Link and Zelda woke up from their nap.
"That was amazing." Link told Zelda.
"It was, wasn't it?" Zelda agreed, "Why are you working for Ganondorf again?"
"I found out he's my father." Link explained, "Plus, he keeps the raping to a minimum. Gerudo women are notoriously horny and won't settle for toys or lesbianism."
"Pity. An army of a few thousand with only a few to keep them satisfied."
"We should probably get going." Link told her, "If I'm late for whatever he doesn't inform me about, Ganondorf's going to increase the number of Gerudos I have to satisfy every day."
"Wait." Zelda told him as he reached for his tunic. There was just something about his new, pure Gerudo body that gave Zelda an urge, a need, that she's never experienced before. "I have to dress you."
"Come again?"
"I have to dress you." Zelda explained, "That body. That hair. I… I have to dress you. Please, this is even more important than any Bingo Night or anything else for that matter."
"Even more important than that magazine about hot girls kissing other hot girls that I have?" Link asked, "The one with you on the cover?"
"More important than that." Zelda explained, "Gerudos don't kiss each other?"
"Unless you count me or Ganondorf, no. Believe me, a few of them tried when the supply of fertile men got cut off. It was just awkward. It wasn't even that hot. What were we talking about again?"
Zelda pulled a dress out of her closet and told Link.
"I have to dress you. I've been saving this dress for just this occasion. It's your size."
"Why would you keep a dress that doesn't really fit you?" Link asked.
"So that we could be dress buddies." Zelda explained, "Look, you even get gloves. Me, I'm content with just wearing a skirt and walking around half-naked."
"Wha? I'd ask if the transformation fried your brain, but that wouldn't explain why you prepared for this ahead of time."
"Always be prepared." Zelda told him, "Not just regular prepared. Always be crazy Keeseman prepared. You never know when a can of shark-repellant spray is going to come in handy. Now shut up and let me dress you."
"Of all the girls to get transformed into my dog, it had to be the crazy one."
"You know you want to wear it."
"I do." Link told her, "Is there something in the water here?"
"Not really. Now quit fighting and let me dress you."
"You're going to be late." A Gerudo told him as she opened the door.
"Let me dress you." Zelda told Link.
"Let the bitch dress you." the Gerudo told him, "We don't want the female prisoners/slaves to get any ideas.
Link tried to hold back the cursing as Zelda got to work. Prince or not, he still ranked pretty low in the Gerudo hierarchy. When Zelda was done, the Gerudo grabbed Link's arm and dragged him out of the room.
"I don't know what you're complaining about." the Gerudo told Link, "I thought those were royal clothes. You're royalty, are you not?"
"They're girl clothes." Link told her.
"Clothes have no sexual organs."
"Hyrulean culture is different from Gerudo culture." Link explained, "For example, women don't outnumber men four thousand to two. They've developed different clothing styles for men and women."
"You're Gerudo now." the Gerudo explained, "Gerudos don't make 'boy clothes' or 'girl clothes'. We just make clothes, mostly since it would be pointless to design completely different clothing for just one or two guys a century. That's why you have to wear a bra."
"Can't I just not wear a bra?" Link asked.
"Which one of us is going to get a new pair of big breasts later?"
"What?"
"We Gerudo have our own unique blend of conformity and individuality." she explained, "Don't worry. Ganondorf has breasts under that armor. Flat chests are weird."
"Everyone's weird." Link countered, "You give men breasts. Zelda has a weird dress fetish. Ganondorf has a lot of issues best not delved into. The King of Hyrule abandoned a well-stocked and easily defended castle as well as hundreds of support personnel. The Kokiri are a group of racist dicks. I'd say flat chests are pretty normal by comparison."
"Not really."
"You wouldn't understand." Link told her, "Guys have flat chests. You would know that if you knew guys that you didn't give big breasts to."
When they reached the party, the Gerudo blocked the door to keep Link from explaining.
"Nice clothes." Ganondorf told him, "Who gave them to you."
"Zelda did." Link told him.
"I made him look pretty." Zelda explained as she walked into the room. Like Link feared, she was only wearing a long skirt, "We're dress buddies."
"What did I see in you?" Link asked.
"A dress buddy!" Zelda told him.
"At least the sex was good." Link said, "I never want to wear this thing again."
"What's so bad about wearing that?" Ganondorf asked, "I've seen you wear skirts before."
"It's women's clothing." Link explained, "and my tunic is not a skirt. It's just a shirt."
"You're a Gerudo." Ganondorf countered, "Being the only two male Gerudo around, all we get is women's clothing. Frankly, neither of us can wear Hyrulean pants. Not with our large reproductive organs."
"You have a point." Link admitted, "Can we do something about Zelda? Her four furry boobs are creeping me out."
"They keep Tingle out of Hyrule." Ganondorf explained, "If we covered them up, that fairy dude will float right in here and sell us maps. Do you want that? Do you want his maps."
"This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder." Link complained, "First, Zelda gets turned into a dog."
"Wolf." Ganondorf corrected.
"Then I get put in a dress." Link continued.
"Women like a man whose genitals aren't crushed and cooked by pants." Ganondorf explained, "They like your new outfit."
"They like anything I wear as long as it involves no underwear. Even now, they're having a hard time keeping their eyes off my crotch. Can't you have those Twinrova witches cook up some lesbianism potion or something."
"Just be glad those witches solved the infamous monthly massacres." Ganondorf told Link, "Not to mention the devastating rape surges that have haunted Gerudo men since the first Gerudo man had his virginity forcefully taken from him when he and the first Gerudo woman started work on their first child. Since then, we Gerudo men have been both their masters and their slaves. You can be sure that when this first stage of our war is over, we'll be put back to work satisfying their lust."
"That's horrible. I mean, you expect this sort of behavior in Mute City or Cerinia. Maybe even your average Burger Overlord: Oppression on a Bun. But here? In this modern age of harvested pixie dust and mass-produced Crusades? Our space agency put a man in a tree. Our best military minds have combined pointy sticks with throwing to come up with the "throw pointy stick" tactic. We attached a ball to a cup on a stick by a length of string. It's safe to say we're a technologically advanced people. We should know better."
"You've spent too much time among the Hylians." Ganondorf told Link, "It's the natural order! There's nothing natural about pants, but that's what they wear! Pants! They're freaks! If you were a real feared warrior, drenched in manly sweat and the female reproductive juices of a dozen satisfied women, you'd proudly prance gaily in the girliest dress you could find. You'd, well, the women would force you to love another male for their sick amusement. It makes them hornier. The last I saw of Bill, he was having a heart attack in the middle of sexual intercourse with Nabooru. With his dying breath, he said he loved me. That's why homosexuality is banned. It only turns the women on more, unless it's lesbianism. That just grosses them out. Then they start the punishment sex. Each thrust felt like it was shattering my pelvis. My heart could barely handle the stress. I had to be fed in bed, for I could neither stand nor walk for weeks. Then I met your mother. After fleeing from game show hosts during the war, she tried to hide in the forest. The Great Deku Tree found and killed her and raised you as the next offering to the flames of hatred, slaughter, and daytime television. I got so much punishment sex when they learned the sex was consensual. Even now, my crotch bares the scars of the hardship. To this day, they look at my crotch with anger and lust…."
Link watched Ganondorf collapse into a ball, shaking and struggling to turn sounds into words.
"And now he has shellshock." Link thought, "There has to be a way out of this nightmare. After the battle, I could secretly make a run for it. I heard Terminia's Gerudo Pirates need a fifth member for their four-Gerudo band. We'll prep the fleet and start a wholesome, wonderful new life of pillage and plunder like all good, selfless people do. Arson is always a sign of righteousness, as is needless slaughter of innocents. I'll be a saint!"
"Right here, right now!" Nabooru demanded, "You and the wolf chick will make love for our amusement. 69. You can take off the dress, but the boots and gloves stay on."
Link could smell the hormones in the air. Something told him he wasn't going to get any rest until morning and that no woman in that room was going to leave untouched and unsatisfied.
"But we already did it this morning." Link explained.
"I wouldn't mind putting our tongues to better use." Zelda told him seductively.
"What is it with you women?" Link asked, "All you think about is sex. Sex and mathematics.
"They go together." Nabooru explained, "Each act correlates with a different mathematical function AND at least one formula. Why, the simple act of sucking your cock when our vaginas aren't in the mood requires heavy use of quadratic equations. Cowgirl uses advanced Algebra. 69 requires the memorization and application of the Order of Operations™. Doggy style is impossible without factoring in the mathematical relationship between gravity and at least three unique types of time, like standard, subatomic, inter- and intrauniversal, etc."
"Are you high?" Link asked, "It's like your blood fermented or something."
"High with lust." Nabooru told him, "High with lust. Now get started on that 69. Don't forget PEMDAS^2. You better hurry up. I don't think Zelda can hold out much longer and you don't want to upset someone who has your wiener in mouth."
"Do you listen to yourself talk?"
"I tune it out sometimes." Nabooru told him, "Now shut up and get started. The girls and I are waiting for our show."
"You're a bitch."
"And you're going to be tongue-deep in wolf pussy." Nabooru taunted.
"I hate you.", Link told her, "I hate each and every one of you horny little rapist sluts."
"We know you love us." Nabooru told him, "and we love you. Mostly your penis. It's why your sex was put on this planet. To be the sex toys of my sex, since the only alternatives would be ignoring our favorite need and the most disgusting act ever conceived by two horny girls with wicked intentions."
"Interpretive dance?" Link asked, "Everything else you believe is a Frankenstein monster of random ideas, concepts, and incomplete thoughts."
"I'm talking about lesbian sex." Nabooru explained. Every Gerudo woman in the room shuddered, "The very idea, the very concept, application, and enjoyment of it reeks of failure and ill intent. To think that two members of the master sex could engage in it without the sexual inclusion of the slave sex can't possibly be born of good intentions."
"There were few men anywhere near the fortress. From my understanding, you need sex more than you need air."
"That's why we have slaves like you and Ganondorf." she explained as she removed Link's dress and helped Zelda force him to the floor, "It's why we'll enslave the Rito to capitalize on their ability to survive the rigors of Gerudo sex. It's why we'll change the world order for the better. We fight and you fuck."
"Normally, I'd welcome such a change." Link told Nabooru, "But there's something about getting raped by desert Amazonians that doesn't fill me with the expected joy and excitement."
"Sounds like someone needs more punishment sex. Don't worry. We won't rest, we won't even slow down until you're loving your new place in the world."
"Adventuring wasn't so bad." Link told himself, "I made some friends. I killed some friends. I even ate some friends. Steve was delicious. Patty could have used some seasoning, though. She tasted like half-burnt bacon grease mixed in dirty pond water that's spent the last few years aging and fermenting like wine. I had to give up cannibalism after that. Hylian flesh just wouldn't taste the same after the burnt-bacon lady. No wonder people called her 'Pretty Putrid Patty'. The alliterative appeal was just too much."
"You fail to realize the plurality of the situation." Nabooru warned.
"And you fail to realize the singularity of the situation." Link countered, "and how it goes to define the plurality in a cause:effect relationship."
"You win this round." Nabooru growled.
"Really? I was just making a long sentence out of random words and phrases."
"Remove skirt and mount slave." Nabooru ordered. Zelda removed her skirt and sat on top of Link's chest. "Insert penis."
Zelda obeyed, grabbing Link's cock and inserting it into her mouth.
"Link, insert tongue A into slot B."
Link disobeyed Nabooru.
"I repeat, insert tongue A into slot B before mouth C bites down on rod D."
Link reluctantly obeyed, sending shivers up Zelda's spine. Zelda squealed in delight.
"That's a good boy." Nabooru told him, "Keep this up and we might just reduce the planned increase from at least eight down to no more than five."
"This sucks." Link thought, "I'm doing way less killing than I wanted. Kokiri Village is still in a not-burned state. The King of Hyrule is probably laughing at me from his Armchair of Deceit™. Meanwhile, here I am licking a wolf's pussy for the entertainment of horny Amazonians in one of the few instances I wished the women around me were lesbians."
=====The next morning=====
"We can't keep risking him." Nabooru argued, "Plus, Gerudos that aren't fighting get pretty horny and I doubt we have enough expendable Hylians to keep them satisfied."
"I see your point." Ganondorf told her, "Nonetheless, he is a key asset on the battlefield. He has a piece of the Triforce, the idiot part, and he knows the forest terrain better than any other Gerudo. The girls just need to learn a little self control."
"I'm afraid that's the problem." Nabooru told him, "There's no way to teach them enough self control in such a short time to keep them from destroying everything."
"Are you sure they aren't at least bisexual?" Ganondorf asked, "Surely, they can learn to not hate it so much."
Nabooru was shocked.
"I'd expect that question from a Hylian." she told him, "Never a Gerudo. No, Gerudo women won't kiss each other, won't hold each other's hand in a romantic way, and have never and will never engage in a sexual relationship with one another. They need dick and lots of it."
"They'll have to suck it up." he told her, "We're in a war, not an orgy. Tell them they'll have to keep their pants on until Kakariko Village is secured, Kokiri Village is burned, the Rito are made into our pets and sex slaves, and good relations are formed between Terminia and the Gerudo empire."
"They're not going to like that." Nabooru warned, "You're asking for a bloodbath."
"Control the women." Ganondorf ordered, "This isn't sex, so I'm in charge now. Control them now or I'll control them by sending them in a suicide run against the Hylian-Kokiri defenses. Survivors will be spayed."
"They'll survive, they'll return, and they'll exact their revenge. I'll give the orders, but you should lock your door tonight. In fact, you should probably sleep with Link and Zelda with the dresser and bed against the door. They'll cool off in the morning."
"I'll keep that in mind." Ganondorf told her, "Back to business, how are the Kakariko Village's defenses looking?"
"They're rebelling against the king's guards." she explained, "Reports indicate the militia will fight by our side in liberating their town. It's unknown if they'll lend support in the attack on the forest."
"What about the Gorons?"
"They're ready to attack the king's troops."
"What about the Zoras?"
"They're prepping an invasion force."
"What do we know about the Rito?"
"Their military consists of a few guards. Capture their chief and they'll surrender. We can have them here within a few hours."
"Good. Move the majority of our reserves back to the fortress. Have the main invasion force ready in a few hours. I want it to be entirely infantry. Attack in one wave, spreading out to create maximum confusion for the king's forces. Afterwards, have the engineers build defenses."
"Yes sir."
"Send a platoon to secure the ranch. I have a feeling there the young woman there is a bit of a bisexual, if not a lesbian, and can keep Zelda busy here during the invasion. Maybe put her in a horse suit or something. Have to stick to a theme."
"Yes sir."
"Control your women or I'll have each and every one of them entombed alive inside the Spirit Temple's walls. I'm instituting a sex-free policy until after the Kakariko attack. Violators will be forced into lesbian sex. Kissing won't be optional. Also, have our scientists come up with some sort of lesbian potion or something. If they're that desperate, don't make it optional."
"Yes sir."
The two left the meeting room and went their separate ways.
"We need a new leader." Nabooru thought, "That bastard needs to learn his place."