Foreword:
One day in the course of my net wandering, I stumbled upon the meaning of the name Kaden: 'companion'. O.O I immediately looked up the name Alister and turned up 'defender,' or 'warrior'... I can't help but suspect that the Insomniac staff was aware of this. ^-^ Maybe I'm imagining it, but I feel like this little discovery has added an extra dimension to how I imagine Kaden and Alister's characters, and as I approach the part of the story where things start heating up, the growth of the characters and what they mean to me is an important thing for me to be aware of.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
— Matthew 5:4
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With ears pointing back at high alert and fur caked with grease, Kaden sat stone-still in the pilot's seat of his ship. His contemplative gaze remained fixed on the controls before him, stern and unmoving, for a full, silent minute. At last he drew in a deep breath, and crossed the fingers on his left hand as he flipped the ignition switch with his right.
In response he was greeted by the glorious sound of the ship's engine humming to life, and the shock on his face changed into a smile that gradually broadened as the indicator lamps on the status screen blinked green one by one.
"Yes!" he exclaimed, thrusting his fists over his head in a triumphant cheer. "I did it! It's working!"
Suddenly the communicator on his wrist beeped, and he immediately pressed the answer button, eager to brag about his achievement.
"Hey, Al! Guess what? I finished the ship!"
"That's great, Kaden," Alister said, but he didn't sound at all enthusiastic. In an equally dismal tone he added, "That's what I was calling about, actually..."
"About the ship?"
"Yeah..." Alister paused for a moment before muttering, "Can I borrow it for a while?"
Kaden stifled a gasp, surprised—and worried—that Alister would make such a request. Sure, it was normal for the two of them to address each other boldly and rudely without thinking anything of it, but he couldn't imagine his best friend would ask a favor of this magnitude if there wasn't a good reason... and judging by his low, depressed tone of voice, there was a good reason.
"Uh—Why? What's going on?" he asked.
It took a long time for Alister to muster up a short, simple answer: "It's my Mom..."
Kaden's eyes opened wider, and a concerned breath escaped his lungs. No further details were necessary. He recognized his friend's meaning in a single, pained heartbeat.
"Come on by," he said. "I'll have the ship ready for launch by the time you get here. Over and out."
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Alister took his time getting to Kaden's workshop— didn't even bother putting on his hoverboots. He was in no hurry to face what was ahead, and caved to a subconscious desire to put it off as long as possible. However, going slowly presented its own hardship: it gave him lots of time to think about his reason for visiting his friend on this bleak, accursed day, and think about it he did. He thought about his mother, and wondered if she was thinking about him... but he was afraid to wonder what she might be thinking about him.
When the familiar shabby, makeshift structure had just barely come into view, Kaden appeared in the distance, running toward him.
"How're you doing?" he asked, stopping right in front of his visitor.
"Fine, I guess..." Alister replied, his tone as gray as his fur.
Kaden watched him for a brief moment before saying, "Which means you're pretty much falling apart, right?"
Alister looked up and locked eyes with Kaden—touched, though hardly surprised. Kaden knew him almost better than he knew himself, and he was wise far beyond his years—a combination that meant Alister could never hide anything substantial from him. With Kaden it was as if his thoughts were perpetually written all over his face.
The younger Lombax held his gaze with a soft, steady expression that Alister could tell meant 'Don't lie to me.' So he sighed in surrender and hesitantly explained, "I heard from the hospital in Fastoon spaceport today. They said that my mother isn't going to last much longer and that she—wants to see me."
"That's not surprising," said Kaden.
"Yeah, I know..." Alister snapped irritably, then softened once more. "It's just that... I haven't seen her since Dad died, and I—"
"Alister, what happened wasn't your fault! Your mom just got sick, and it was her choice to leave you here and move to Fastoon. If she had been concerned about being near you, she should've taken you with her."
Kaden stopped abruptly and swallowed, trying to keep resentment from creeping into his voice, and Alister realized with mild surprise that this issue was affecting him as well. Oh, yes... Kaden knew how it felt to be abandoned, and he tried so hard not to let his feelings toward his own parents color his impression of Alister's. Their situations were completely different, but the end result was the same: they'd both been left alone. Alister had to remind himself that his friend didn't just offer empty condolences; Kaden could relate, at least on some level, to what he was feeling. He shouldn't be so quick to dismiss what he said.
"I guess you're right," he muttered, trying to sound convinced. He failed, of course, and was glad that Kaden was willing to let the topic slide.
The two silently made their way back to the workshop, and for the first time since Alister could remember, Kaden politely ushered him inside. Despite his bleak mood, he couldn't help but marvel for a moment when he saw the completed ship. It had not yet been painted or polished, so it wasn't exactly 'pretty' just yet, but the change since Alister had last seen it was nonetheless obvious. Most of the cracks and dents on the hull had been repaired, and the left tail fins (which had been missing from the start) had been replaced. And that was just the cosmetic stuff. Alister felt a headache coming on just thinking about how much work must've gone into the engine and internal circuitry.
"I can't thank you enough for this, Kaden," he murmured in awe.
"Don't mention it. This is important."
Alister smiled at his friend and said, "So... run me through the controls real quick."
"Nice try," said Kaden, raising an eyebrow and folding his arms. "I said you could borrow the ship, not fly it..."
Alister stared at him in confusion for a brief moment. "But... how can—?"
"I'm coming with you."
"Oh, Kaden, you don't have to do that."
"Actually, I do. You're forgetting that this ship hasn't had an actual test flight yet. If it's going all the way to another planet, I need to be there in case a technical problem comes up."
"I helped you rebuild it, you know. I may not be a mechanical genius like you, but I'm sure I can at least handle a bit of engine trouble."
"Listen, pal," Kaden fumed, rudely pointing his right index finger at Alister. "I spent almost a year working on this ship; I'm not just gonna let you fly off with it while I sit here hoping I'll get it back in one piece..." He paused to take a vehement breath, then insisted, "So, like it or not, I'm coming."
Alister was surprised as he met the stubborn eyes of his best friend, but it only took a moment for him to recognize the true intent behind his callous facade. A grateful smile crept up the corners of his face as he inwardly laughed at Kaden's childish, transparent pretense, and he felt warmer and lighter, just knowing that he had a friend so determined to be there for him.
"All right, then," he said, and the two young Lombaxes climbed solemnly into the ship's cockpit.
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"Kaden, SLOW DOWN!" Alister shouted, clinging to the edges of his seat while the ship rocketed forward, lurching to and fro at the reckless command of its underage pilot.
Kaden showed no signs of easing up on the control stick as he turned to his friend wearing a disappointed frown and sternly argued, "Your Mom is on her deathbed and you want me to slow down?!"
"I don't want to die before her!" Alister exclaimed.
"Oh, that's a real caring thing to say."
"Shut up and watch where you're going!"
"Would you calm down? We're in space; what could I possibly hit?"
"ASTEROID!"
Kaden punched forward on the controls and the ship took a steep dip while a giant space rock rolled right over them. Alister cringed in fear as the bulkheads quivered from the near-contact. That was too close.
"I've got this," Kaden assured, completely unfazed. "Quit screaming like a little girl and relax."
"Okay, that's it! I'm driving!"
"I don't think so, Alice. It's my ship."
"Well, Katie, you're not even licensed to fly a ship."
"Neither are you."
"At least I'm old enough to get lic—WHOA!"
Alister reeled back in his seat as a Basilisk Leviathan cruised into view dead ahead. All he saw of the creature was its cold reptilian eyes flying open in surprise before it collided with the ship, exploding into a spray of purplish guts that splattered all over the domed windshield overhead.
The two teenagers sat dumbstruck in their seats, both gaping in disbelief at the mess before them, which had reduced visibility to zero. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Kaden raised up a pointed finger and calmly said, "Okay, in my defense, that thing came right out of my blind spot."
"Stop the ship! STOP THE SHIP!"
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Normally no one would have thought anything of a small, well-weathered ship pulling into the Fastoon spaceport, but when one such vessel landed sporting a fresh, thick coat of alien slime, naturally a few heads turned. Nearby spectators watched in curious confusion as the domed top opened, dripping purple ooze, and a young amber Lombax with brown stripes hopped out of the cockpit and sprinted off, calling behind him, "Let's go, Al!"
Another teenager emerged, much more slowly than the first, grabbing onto the ship for support and moaning from obvious motion sickness. He looked up at the bewildered facial expressions scrutinizing him from all around, and grumbled in a loud voice as he climbed dizzily out of the ship, "I am never getting in the same vehicle with him again..."
Without waiting for Alister, Kaden dashed into an elevator and said, "hospital wing." The doors closed, and a few moments later reopened to a foyer lined with chairs and benches where patients were waiting to be called forward. Kaden rushed inside, cutting through the center of the room straight to the reception desk.
"I'm looking for Estelle Azimuth," he stated urgently.
The receptionist gave him a somewhat surprised look, but nonetheless answered, "She's in room D57, but—"
"Great, thanks!"
Kaden spun around just in time to see the elevator he'd just come from open again, and Alister stagger out of it, huffing in exasperation, "Would it kill you to wait ten sec—?"
"I know where she is! Come on!"
The gung-ho teenager grabbed poor Alister's wrist and dragged him off, heedless of his shouts of protest, or the receptionist calling after them, "Wait! She has a restricted visitor list!"
When the two young Lombaxes arrived at the specified room, stillness and silence at last settled upon them. Neither ventured to speak for the first minute or two as they just stared at the closed door and the sign hanging beside it that read: 'D57 – Estelle Azimuth.'
Kaden stepped forward to look at the smaller print below the name, then turned to his friend and said, "Check this out, Al."
Alister swallowed nervously and stepped forward. The thing Kaden indicated was his mother's list of allowed visitors. Only one name was written—his. Alister was seized by a feeling of guilty dread, and he took a step back from the door.
"I'm not sure if I can do this, Kaden..."
"It's too late to back out now, pal," Kaden said in a soft voice.
"I just—don't know what I'll say to her," Alister muttered, drawing sharp, uneven breaths as he turned his eyes away from his friend and the door he dreaded to go through.
"Don't worry about what you'll say," Kaden suggested. "She's the one who wants to see you, remember? If you don't have anything to tell her, then just let her do the talking."
Alister took a deep breath and exhaled, closing his eyes. "Okay..." He looked at Kaden with wavering resolve and asked, "Will you come in with me?"
Kaden smiled halfway and said, "Sorry, Al. I'm not on the guest list." He looked at the door and somberly added, "Besides... I have a feeling I wouldn't be welcome."
He stepped aside, ushering his friend toward the dreaded door. Alister bit his lip, and moved slowly to rest his hand on the doorknob. He looked once more at Kaden, who offered a reassuring smile, and then held his breath as he turned the knob, and gingerly pushed the door open.
The hospital room was dark and dreary, except for the dim glow of a desk lamp that cast a bluish light over the adjacent bed. Alister felt like his whole body went cold when he saw the frail figure tucked under the covers, as still and silent as though she were already dead. She stared up at the dark ceiling, taking deep, infrequent breaths. Her haggard constitution made her look about ten years older than she actually was, and her chestnut fur was thinning badly. When she noticed the light streaming into the room from the open door she laboriously turned her head so that her piercing gaze fell on Alister.
"Genamar?" she murmured in a frail whisper of a voice. "Is that you?"
Alister choked back a sob and said, "No, Mother, it's me... Alister."
The old woman heaved a long sigh of relief and said, "Oh, good... If it was my Genamar, that would mean I went and died and missed my chance to see my son again..."
Alister heaved a sigh of his own and paced forward until he was standing at his mother's bedside, looking down at her withered form as she smiled up at him.
"Now, then," she said. "What have you been up to lately, hmm?"
"Well..." Alister muttered, "I joined the militia on Lumos."
"Did you, now? When?"
"About three months ago, as soon as I turned seventeen."
"That's wonderful, dear... What's it like?"'
"Painful." Alister managed a smile as he went on. "My trainer, ex-Lieutenant Raiken, has this philosophy that 'pain is good, and extreme pain is extremely good'."
"Sounds like he and your father would've gotten along..." his mother murmured with a smile, lacking the energy to chuckle as she apparently wanted.
Alister found himself tongue-tied at the sight of her speaking so kindly to him in her weakened state. He fell to his knees at her bedside and moaned, "I'm so sorry, Mom... Sorry I wasn't here for you all these years."
"Alister, you don't need to—"
"But I should've—!"
"Don't interrupt your mother when she's speaking, young man!" the woman snapped, summoning more pluck than one would've thought she had left. Then she fell back against her pillow with an exhausted sigh and said, "I taught you better than that..."
Chastened by his mother's words, Alister held his tongue and waited for her to speak.
After a moment of lying there silently with her eyes closed, she turned once more to her child and said, "Listen, son... Before it's too late, I want to tell you a story I wish I'd told you long ago..." From that moment on, Estelle breathed deep deliberate between her slow, carefully worded sentences, so as to maintain enough strength to continue.
"Parts of it you already know," she began. "I've always had a fragile constitution. As a child I got sick so frequently and remained as such so extensively that doctors didn't expect me to live through my teenage years... I beat those odds, but I promised myself I'd never marry, because I didn't want to bring children into the world who would be weak and frail, and who would have to suffer all their lives as I did...
"Then I met your father. He was so strong, so vigorous, so full of life... I admired, and envied him. Why couldn't I be like that, I wondered? Why couldn't I be strong? But he believed I was. He liked me because I understood what it felt like to live in constant struggle, always battling a more powerful force with no option to give up. As a soldier living through the darkest days of the Great War, that understanding was something he valued greatly... So, over all the beautiful, energetic young girls he could've easily won over, he chose me... And I chose to break my promise. My children would be all right if he was their father, I told myself... And I was right..."
Alister felt a tear wash a path down the fur on his cheek as his mother continued, with a sparkle in her indigo eyes.
"You're like your father, Alister— strong, and courageous, and caring. That is why I gave you a name that means 'warrior.' You instill strength in those weaker than you, just like Genamar instilled strength in me. My health improved after we were married, and I was able to be a decent mother to you when your father was called away to war... But it all fell apart when he died. My strength waned, my vitality failed me, and I started getting sick again... You remember, don't you? You were only about twelve years old at the time, so I just told you I was heartsick, but that was only half of the truth... It was apparent to me that I would not be getting better this time... But I couldn't let myself follow my dear husband so soon. I couldn't leave my only child all alone. I resolved to stay alive—for your sake, my son—but I didn't want you to waste your precious youth watching me wither away. That is why I left you on Lumos and came here. As long as I was alive, I could give my consent for you to live alone, and you could grow and mature without dead weight like me holding you back..."
Suddenly she paused to exhale a long, dismal breath. Her smile collapsed, and the shine disappeared from her eyes. "No matter my intentions, however," she said sadly, "no matter how I try to justify what I did—I can't deny the fact that I abandoned you... So you see, it is I who should be asking your forgiveness."
Her smile returned as she met her son's eyes once more. "You turned out all right, though, didn't you? And now that you're all grown up, I don't have to worry anymore... I can go in peace, knowing that my son is a warrior who can handle anything life throws at him."
Alister's voice wavered as he tried to form words, tears now falling freely from his woeful eyes. Ultimately all he could bring himself to say as he squeezed Estelle's left hand in both of his own was, "Mother..."
"Alister..." she whispered, looking weaker and more tired with every passing second. "No matter what everyone around you says, always do what you believe is right."
"I will, Mom..." her son promised.
A frail, hopeful smile slowly climbed across Estelle Azimuth's face as she drew one final breath to say, "Goodbye... Alister..."
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Alister stepped out of the room with his head hanging low, desperately trying to hold back his tears. His mother's final words of blessing and encouragement might as well have been curses and condemnation for the amount of guilt they made him feel. No matter how many times he reminded himself of everyone's assurance that none of this was his fault, he couldn't help but blame himself. Somehow, he could've—should've—done something, a horrible, nagging voice persistently whispered in his mind, leaving him with the loathsome certainty that he was a failure as a son and as a warrior... But those sinking feelings of worthlessness and insufficiency only served to redouble his determination to become stronger.
He looked to his right and saw Kaden sitting on a bench, fidgeting anxiously. When he noticed his friend emerging from the doorway he shot to his feet and shuffled over to him with poorly concealed haste.
"Is she...?" he asked, neglecting to finish the question. Alister just bit his lip and turned away. Kaden looked up at him, compassion welling up in his soulful green eyes. He reached out to rest a hand on his friend's shoulder, and for Alister that simple gesture expressed more comfort and sympathy than words ever could have.
The trip back home, unlike the trip here, would be a slow and quiet one.
Author's Notes:
- Estelle Azimuth— With Kaden's parents AWOL and Alister's father established from chapter 1 as KIA, I realized that the only parent I still had to deal with was Alister's mother. Again, I was hoping I could get away with just sort of—not addressing her, sensing she would be in the way if I established a place for her in the story, but once I accepted that it would be irresponsible to ignore half of Al's upbringing, God gave me a sweet little inspiration rush for how I could have my cake and eat it too with his mom, and that inspiration quickly took form as this chapter. My only regret is that it didn't allow for much in the way of excitement, but hopefully Kaden's Ratchet-like piloting skills can fill that void. ^-^ Oh, and in case anyone's curious about the chapter title, 'Estelle' means 'star.' ;)
- Theme song: "I Don't Need A Soul" by Relient K — not all the imagery/symbolism in this song fits literally, but I still think the mood and lyrics of it convey the hopeful sadness of losing a loved one who wasn't murdered or claimed by a natural disaster, but who just came to the end of their life span and wasn't even averse to dying. And certainly Alister is feeling at least some of that mixed emotion at the end of this chapter. Obviously since he's an adult and has a firm grip on his own life, he no longer needs his mother... but losing her is painful nonetheless.