I am soooooo sorry for not updating this. School has been out of control even more so with me graduating in a few weeks. Again I am so sorry and will try to make it up with another chapter soon.

Disclamer I don't own glee. Triggering themes.

April 28,2012

Steven gave me a journal. He said it would help me with deciding what was real and what is fake. Everything seems fake to me. Honestly I can't handle this anymore, but there's nothing here that can help me take control. Maybe I don't want to take control. I could just let myself fall into the abyss that lives in the back of my mind. Maybe if I let go everything will get better. I won't be in my own personal hell because i'll be insane and nothing will be able to hurt me. Or I could just take my own life. It seems like the ideal thing to do. There's just one problem. Nick. I can't leave him like this but then again he's only a teenager. He has all the time in the world to get over me. IT'S MY ONLY WAY OUT.

"Jeff its time for breakfast and your pills." steven pulled me out of my writing. I stood and followed him to the cafeteria to get my food. After I sat at my normal table. Steven left then came back with a plastic cup with my daily dose of Haloperidol. He then left to get pills for his other charges. I looked around and took the pills out of the cup and hid them in my pocket. It would take awhile but eventually I'd have enough to overdose. This was the only way because knifes and rope type objects were hard to come by in this place

"You know they would probably find you before you could die." Sebastian sat next to me and patted my pocket.

"Well I have no other option unless you have a stash of knives hidden in our room."

"No but you could always make your bedsheets into a noose."

I laughed. Really laughed. I hadn't since I came here. It made me look at Sebastian differently. His eyes were beautiful. The green had flakes of gold and were encased in a ring of blue. He looked at me, concern marking his features. I stood and pulled him up to our room. Once inside I closed the door and pushed one of the beds in front of it. Seb caught on to my plan and pushed me up against the wall. His lips connected with mine in a hungry and lust filled kiss. My arms snaked around his neck and his hands glued themselves on my hips. His knee came up and pushed against my cock. I let out a small moan and pulled at his hair. He moved his mouth from my lips down to my neck and sucked on a sensitive spot.

"Seb." I moaned. He pulled off my shirt then his own. Taking control, I pushed him to the bed that wasn't blocking the door. We fell onto it and he pulled on the waistband to my pants. I pulled them off and then my boxers. He did the same then took control again. My hips bucked up as he took me into his toung ran along my shaft and I moaned again. He pulled away and spred my legs before he pushed into me. With each thrust I came closer and closer to my release.

I awoke to a different room. A very padded room and I was strapped to the bed.

"Somebody get me out of here. Help!" I tried squirming out of the restraints but they wouldn't budge. The harder I tried the more the belts burned themselves into my skin. "NICKY HELP ME! " it was out before I could hold it. That's all it took for me to break down on this hell made bed. Nick. My beautiful kind Nick. He couldn't save me anymore. I lost that when I broke his heart. I lost a lot. His warm welcoming eyes that sparkled when he was happy. The way his eyes could tell me more than words. His smile and the butterflies it sent into my stomach. His gentle touch like I was the most fragile object ever. They way he stood with an air of confidence. How I was the only one who could get his guard down. I lost Him. So I cried. Eventually I cried myself to sleep. Picturing the love of my life.

When I woke up I was back in my old room. Except Sebastian was gone. Steven said he moved to a more private mental hospital. So I was again alone. I should be used to it but true is, being alone scares me.

I went back to my old routine for the next five months. Never showing my sane side. Letting insanity take over and control me. I had nothing to live for. I had no one. Steven saw my fast decline. It landed me more shrink time. I never said nothing. No one could know I cried myself to sleep every night. No one could know I clutched my warbler dog tag to my chest every night. No one could know .

I was sitting outside in a small garden admiring the flowers when a shadow cast over me. I didn't even turn. Shadows were everywhere here. The shadow lowered and a pair of arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me close. My head now rested on a chest that was familiar in every way and smelled like home. My fist clenched the fabric of his collar and I instantly started crying.

"Shh Jeff. Shh. It's ok."

"No it's not. Please don't leave me. Please...I don't wanna be alone anymore. I need you just please."

"God Jeff. I love you so much. I promise I will always be with you. " his lips connected to mine and all the demons in my head disappeared. It was a nice gentle kiss but soon it was over. "I love you Jeffie."

"I love you too Nicky. I wanna go home now." my voice sounded like a little kid.

"I know. I talked your mom. She wants to take you home too." Nicks voice was cracking. "I'm sorry I didn't visit you. I couldn't make myself come and see you like this. It would have distorted my image of you. "

"Your here now. Just be with me. Like I said I need you."

"Jeff I will always be here. Whenever you need me. I love you."