.

'What the fuck are you doing?' I whispered.

'I just want to give you something nice, baby.'

'No,' That was my limit. I was not about to get a blowjob from a chick on our first date.

'Why not?' She said, frowning in confusion as she got to her feet.

I smiled at her troublingly, and swang my arm around her shoulder.

'I just don't feel like it tonight, okay?' God. This was our first fucking date and already we sound like we've been together for the last seven years. Or maybe to her, that is what it felt like. Or maybe she was just a complete slut and it didn't matter to her.

But the thing is, the couple of months that I had been with her could have been one of my most enjoyable time of high school. Once being rejected of giving a blowjob she stepped back a bit, just a bit. Her kisses were still fierce and very public and I felt her eyes glue themselves on my butt sometimes, but if I ignored that, then she was good company. She was smart, some people may be surprised by this, but she was, and it was a pity she hardly showed it.

'Smart girls get no fun baby.' She had once said to me. I think that was the most intelligent thing she had ever said.

The only thing that made my heart sink though, was Stan. I couldn't have expected anything more, but when he gave me the widest smile on our Monday evening and congratulated me about my new girlfriend with the most sincere happiness, I have to say, it hurt.

The best thing about those months that Bebe and I were together though, was definitely Cartman. He barely did anything to me; he merely watched me from a distance with that amused stare. And it felt good. Even though his reaction really meant nothing but trouble. It meant that he was not buying our lovey-dovey act.

If he believed that I was actually straight and loved Bebe Stevens, then he would have felt humiliated, and he probably would have hurt me even more than before. But no, he didn't do that. He didn't do anything at all. He only watched me as if I was a fucking guineapig. Watching me believe that I was safe from him, while he knew that it was all going to end soon enough.

And it did. It happened on the last day of spring break.

Bebe invited me to her house, saying that her family was out and that we were free to use the home cinema in her basement without any disturbance. I couldn't think of a good enough excuse to decline, so I went. I was always horrible at making excuses.

'Hey, baby-' She welcomed, interrupting her own words by giving me a big kiss. She was excited.

After releasing my mouth her hand shot for mine, I noticed that her nails were freshly polished with a seducing red, the colour that matched her lips. I also noticed the shortness of her skirt; you could almost see her underwear with every step she took. And her V-neck shirt that showed her laced bra now and then. If I was straight and had low self-control she probably would have been on the floor by now, but the only thing I could think as I saw her clothes was: I hope she's not planning to seduce me again.

I noticed by the time that we entered our second month that she was getting a little hungry with lust. She didn't rip my pants off or anything but she would press her breasts up against me as strong us she could when we kissed out of public and rubbed her crotch against my knee when she sat on my lap as if her pussy was itching for a fuck. And hell, it definitely was.

'Wow, what's all this?'

The cold and eerie basement had turned into a romantic cinema, decorated with red aromatic candles that smelled of roses, just in case the real flowers in the vase wasn't enough already.

'Oh, you silly!' She giggled. 'It's our ten-week anniversary!'

Ten weeks… Wow. What an achievement. That must have been a long time for her considering how much deal she made out of it.

'And look!' She said, pulling out a bottle from underneath the small table. 'I've got us some wine.' She winked. I smiled. I hate alcohol.

She pulled me, with her polished hands, to the soft couch, the only thing comfortable so far, and turned on the TV.

'It's okay. I've only got us good movies.' And what came on in response to her words was another tacky romance film. I glanced at the rating on the DVD box lying on the table: strong sex scenes. Great…

As I leaned myself deep into the couch, I tried to make my body as comfortable as possible to replace the uncomfortableness of my mind and Bebe leaning against my shoulder. Her arms were pressed against her chest, squishing the meat together, as her hands rested on mine. I could feel her eyes on me, checking if I was looking at her boob appeal, so I kept my eyes firmly on the terrible film. It was when the sex scene came on that that became sort of a challenge. I wasn't used to porn of any form.

The man grunted as he thrust into the woman, but the low voice was overpowered by the high pitched moaning of the woman and her loud breaths. The man was attractive, as they are in romance films, his abs tight and lips moist. Those are the things I began to focus on as Bebe's breaths became slightly heavier beside me. I took a glimpse at the wine glasses on the table: one was Bebe's, half empty, and mine was mostly full.

A sudden shudder shook my stomach as I felt something slimy on my left fingers and I looked down to see Bebe licking them one by one, kissing them and licking them with her wet tongue and hot breaths.

'What are you doing?'

'Don't you like it?' She asked with seducing eyes.

No I don't actually, I thought, so I returned my eyes back to the fucking couple on the screen without saying a word. But then I felt her breath on my neck, and then the wetness came on my ear, making me shiver. She kissed my ear and my neck, over and over.

'Oh Kyle, baby, come on-' She breathed deeply through her nostrils.

'Bebe, you're drunk,' I said, but she ignored that comment by pushing me deep into the couch, repeating my name over and over again.

She was on all fours, trapping me under her as she kissed me and rubbed herself all over me. I was frozen. She finally grabbed my unresponsive hand and moved it up her top, making me feel the lace of her bra and then the freed meat underneath. She began to moan and rub herself more aggressively against my sleeping crotch as she twisted my thumb into her nipples.

'Oh, Kyle- don't you want me?' She gasped. I didn't say anything. I was still in shock.

Her breathing became heavier and heavier as did her moans, until finally, she stopped her thrusting and dragged my hand out of her top, only to pull it into her skirt. At first I felt lace, and then I thought I was going to be sick as I felt the wetness seeping through the thin fabric. She rubbed my hand against it, strongly, as her other hand began fiddling with the zipper of my jeans. That fucking did it.

'Babe-' I said, finally gaining back control of my own body. It was pathetic how easily I lost control of my own body, how easily I froze, even towards my own "girlfriend". I dragged my hand out of her skirt and sat up, making her slide off of me. She looked up at me with confused eyes, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

'Bebe, I don't think this is working.'

'Wha- what do you mean?'

I looked at her, her shaking eyes, and I almost believed for a second that she actually liked me- a lot. But my next words were clear.

'I think we should break up.'

I don't know if those words were only because of the heat of the moment, but I don't think I even considered the consequences. Eric was around the corner, waiting for me to break up and admit my sexuality to him and my love for Stan. But right now, all I could think was to get away from that horny girl.

I left immediately after that, leaving Bebe in her basement still as a stone from the shock of my words. At that moment, I didn't think too deeply of it. But when the next day came and my phone was filled with missed calls and text messages from Bebe Stevens I knew: I was the worst person in the whole world. I had used Bebe, I never even considered her feelings before I heard her messages muffled with tears.

I had broken someone's heart for my own safety. I always thought that I was morally correct but then, what was that? I was a complete bastard, a traitor of trusts, just like Cartman. The sudden thought turned all my insides to ice.

The safe walls that had been surrounding me for the past couple of months instantly crumbled to the ground. I was going to pay for what I had done, and I would deserve all of it. But when I look back at what happened to me afterwards I ask myself, would anybody have deserved that?

.

The next day, school returned from spring break. My stomach was aching from what I would have to go through. Would Bebe cry, scream or slap me in public? I knew that all the girls would hate me and would be glaring at me for hurting their "friend". It was strange. Girls fought and talked behind each other's backs but when a guy hurt one of them it's suddenly "You're the most sweetest person I can't believe he did that!". It's like the only people that are allowed to hurt girls' feelings are the girls themselves.

Ha… I know one person like that. No actually, he didn't mind other people hurting me at all. He just loved hurting me himself times and times more.

'Hey,' that person said with a slight sneer tinting his lips. I had just slammed my locker shut to find him leaning against the locker next to mine. My heart jumped the second our eyes met.

'Hi Eric.' I mumbled and began walking away. His sneer grew, and he began following me with ease until his next words made me stop dead in the hallway.

'So, where's your girlfriend today, Jew?'

'…Huh?'

He obviously noticed the glares and whispers I had been receiving from the girls all day, and the fact that Babe wasn't rubbing her body all over me. I knew this was going to come. I thought I was ready for it. But hell, I was nervous.

'I said, why isn't Bebe here shoving your face in her tits?' But his smile told me clearly that he already knew.

'We broke up.' I stated simply, and began walking again. But he continued to follow me. Both our footsteps echoed loudly in the empty corridor. 'It wasn't working out so I called it quits. That's all, Eric.' My voice was firm, but Eric's grunts told me that he was far from convinced.

'Really, Kahl? I thought it was because you were gay.'

The frustration and secret fear made me stop and turn to face Eric head-on, but Eric took that chance to grab my jaw and swing me against the wall, trapping me in his grip.

'I thought it was because you were a fucking fag Kahl,' he leaned into my ear and whispered softly. 'I thought it was because you couldn't stand that fucking whore rubbing her cunt all over you while the only thing you're interested in is cock.'

Let me go, that's not true, it's none of your business: all the words I wanted to say were silenced by the hand clenching firmly onto my chin. I wiggled in his grip to gain freedom for my words and squeeze them out of my nervous mouth.

'Don't fucking touch me you big fat piece of shit.'

My words were weak, but they were enough of an invitation for Eric to knee me in the gut. I let out a yelp of pain and slid to the ground. It wasn't a hard blow, but it still hurt like fuck.

'I can't understand why you are so defensive about admitting your sexuality Kahl. I mean, you can't become any less popular than you are now.'

'What do you mean?'

Eric laughed as I twitched in confusion. 'Kahl, everybody hates you!'

'That's not true!' The shock was apparent in my wide eyes. 'I have friends- The girls keep on glaring at me but who cares-'

'Or how about if I change my words Kahl,' Eric interrupted. 'How about if I say that everybody will hate you.'

I felt my stomach sink in fear. 'What are you going to do?'

'No, Kahl. I don't have to do anything. It's all what you have done.'

'What? I haven't done anything!'

'Oh, come on Kahl.' Eric crouched down and slid his hand onto my shoulder before continuing. 'You hurt Bebe. And tell me, what is the one thing you hurt of Bebe Stevens?'

I thought for a second, thinking of the right words to described my guilt. 'Err…her heart?'

A snort, and then a short cackling followed, clearly mocking my guess.

'Cute, but no. What you had hurt Kahl, was her ego. Her pussy-juice coated pride, I should say.'

What he said, those icy, self-confident words were for once all true. I had humiliated Bebe, and the consequences would be more than just girls glaring and whispering behind my back. And Eric only needed to sit back and relax for a while.

Eric got up after being satisfied of my response and started walking away, until he stopped in mid-tracks, as if he had just remembered something.

'But I'm surprised you haven't heard what Bebe is saying about you.'

'What?' I asked tiredly. 'What is she saying?'

Eric smirked at my cluelessness amusingly.

'She says that you tried to force yourself onto her, and that you broke up because she was being too defensive.'

He left those words behind and walked away, humming his usual song as he went. Leaving me, as always, in the echo of his words, lost, confused, and shocked, and in the echo of his song.

But the truth was, what Eric said to me that day was a complete lie. Bebe didn't say those things about me on the first day back from the holidays. Eric just made that up. But by a couple of weeks or so later, it was as if the words Eric used to fuck with my mind had come true.

A week later, it was apparent that I had tried to force myself on Bebe. It was what I got for using her feelings she had for me and then betraying her. Just like Eric did to my trust for him and our friendship.

Maybe what people say is true. What goes around comes around, but in countless multiples.

.

My guilt towards using Bebe's feelings slowly began to disappear as the glaring eyes of girls began to soften and Bebe's chuckles began to echo through the hallway. As I made my way to my next class the sound came ringing into my ears.

Bebe was in the arms of Clyde Donovan, chuckling as the football player kissed her lightly over and over again on her cheeks, her hair and her neck. It was only a week since I called it off with her and already she had a new boyfriend. That was fast. Well, at least it meant that Bebe didn't care that much about me, and that the break-up didn't matter to her.

But as I walked past the couple, the soft laughter suddenly stopped. My eyebrow twitched in confusion and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Clyde pull his girlfriend closer to him protectively, and Bebe's eyes cold and thin, looking at me with a matching frozen smile. The confusion sank to my stomach nervously. I understood Bebe's expression, but what was Clyde staring at? It's not like I was going to snatch his girlfriend off of him. He eyed me dangerously with distaste as I walked off.

It was later that day when I figured out the true meaning of his glare and his protective arms around Bebe.

'Kyle, I need to talk to you.'

I thought he wanted some advice on how to deal with Bebe from me, or somewhere along that line. He led me to the quiet side of the school, the place where Eric first took money from me. I didn't like that place.

'What do you want?' I just wanted to get out of there.

Clyde stopped and turned towards me and instantly, I froze. The colour in his eyes were not pleading for advice, they were simmering with rage.

'Bebe told me not to tell anyone, but I guess telling you won't matter.' He began quietly. My heart was beginning to speed up. 'Besides. You already know what you've done, don't you?'

'What are you talking about?' He took a step towards me, I took a step back, and then another, and then another, until I felt my back hit the wall. It was cold in his shadow.

'Don't play dumb you little shit. Bebe told me why you broke up with her, what you had done to her.' My heart jolted, remembering the lie Eric had told me a week before. 'I thought you were decent Kyle, innocent, moral… Not someone who'll force Bebe into doing something she wasn't ready for then break up with her for refusing you.'

Before I could think, a thick hand grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me up. I gritted my teeth and stared into his cold eyes barely an inch away from mine.

'Don't you ever touch Bebe again. Don't you ever go near her, speak to her, hell, don't even look at her! Or I swear, I'll break you.'

He let go of me and instantly walked off, letting me fall to the ground like a broken doll. I tried to gather up his words and my thoughts, and then slowly, I began to laugh. The sound was cold and empty in the spring air.

What a blind, stupid, arrogant dick! Playing the knight for his new whore of a girlfriend, believing every single word that bitch says! Being all high-and-mighty, thinking you're protecting Bebe from the perverted hands of powerless me!

Traitorous, fatuous, powerless me…

This was a consequence I had to accept. But if I was being punished for betraying someone's trust, why wasn't Eric being punished? Or was his attitude towards me all my punishment?

What had I ever done to deserve such a thing?

.

I shook under the eyes of Clyde and Bebe, Bebe's cold sneer and Clyde's stone-like eyes watching me. I would forget to blink as I walked past them, forget to breathe, cast my eyes to the ground…

'Don't even look at her! Or I swear, I'll break you…'

I would hear him smirk as he pulled Bebe closer to himself, observing my reactions.

'She says that you tried to force yourself onto her…'

That was the only thing I could do. Keep out of their way, don't associate with them and their private world, because it is impossible to defend yourself against lies. It is impossible when you're all alone.

If I was still best friends with Eric, I would probably go to him for help. But now, he would just watch.

I looked back up when I had completely passed the couple and I found Eric in the distance, staring at me. A cold sneer, yet with a different colour from Bebe, cutting through my chest. There was no satisfaction or accomplishment in that smile, not like usual when he saw me suffer under his own hands.

Unlike the couple, I stared right back at him with a blank gaze, not averting my eyes, just simply taking in his smoky orbs until I passed his side. At least Eric wouldn't lie about me. He was straightforward. He wouldn't lie…

'Come to the forth floor after school-' Eric's quiet voice travelled to my ear as I walked past him.

The forth floor… It was over a couple of months since I went up there. The last time I went up there I dragged myself back down with bruises all over my body. It was what I got after punching Eric for…

The sensation of his thick fingers crawling around me shot a freezing shiver down my spine. I had no idea why he wanted me up there, and I didn't even want to imagine it.

With a thumping heart and an aching stomach, I went straight home that day. But the second I shut the front door behind me, I regretted it.

Even if I didn't go today, tomorrow would come. Tomorrow would bring Eric to me.

.

The corridor was silent as I stared at my locker, surrounded by countless more identical metal.

'You didn't come yesterday.' The breath brushed against my neck. The corridor was silent, but I wasn't alone. I didn't respond, just kept my eyes firm on my locker, not getting them mixed up with any of the others.

The voice said nothing more, but a hard hand grasped mine and pulled me along the hallway. I debated whether to break free and run away or do as he said to make up for the day before. But before I could come up with an answer, we had arrived at the back of the school.

I looked straight into the smoky eyes of Eric Cartman, not shaking, not saying a word and standing firm. My body had been doing this naturally towards Eric lately, but as I traced back my memories, I think I know why I did it.

He once said that my responses were hilarious, so if I didn't respond to him, his words or his punches, then maybe he would get bored and go away. Just one punch Kyle, or a kick or any kind of abuse, just one. Don't make a sound and stand firm. Don't respond.

His smoky eyes didn't move, and neither did mine. We stood there for a few seconds without moving an inch, until his lips curled up into thin smile.

'So is that how it is?' He muttered, and then a piercing pain shot through my scalp as his left hand grasped my hair with all its power. I grit my teeth, but still didn't make a noise. The smile on Eric's lips grew wider along with his eyes.

'You shake in fear just by going near Clyde and Bebe, but you think you don't need to even respond to me, is that it?' He tugged my hair and bashed the back of my head against the wall beside me. I yelped by accident, a small error, which gave Eric what he wanted and making his smile grow even further.

Fuck, I gasped as my eyes twirled from the impact. Trying to not respond was a bad idea, responding was a bad idea-

'Your response is hilarious!'

I blinked my eyes wide open and shut my mouth. No. Responding was a worse idea-

The grip on my hair loosened and I quietly sighed in relief, just before the hand shot its fist into my face. Blood. I gasped in pain, my eyes blurred and my legs turned to jelly, but I managed to keep myself on my two feet, looking up at the blurry figure in front of me. I couldn't breathe through my nose so I opened my mouth.

'Don't worry Kahl. Your nose isn't broken.' He stated and grasped my loose jaw, pushing me into the wall. 'Still not saying anything?'

I could taste blood in my mouth, but still I said nothing. The only thing I could hear was my desperate breath. Slowly, my vision began to return. I almost wished it had stayed blurred once my eyes met his burning smile. His rage-

My eyes widened. My breathing stopped. The grip on my jaw tightened its grasp as Eric's face leaned into me. There was no sound, no wind, no ticking of time. The world stopped.

Rage, rage, rage… Where is the line between you and passion?

His mouth was on mine, thick, hot tongue entered me, violating me. My hands cut the air, desperate to push him away, but his aggressive grip on my jaw kept me in tact. His tongue was strong and firm, worming against my own.

Red. My blood, the rage, the passion.

I felt my brain scramble, then melt and burn through my body like acid. I never knew there were such sensations in the world, such disgusting, sickening…

My knees hit the ground when I was finally released. I had finally gained my breath back, but there was no breathing. My brain had finally regained its structure, but there was no thinking. Until slowly, they began to build, until I was panting my lungs out and my brain was in knots.

'What the fuck was that!'

I screamed at Eric who was looking down on me with a blank daze. What was that, what was that, what was that! I could still feel something firm and hot crawl inside my mouth, burn my tongue and slide down my throat. I glared daggers at Eric with disgust and hatred, but his face was still blank… My eyes lost its strength.

There was a small chuckle, and then another, louder. There was cackling coming from the top of Eric's throat, his shoulders silently shaking. He opened his mouth and sent a burst of laughter into the blue sky. The laughter, the laughter.

I watched him in horror as he continued to laugh. It seemed to be bouncing off the mountains in the distance, but really, the sound was echoing in my head. I couldn't say a word as he continued to laugh. I couldn't say anything. Confused and petrified.

Eric was completely insane.

.

I washed my mouth before I went home, over and over again until my whole mouth went numb. The whole time I could still hear Eric's laughter in my ears. My tongue felt like it was burning. My mouth was still hot-

My hands grasped the edges of the sink and my fingers dug into the enamel. I felt every single hair on my back stand up as I arched my spine. I asked myself for the hundredth time again, 'what the fuck was that?' The question repeated as I walked home.

'Oh my GOD!'

My mother screeched as I entered the front door. The voice tore my ears and for that second I couldn't hear Eric's laughter.

'What?' I looked around confusedly.

'Ka-Kyle, what happened to you?' She was pointing at my face with a horrified expression.

Oh shit. I forgot to wash the blood from my nose. I was too desperate washing my mouth.

'Nothing.' I clasped my nose. 'Just- got hit in PE-'

'Kyle, you don't have PE on Wednesdays.' My little brother murmured as he appeared from the living room couch. I glared at him and his inconvenient intelligence. His comment made my mom lose her mind.

'What, what, what! Kyle! Why would you lie about your injury!' She bellowed. 'Unless someone had punched you at school-' She gasped.

'Ma-'

'That's it isn't it bubbe?' Her voice was suddenly soft. 'You were hurt at school by someone and you wanted to hide it from us because you're so sweet and kind-'

'Ma-'

'I'm going to call the school! Tell everyone about the violence!' Her voice turned into a growl. 'I always knew that that school was not a suitable place! All the kids seem to be so friendly but they are all wild and you don't know what they are doing while all the teachers try to seem so nice, but they are really nothing but under-educated, useless people who take education lightly.' She turned to me. I couldn't say anything, lost in her rant of education and public schools. But her voice turned soft again. 'Kyle, don't you want to go to a more safer, proper school? You could go to Glenvale or Newton down in the city or-'

'MA!' I yelled, desperate for her to stop and she did, frozen with shocked eyes. We had this conversation over and over again in the past, with every single little complaint I had about school… I couldn't stand it. I had told myself long ago not to say any complaints to my mother. She always has to blow everything up and announce it to the world, making things much worse than possible.

'Ma, I'm not changing schools.' I said, trying to keep myself calm. 'I bashed my face on the railing when I slipped on the stairs. I didn't want to tell you because it was embarrassing.'

I walked up the stairs to my room, stopping by at the bathroom to wash the blood off my face. My nose still throbbed, but it wasn't too bad. I could touch it without flinching. That was how she acted with one bloody nose, imagine her reaction if she saw all the bruises I got earlier on on my body. I wonder what she'd say if I told her that a guy forcefully kissed me.

My whole body was exhausted, even worse my mind. But the second I collapsed onto my bed I remembered my homework and sat up.

I figured that the burning of my mouth, the ranting voice of my mom and Eric's laughter echoing in my head all disappeared when I opened my text book and placed my pen to paper. The sound of writing, the letters and the pictures flowing into my brain were the only things that existed.

It was when I put my pen down and closed my textbook, my homework done, my distraction finished, that everything began to collide on top of me again. I felt a strong urge for water and ice to numb my tongue free of Eric's taste, but I didn't want to go back down and face my mother yet. So I collapsed down onto my bed, praying for the mattress to drown me into sleep. It didn't work, so I blocked my ears with headphones and drowned myself into music instead.

The classical songs and traditional pop music freed my mind from reality and took me to another era, before myself, or anyone I knew even existed. Until Billie sang her song, the melody shooting my eyes wide in shock as I heard the melody of Eric's usual humming. I felt his taste in my mouth again and threw the headphones off my ears, digging my face into my pillow as hard as I could, until near-suffocation finally took me into sleep.

And still Billie's voice echoed in my head, singing that it had to be you.