For 3 more days Robert walked on eggshells and thought of ways to try to get back in to his wife's good graces and move on from this bloody awful mess. It was a bloody awful mess … a great sodding mess that he created. He knew she had hurt feelings and that she felt betrayed more than anything else. He knew if the situation was reversed he would feel angry, betrayed and bitter. He would probably have thrown things, slammed doors and gotten drunk every night to stop thoughts of his wife in an embrace with another person. Just thinking about Cora wrapped in the arms of another man made his stomach clench and bile rise in his throat. She had never given him leave to be jealous, she had always been his, always been true to him and he had never feared she would stray. Some of their peers had fallen into affairs over time, but he and Cora had never done so. They had never had a conversation about it, but neither of them had questioned their feelings, their love, their bond. Running his hand through his hair he realized that his 3 heated kisses with Jane had done more than upset his wife, they had cracked at the unspoken bond of their love and he wondered in despair if it could ever be repaired.
Cora sat in Violet's drawing room sipping tea and joining in the mindless chatter shared by Mary, Rose, Isobel and Violet. Edith had once again gone to London for a meeting with her editor, something she was doing more and more often of late and Cora thought she aught to pay more attention to her middle ... her throat caught … her youngest daughter now.
"Cora?" Violet caught her daughter's gaze in her own and pulled her back from her distraction.
"I apologize, I was …"
"Yes distracted. We are aware dear. You have been very distracted of late, perhaps if you would care to tell us we could offer you some assistance. A trouble shared is a trouble halved" Violet's words were not harsh as they might have been even 10 years ago, but so much had happened in these intervening years and she and Cora had become rather close. Cora did feel as though she could tell Violet anything, after the Mary/ Pamuk incident she had seen that Violet would not turn on her. She had been a rock in the days following Sybil's death, an instigator in the reconciliation between Robert and herself after the tragedy had claimed not only Sybil but much of their marriage. Cora had debated turning to her mother in law for support after discovering Robert's dalliance but as yet had told no-one. She had locked it away in her heart and kept her peace as she tried to find her way through the pain of the betrayal, the great disappointment and heartache that was her now daily companion. She couldn't tell them now could she? She felt she had to talk with someone, desperately, but could she tell 4 people? Maybe if Isobel wasn't there she could have shared. Isobel was still so consumed in grief over Matthew that she would never want to add a burden. In addition she could not trust Isobel to keep her opinions to herself when around Robert. It would hurt him to think she had told Isobel. Why she should care about hurting Robert at this point was beyond her, old habits die hard. She couldn't tell Rose, that was a given. Not when her only example of marriage had been her parents strained and disjointed one. Not when she looked at her Uncle Robert like he hung the moon. Not when she so often gushed to Cora that she wanted a marriage such as hers. Then what of Mary? She couldn't tell her daughter that her father had faltered, not now that her own husband lay dead and buried and her heart ached so desperately for him. How could she destroy the image of her father as well? No – Cora decided she could not tell them, not all together, but if she could get Violet alone somehow she would pour her heart and soul out.
Another 2 days passed and nothing had changed. Robert was treating Cora with kid gloves and keeping more and more to himself. He had begun the practice of escorting her to down to dinner once again, neither of them had discussed it but he had shown up the last 3 evenings and Cora had silently placed her hand in the crook of his arm and let him lead her down the stairs. It had not gone unnoticed by her the way his arm felt comfortable beneath her hand and the almost imperceptible looks he would give her as they took their time descending the great staircase alone. It was the only time they had spent alone, Cora had continued to avoid him at all other costs, and he had not sought her out with any force since she had run from him the last time. Cora knew something had to change. It had been 2 weeks since she had found out and yet she was no closer to figuring it out.
Cora watched from her bedroom window as Robert strolled through the garden with Sybbie, pointing out roses to her much as he had done with her mother. Watching the two stroll the gardens made her smile momentarily as she thought of the gentleness of her husband, as she thought of her own sweet Sybil. Without warning Cora felt her breath tighten and tremendous grief wash over her. Watching as they made their way back inside she slid down the wall, her legs unable to hold her any longer. Tucking her legs up to her chin she buried her face into her legs and was overcome by great heart wrenching sobs. It was the quiet unexpected moments when her grief crept upon her that were the most difficult. She could usually keep her grief contained, she knew which moments, days, and situations would prove difficult and she steeled herself against them, but when it came out of nowhere it knocked the air out of her and came across like a great wave of grief. She felt perhaps her current sensitive situation with Robert had preoccupied her and not helped. She was aware her tears were not only for Sybil, the irony was not lost on her that it was Robert and Sybbie together that had caused her to be in such a state. Her body shook with the effort of her tears and she clutched her hands around her knees as if holding on for dear life.
Robert had enjoyed his walk with Sybbie a great deal. She had bought him joy in what had become some of his darkest days. He recalled the way he had done the same thing with his Sybil and it had caused his heart to ache at the memory. He could often forget that she was not simply away, but she was never coming back. His baby. It was more than he could bear to think of at times, and after returning Sybbie to nanny he walked solemnly upstairs. He needed just a few moments of privacy, in case a tear escaped, in case he couldn't contain the horror of his grief. Entering his dressing room he removed his jacket and hung it over the chair at his desk, he braced himself against the back of the chair and closed his eyes for a moment. He silently concentrated on breathing in and out and gathered his thoughts about him. As if from a great distance he heard a noise that was familiar to him. The sound of crying. He turned his head and took a few steps towards his wife's door and pressed his ear to the crack.
Cora!
He opened the door gently, preparing himself for the sight he might see. He hated to see her upset at any time, but being the cause of it was the worst kind of pain. If he didn't think he could feel worse then he was wrong, hearing his wife sob all alone because of his terribly actions made him want to throw up. When he stepped silently into the room it took him a moment to locate where she was. His eyes had immediately gone to the bed, but she was not there. Her vanity was also empty, had it not been for the now softer sound of her crying he would not have seen her, crumpled in a heap against the wall in a corner, alone. He felt he could actually hear the sound of his heart breaking as he took in the image of his wife of over 30 years huddled in the corner, legs drawn up, face buried in them, crying.
He did not care that he was the cause, he did not care that she had barely spoken to him in weeks, he did not care that he was the last person she would want to see … all he cared about was getting to her, making it better, taking care of her. In 3 great strides he crossed the room and sunk to his knees in front of her reaching his long arms around her huddled frame and pulling her against him.
Cora did not hear Robert enter her room. She had not supposed he would be upstairs at this time of day, she had not thought about much since her grief had overwhelmed her so treacherously. Her first indication he was there was when she heard his knees hit the floor in front of her, followed almost instantly by the feel of his strong arms around her and then her body pressed against his chest. At that moment she could not recall her anger, she could not generate an ability to fight against him. Her body needed him close to her, she needed him to hold her close and make her feel whole again, if just for this moment she needed him to complete her as he had done for so many years. So she let him hold her close, the weight of his arms around her body giving her the comfort she desperately needed. The feel of his chest against her face felt like home and she cried great streams of tears against his shirt. Eventually she released her hands from in front of her body and wrapped them around his waist and kneeled against him in their embrace.
For long minutes they held each other, Robert spilling several of his own tears as he ran one hand along the back of Cora's head and back. He tried to soothe her with silence, but eventually broke the barrier with words as she started to calm down. He hushed her softly into her ear. Gently offered hushed apologies and tender 'I Love yous'. He wondered if this was merely about his betrayal, or if there was more? Memories of Sybil perhaps? He knew how that could overwhelm. He prayed he was not the only cause of his wife's despair, but in his gut he felt he probably was. 30 years of marriage was something one would mourn over if they felt it was over. No! she couldn't think that could she. She had to know he didn't actually go to the full extent of betrayal and bed the maid. It was a kiss. 3. 3 Ridiculous kisses.
"Cora" he started gently as he pulled away slowly after she had calmed to normal breathing. He had to have her know the truth, they would recover from this. Surely. "I need you to know the truth about everything; you have to know that I never slept with her. Never. I kissed her. 3 times. It was ridiculous, it was stupid, I was stupid, but it has never happened before or since, and it never will. Never. Cora. Cora"
Cora stared at her husband's mouth barely even aware of what he said. He was apologizing again. Explaining how he never slept with her or something to that effect. She felt weak kneeling in front of him after crying for so long. His arms around her had given her strength, had made her feel whole … even it was not the case, for that small moment she had felt better wrapped in his arms. She was tired of hurting, tired of the pain of her broken shattered heart. Without thinking she wrapped her arms around him once more and pulled him against her crushing her lips against his in a fiery kiss. She felt his arms immediately wrap around her back and pull her closer to him, their bodies flush against the other, melded together in every crevice. She let her tongue slip into his mouth and felt his respond in kind. If simply holding him had made her feel whole, then this made her feel more in every way. She lifted one hand to the back of his neck and ran her hands through his hair and sighed contently at the feel of his lips on hers and the way his body felt against her. He continued to pull her to him, his arms holding her close as though he was afraid to let go. His lips savored every moment against her lips, his tongue warm and gloriously soft exploring her mouth. She could not let this end. She needed him. He was the only thing keeping her from a crumpled heap on the floor and she greedily took all that he had to give her.
Robert was on fire. Every pore of his body tingled as he felt Cora's arms roam up his back and through his hair. She felt magnificent beneath his hands and against his mouth. With great effort he pulled himself up to stand, bring her with him, not letting his lips leave hers, not letting go of her. He did not want this to end. He needed her. She was everything, together they were magnificent. Once standing Robert braved the change of position and moved his hands to bring them down to her hips and squeezed her softly before he let both hands roam up her sides, one reaching further to softly trace the line of her neck with his finger, the other gently reaching up to her breast where it hovered barely touching. She pulled him closer with her arm behind his back and his hand fell to cup her breast, he heard her gasp and sigh at the same time. He let his mouth move from hers and planted it passionately against her neck where his finger had been tracing her lines. She pulled his head down with her hand and ran her fingers through his hair as he kissed and sucked his way around her neck, sliding his tongue across her porcelain skin and tasting every inch of her elegance. She moved her hand from his back to run up the front of his shirt and gripped the front in a great fist. Their breathing had become ragged and hot. Their needs outweighing everything else.
Cora felt the intensity overcome her like a great fire. Her husband's hands were upon her, touching her all over. His mouth against her neck and not chest were more than she could take and she felt a great need between her thighs. Slowly, she pushed him backward, forcing him to move toward the bed as she followed, not wanting to separate his lips from her body, not wanting to break the connection. Finally she felt the bed stop their progress and ran both her hands across his shoulders and down the length of his arms as she appreciated his fine form. She felt his lips move back to her neck, then to her ear where he whispered "I am so sorry" before he nipped at her earlobe and back down to her neck. Hearing his apology caused Cora to freeze.
Sorry?
He was sorry? That's it. He was sorry. Had he kissed her this way? Had she run her hands through his hair? So far all they had done was kiss and yet Cora was slick and ready for him. Is that how she had felt. How he had felt? Before she could prevent the words from leaving her body they spilled forward.
"Is this how you kissed her?" Robert stopped dead and pulled his head up to look at her face. He lifted his palm to her cheek gently.
"Cora … " he said apologetically, he wanted to tell her that it had never been this way with Jane. That it could never be this way with anyone, he wanted to make her understand how sorry he was, how foolish he had been, but he did not get the chance to continue.
"Why?!" Cora took a step back as she suddenly yelled at him. "Why wasn't I enough?"
"Oh God! You are. You are more than enough. You are the more than I deserve, more than I ever deserved" he took a step toward her, his arms stretched to gather her to him again, she pushed him back.
"Why?!" she asked quietly. Her changing tones and moods were giving her a headache; she imagined he was very confused. She didn't even understand herself.
"I felt useless and lonely and it was an error. The biggest error of my life. Nothing happened more than a kiss. Believe me, please Cora believe me."
"I want to." She said gently, taking a small step forward reaching her hand out to softly lay her hand against his chest. She could feel his heart beat in her palm and wondered if hers even beat anymore, broken as it was.
"Oh Cora" he said breathlessly as he placed his hand on top of hers against his chest. Suddenly it was all too much. The feel of his heart beat, the tough of his hand, the look in his eyes, the sound of her name on his lips. She couldn't do this, she wasn't strong enough to face anymore grief today. Shaking her head she stepped back.
"I … I can't, I'm sorry, I can't" she said softly before she turned and walked quickly out the door.
"Cora!" he called after her .He could not move. He was transfixed trying to make sense of what had happened. One minute they were passionate, destined to make love in their bed, the next he stood alone in her room. His knees collapsed beneath him and he fell to the floor, back against her bed and buried his face I his hands.