BLINDSIDED

A/N: Two chapters [4 & 5] uploaded this week - hope they won't disappoint. I would like to thank everyone who read, reviewed, followed, and/or favorited the story. Your support truly encourages me to keep writing. Cheers!

HARVEY SPECTER

New plan. Take the night off. – HS

Harvey sent the text to Ray and briskly took off, walking away from the theater. It didn't matter where he was going. He just needed to get out of there. That was his new plan.

It was almost midnight and the busy city blazed with life. But Harvey scarcely took notice of the noises around him. He was a wreck inside - a tumult of emotions he didn't want to acknowledge. Usually when Harvey needed an outlet, he boxed to vent his frustrations. Sometimes, he drank to forget. Or if Mike knew he needed company, the kid would invite himself over to Harvey's place and brood with him. For less severe moods, Mike would tease him mercilessly with elderly jokes. It was all done in good humor.

Tonight, Harvey found that he couldn't do any of it. It was too late to visit his boxing club. He didn't want to risk another attack with a drink – a high possibility given how wired he was. And he definitely couldn't involve Mike for this. Not when it was about Donna.

The truth was, Harvey didn't have anyone to turn to. Donna had been the only one who ever came remotely close to being meaningfully involved in his life. She'd been there for him when his father died. She'd encouraged him to patch things up with his mother. She'd used to remember all the important dates that should matter to him, and then made sure he did too. For a long time, Donna had been his person. How mocking it was that his person, albeit former, was also currently at the center of the mess he couldn't resolve.

He congratulated himself for being such a fool. It wasn't every day that Harvey Specter got blindsided. How had he not heard about Donna and the producer? It would have been impossible to miss when Louis was always going on about the guy's shows. At one point, Louis had even asked if they could take him as their client. Naturally, it had taken one mere look at Harvey's 'don't-you-dare' face to completely remove the idea from Louis's head.

Yes, he'd known about their professional collaborations. But, a romantic relationship? Judging from the crowd's strong reactions to the proposal, it seemed no one had known about it, too. Everyone had been taken by surprise.

He never would have shown up. He never would have set himself up like that. If only he had known. Damn it all, he was such a fool.

Harvey shook with rage, unsure if he was angrier with himself or with the woman he thought he knew. Because it was apparent from what happened tonight that he didn't know anything about Donna anymore.

On second thought, he shouldn't be congratulating himself. He should be congratulating Donna.

FLASHBACK: THE PROPOSAL

'Donna Roberta Paulsen, marry me.'

Even before everything began to unravel, Harvey knew it was going to be gut wrenching. But like a moth to a flame, he couldn't make himself turn away.

Had Donna asked him here to see this? But, why? To show him that she'd won? To get back at him? What did she want with him?

If Harvey were a decent man, he would be happy for her. Whether as a friend or an old acquaintance, he should wish her well. She had found success in her career. And now, in her personal life. But instead of joining in the audience's merriments, Harvey felt like he was going to be sick. The thought of Donna spending the rest of her life with another man made it feel final. It made her out of reach. He couldn't even bring himself to smile for her.

He had to give it to Donna. The whole night had been orchestrated so perfectly. She'd delivered a glorious performance. That ending monologue almost had him reaching out to her. He'd felt her pain and shared her suffering. Harvey had wanted nothing more than to comfort her. But it had all been a set up to lead into this staged proposal. He'd staggered through all those emotions only to watch her become engaged to another man.

Harvey despised himself for being so guileless. What had he expected to accomplish by seeing her again? Did he believe he could heal? Instead, he was going to break again. It was already breaking him all over again.

Though Harvey innately knew Donna wasn't cruel, what he was seeing wouldn't let him believe otherwise. His heart pounded frantically in his ears, every nerve strained to the edge. Even so, Harvey doggedly fought to appear indifferent. He took a deep breath and told himself that he didn't have to tolerate this. Not for her. Donna had not seen him, and he was going to leave this place with his pride intact.

Harvey had every intention of walking out. Disregarding his instincts, he stole a glance towards the stage and froze. There she was, looking back at him. Against the bright lights, he couldn't read her. His mind couldn't rationalize a thing as his eyes burned with suppressed hurt and anger. When he moved his gaze lower, the sight of her hand in another man's nearly shattered the last shred of control Harvey had.

Consciously squaring his shoulders, he put on a brave face, devoid of any emotions. Harvey brashly gave Donna a half-nod, turned around, and strode out of the theatre. He never looked back. He didn't dare because his heart, as much as he hated to admit, couldn't bear it a second longer.

Harvey walked on and on. He walked until his face started to feel numb from the cold wind. He walked until his feet hurt in his dress shoes. He walked until the city lights began to dim. Still, he kept on walking.

He wished he could erase the proposal from his mind. He wished he had stuck to the things he 'didn't do' and never saw Donna again. But in spite of whatever he wished, even hours later, the woman continued to dominate his thoughts. When his anger finally gave in to physical exhaustion, Harvey relented and hailed a ride home.

In the backseat of the cab, Harvey loosened his tie and sighed. He looked out the window only to catch his own reflection staring back. Hello, idiot, Harvey silently chided.

No, he couldn't let this nuisance upend his world. Tonight, he would go home, take a hot shower, and have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow, he would start anew. He had dealt with it before. He could deal with it again. Didn't Dr. Sloane say he needed closure? Nothing screamed closure more than Donna marrying another man, right? Donna had obviously moved on. He would too.

Fifteen minutes later, the cab pulled up in front of his place. As soon as Harvey entered the lobby, the receptionist greeted him, "A late night, Mr. Specter? There's a…"

Usually, Harvey would exchange a few pleasant words with the young man. But it was close to 3 A.M. and Harvey was too drained for polite conversations.

"Hey Rob. I'm really beat. Maybe another time?"

The receptionist stopped mid-sentence. He smiled empathetically and went to hold the elevator open. Harvey thanked him before plodding in. When the doors closed, Harvey felt the emotional walls he'd so carefully constructed begin to crumble. The fight was leaving him and pain was sordidly taking its place. He swallowed the lump that lodged in his throat, unwilling to give in. He was failing miserably.

Once Harvey stepped inside his apartment, he stilled. The lights were on. He wondered how he'd forgotten to switch them off. After closing the door, he toed off his shoes. Harvey flinched against the sting, his feet hating him for the punishing walk. He shrugged off his suit jacket and trudged towards his bedroom. He was about to drape the jacket across the couch when he caught a shadow outside the balcony. It was too dark to see, so he moved closer for a better look. When his eyes focused, his breath hitched.

Harvey blinked, uncertain if his mind was imagining it. The scene before him was too familiar; for a second, it even felt like the most natural occurrence. Except it wasn't. He had no right to such longing anymore. The sight of 'what could have been' was exquisite but also, painstakingly sad.

So much for closure, Harvey thought.

For the second time tonight, Harvey was blindsided again. He was going to suffer the aftermaths. Again. And this time, it would be by his own doing because he was about to say and do things he would regret. Even knowing so, he did it anyway.

Harvey opened the balcony door, and in a callous tone that chafed even his own ears, he greeted his guest.

"What the hell are you doing here, Donna?"

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