Black Sheep

3. Adjustment

Mary conceded that Sirius made the best cups of coffee, but she would never tell him that. His ego was already far too big. But she would pop round every now and then and let him make a cup or two for her. It was just what friends did, regardless of the quality of coffee offered.

Their friendship was a funny thing. Who'd expect a Muggleborn to be friends with the eldest son of a supremacist pure-blood family? But they were friends, and good ones at that, and she had realised many years ago that her blood status mattered more to her than it did to him. She liked that. It was nice to have someone who just plain didn't see any difference, never mind didn't care.

'So the cake is out of date,' Sirius said, returning with a tin of biscuits. They sat in his living room, side by side on the sofa, by a fire that remained stubbornly out despite the chill outside.

'How do you know?'

'It's half-covered in mould.'

'You are a truly terrible host, Black.'

'And you are an insulting guest, Macdonald.'

He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. There was something different about him these days. He didn't look any different, was still blindingly handsome, but his demeanour had an edge to it that had previously been absent.

She wanted to encourage him to talk about it, but would never bring up Regulus or anything related to his family in front of him. She knew better.

'Where would our friendship be without insults?'

'And mouldy cake.'

'And mouldy cake.'

'It was birthday cake, you know,' Sirius said. 'And you missed it because you weren't there.'

Mary took a long sip of coffee, thinking back to the date in question.

'I was working,' she said. 'Didn't have much of a choice.'

'It was my twentieth! I'm not going to turn twenty again, you know. You didn't help me say farewell to my teenage years.'

She doubted that Sirius Black would ever truly leave his teenage years behind him.

'Because I found redressing a purist old man's oozing wound far more entertaining than watching you make a drunken fool of yourself,' she said sarcastically. 'And no wonder the cake was mouldy if you've been hoarding it that long.'

He laughed again, but it was a hollow little sound. And he picked at the handle of his mug, the coffee within no longer emitting steam. He did that a lot; sat there and pretended that nothing was wrong when something was, in fact, very wrong. James referred to it as "The Pout", but he seemed to be the only one who could ever talk to Sirius and actually get through to him.

Mary didn't even know where to begin trying.

'Well I'm probably going to spend my twentieth alone,' she said. She looked at him sideways, waited for a reaction. 'My parents having moved to Canada and all.'

Sirius scoffed.

'Like we'd let you celebrate your birthday alone. You can be really thick sometimes, you know that?'

It wasn't worth the bite.

'You have family. I don't.'

'And family's important, right?'

She was at the edge of a minefield, and a warning tone sounded in his voice.

'I'm just saying, you're lucky to have had someone to turn to when things got...rough.'

She twisted to the side, leaning into the sofa cushions. He hadn't moved at all, held himself in a rather stiff manner. But he said nothing, and that was enough to encourage her.

'He sought you out because you're someone he feels he can trust,' she said, cautiously. 'He has turned his back on something his entire life has been leading towards. Can you imagine how he must feel right now?'

'So you're saying I should make up with him? Pretend nothing happened? It's one thing to work with him, but-'

Mary reached out and placed a hand on his arm. He didn't even flinch. But he did turn, and there was something vaguely terrifying in those grey eyes.

'I'm saying that you should talk to him. He's only eighteen; he's scared and alone and he could use some support. However you feel about him, you have to admit that he is doing the right thing. James hates him, everyone is suspicious; he needs to feel like there is someone on his side.'

'Dumbledore is-'

'Like someone he used to look up to.'

With a sigh, Sirius turned away and ran a trembling hand over his face. He wasn't quite the hard, unfeeling person he was sometimes pinned to be. Quite the opposite, really. And she did feel guilty for pressing some buttons here, but she knew that it would do him good in the long run. It didn't take Dumbledore himself to figure out that it wasn't the horcrux issue he was losing sleep over.

Lily barely remembered a time when the wizarding world was a secret to her. It seemed so long ago and so much had changed. She was not yet twenty years old and yet she was married and was living in her second home, fighting a war half the country didn't even know existed in her spare time.

She would have laughed at the ludicrousness of it all even just five years ago.

Especially the James Potter part of it.

They were guests at the Potters' home every Sunday without fail - it was a habit she had fallen into happily, for she loved James's parents and their home was such a pleasant place to be. He was a homebody and an utter family man, and nothing made her happier than seeing him so at peace given the nature of their work.

But things had been different since Regulus had appeared. Some weeks had passed since the Order began their research into the horcrux matter and it was looking to be the third time that Sirius had not shown up to Sunday lunch. James had noticed it too, and so had the Potters. They had all but officially adopted Sirius, he called them "Mum" and "Dad" without a second thought, and nobody ever needed to look too hard to see just how much he enjoyed visiting. He had never missed a single gathering since his first invitation.

'Give it another five minutes, dear,' Lily heard Mrs Potter whisper to her son, patting him gently on the shoulder. James looked like he didn't have a smile to spare.

'He does this all the time,' he said to her once his mother had left for the kitchen. 'Shuts himself off when something's wrong.'

Lily didn't know what she could say that she had not tried already. Sirius was a man who never truly liked being alone, but always sought solitude out of habit when plagued with troubling thoughts. He would accept help and advice, but he wasn't great at asking for it. Always erroneously thought that he was a burden.

'He's got a lot on his mind, James. Maybe this is something he needs to figure out on his own.'

James muttered something that sounded a lot like 'bollocks', and flopped down onto the sofa.

Lily had spent some time at the Order house, poring over ancient books and dusty pages. Regulus was there a time or two, and though she knew of his history, knew of his family and his brother, he could not have been more different from Sirius if he had tried. Where Sirius's hair was long and dropped down to his jaw, Regulus's was cut significantly shorter, mirroring their father's style, only perhaps not so severe. Sirius was tall and lean, Regulus was almost a whole head shorter and skinny. And where Sirius was volatile and outspoken, Regulus was calm and concealed. The kindness the older brother possessed seemed lost on his younger sibling, who threw racial epithets around like they were common terms of speech. His snobbishness was not amusing like Sirius's watered-down tendencies. It was cold and isolating.

The stories Sirius had once told her of how they had been in their youth felt warped and subjective in contrast. Had Sirius been biased, or had the unexpected adoption of the heir seat changed the younger boy so much?

The sound of the front door opening drew both Potters back into the living room with eager haste.

With an entrance not quite proportionate to his absence, Sirius emerged from the hallway, windswept and red about the cheeks.

'Sorry I'm late,' he said. He sounded rather out of breath. 'Decided to drive - weather's not exactly favourable.'

James stared at him over the back of the sofa, but Mrs Potter rushed forward with a smile on her face, taking the new arrival into her arms and letting him kiss her on the cheek.

'Not at all, darling!' she said. 'So good to see you.'

Sirius's smile was awkward, but she didn't seem to notice.

'Oh, I brought this.' He held up a bottle of wine, which their host took from him gently.

'That'll do nicely!' Mr Potter said, eyeing the bottle over his wife's shoulder. 'You okay son?'

Sirius nodded in a half-convincing fashion.

James was still watching them wordlessly as friendly chat broke out. As the minutes passed, Sirius's posture seemed to relax, and by the time the Potters left for the dining room his smile felt just a little more real.

Lily didn't know what to expect when they were left alone, when James rose to his feet as his friend approached.

'You all right?'

Three words that could provoke any number of reactions from Sirius Black. But only one when spoken by James.

'Getting there,' said Sirius with stark honesty.

James nodded brusquely. Then he smiled and engaged Sirius in what Lily determined was the manliest, stupidest hug she had ever seen.

'I don't like it when you're being an idiot,' James told him.

'I don't think any of us do,' Lily agreed. Both boys seemed to have forgotten that she was there.

James raised a hand to his hair, curling his fingers absently around stray strands. He was unsure, she could tell. Uneasy, conflicted. He knew that this was all about Regulus, but dared not bring it up lest it drive Sirius away - him simply being here was progress.

Lily shifted her stance as James suggested they join his parents for lunch, a wave of fatigue that had been all too common in the past couple weeks washing over her. She took a moment to compose herself, and broke out of it with the realisation that she was alone with Sirius. More to the point, he had made no effort to follow James. That was practically unheard of.

He stared after his best friend with a wistful look, one he generally wore when he was ashamed of something.

'So what brought you round?' Lily asked as she took slow steps towards him.

'Mary,' he said. He looked rather defeated as he spoke their mutual friend's name, and just a little exasperated. 'Should stop having her over, really.'

'Interesting that you listen to her and not us.'

Sirius raised an eyebrow at her.

'She brings biscuits.'

Lily smiled. She could have made some smart comment but decided not to.

'Marlene was asking after you, by the way. Said she hasn't seen you in a while.'

'She at the Order house tomorrow?'

'She's always there.'

'Guess I'll see her then.'

She knew what these words meant, but did not know whether to smile or frown. What she did do was nod slowly, suppressing her personal thoughts on the matter, and reached out to pat his arm.

'I hope it all works out for you, I really do.'

He looked at her.

'You're not going to tell me this is a bad idea?'

'I'm not James,' she said, smiling sadly. 'Doesn't matter what I think. Anyone can see you need this. Just...if it doesn't go the way you hoped, don't run off again. He's family, but so are we. Remember that.'

Sirius stamped ashes and soot from his shoes when he appeared in the fireplace of the Order house. It was rarely occupied this time of day, save for members looking for solitude or engaged in research. But there was someone slumped in a chair at the long kitchen table, looking like there was the last place on the planet they wanted to be.

Mary shook herself out of her reverie when she realised she was not alone and nodded in greeting.

'Still at it?' he asked. There were no books in sight, just a selection of gently simmering pans on the stove and washed vegetables in the sink.

'Gave up,' she said. 'Figured someone needed to start on dinner before the others arrived.'

No-one had told her to cook, but he didn't point that out. Mary had sent her parents to live with relatives in Canada just a few months ago, when attacks on Muggles became suddenly more frequent. Though she'd never admit it, he knew that she hated being trapped in her empty family home, cooking for one. She was very much like him in that she was fond of company and grew lonely quite easily.

And very like him in the fact that she would never admit that.

Sirius stepped over to the pans, somewhat dismayed to find that they were empty.

'I think these are ready,' he said.

Mary heaved herself to her feet with a sigh and began to chop the vegetables before dropping them one by one into the boiling water. Though she was hardly marching to a funereal beat, it was unlike her to lack in positivity and gaiety.

'Is Regulus here yet?' he asked.

'Been here all day. Charming young man, your brother.'

'Runs in the family.'

Mary cast him a vague look over her shoulder.

'Unlike you, your brother has the charm of an angler fish.'

'What's that?'

Mary laughed quietly to herself and shook her head, proclaiming that it was nothing.

'He's in the library,' she said. 'That is if Moony hasn't torn him a new one by now. First time I've ever seen him riled up, you know. I had to send Marlene home earlier, she was so close to punching our guest. Such a firecracker, I don't know why the two of you ever broke up'

With a grimace, Sirius kicked aside a chair and lowered himself into it, forgetting for a moment just why he had decided to turn up for the meeting a whole hour early.

'This your coffee?' he asked, nodding at a lonely cup on the battered dining table. No steam rose from it, but the cup still seemed full.

With another quick glance over her shoulder, Mary gave a little shake of her head.

'Have it if you want.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Made by a mudblood, apparently.'

The word burned through him with a heat lacking the comfort of cauterisation. It had been one he had heard many times growing up, and was one he had come to despise like nothing else. And a new anger followed it, bored into his consciousness and lay there in wait.

'Mary, I'm so sorry. That little- He never should have-'

Done with the vegetables, Mary turned to face him and she looked as nonchalant as always.

'It's hardly the first time I've been called it,' she said. 'Probably won't be the last either.'

The chair scraped along the stone floor as he stood, filled with a sense of purpose he did not quite understand.

'That doesn't make it okay. I'll talk to him, I promise.'

'You don't have to...'

'It's not fighting your battles, before you start on that. It's me putting my little brother in his place.'

'Well, if you put it that way...' Mary smirked, and it lit up her entire face. 'You Gryffindor men and your chivalry.'

'You Gryffindor women and your stubbornness.' She stuck her tongue out at that, and he took it as his cue to leave. 'Looking forward to dinner. You look very nice today by the way.'

'I always look nice!' she called after him as he left the kitchen.

The Order house was a large building with many winding corridors, some working back on themselves, others leading you right back to where you started. But the library was not far from the kitchen, and so was the one place in the house Sirius could be sure that he would find on the first try. It helped that this time, the way was marked by the sudden opening of a door and the appearance of Remus Lupin through it.

Remus was always a composed individual. In fact, Sirius and James had spent an entire week in their fourth year just trying to find ways to make him react to their asinine classroom antics. Needless to say, they failed. So when he looked at Sirius with a thoroughly fed up expression and a huge sigh rolling out of his lungs, Sirius wondered just what he was about to get himself in for.

'It's like being back in school,' Remus whispered. 'Good luck.'

He left without another word, leaving Sirius to his nerves. He had tried to accept Regulus's reappearance as just another turn of events, and he had at first. But as soon as their interactions became less professional and more personal, his strength failed him and he wondered if he was as capable of doing this as he had initially thought. Avoiding the problem seemed to be the easier option.

He entered the library quietly. Trepidation stole his breath; an aching sense of anticipation he could not quite decipher.

Regulus looked just like he had when they had parted a couple weeks ago. He could have been wearing the same outfit, probably was. And the expression of boredom and irritation that had been upon his face when Sirius had stepped through the door was suddenly replaced by one of boyish eagerness.

'Was wondering when I'd see you,' said Regulus. He did not move to offer a chair, but he kicked one out of the other side of the small, book-laden table at which he sat.

And suddenly, Sirius felt his strength fail him yet again.

'Did you get my owls?'

Sirius took the chair he had been so crudely offered, but did not pull it up to the table.

'Yeah, I...' He didn't want to lie to him, didn't want to say that he hadn't had the time or had forgotten all about them. But Regulus seemed to know the truth.

'That's okay,' he lied. 'It wasn't like they were important or-'

'Oh for Merlin's sake, stop it!'

The look of juvenile delight that Regulus had previously worn was absent when he looked up again. For once, he appeared not as a boy, but as a man. A man weathered by the war and the direction his life had taken.

'I came to you for help, Sirius. And you brought me here. I just wanted to disappear, I didn't want... You could at least have sent me a letter. You could have visited me here, you could have said something!'

Sirius knew that he was right, but it wouldn't be him, wouldn't be them, if he had admitted it.

'You turned up out of the blue,' he explained calmly. 'After four years. You denounced me as a brother-'

'You chose a better model,' argued Regulus. 'How did you expect me to react? To be happy for you?'

'Is that what you think? Regulus, you are my brother! I was never looking to "upgrade" or replace you.'

'Well you managed that anyway.'

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose. This conversation, he knew, would linger. But had that really been how Regulus had perceived things? Had he truly believed that his running away was choosing James over him?

'You chose our family,' he said. 'I chose myself. I didn't choose James, or the Potters. I chose me. You know I- Regulus, you knew I couldn't stay.'

There were memories, of locked cupboard doors, of screaming, of bruises both physical and mental, of skipped meals and the imprint of his father's ring against his cheek. Leaving had been a moment of clarity. He had realised that no matter how long he waited, his parents would never truly love him, would never care for him the way they did Regulus. He realised that things would only get worse, that he was on the cusp, that he had to walk away now before it all became too much. And he'd had nightmares for weeks, convinced that they would come for him, that he'd snap and do something he'd regret. And then when he returned to school, when he found himself face to face with the only thing that had kept him there so long...

'You didn't do yourself any favours,' Regulus said quietly. His eyes then opened wide and his hand twitched upon the table. 'I'm not saying you deserved it. You never did, ever! But...Merlin, that came out all wrong.'

Sirius should have been angry, but he wasn't. Because there was regret, and acknowledgement. And he saw just what had pulled him away from the Death Eaters, what had brought him to his village and to the Order.

'Why did you turn against him?' Sirius asked. He had to be sure. 'And don't say it was Kreacher, because this wasn't a snap decision.'

Their eyes met for a few long seconds before the younger boy looked down to the table and took a slow, deep breath.

'I was so caught up in making our parents proud, in protecting the bloodline and making the world a better place for wizarding folk. Voldemort...he puts on a good show. But it's not about blood purity, it's not about raising us up. It's about power, for him and him alone. He doesn't care who gets hurt or what he does to reach his goal, he just...'

Regulus paused, closed his eyes.

'I wanted a pureblood society,' he said. 'But not like that.'

So the kid had morals. A twisted view of the world, sure, but his moral centre was intact. And that gave Sirius hope. Because he wasn't some callous, heartless being like their mother, wasn't some psychopathic sadist like their cousin. He was just a boy wanting to do what he thought was right. Everyone made mistakes, didn't they? How many had the courage to admit that they were wrong and try to undo what had been done?

'You're a work in progress,' Sirius said. He found it easy to smile now. 'But it's something we can work on.'

He expected Regulus to follow him in turn, but the younger man just stared at him uneasily, looking like he was ready to throw up.

'I can't change what happened between us,' he said. 'I can't change any of that. Can't take back what they did, can't make any excuses. But...' He looked away, wetted his lips with his tongue before looking back. 'I'm sorry I pushed you away. I don't feel that I need to explain myself, because you know why I did it. It was stupid, because you're my brother and...'

'I know.'

He did. Truly. And the truth was that despite their separation and the animosity that followed, he just could not cut the emotional ties so easily. James had been right to worry.

'I don't expect us to be the way we used to, but...I don't want us to be glaring at one another every time our paths cross. There's already enough people here who hate me.'

'We have to make some ground rules,' Sirius said. 'If you're going to be here, around my friends and around me, you need to respect us. All of us. They come first, you have to understand that.'

'I do!'

'So you're going to walk into that kitchen and apologise to Mary. And no using the "M" word. Ever. It's not okay, I've told you that a thousand times. No looking down on people, no being rude or snotty. If someone tells you to do something, you do it. No using someone's blood status to address them, and no throwing around of the phrase "blood traitor" - there are a lot of purebloods here who will not thank you for that, and just because we're adults now don't think I'm above hexing you.'

It was a serious list of demands, but Regulus smiled as he promised to adhere to them. And suddenly Sirius felt a little sympathy for James, the only person to ever have any form of control over him. Because he could see the same thing happening here, knew from that eager look in Regulus's eye that he would do anything and everything to honour this deal.

'You've done so much for me already,' said Regulus. 'Thank you.'

AN - Thanks so much again for all the reviews and words of encouragement! I haven't had time to reply to them yet but I shall get to it ASAP. I'm having fun writing this and it means a lot that people are enjoying reading it too!