Title: A Faithless Rhapsody
Author: Jane McCartney
Disclaimer: Do I look like a genius? Perhaps (Cough! Cough! Ahem) but not a god, eh? Of course Buffy's characters aren't mine, but Joss'. Though I'm still inclined to believe that the man made a diabolical pact and sold his soul to the Devil, to get them first. Damn!
Classification: A Buffyverse four chapter fanfic, from Buffy's POV.
Rating: PG13
Feedback: If I could, I'd marry all that give it. As Spike would say, 'nuff said.
E-mail: janemccartney@bol.com.br
Distribution: Anywhere, I don't mind, just credit me and inform me where it's at.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to everyone who made this what it is today. And, of course, a big special thanks to Theo – with the English grammar and all the required adaptations. Once again, he's saving my butt in this project.
Author's Note: It's a different kind of fiction, with a different proposition, I guess. Deals with Buffy-Xander friendship and, as a good old Beatlemaniac, there'll be three of their songs following each of the three chapters. Buffy's POV. Well, be nice with me. Uh, pleeease? Remember, even when Theo was a big help helping me with the English, he couldn't change the whole fic, and English isn't my native language.
Summary: Buffy's silent cries to feel are getting her deeper and deeper into a powerful web of lies and isolation, from which she may not be able to get out later. Who will catch her when she falls?
***
Help! I need somebody
Help! Not just anybody
Help! You know I need someone
Help!
When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
And now these days are gone
And I'm not so self assured
Now I find I've changed my mind
I've opened up the doors
~~~~~~
"There was this little game I used to play, where I'd picture you laughing, you were so beautiful Buff... you were so calm and serene, like I hadn't ever seen you before. You told me you were all right, that we didn't need to worry 'cause we were gonna be together again one day, and that you'd be waiting for us. You were smiling," Xander tells me.
Apparently, the gray color of the street pavement seems to fascinate him, 'cause his eyes still avoid any kind of contact with mine.
And, once again, for the second time that day, I know it isn't because he's ashamed of me, but himself.
"That was before The Night. That's how I call it now, ya know? The Night. I mean it, I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, and you can believe me when I say a lot of them were doozies. But this one, this one takes the cake any way you wanna look at it."
"Xander," I say, surprising even myself. His eyes widen at the mention of his name, easily showing he wasn't expecting this at all.
"I can't tell you I never blamed you, 'cause that'd be just another big, fat lie. And, honestly, I know I'll hate myself for saying this later, but I just don't feel like lying to you any longer."
I arch my eyebrows, sending him something one could say was an attempt at a playful gaze. "Although, recent events say you'd discover it anyway."
He chuckles. I chuckle too.
Then we go silent again, rapidly forgetting all about this brief instant. Something that used to be so common in older, happier days.
We remember how we've changed. And I swear, really, it's like the saddest cloud suddenly decides to completely cover us or something. Just like that, coming out of nowhere.
"There's this part of me," I continue, not exactly knowing what the hell I'm gonna say next. "The part that I've been trying to deny so much – a part that wants to believe, but just isn't strong enough to do that."
He looks at me questioningly.
Little Miss Muffet, time to explain yourself.
~~~~~~
Help me if you can I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please please help me?
~~~~~~
"I want to believe, Xander, but I know I can't. I can't laugh anymore; I just don't understand what's so goddamn funny... and that, it confuses me so much. You were... are, everything to me. I should try, for you guys, but I'm simply not your... I ain't no hero."
"Buffy..."
"No. I'm sorry, but I can't be your Buffy anymore. I'm failing with you, failing your trust and your love, but still you're here, trying to reach me... believe me when I say I wish you could, but you can't."
The bitterness in his eyes, it's like being stabbed over and over and over again.
"Are you for real, Buffy? I mean really, are you? Can't you see it? You're here! For us! Have you ever once thought why you just didn't send us all to Hell, why you kept trying to hide from us, feeling..." he gulps, "ashamed, thinking you're disappointing us when *we're* the ones guilty in this court?"
Now it's my eyes that take on a widened gaze and I can almost literally sense my mouth freezing, as he looks at me with a mixture of tartness and sad contemplation in his dark eyes.
"You're more hero than any of us. We – I, I hurt you more than any weapon ever could, any punch or kick, any villain that showed up in Sunnyhell or any curve balls life threw at you. And, honestly, it sucks. It really, really sucks."
I don't quite remember when his gentle arm takes my right hand, and smoothly places it on top of my heart. "You've got the most beautiful heart, soul and mind I've ever met. You prefer to believe this is your fault, even when you've got every right to never want to look at us in the face again..."
A pause. "And you may think it's otherwise, maybe 'cause you just can't see it any other way, but you're wrong if you do. It's just 'cause you are who you are, Buff, a hero. A real-life hero."
I... please, don't do it... I, I can't... I can't believe in what's just not true...
I can't hope, Xander, it's just stupid, and it'll be in vain, just deal with it! Don't let me hope...
"You aren't flawless, Buff. You're real, understand me? And that's exactly why you're a true hero, 'cause you're not perfect. You've learnt and lived, and you've coped with things that weren't exactly fair, but you made it through anyway... and your heart, you've got such a beautiful heart, I just..."
"No," I reply in a harsh voice, but Xander doesn't look surprised at all. "I'm a monster, and it doesn't matter how I became... it! Shit, stop it! I can't hope anymore, don't you get it? I can't risk trying to feel again, 'cause it'll be just too painful in the end..."
Breathe, Buffy.
"I promised Mom and I failed her, so what does that makes me? A freaking hero? I really don't think so, and you gotta get this: I'm not your Buffy. And maybe, what the hell, maybe I never was!"
Breathe, Buffy.
"I don't wanna feel, but I wanna... I, I'm dangerous, I've got all this Slayer power and I just can't risk mistakes I know I'll make... it's safer, and it's painful, but I can't feel this pain, I just know it's suffocating me slowly, and I'm confused, and the only thing I'm capable of feeling is death! I even stink at it!"
Breathe, Buffy.
"And you saying all those things, it just messes with my head even more! I... just... can't... I can't remember how to feel and it makes me wanna die, but I won't... it's killing me, don't you get it? But I can't help it, even though I want to and I don't at the same time, and I don't even know what's the point of trying anymore! I mean it's meaningless anyway, isn't it?"
Breathe, Buffy.
"Please... just don't make me hope, OK? It's futile, it's childish, it's stupid; you're stupid and I am too, this whole freaking world's goddamn stupid! I'm. No. Hero. I screwed up with Dawn, with you guys, with Mom... I wanted, I wished, oh for God's sake, I wished I could hate you with all my strength, but..."
"Are you sure, Buff?" Again, Xander's bitterness is clear and evident, and a spark of rage and excitement is growing arduously inside him. I can even savor it.
"Why didn't you just end it all, then? Or, why didn't you just spit in our faces? Tell me, c'mon... I'm the one who tore you out of Heaven, remember? I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and I didn't stop Wills from puking out a snake. I was the weak, self-seeking little brat, who only wanted his Buffy back.... tell me, in all honesty, are you just OK with that?"
Breathe, Buffy.
~~~~~~
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I've never done before
~~~~~~
"Stop talking," I beg him in a suddenly small and weak voice, but Xander doesn't seem intent on doing that at all.
"We failed you, not the opposite! *I* failed you, when you had to sacrifice the whole freaking world for our butts, 'cause you believed in us, you believed in life... don't tell me you can't hate me, don't tell me I don't deserve it, don't make a fool of yourself, Buffy!"
"Stop it..."
"Stop it? I can't! I won't! If you wanna drown yourself in self-pity, I won't stop you, 'cause I simply don't have the right to dare say I understand how you feel. But don't do it, as bottom line is you aren't helping anyone like that. Yourself or the others. Sooner or later, their blindness will fade too, you know? And what's gonna happen then, huh?"
"Xander, stop it..."
"Listen to me, Buffy, just listen – I may have screwed up more than any friendship will ever be able to fix, but what I'm gonna say, just listen to it, OK? You mother was, is and always will be immensely proud of you."
Stop it.
~~~~~~
Help me if you can I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please please help me?
~~~~~~
Before I can tell me how wrong he is, Xander continues, "It doesn't matter what you think, that's just the way it is. Joyce was a great person, from the bravest and most wonderful family I've ever had the pleasure and luck to meet, and she never stopped loving you, and never will. You're much more than a hero to her, Buff, you're her daughter; you and Dawn, you guys were everything to her..."
"Xander..."
"Look," his voice weakens and cracks at some words, but he keeps talking anyway. "You've got this force, and fire inside you... life's tempered you into something incredible, and it's what made you such a wonderful person. It's made you who you are, and that's a beautiful woman, Buffy. An authentic hero."
Once again, Xander's voice wins back the passion he had from earlier. "Never believe the opposite, OK? I love you. I don't know if you're really sure of that anymore, but it's the truth. I'll always be here for you, but I'll understand if you don't want me around."
His brown eyes shine. "Just give yourself a chance, Buffy. Run the risk, don't hide. Not because it's the coward's way out, but because it isn't you. That isn't Buffy Anne Summers, and I'm sure of one thing: she's alive, deep inside you, even though you believe she's dead."
"She isn't?" I sarcastically reply.
"No! Maybe I'm just being selfish and blind again; but I just feel it, I just know it! If you think that too, give her a shot. Give yourself a shot. Life's pain and you were hurt enough, but you can't just give up. Not 'cause you've got to be a hero, but 'cause you *are* one."
A smile, a real Xander smile. "And above all, you're Buffy. You had the most amazing will to live, and that's what instantly made me fall in love with you, when I first saw you... uh, I may have also found you the most gorgeous girl in the whole world, but that was just hormones talking, anyway..."
A hint of tiredness passes through his face, but he still catches my hand, and squeezes it softly. "If you really wanna make your mother proud, just be yourself. Don't try to lie or hide who you are now, 'cause she loved every little thing you did. She even loved you when you were cranky in the morning, or when you and Dawn fought over the breakfast cereal, remember?"
"Well..."
"I mean it! Every little annoying thing and quirk about you. She was a Summers, and that's the strongest blood I know. Doesn't matter how much of a monster you think you may be, it won't even compare to the monster I became when I put you through this pain. Make her proud, Buffy, and believe it: you are no monster. You're too good a person for that."
I gulp. I raise my hazel eyes to his.
And that's the exact moment when the most astonishing thing happens.
Dazedness, confusion, puzzlement – I can't really express in words what it felt like inside me right then. It was as if my whole body was turning upside down, and the world had stopped spinning for those timeless seconds.
I'm angry. Really angry.
And I'm confused, excited, and above all, I'm frightened.
It's impossible... but I feel.
~~~~~~
When I was younger, much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
And now these days are gone
I'm not so self assured
Now I find I've changed my mind
I've opened up the doors
Help me if you can I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please please help me?
~~~~~~
Xander's hard breath doesn't slow at any moment, and we're lost in our own little world for what feels like endless centuries.
I finally really realize. I'm Buffy.
I'm dead, and I'm alive at the same time.
Hot, burning tears roll harshly down my face, but that doesn't seem to bother me at all. To be totally honest, I didn't really feel them at first.
I'm crying.
And I'm laughing, at the same time.
People are probably thinking, 'Look at that wacko on the street!' but I don't give a damn about them.
I'm feeling.
I'm Buffy.
I'm alive and I'm dead.
And it feels good, dangerous, exciting, risky, painful – it feels real.
Xander made me feel again.
I don't wanna think what the future will be like, how I'm gonna work things out with him, or if I'm truly going to – I don't wanna think about any of that now.
We lock eyes for a long, severe minute – eyes of dread, fire, uneasiness, passion; looks that devour each other, looks of hope, of expectancy, of desire and flame.
For one fleeting moment, we're sure of only one thing. And that's that we'll always have this moment, for us and us alone.
A moment that surpasses a thousand flaming kisses between two soulmates, the most ravishing rhapsody, or the unique and at the same time strong and fragile ties of a lifetime friendship.
This moment is beyond any explainable logic; this magical moment where we understood and, most importantly, fully accepted each other. Our pains and fears, our most deeply hidden secrets, our veiled cravings and hot, salty tears of joys.
It doesn't matter that Xander was destined to die in two months, at the hands of a lost and perpetually downhearted Willow.
It doesn't matter that the son he'll have with the then three months- pregnant Anya won't ever know his honorable, brave and loving father.
It doesn't matter that I eventually had to kill my best friend, after she lost every trace of the innocent, tender soul she had – delving into the robust, perilous ways of dark magick. After killing the one person we both loved the most, in an easily preventable and sadly predictable accident.
And it doesn't matter that I felt as if I was looking straight into a mirror, when Willow's eyes stared painfully at mine with her very last, final breath.
Right now, none of this matters – 'cause this is our moment, ours and ours only.
The future's always an unknown road, and its diverse ways are the only way to move on and risk your heart. Maybe I'd make things different if I could, maybe I wouldn't.
Maybe things will work out for the best. Or maybe for the worse, who knows?
But my greatest relief will invariably be – even though there'll be times I won't truly be convinced of it – to have this certainty that I've felt during every tormenting step; and that, for each one of those horrible instants, I'll always have my share of wonderful moments to transcend them.
Willow, Giles, Faith.
Angel, Riley, Spike.
Tara, Cordelia, Anya.
Mom, Dawn and most especially – Xander. My brother, in all but blood.
Thank you, Xander. You saved me in ways I can't even clearly understand yet.
And that's why you'll always be my White Knight through this painful, hard rhapsody of constant discoveries and burning passions, sorrowful grievances and outstanding devotions. To love, and be loved in return – to sense, and to feel.
I'm Buffy.
I promise I won't ever let you down, Xander. And I'm not gonna let you down either, Mom.
Ever.
***
[The End]
Help: John Lennon and Paul McCartney - The Beatles
Special thanks to: little miss muffet, Ryo Angel, little_me, Mims, Varthan, ZaurielAngelus, krisseth2000, Maggie, Kifflez, Nikapi, Lady Callie, Drake Roberts and, most specially, Stairway Man.
Author: Jane McCartney
Disclaimer: Do I look like a genius? Perhaps (Cough! Cough! Ahem) but not a god, eh? Of course Buffy's characters aren't mine, but Joss'. Though I'm still inclined to believe that the man made a diabolical pact and sold his soul to the Devil, to get them first. Damn!
Classification: A Buffyverse four chapter fanfic, from Buffy's POV.
Rating: PG13
Feedback: If I could, I'd marry all that give it. As Spike would say, 'nuff said.
E-mail: janemccartney@bol.com.br
Distribution: Anywhere, I don't mind, just credit me and inform me where it's at.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to everyone who made this what it is today. And, of course, a big special thanks to Theo – with the English grammar and all the required adaptations. Once again, he's saving my butt in this project.
Author's Note: It's a different kind of fiction, with a different proposition, I guess. Deals with Buffy-Xander friendship and, as a good old Beatlemaniac, there'll be three of their songs following each of the three chapters. Buffy's POV. Well, be nice with me. Uh, pleeease? Remember, even when Theo was a big help helping me with the English, he couldn't change the whole fic, and English isn't my native language.
Summary: Buffy's silent cries to feel are getting her deeper and deeper into a powerful web of lies and isolation, from which she may not be able to get out later. Who will catch her when she falls?
***
Help! I need somebody
Help! Not just anybody
Help! You know I need someone
Help!
When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
And now these days are gone
And I'm not so self assured
Now I find I've changed my mind
I've opened up the doors
~~~~~~
"There was this little game I used to play, where I'd picture you laughing, you were so beautiful Buff... you were so calm and serene, like I hadn't ever seen you before. You told me you were all right, that we didn't need to worry 'cause we were gonna be together again one day, and that you'd be waiting for us. You were smiling," Xander tells me.
Apparently, the gray color of the street pavement seems to fascinate him, 'cause his eyes still avoid any kind of contact with mine.
And, once again, for the second time that day, I know it isn't because he's ashamed of me, but himself.
"That was before The Night. That's how I call it now, ya know? The Night. I mean it, I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, and you can believe me when I say a lot of them were doozies. But this one, this one takes the cake any way you wanna look at it."
"Xander," I say, surprising even myself. His eyes widen at the mention of his name, easily showing he wasn't expecting this at all.
"I can't tell you I never blamed you, 'cause that'd be just another big, fat lie. And, honestly, I know I'll hate myself for saying this later, but I just don't feel like lying to you any longer."
I arch my eyebrows, sending him something one could say was an attempt at a playful gaze. "Although, recent events say you'd discover it anyway."
He chuckles. I chuckle too.
Then we go silent again, rapidly forgetting all about this brief instant. Something that used to be so common in older, happier days.
We remember how we've changed. And I swear, really, it's like the saddest cloud suddenly decides to completely cover us or something. Just like that, coming out of nowhere.
"There's this part of me," I continue, not exactly knowing what the hell I'm gonna say next. "The part that I've been trying to deny so much – a part that wants to believe, but just isn't strong enough to do that."
He looks at me questioningly.
Little Miss Muffet, time to explain yourself.
~~~~~~
Help me if you can I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please please help me?
~~~~~~
"I want to believe, Xander, but I know I can't. I can't laugh anymore; I just don't understand what's so goddamn funny... and that, it confuses me so much. You were... are, everything to me. I should try, for you guys, but I'm simply not your... I ain't no hero."
"Buffy..."
"No. I'm sorry, but I can't be your Buffy anymore. I'm failing with you, failing your trust and your love, but still you're here, trying to reach me... believe me when I say I wish you could, but you can't."
The bitterness in his eyes, it's like being stabbed over and over and over again.
"Are you for real, Buffy? I mean really, are you? Can't you see it? You're here! For us! Have you ever once thought why you just didn't send us all to Hell, why you kept trying to hide from us, feeling..." he gulps, "ashamed, thinking you're disappointing us when *we're* the ones guilty in this court?"
Now it's my eyes that take on a widened gaze and I can almost literally sense my mouth freezing, as he looks at me with a mixture of tartness and sad contemplation in his dark eyes.
"You're more hero than any of us. We – I, I hurt you more than any weapon ever could, any punch or kick, any villain that showed up in Sunnyhell or any curve balls life threw at you. And, honestly, it sucks. It really, really sucks."
I don't quite remember when his gentle arm takes my right hand, and smoothly places it on top of my heart. "You've got the most beautiful heart, soul and mind I've ever met. You prefer to believe this is your fault, even when you've got every right to never want to look at us in the face again..."
A pause. "And you may think it's otherwise, maybe 'cause you just can't see it any other way, but you're wrong if you do. It's just 'cause you are who you are, Buff, a hero. A real-life hero."
I... please, don't do it... I, I can't... I can't believe in what's just not true...
I can't hope, Xander, it's just stupid, and it'll be in vain, just deal with it! Don't let me hope...
"You aren't flawless, Buff. You're real, understand me? And that's exactly why you're a true hero, 'cause you're not perfect. You've learnt and lived, and you've coped with things that weren't exactly fair, but you made it through anyway... and your heart, you've got such a beautiful heart, I just..."
"No," I reply in a harsh voice, but Xander doesn't look surprised at all. "I'm a monster, and it doesn't matter how I became... it! Shit, stop it! I can't hope anymore, don't you get it? I can't risk trying to feel again, 'cause it'll be just too painful in the end..."
Breathe, Buffy.
"I promised Mom and I failed her, so what does that makes me? A freaking hero? I really don't think so, and you gotta get this: I'm not your Buffy. And maybe, what the hell, maybe I never was!"
Breathe, Buffy.
"I don't wanna feel, but I wanna... I, I'm dangerous, I've got all this Slayer power and I just can't risk mistakes I know I'll make... it's safer, and it's painful, but I can't feel this pain, I just know it's suffocating me slowly, and I'm confused, and the only thing I'm capable of feeling is death! I even stink at it!"
Breathe, Buffy.
"And you saying all those things, it just messes with my head even more! I... just... can't... I can't remember how to feel and it makes me wanna die, but I won't... it's killing me, don't you get it? But I can't help it, even though I want to and I don't at the same time, and I don't even know what's the point of trying anymore! I mean it's meaningless anyway, isn't it?"
Breathe, Buffy.
"Please... just don't make me hope, OK? It's futile, it's childish, it's stupid; you're stupid and I am too, this whole freaking world's goddamn stupid! I'm. No. Hero. I screwed up with Dawn, with you guys, with Mom... I wanted, I wished, oh for God's sake, I wished I could hate you with all my strength, but..."
"Are you sure, Buff?" Again, Xander's bitterness is clear and evident, and a spark of rage and excitement is growing arduously inside him. I can even savor it.
"Why didn't you just end it all, then? Or, why didn't you just spit in our faces? Tell me, c'mon... I'm the one who tore you out of Heaven, remember? I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and I didn't stop Wills from puking out a snake. I was the weak, self-seeking little brat, who only wanted his Buffy back.... tell me, in all honesty, are you just OK with that?"
Breathe, Buffy.
~~~~~~
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I've never done before
~~~~~~
"Stop talking," I beg him in a suddenly small and weak voice, but Xander doesn't seem intent on doing that at all.
"We failed you, not the opposite! *I* failed you, when you had to sacrifice the whole freaking world for our butts, 'cause you believed in us, you believed in life... don't tell me you can't hate me, don't tell me I don't deserve it, don't make a fool of yourself, Buffy!"
"Stop it..."
"Stop it? I can't! I won't! If you wanna drown yourself in self-pity, I won't stop you, 'cause I simply don't have the right to dare say I understand how you feel. But don't do it, as bottom line is you aren't helping anyone like that. Yourself or the others. Sooner or later, their blindness will fade too, you know? And what's gonna happen then, huh?"
"Xander, stop it..."
"Listen to me, Buffy, just listen – I may have screwed up more than any friendship will ever be able to fix, but what I'm gonna say, just listen to it, OK? You mother was, is and always will be immensely proud of you."
Stop it.
~~~~~~
Help me if you can I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please please help me?
~~~~~~
Before I can tell me how wrong he is, Xander continues, "It doesn't matter what you think, that's just the way it is. Joyce was a great person, from the bravest and most wonderful family I've ever had the pleasure and luck to meet, and she never stopped loving you, and never will. You're much more than a hero to her, Buff, you're her daughter; you and Dawn, you guys were everything to her..."
"Xander..."
"Look," his voice weakens and cracks at some words, but he keeps talking anyway. "You've got this force, and fire inside you... life's tempered you into something incredible, and it's what made you such a wonderful person. It's made you who you are, and that's a beautiful woman, Buffy. An authentic hero."
Once again, Xander's voice wins back the passion he had from earlier. "Never believe the opposite, OK? I love you. I don't know if you're really sure of that anymore, but it's the truth. I'll always be here for you, but I'll understand if you don't want me around."
His brown eyes shine. "Just give yourself a chance, Buffy. Run the risk, don't hide. Not because it's the coward's way out, but because it isn't you. That isn't Buffy Anne Summers, and I'm sure of one thing: she's alive, deep inside you, even though you believe she's dead."
"She isn't?" I sarcastically reply.
"No! Maybe I'm just being selfish and blind again; but I just feel it, I just know it! If you think that too, give her a shot. Give yourself a shot. Life's pain and you were hurt enough, but you can't just give up. Not 'cause you've got to be a hero, but 'cause you *are* one."
A smile, a real Xander smile. "And above all, you're Buffy. You had the most amazing will to live, and that's what instantly made me fall in love with you, when I first saw you... uh, I may have also found you the most gorgeous girl in the whole world, but that was just hormones talking, anyway..."
A hint of tiredness passes through his face, but he still catches my hand, and squeezes it softly. "If you really wanna make your mother proud, just be yourself. Don't try to lie or hide who you are now, 'cause she loved every little thing you did. She even loved you when you were cranky in the morning, or when you and Dawn fought over the breakfast cereal, remember?"
"Well..."
"I mean it! Every little annoying thing and quirk about you. She was a Summers, and that's the strongest blood I know. Doesn't matter how much of a monster you think you may be, it won't even compare to the monster I became when I put you through this pain. Make her proud, Buffy, and believe it: you are no monster. You're too good a person for that."
I gulp. I raise my hazel eyes to his.
And that's the exact moment when the most astonishing thing happens.
Dazedness, confusion, puzzlement – I can't really express in words what it felt like inside me right then. It was as if my whole body was turning upside down, and the world had stopped spinning for those timeless seconds.
I'm angry. Really angry.
And I'm confused, excited, and above all, I'm frightened.
It's impossible... but I feel.
~~~~~~
When I was younger, much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
And now these days are gone
I'm not so self assured
Now I find I've changed my mind
I've opened up the doors
Help me if you can I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please please help me?
~~~~~~
Xander's hard breath doesn't slow at any moment, and we're lost in our own little world for what feels like endless centuries.
I finally really realize. I'm Buffy.
I'm dead, and I'm alive at the same time.
Hot, burning tears roll harshly down my face, but that doesn't seem to bother me at all. To be totally honest, I didn't really feel them at first.
I'm crying.
And I'm laughing, at the same time.
People are probably thinking, 'Look at that wacko on the street!' but I don't give a damn about them.
I'm feeling.
I'm Buffy.
I'm alive and I'm dead.
And it feels good, dangerous, exciting, risky, painful – it feels real.
Xander made me feel again.
I don't wanna think what the future will be like, how I'm gonna work things out with him, or if I'm truly going to – I don't wanna think about any of that now.
We lock eyes for a long, severe minute – eyes of dread, fire, uneasiness, passion; looks that devour each other, looks of hope, of expectancy, of desire and flame.
For one fleeting moment, we're sure of only one thing. And that's that we'll always have this moment, for us and us alone.
A moment that surpasses a thousand flaming kisses between two soulmates, the most ravishing rhapsody, or the unique and at the same time strong and fragile ties of a lifetime friendship.
This moment is beyond any explainable logic; this magical moment where we understood and, most importantly, fully accepted each other. Our pains and fears, our most deeply hidden secrets, our veiled cravings and hot, salty tears of joys.
It doesn't matter that Xander was destined to die in two months, at the hands of a lost and perpetually downhearted Willow.
It doesn't matter that the son he'll have with the then three months- pregnant Anya won't ever know his honorable, brave and loving father.
It doesn't matter that I eventually had to kill my best friend, after she lost every trace of the innocent, tender soul she had – delving into the robust, perilous ways of dark magick. After killing the one person we both loved the most, in an easily preventable and sadly predictable accident.
And it doesn't matter that I felt as if I was looking straight into a mirror, when Willow's eyes stared painfully at mine with her very last, final breath.
Right now, none of this matters – 'cause this is our moment, ours and ours only.
The future's always an unknown road, and its diverse ways are the only way to move on and risk your heart. Maybe I'd make things different if I could, maybe I wouldn't.
Maybe things will work out for the best. Or maybe for the worse, who knows?
But my greatest relief will invariably be – even though there'll be times I won't truly be convinced of it – to have this certainty that I've felt during every tormenting step; and that, for each one of those horrible instants, I'll always have my share of wonderful moments to transcend them.
Willow, Giles, Faith.
Angel, Riley, Spike.
Tara, Cordelia, Anya.
Mom, Dawn and most especially – Xander. My brother, in all but blood.
Thank you, Xander. You saved me in ways I can't even clearly understand yet.
And that's why you'll always be my White Knight through this painful, hard rhapsody of constant discoveries and burning passions, sorrowful grievances and outstanding devotions. To love, and be loved in return – to sense, and to feel.
I'm Buffy.
I promise I won't ever let you down, Xander. And I'm not gonna let you down either, Mom.
Ever.
***
[The End]
Help: John Lennon and Paul McCartney - The Beatles
Special thanks to: little miss muffet, Ryo Angel, little_me, Mims, Varthan, ZaurielAngelus, krisseth2000, Maggie, Kifflez, Nikapi, Lady Callie, Drake Roberts and, most specially, Stairway Man.