A/N: I promise that May will get a hug in the next few chapter because she really really needs and deserves it. But not just yet.. she'll have to suffer through this chapter first. And I promise I don't enjoy hurting her intentionally! This is all just for the purpose of the story line. (:
As always, trigger warning for mentions and descriptions of self-harm.

She hadn't allowed herself to cry since Andrew's death. Though initially it wasn't him who had died but that thing, that monster consuming his body and mind. Andrew had been taken from her a long time before that. Just when she finally had been ready to open her heart to him again, he had turned his back on her. Ironically, she had done the exact same thing all those years ago after Bahrain. It was like fate had taken its revenge on her for choosing herself over their marriage.

After losing Phil in New York, she'd sworn to never get attached to someone again. But Andrew made it so easy for her to fall for him once more. He was charming and kind and gentle, in a way portraying a polar opposite to May.

Seeing him all those year after their divorce had brought back many pleasant memories of their happier times together. She'd tried to suppress them because she'd been reaching out to him for work, and work only. At least that's what she had told herself. But nonetheless, he deserved better than to be dragged into her life of dangerous undercover missions and alien science and technology again.

May hated to admit it but Coulson had been right all those years ago. She should've never dated civilians, let alone marry one. It was complicated and messy and there'd been too many things left unsaid that drove Andrew and her further and further apart. She took her job so incredibly serious that it'd only been a matter of time for them to go separate ways.

Instead of an apology to him she let the fourth scar on her forearm speak for itself. She could still recall seeing Lash's lifeless body being brought back to the base. Even though it looked nothing like Andrew, she couldn't help but feel a part of her heart break and crumble into a million tiny pieces.

So that night, in true Melinda May fashion, she'd locked herself into her room, shutting the outside world out because she didn't need their pity. She didn't need the team's condolences or comforting words because they wouldn't make the situation any better. All she needed was a grasp of control over her emotions because she'd be damned if she'd let them come to the surface. There was no time for grief, not in her line of work. The cut had been quick and clean, barely able to shut up the voices of accusations in her head.

But it had been time to move on.

May tried to convince herself that she had no reason to punish herself for his death. It had been completely out of her control. Therefore, it was ridiculous for her to blame herself but nonetheless, she felt partially responsible. It'd been a series of events that triggered his death but if she hadn't dragged him into her life in the first place, he would probably still be alive. Without her, there would've been no Bahrain for him to put up with, no divorce to go through, no S.H.I.E.L.D. dealing with Inhumans, no Terregenesis for him to experience and of course, no Lash.

May clenched her fists in anger. She knew that without Lash, there probably would've been no way to release Daisy from Hive's spell and bring her back to the base safely. Lash had served his purpose in rescuing the young agent and though May was more than grateful for that, the whole situation had a bitter undertone to it. It had been a simple exchange of lives, but unfortunately it had been one life for two.

That night had been the last time she'd cut herself. She couldn't afford anyone getting suspicious, especially Coulson. Her reputation would be ruined, all the respect she'd gained and worked so hard for over the years would be lost. The team would look at her with pity like she was some broken thing that needed to be fixed. They would never understand how dragging a sharp blade into her skin was her way of fixing herself.