The following months passed by more quietly. Chakotay worked with enthusiasm on their house until the new semester started and he and Kathryn could only go to Indiana on the weekends. They watched Miral from time-to-time and Kathryn spent a lot of time with Naomi who was feeling unsettled after her parents told her her father would move in, but with Kathryn's help she faced and appreciated it soon.
Kathryn and Chakotay also still worked on their own family. Without success. Kathryn was getting impatient and Chakotay told her often that they had only been trying a few months and this needed time but she didn't listen to his words. At first he was amused and liked the fact that she jumped at him every time they were alone but as time went by he started to worry. This wasn't like the Kathryn Janeway he knew, though he knew how she was when she wanted something. And in this case it included sex (with him!) so he didn't complain.
=/\=
Slowly summer changed into autumn and heavy grey clouds lay over San Francisco Bay.
Kathryn's mood was as grey as the fog.
She stood in her office, staring out of the window.
She had received a message from Starfleet command, telling her she had to go on a four week mission. Kathryn would rather give this mission to someone else and stay on Earth though she knew she was the best for this job.
If only I were in a better mood, she thought, sighing deeply.
She knew exactly why she was in a bad mood. This whole baby thing was driving her crazy and her impatience had turned into sorrow.
For some time now she pondered whether she could be the reason why she wasn't pregnant yet. She wasn't that young anymore but these days it was not unusual for women to have children at her age. So why hadn't they succeeded yet? Was it Chakotay's fault? Maybe.
Why is this so important to me? she asked herself.
She knew the answer and a smile tugged at her lips as she walked over to her desk, opening the bottom drawer. Carefully she picked a framed picture out; a picture of Chakotay and Miral, lying fast asleep in her bed, and Chakotay had his arm protectively around the little girl.
Kathryn took this picture as they failed to get Miral to sleep. She was mesmerized as she saw them and wanted to keep this sight forever so she took the photo but it wasn't really necessary, she only had to close her eyes and could see the two sleeping peacefully every time she wanted to. On this night she had known suddenly what she wanted even if she needed some time to fully realize it.
She touched the image softly and her smile reached her eyes.
If only I could have this on my own, she thought and her smile faded. When had this wish grow so large that she couldn't think of anything else anymore? She didn't know.
She turned her head and stared out into the fog.
=/\=
Four weeks.
Four weeks without her.
Chakotay didn't know how he'd survived it.
He dismissed his class and left the classroom, smiling as he heard one of his cadets whispering to another that he was glad that the admiral was coming back today. Lots of agreeing noises followed and Chakotay couldn't help but smirk. He had made their lives hard through the time he was alone but he needed to be busy since he missed his wife desperately. It was her first mission after their wedding and he knew of course that he couldn't join her but it had felt odd to let her go alone. At least Tuvok was with her.
Chakotay entered his office and ordered a tea from the replicator before he sat down behind his desk. Several piles of PADD's wanted to be read but he had only eyes for the chronometer.
One hour fifty-five minutes until Kathryn's ship should reach Earth's orbit.
Taking a sip of his tea, he grabbed a PADD.
The words in front of him didn't make sense and soon his eyes wandered to the chronometer again.
One hour fifty-two minutes.
He had survived four weeks, he would survive one hour fifty-two minutes more. He had to.
After the fourth time of trying to concentrate on the PADD he laid it aside. This wasn't going to work.
Maybe a walk could distract him.
He gathered his things and left the building. The weather was surprisingly friendly for a November day in San Francisco.
Using the nearby transporter, he went into the city and found himself in front of a café some time later. There was an old clock in the window.
One hour twenty-five minutes.
Another tea could help, he decided and went inside.
With a tea-to-go in his hands he stepped out and started to walk without a special destination.
As much as he missed Kathryn he hoped this journey had distracted her from their private task. She was so sad as she left and he hoped she was feeling better now and could think more clearly.
He sipped his tea and smiled in anticipation. There was one thing he wished wouldn't change…
He stopped abruptly as he recognized what was in front of him. Voyager. Her beloved starship; their beloved starship.
Confused he looked around. He hadn't noticed that he was on Presidio ground.
Voyager towered over the place and Chakotay shook his head slightly and chuckled. This ship was like a magnet, pulling at him.
Knowing that he had enough time he crossed the place to pay Voyager a visit but regretted his decision as he saw the mass of people in front of the entrance.
A blow hit him in his gut. These people wanted to see Voyager, wanted to know her story, wanted to touch her.
Suppressing the upwelling emotions, jealousy, anger, sadness, he stumbled a few steps backwards. He couldn't explain why it bothered him so much. Voyager had become a museum over half a year ago. He had been at the opening ceremony. He shouldn't react this way.
Maybe he did because she had been his home for seven years and as a private man he didn't like to have strangers in the places he loved.
As he turned to get away someone called out in his direction. "Commander!"
He would've groaned and tried to hide if he hadn't recognized this voice. "Kathryn?!" he said visibly surprised.
She stood a few meters away and before he could fully realize it she rushed into his arms.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, hugging her tight.
"We're early," she said and held him at arm's length. "I was at your office but you weren't there so I asked the transporter chief and he told me you left an hour ago, beaming into the city. I thought…," she gestured over to Voyager. "And I was right."
Still a little stunned he touched her cheek softly and his face broke into a grin. Leaning into her, he gave her a proper welcome home kiss.
"Welcome back," he whispered as their lips parted. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too."
He studied her face and noticed a shimmer in her eyes. "How are you?"
She smiled the brightest smile her ever saw. "I don't feel very well…"
"Kathryn?" He frowned.
"I felt sick for the whole journey."
A flutter began to rise in his stomach. "Space sickness," he guessed.
"I don't think so."
"The flu?"
She shook her head and the flutter tingled through his whole body.
"Hmmm, maybe it was because I wasn't at your side?" he grinned.
She pursed her lips playfully. "No."
"Or you were homesick."
"I rarely feel homesick."
He tightened his grip and pulled her close. "That leaves only one thing…" He let his voice trail off and showed her his dimples.
"Yes."
"Sure?"
"No, but the symptoms are."
"Kathryn!" he shouted excited.
"We are going to have a baby."
He lowered his head and kissed her tenderly.
"We should go to the Doctor," he said after he broke the kiss.
"As soon as possible."
=/\=
Luckily they could transport to Starfleet Medical the next afternoon where the Doctor awaited them.
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," he joked after he called them in.
"No emergency, Doctor," Kathryn replied. "I wasn't feeling well."
"You weren't feeling well?" He raised one of his holographic eyebrows. "Normally it takes you more than a little un-well-being to come to me."
She gave him a death glance and he ducked his head and guided her quickly to a biobed. She sat on the bed and Chaktotay took her hand as the Doctor began to scan her.
"Hmmm…"
"Doctor?" Kathryn asked with hopeful excitement.
He closed his tricorder and smiled, pleased. "There is nothing wrong with you."
Her face fell. "Nothing? There is nothing?"
"Everything is fine," he assured her. As he saw the disappointed and almost sad expressions on the faces of his former command team he frowned. "Should there be something wrong?"
"No, I just thought…," Kathryn looked down and swallowed her emotions before she faced the Doctor. "I thought I might be pregnant."
"Oh!" The Doctor opened his tricorder again and scanned her midsection carefully but shook his head. "I'm sorry, Admiral. You aren't pregnant."
It was quiet before Chakotay spoke. "Is she okay? She felt sick through the journey."
"She is okay. I guess it was spacesickness. Many crewmembers on several ships had through the last few weeks symptoms of spacesickness. There was a neutronic wave near the Eridanus system."
"I heard about it," Kathryn said low. "But I rarely feel spacesick so…"
"Don't worry, we'll try on," Chakotay interrupted her and Kathryn could muster a small smile and nodded at him.
"I want to run some tests," the Doctor said and gathered his tools. "I think I can find a way to help you increase your chances."
Kathryn laid down and Chakotay stepped aside while the Doctor ran his tests.
Twenty minutes later he was finished and Kathryn sat up.
"I'll check my scans. Please wait here, I'll be right back," the Doctor said and left for his office, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay alone.
"How are you?" Chakotay asked.
Kathryn made a grunting noise and leaned her forehead against Chakotay's chest. "I've felt better."
Rubbing her back, he kissed her hair and couldn't stop a smile. 'I've felt better' was much more than her usual 'I'm fine'. "I'm sure the Doctor will find something that'll help us," he said, placing his chin on her head. "And then we can go home and have…"
"Chakotay!" She slapped him playfully.
"Yes," he grinned like the devil himself. "You will have me."
She straightened her back to look at him. "You're incorrigible," she told him but her twinkling eyes gave her away.
He was happy that he had lifted her mood and cupped her cheeks and kissed her. Feeling her relaxing, he deepened the kiss and his hands dropped to her shoulders while hers wandered over his body.
Suddenly the Doctor cleared his throat loudly beside them and they jumped apart.
Kathryn blushed but got her expression quickly under control and squared her shoulders. "Doctor?"
"Admiral, Commander, I checked my scans," he said hesitantly, fiddling with the PADD in his hands. "You are menopausal, Admiral."
Kathryn froze. Helplessly the Doctor looked at Chakotay, only to see that he was stunned, too.
"I want to take further scans," the Doctor said empathically to get their attention.
"No," Kathryn shook her head. "We should go home."
"Admiral…"
"No!" she said a little too loud and stopped herself. "Thank you, Doctor."
Getting off the bed, she took Chakotay's hand and the Doctor could only watch as they left.
On their walk home it was awfully quiet. Kathryn showed no emotions and Chakotay didn't know what to think of it at all.
As they were home he opened the door. Walking in, she took her coat off and hung it on the wardrobe, rubbing her face when her hands were free.
"Are you thirsty?" he asked.
She raised her head and shook it and he noticed how hard she pressed her lips together. "Kathryn…," he started but her cry interrupted him.
"It's my fault!"
"It's nobody's fault," he replied firmly. "There are things not even you can change. It's just nature."
"But if I had let you in my life sooner…"
"There is a time for everything. And we needed this time." He tried to look her in the eyes but she avoided his gaze.
"Now it's too late," she said sadly and he followed her into their bedroom where she lay down on her side of the bed. "We will never have children because of me."
"We will have other things and we have other opportunities to have children."
"I want yours." She grabbed her pillow.
His heart broke at the sight of her and he sat down beside her. "I know. And I want yours but the galaxy has decided that we can't have our own children. We have to accept it."
"I can't," she whispered. "I don't want to…"
He started to caress her hair. "One day you will," he soothed her quietly.
"It's my fault…"
"It is not! Stop saying that."
He pulled his shoes off, lay down behind her and took her in his arms. This night they made love; gentle, tender, just to feel each other. And he promised her to be there for her and she promised him to give herself time.