Pay the Price in Scars

Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time or its characters; Regina Mills belongs to Kitsis/Horowitz and Lana Parilla and Robin Hood belongs to Kitsis/Horowitz and Sean Maguire. The plot for this story is my own. Please leave feedback!

Synopsis: What makes a family? Where do you draw the line between selfish and selfless? Regina's past as the Queen has followed her into her present, and it is starting to affect her future. OutlawQueen with sprinkles of CaptainSwan, Snowing, Rumbelle, and RedCricket.

Though they slept in each other's arms that night, wrapped tightly together after falling asleep whispering about losing Marian and Daniel, their boys, Robin's building work, and their mutual dislike for Victor Whale, Regina's concerns proved to have merit. By day, they functioned as they always had. Sons were dropped off and picked up, after school activities were attended and praised, snacks were made, soccer games were won (barely), and post-it notes with affectionate as well as functional messages were left on mirrors and car windshields. They said, "I love you," to each other in the mornings, and pressed kisses to Roland's forehead every night before bed. Henry stopped glancing at Regina every ten minutes as if she might spontaneously combust, and Friday night pizza was enjoyed by all.

Yet every night, Regina felt the space between Robin and herself grow wider. Wednesday night, he pulled her into his arms and closed his eyes against her shoulder without a kiss goodnight. Thursday night, after a late soccer game, he was barely awake enough to roll over into her body after she climbed into the bed. Friday night, he decided to shower after wrestling with Roland after dinner, and although Regina was awake when he emerged from the en suite, he neither said her name nor made an effort to move her from the edge of her side of the bed. By Monday, house quiet without a teenager down the hall wasting precious sleeping time on his computer with friends, Regina realized he hadn't touched her inside the privacy of their bedroom since the night she returned from the hospital. They spoke little, and only about the boys or about the next day's activities, and he hadn't kissed her since she had been lying on a hospital bed, cold and frightened.

In that intervening week, Regina's night terrors had resurfaced. She awoke most often with a vague recognition of feelings—sometimes physical pain or grief, occasionally the terror of being trapped by something or someone, and always the boiling fury that had been so long a part of her life. The anger kept her awake for long hours after the terrors, wondering if the Evil Queen was resurfacing and what damages she might wreak upon her family if she let it get the best of her. In those minutes, watching the time tick by on the clock at her bedside, she felt the absence of Robin's touch the most keenly. He slept steadily behind her, breaths humming through the air, but there might as well have been a town line between them for all the comfort he brought her.

In the mornings, Regina would remind herself that Robin's distance was probably a result of his worry for her. She would remember his whimpered confessions the evening she came home from the hospital about his own anger towards her husband and his own fear of losing her. But at night, with the feeling of her husband's ghost weight pressing her into the mattress and a phantom wrenching in her gut, doubt festered. For what good was her body, used and broken? Of what value was her embrace, once evil and stained with magic? Why should he desire the kiss of a woman who had lied to him, and to countless others?

So, she remained quiet. She asked for nothing more than she was given, as she had learned to do with Henry since the day Emma came to town. She accepted the brush of his hand against hers as they tucked Roland into bed, and sight of his coffee mug washed and drying in the dish drainer next to her own. She welcomed the tossed out reminder that he loved her as she left the house in the morning, savoring each syllable as if they might chase away the sour taste in her mouth from the previous night's dreams. She searched out his gaze whenever it happened to fall upon her and let each glance warm her like a ray of sunlight through closed blinds. This was a talent she had almost perfected in the lean years of Henry's affection, and she thought it might be enough.

And, for a month or so, perhaps it was.

. . .

"I hate everything about city council meetings," Emma grumbled as she slunk towards her seat along the wall. David chuckled and settled next to her, taking a sip of his to-go coffee. Fifteen of the town's "leaders" met once a month with Regina to discuss the town's needs, and although Regina was a damn good politician with immaculate agendas and a tight schedule, someone usually managed to derail the meeting at some point. Emma usually doodled cartoon figures of townspeople, while David tried to subtly text Snow. They sat only four seats from Regina around the square of tables, at a right enough angle that they could watch her facial expressions (sometimes the most entertaining part of the whole event).

Each year, in mid-November, as snow began to fall gently from the sky and pedestrians quickened their steps through ever-more bitter air, the council met to discuss the town's budget for the next fiscal year. Emma's first budget meeting had been a disaster, since she hadn't spent more than ten minutes looking at the Sheriff department's budget for the current year, let alone any time contemplating which areas could be cut back and which areas needed more resources. Thankfully, Regina now met with Emma prior to the council meeting, so she had all of her paperwork filled out correctly and could confidently explain all of her decisions to whichever member decided he wanted to argue.

And though Emma had once assumed she had the monopoly on arguing with the former Evil Queen, she had been shocked to discover, at the first November council meeting, that far too many townsfolk thought they knew their way around a calculator better than the Mayor. No one ever bested her—not a single argument in Emma's six years had ever proved fruitful—but they continued to throw tantrums over increases in property taxes, redistribution of education funds among the expanding school buildings, zoning codes that allowed new housing to be built along the edge of the forest, and even the exact depth of the new community pool. Regina was a spectacular businesswoman, faced with a motley group of transplants from an enchanted world who had been left without memories for almost three decades. And yet, the arguments continued.

It took only sixteen minutes for the first argument to begin. As the most recent curse, the settling down that followed the end of Ingrid's curse, and ever-expanding families raised the population of Storybrooke beyond its original few thousand, Regina had masterminded a new income tax bracket system. Property taxes alone, in addition to the minimal income tax percentages, were not cutting it. They needed to begin repairing roads, Regina wanted to add a retaining wall to the most severe curve of the river running through the forest so that erosion would not wear it down, and public services like schools, the Sheriff's office, and the local fire department needed funding. To increase the town's income, she had decided to put in place a bracket system based on net income after expenses which, though it would be quite a pain in the ass to calculate during tax season, made a hell of a lot of sense.

Unfortunately for the Mayor's office, most of the members of the council were either implants of nobility from the forest who possessed middle to low income jobs in Storybrooke but had all-too-fond memories of rolling in riches, or relative commoners who had scored positions as a lawyer or bank president or school superintendent and were now reluctant to see their own bank accounts accurately measured. As soon as Regina finished presenting her projections for the new taxes, chaos erupted around the table.

At first, she did well at calling them back to order, insisting that each person speak in turn and be kept to the three minute time limit. But as the discussion swelled again, and again, she lost her footing. Mr. Cassalis, who owned the town's only paving company and had seen his wealth increase quite regularly since the first curse had broken, finally threw his own chair backwards with the force of standing up to slam both fists on the table so that he could shout his displeasure at David who had mentioned that both of the man's daughters attended the poorly funded middle school. Emma saw Regina flinch backwards at the sound, a motion which was repeated as Mrs. Fink, the Vice President of the School Board, screeched in reply. David stood to order Cassalis back into his seat, an order with which he complied most likely out of old Enchanted Forest habit, respecting the man who had once been his king. This had no effect on Albert Spencer, who reached into Regina's personal space to jab a thick finger at the keyboard in front of her until the projection screen returned to a slide comparing last year's tax rates to the projected rates for each income level.

As the anger in the room rose markedly, and David remained standing, Emma watched Regina's breathing quicken, her fingers gripping the table before her and her eyes unseeing. Emma laid a firm hand on David's wrist and motioned with her chin to the panicking woman. Immediately, David firmly called for an end to the meeting until they could each examine the presentation and submit formal suggestions for improvements. Emma stood and made a big show of enforcing the end of the meeting, while David made his way to Regina's side.

When Emma returned to the council meeting room, both her father and the Mayor had disappeared. The blonde sheriff collected Regina's tablet, keyboard, and purse, noting that she had a message from Robin on her phone. Feeling only slightly guilty about prying, Emma slid the message to the right and jabbed in Henry's birthdate, rolling her eyes when the phone immediately unlocked.

Robin's message was short—asking if she needed him to bring anything home with him after work—and it seemed as though all of the most recent messages were. There were no exchanges of affection or even a heart emoji, just questions and answers about groceries or the boys. Emma quickly typed out a response to the negative and locked the phone, slipping it into Regina's purse.

She found her father and Regina in her office, seated on her couch. Regina was still trembling, though it seemed obvious that she hated that fact as much as anyone. David was trying to be comforting, but Emma could tell that his presence was more overbearing and pressing than helpful. She tapped him lightly on the inside of one arm, indicating that he needed to slide away from Regina, which he did without questioning her. Emma settled on the coffee table, careful to keep her posture open and non-threatening.

"What happened in there?" Emma asked quietly, keeping her eyes focused on Regina's. "Where'd you go?"

"It was nothing," the brunette started to say, trying to shrug the concerns away, but her muscles were still sheets of ice under skin pulled as tight as a drum head and the move resulted in a fresh batch of trembles. "I'm fine."

"Like hell you are," David shot back. Emma was grateful he kept his voice low. "You panicked. Why?" Regina glared at him, but her eyes were still tinged with terror, so it had less than its usual effect.

"Those people are idiots, Regina, and you know it." Emma risked covering Regina's hand with her own. "What happened?"

After a beat, Regina ripped her hand away from Emma's and rose from the couch. She collected her purse from the desk where Emma had tossed it and absentmindedly straightened a pile of folders on the corner of her desk.

"Enough of this. I apologize for necessitating an abrupt end to the meeting and appreciate your forward thinking. I will see you both tomorrow." Emma sighed, but figured that was as far as they'd get.

"Okay, Regina. Please take care of yourself," Emma said gently as she made her way towards the office door. David, however, didn't follow.

"This has happened to you before," he said quietly, pacing up behind her, but not entering her personal space, which Emma was grateful for. "During the missing year, when Leroy came drunk to one of our meetings. I thought it was because of Henry and Zelena and the beating you'd taken the day before." Regina's head twisted ever so slightly, as if she had remembered something distasteful or painful, but she didn't turn to face David nor did she give any other indication that she was listening. "But Snow told us not to follow you, kept even Robin from chasing after you, said it was… normal. Something that used to happen a lot." Emma's heart sank into her stomach, but she remained motionless by the door.

"I didn't realize the Princess was so concerned with my whereabouts while she was simpering around after her precious father," Regina spat out, her hands clutching at the top of her purse where it rested on the edge of her desk. "Next time, I'll be sure to bow before I leave the room." David rolled his eyes, but pressed on.

"That's not the point here—" he began, but Regina cut him off.

"The point is that you should be leaving." Slinging her purse over one shoulder, Regina spun to meet David's gaze head on. "Now."

"No. Those days are over. Snow is right—we walked away from you too many times when we should have been standing by your side." David tried to reach for one of Regina's hands but she tore it away and took a step back, almost crashing into her desk. "Something has you freaked out enough to have a panic attack in the middle of a council meeting. Gods, Regina, you're still shaking. You need help, and—"

"What makes you think I need anything from anyone!?" Regina spat into his face, drawing her shoulders up as her jaw tightened. "I don't need anyone and I certainly don't need you. Good day!" No longer willing to wait for David to leave her office, Regina flung one hand out and disappeared in a cloud of purple. For a beat or two, David remained staring at the place she had been standing.

"Well," Emma drawled, unsure of exactly what had just gone down, "that went well."

. . .

Regina reappeared in a hallway lined with wood panels, a warm red carpeting beneath her feet that brought back a few too many memories of Henry hating her and terror over the arrival of the mysterious Savior. Brushing aside those half-forgotten fears lest she descend once more into uncontrollable panic, Regina knocked quickly on the door to Archie's office.

"Come in," his low voice called, so she twisted the handle and ducked inside. "Regina. How are you?" The brunette paused at his question, twisting her hands together before looking up.

"Not so good, actually," she admitted. Archie gestured to the low couch in the room, so she sat. "I am struggling with a decision and need some help making it." Archie chose to sit with her on the couch, though he kept space between them since he remembered that she often felt anxiety about her personal boundaries being invaded.

"You look as if you are very worried. Perhaps if you shared some of those worries, you might feel better." Regina seemed unwilling to respond to those comments, sitting silently with her back rigid. She was always a queen, Archie mused ruefully; no one could take that away from her. "Would you like a glass of water?" This elicited a nod, so he rose to fill a teacup with cool water from the machine in the corner.

"I had a panic attack at the council meeting this morning," Regina confessed as he handed her the drink. Pink tinged her cheeks, and she pulled her mouth into a wry grin that didn't meet her eyes. "They were loud—dissatisfied with the plans—Spencer touched my arm, David was standing, everyone was shouting…" Her breathing began to quicken once more, so Archie placed his hands around hers, holding her palms to the curved edge of the teacup until she could feel it pressing into her skin.

"Regina, I need you to leave the council meeting alone for a little while. Just focus on your breathing. Feel the carpet beneath your shoes. Feel the cup in your hands. You're in my office, and no one here is going to hurt you. This is a safe place." Archie's voice, always calm and gentle, combined with his instructions, let her anxiety ebb away and her heart rate slow. "There you go," he said softly before slowly releasing her hands so she could have her personal space back once more. "You have had panic attacks before, correct?" Regina nodded, taking a long, cool swallow of her water.

"I used to get them quite frequently in the King's castle. But that was long ago, and I am the mayor now. I should not have to deal with them!" Archie shook his head.

"That's not how that works, I'm afraid. Panic is one of your body's ways of communicating its needs to you. It tells you that you are feeling unsafe or that you are under too much pressure." Regina nodded and finished her water, placing it gently on the coffee table. "Do you feel that you are in danger?"

"No," Regina responded, looking directly at the cricket so he would know she spoke the truth. "It's more than that, I think… I mean, I guess I feel like I'm a danger to myself." Archie kept the surprise from his face only with years of practice.

"How so?" Regina stood and began to pace slowly.

"I'm angry a lot now, Archie. I don't really know where to begin to explain it, but I feel scared and lonely and when I have nightmares, I wake up angry… so angry." Regina stopped in front of the ornate mirror on the wall by the door. "I feel like her."

. . .

"This is sort of an unusual date to go on, isn't it?" Ruby pressed herself against Archie's free arm as they walked down the sidewalk towards the library. His other hand was wrapped confidently around the tiny palm of Neal Nolan, who was giggling to himself about the number of cracks in the pavement he could step between.

"Perhaps," Archie responded, squeezing her hand affectionately. "But we both told Mary Margaret that we would be willing to babysit Neal whenever she needed us to."

"Yeah, and she's been really stressed lately with planning for Christmas." They reached the library and Ruby pulled the door open for her boys.

"Thank you," Archie commented as he directed Neal inside.

"Dank you!" Neal parroted back, making Ruby giggle and sweep him off his feet into her arms.

"You're welcome, little Prince!" Ruby answered, settling him against her hip as they looked around the library.

"Plus," Archie continued their previous conversation, "I like spending time with you regardless of what we're doing." Ruby blushed and leaned in to press a kiss against his lips.

"Thanks," she offered, always a little awkward around Archie's honesty.

"I'm so glad you could make it, Neal!" Belle appeared from around the corner of book stacks, hands open towards Neal who slapped a hearty high-five on each. "We're going to read a story about knights and Princes today!"

"Real knights and Princes?!" Neal cried, legs kicking jubilantly around Ruby's midsection.

"Well, you'll have to decide that for yourself," Belle responded. "Why don't you guys go grab some juice or water and find a seat?" Ruby lowered Neal to the floor and, with a quick hug for her friend, they followed the young boy to the children's section where a large space had been cleared and carpet squares were laid out haphazardly across the floor.

Once Belle began her read aloud, Archie found he was free to let his gaze and his mind wander. Neal was at the perfect age for becoming completely enraptured by story-telling—he had settled his nearly three-year-old body onto Ruby's lap and was staring, open-mouthed, up at Belle as she turned glossy pages and let her voice rise and fall with the tale. Around the room, Archie noted that there were kids of all ages who attended this event, and he felt a surge of pride for Belle who had certainly found her niche in their strange little town. Along the wall opposite to Ruby and himself, he noticed that Regina and Robin had arrived with Roland, and although the little boy looked eager to slip closer to Belle and the book, Regina had placed them on the very outskirts of the crowd of parents. There were carpet squares between her family and all of the other participants; when one family arrived a little late, they glanced at the open space but chose to squeeze onto the floor by the door.

When Belle finished the first book, she suggested a potty-and-snack break, allowing the children to stretch their legs and release some energy before their last two selections. Roland hopped excitedly up from Robin's lap and ran to greet one of his friends, who tripped over his own shoelaces and went down laughing. Regina and Robin remained seated, away from the other parents who mingled around the snack table or followed their children to new carpet squares. Neither half of the couple were touching one another at all; they sat side-by-side, Robin leaning against the wall with one leg outstretched and the other bent up, and Regina with her legs criss-crossed and hands folded in her lap, but the two inch gap between their carpet squares was echoed in their body language. At one point, Regina opened her mouth to point out Roland, who was attempting to stand on his head by Belle's chair—probably trying to impress her, Archie thought, amused—and Robin laughed at the sight, but then they fell silent once more.

Neal and Ruby returned from the bathroom and the young boy declared that he wanted to sit on Archie's lap for the next story, so Archie's attention was diverted from his perusal of the Queen until the end of the second book. As the final story began, Archie let himself glance back at the little family once more. Roland had curled up in Regina's lap, hugging one of her arms to his chest as his eyes drooped closed. She rested her chin against the top of his head, then moved for a moment to press a kiss against his curls. The space between Robin and her remained.

Archie wondered, as he carried Neal home from the library with his free hand tightly wound around Ruby's, about Regina's visit to his office earlier that day. They had spoken at length about the Evil Queen, and about how far Regina had come from the days when simply feeling anger and fear led to acting out against the world. They had gone over a few ways Regina could self-manage anxiety, and he had probed her about her original statement, that she was struggling with a decision, but she had closed herself off from that line of conversation.

Yet, watching Regina exist in public—really watching her move around a town full of people who obviously still mistrusted her—and watching Robin and her circle around one another without ever connecting, made him realize he had missed a vital part of her statement that day. "I feel scared and lonely… I feel like her…"

. . .

Archie and Regina met three more times before Regina explained her dilemma to him even in part. At each meeting, Archie gently pressed around the subject of her fears, giving her the space to talk about the nightmares she continued to have about her first husband and providing the unspoken permission she needed to mourn the possibility she would ever have a child. Archie often wished he was able to require a second party at sessions; he secretly thought Robin ought to recognize that she needed the space to be sad without always trying to put on a brave face, but as always, his job was to provide that space without judging the actions or awareness of others. She refused to talk about her relationship with the former outlaw, so he couldn't even suggest that she bring him to one of their sessions, and he didn't feel it was his place to press.

Regina found herself looking forward to her sessions with Archie (sessions she hadn't told a single soul about), because she slept better after they talked than she did the whole rest of the week. Slowly, her anxiety improved, and even her nightmares felt less real when she awoke. Still, her relationship with Robin continued to deteriorate. Twice, she had worked up the courage to approach Robin intimately, and both times she had been met with stone-faced refusal.

One night, after watching one of the Iron Man movies her boys were so fond of, Regina let Henry lead Roland up to their bedtime routine while she remained on the couch, curled under one of Robin's arms. She had slid her hand up the plan of his chest until she could curl her fingers around his neck and into his hairline, and pressed her lips against his, praying to every god she could name that he wouldn't pull away. And he hadn't, at first, parting her lips with his tongue and sliding his free hand up her bicep. On its return trip down, his hand had brushed against the side of her breast, and the surge of warmth cause by this motion made Regina let out a low groan. Almost instantly, Robin had left her arms. slipping from under her curled up knees and cleaning up the bowls of popcorn and drink cups left by their sons.

And, just yesterday, after an afternoon and evening of playing with some ridiculous creation called Moon Sand, Regina had slipped into bed wearing one of Robin's favorite sets of her underwear—a deep, forest green satin edged in black lace. He had chided her about the chill of winter and risen from bed, tossing her one of his T-shirts before claiming he was thirsty and heading back downstairs.

"I think…" Regina began, choosing to begin this particular session by pacing, which was never a good sign in Archie's opinion, "I think that I have reached a decision."

"You seem very nervous about it, whatever it is. Are you sure that you are comfortable with whatever choice you have made?" Regina let out a harsh laugh.

"No, I wouldn't say I'm comfortable. But then again, I'm sure I was plenty comfortable doing a lot of horrific things, so that's not always an accurate thermometer." Archie sighed, as he often did when her self-awareness turned sour and distorted, but didn't deign to comment.

"What is it that you have decided?" he asked gently, keeping his voice neutral.

"I am going to find a way to bind my magic. Or get rid of it. Whichever is possible at this point." Regina turned from the mirror and Archie saw several emotions twisting across her face.

"Get rid of your magic?" Archie echoed, completely unable to hide his shock. "Why?"

"Robin told me it was either him or magic. I've tried to live with both and I can't." Tears glistened in her eyes, but she blinked them away.

"I'm sure he didn't mean for you to give up magic, Regina. Remember that Henry once said the same thing, but you and he have talked about it since and—"

"No, this is not like that." Regina finally sat on the couch next to him, seeming to run out of energy. "Belle told him I had to pick between love and magic, so that's what I have to do."

"Magic is a part of you, Regina," Archie tried once more to find a way into a discussion about this decision, but Regina shook her head, resolute.

"Then it's a part I need to destroy." Looking up, she gazed directly at a man she now considered a friend, and the terror in her eyes tore at him. "I can't lose him. It doesn't matter what the price is."

A/N Your follows and reviews are the lifeblood of this story! Perhaps three or four more chapters. :D

Pinkcatsinspace—I hope this chapter helps! The idea is that dark magic and light magic cannot mix, so if Regina is using dark magic, Robin is afraid that any intimacy will cause pain. Of course, our loves are famous for miscommunication so they will have to work around that! Thank you so much for reviewing!

Michebellaxo and DocMcRegals—I hope you enjoyed this installment. I am trying to explore how Regina might heal from this experience, rather than pushing it away as she has for so long. I hope that I can express that over the next few chapters! Thank you for your wonderful reviews!

Foreveroutlawqueen, Pt159, Evilregal267, Anonymouse, Stephybezy, and Justfangirlingit—I'm so sorry! It has been so long since I updated, but the end of the school year always gets away from me and before I know it, it's the summer. I will try to do better! Thank you SO MUCH for reading and reviewing. MUCH LOVE!