Author's Note: I am so, so, so incredibly sorry for taking so long to write this. Last week was extremely hectic and I did get to write as much as I wanted to. Fortunately, this chapter is very long, as in longer than the last three chapters, so hopefully that will make up for the delay. ^_^
As always, a huge thank you to all my readers. I greatly appreciate the fact that you all took the time to read this. Special thanks to Diabolus Kara, jinnabun, ebo2, Miss Hal Gibson, MissehKeehl, and Living in a fantasy for reviewing. If it wasn't for your reviews, this chapter would've taken at least another week, probably longer.
Alright, now I'm just wasting your time. On with the chapter! I hope you all enjoy it!
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"Why then? Why did you do that to me?"
I take a deep breath, well, as deep as I can with my lungs still weak from inhaling so much smoke, and begin to talk slowly, carefully, trying to help him understand my reasons. It's hard though, especially since I'm not even completely sure of my reasons.
"Matt, I didn't know what…what my life would be like…when I left." I start, pausing a moment to catch my breath. "I had no idea what I'd end up having to reduce myself to…what I'd have to do to survive."
I have to stop again. Even though my throat isn't dry anymore, speaking still takes a lot of effort. My breathing is shallow and I notice that I'm shaking, though I'm not sure if it's because I'm struggling to talk or because I'm an emotional wreck.
"I couldn't risk having you get hurt…just because I wanted to leave. It wouldn't have been fair to you." I pause to catch my breath before continuing. "I thought you'd be worse off if I took you." I finish, knowing that nothing I said explained enough.
Matt lays my head back down and moves his hand away. I can't help but think that this is it. He'll probably tell me what I'm most afraid to hear; that he can't stay with me…that he doesn't want to stay. Something about how we'd known each other for so long that he couldn't quite bring himself to just let me die, despite how much he wanted to. Whatever he says, I can't help but think I won't have him much longer, a thought which terrifies me. Strange, considering I said I hated him before leaving and hurt him in more ways than I want to count. I can't believe I was too stupid to think of what my leaving like that would do to him. If I'd lived up to my reputation as the second smartest kid there, I could've saved us both so much pain.
"Mello…" he starts, and I do my best to brace myself for the worst. Damn, if only I could see. I'd do anything to see his face for just a few seconds. If I could look at him, I might be able to make a guess about what he's feeling. At the very least, I'd have a fresh image of him in my mind, a recent picture to think of. Even that would be enough to make this easier for me.
"Mello…please don't leave me again." His voice is soft and calm, rather than being angry and hurtful. So very different from how I thought it would sound.
For me though, the relief comes from the words he spoke…he didn't say he hated me, or that he was leaving. No, he asked me to stay. He wants me here with him, despite everything I did to him.
"Matt, why?" I ask, unable to even begin to understand him. "After all I did, what I said to you, I-"he touches my lips again, a familiar signal that I should just shut up.
"You've been watching me Mello." He says simply. "You were never as skilled with computers as me, so it wasn't hard for me to hack into your system. I found notes about what I'd been doing and information about cameras you'd installed at places I went. You've been watching since not too long after you left."
I feel his hand move up to touch my forehead and I hear him sigh softly, as if he'd been waiting a long time to tell me he knew. I want to say something, but, somehow, I get the feeling that I should stay silent. This is his chance to talk, not mine.
"I wondered why you bothered, for a while anyways. I used to run different ideas through my head; were you laughing at me for thinking we were friends? Or did you just want to see how badly I was handling life without you?" At this part, I really have to fight against myself to keep from yelling that I would never laugh at him, that I never wanted to see him in pain like that. Miraculously though, I surprise myself by managing to stay quiet.
"I decided though that you weren't that kind of person. I'd known you long enough to guess that much. That meant there was only one alternative; that you still cared about me and wanted to be sure I was okay." he says, and he's right. Honestly, I was scared that he might do something drastic, as a result of my leaving. He was already a chain smoker; I hadn't been able to stop that, so it wouldn't have really been a stretch for him to start taking something stronger, especially if he was convinced it would help him feel less pain or calm down or whatever other reason exists. Still though, as much as I watched him, I never saw him do that. I was proud of him, I still am, for taking care of himself and for figuring out my intentions. There are reasons why he was one of Wammy's top 3 students.
"You figured me out completely." I say softly, still trying to wrap my head around that fact. "I never imagined you would." Choosing my words carefully, I continue. "Please Matt, you have to believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you. It's just that you were so…determined to come with me…I thought that giving you a reason to hate me would… would be the best way to break it off. I had to do something to keep you from following."
I realize that, underneath the layers of bandages, my eyes are wet. Talking about this is bringing back all my repressed memories of that night, memories that I've refused to dwell on, mostly out of fear that I would break down entirely. I hurt like I did that night, but there is a difference.
He's with me this time, sharing in it all with me instead of me hiding all my reasons away. That makes all the difference in the world. I remember though that everything was always more bearable if he was involved, like when it was decided he was smart enough to be in the advanced classes with me. When I had him for company, rather than just being stuck working with the idiotic cream-puff, class instantly became less of a task. I think I managed to forget that, in the years since I left.
"Are…are you mad at me? I wouldn't blame you for hating me." I say, whispering the last part, unable to talk louder. There's no way I'll ever be able to make peace with myself unless I know the answer to that question. Even if his answer is yes, at least I can then resign myself to that fact. I'd like to think that I'll be able to move on, but I know I'm just lying to myself.
Matt is silent for a moment. "When you first left, I don't think I was angry at you so much as I was at myself. I believed what you said about me not being strong enough to protect myself. I guess I blamed myself for your leaving." I can't believe how calm he still sounds, especially when I know I'm losing it. I break him off, furious with myself for ever making him feel that way.
"Matt, I didn't leave because of you! You're the only reason I stuck around as long as I did! Please-" he cut me off, putting a hand over my mouth as he interrupted.
"Please Mello, let me finish." He says quietly. I nod and he uncovers my mouth.
"As I said earlier, after a while I figured out you were watching me. That's when I realized it wasn't my fault you left. I was really mad at you for a while, mostly wishing that you'd have just let me come, since I thought that would've been easier for both of us, but Mello, I've never hated you." He paused a moment before continuing.
"When you finally called me and asked me for help…" his voice fades and I feel a tear hit my face, but it's not mine. I know he's leaning over me.
"Me-mello, I was s-starting to think…that I'd never h-hear your v-voice again." His voice keeps breaking as he talks and a fresh wave of guilt ripples through me.
I reach for him with my good arm, guessing at where he is. Moving slowly, it only takes me a moment to find his face. He's crying more than I thought he was; years worth of contained emotion finally being released.
"I'll never leave you again Matt. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry…" I whisper, swearing to myself that I'll never be responsible for hurting him like this again. I feel him hold my hand with both of his, keeping it pressed against his face. He nods his head a little.
"I know you are Mello…I know…" he says quietly, though it's not quite a whisper.
We both sit there, well, fine, I'm lying down, but still, we're together and that's the important part. Neither of us tries to move; both of us staying frozen in that moment. I'm not afraid of losing him like I was, and I hope that he's feeling the same relief that I am. The part I'm still having trouble with is figuring out how I was able to leave at all. This reunion has made me aware of just how much he means to me, how much I rely on him. I still have to finish healing, emotionally more than physically. Even so, I'm fully certain at this point that I'll never willingly give him up again.