This took longer than I'd hoped, but real life intervened. Hopefully the longer chapter will make up for the delay!
Huge thanks to everyone who has commented so far, in particular DowntonIsMyLife for being my first ever reviewer; consider this a good luck in your exams present :-)
Elsie watched the dawn creep slowly across the ceiling. The night had brought little rest; scenes from the previous evening replaying over and over in her mind. Every time she closed her eyes she could see the look of desolation in Charles' eyes as she'd told him about James and feel the way he'd tensed as she reached out to him. In the fitful bursts of sleep she'd managed, her dreams had offered up more tortures of their own: images of a furious Charles vowing never to speak to her again and convincing Lord Grantham to dismiss her for her deception.
Despite the bone-deep weariness she felt, Elsie would be glad to start the day. She was eager to lose herself in the familiar tasks of running the house and push the worries from her mind.
ooooo
As she descended the stairs and approached the servants' hall, she could feel her jaw tightening as she fought to control her anxiety. How would she be able to sit next to him at breakfast as if nothing had changed? Surely the other servants would be able to sense the sudden tension between them? She was at least sure that she could rely on Miss O'Brien to make a difficult situation worse with her barbed comments.
She needn't have worried; when she took her seat Charles' customary place at the head of the table was vacant and remained resolutely so as breakfast was served. When he had still failed to appear when the first service bell rang, she interrupted the hushed conversation between Mr Bates and Anna.
"Mr Bates. Have you seen Mr Carson this morning?"
"I haven't Mrs Hughes, but it's not like him to be late, would you like me to go and check on him?"
"He's not late Mrs Hughes", Daisy bustled in with a cup of tea and set it down in front of Elsie.
"He's not?"
"No, he was already up and about when I came down. He had a cup of tea and went to his pantry before anyone else was up".
"Thank you Daisy", she dismissed the girl and took a sip of tea, staring quietly at the curls of steam rising from the cup as she let it warm her hands. Usually, Elsie would already be upstairs, keys jingling at her hip as she made her rounds to check that everything was running smoothly. But today she couldn't summon up the energy to move, her mind utterly consumed by worries of Charles and his uncharacteristic absence. He didn't usually miss breakfast for anything but the most urgent of jobs, and she knew the business of the house well enough to know that there was nothing of the sort to keep him occupied today.
In the calm that descended as the last few servants hurried away to their morning tasks, she resolved to speak to him now, before he had time to dwell any further on the reason he was avoiding her and work himself into an even darker mood. The other servants probably thought him to be a reserved and dispassionate man, but she knew that couldn't be further from the truth. He hid his emotions beneath layers of propriety and respectability, but the phrase 'still waters run deep' had rarely been more apt.
ooooo
After knocking several times at the door to his pantry and receiving no answer she peeked inside to find the room deserted. A tour of the ground floor rooms still turned up no sign of him and left Elsie with a growing sense of unease. Having known Charles for many years, she had expected his normal reaction to difficult situations; he would throw himself into his work and adopt, if it was possible, even more exacting standards than usual. She had once joked to him that she could judge his state of mind from the straightness of his spine and the stiffness of his collar. To find that he had practically disappeared, leaving the family breakfast to William, was disconcerting to say the least.
She was so preoccupied with those worries as she left the library that she ran, quite literally, into Lord Grantham.
"I'm so sorry m'lord" she apologised quickly as he reached out a hand to steady her.
"It's quite alright", he reassured, frowning slightly as he took in her distracted demeanour. "Are you OK Mrs Hughes? You don't seem quite yourself, if you don't mind me saying".
"I'm fine m'lord. I was just looking for Mr Carson; I can't seem to find him anywhere this morning".
She chewed on her lip for a moment before giving what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'm sure he'll turn up shortly, if only to tell me off for nearly knocking you over".
Lord Robert chucked softly in reply, "well if I see him I shall be sure to send him to you to explain himself".
"Thank you m'lord".
ooooo
Elsie made her way back down the servants stairs towards her sitting room, and the paperwork that awaited her attention. She could spend all morning chasing around the house searching for Charles, but he knew the place as well as, if not better than, she did. If he didn't want to be found then he could most likely ensure that he wasn't.
As she entered the familiar sanctuary, her eyes fell on James' letter, still sitting on her settee from the night before. She had stumbled back here numbly after talking to Charles and read it countless times with tear-filled eyes. She longed to write her reply, to reassure her son of how desperately she wanted to meet him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it without talking to Charles again first. If she didn't she would feel like she was going behind his back and she couldn't bear to see him look as wounded as he had last night. The least she could do, after twenty years of silence, was to tell him everything before she wrote to their son.
She tucked the letter safely in the desk drawer and set to work on the household rotas, her nerves slowly soothed by the routine work.
ooooo
Some time later she was startled from her careful examination of Mrs Patmore's food order by a soft knock at the door.
"Yes?"
As it opened slowly she was surprised to see Charles' sombre face appear in the doorway.
"Mrs Hughes, may I come in?" His voice was quieter than usual, but it had lost the hard edge that had been so painful last night.
Her chair scraped noisily across the floor as she rose quickly and rounded the desk on slightly unsteady legs.
"Of course, please...", she gestured to the small table and chairs set against the wall. She took a seat and watched as he turned to close the door quietly, resting the palm of his hand on the wood for a moment and taking a deep breath before turning back to her.
"Where have you been? I was starting to worry".
"Walking...", the pause that followed seemed to echo around the room for a moment before he continued.
"Thinking..."
He sat down heavily, elbows on his knees and forehead in his hands. Elsie tried to give him time, to let him take the lead, but she could only stand the crushing silence for so long.
"Charles, please say something ... anything"
He raised his head to catch her eyes and she was taken aback by the profound sadness in them.
"I've spent twenty years caring for the daughter of my employer as if she was my own, and all that time my son", his voice caught slightly on the word, "my own flesh and blood, was out there and I didn't even know it. Why didn't you give me a chance Elsie? Am I really that unbending, that unreasonable, that you thought I wouldn't listen?"
She couldn't hold his gaze any longer and dropped her eyes to her own hands, clasped so tightly in her lap that she could see the tendons stretched severely across the back.
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you Charles, but as much as it has torn at my conscience over the years, I still believe it was the right decision. As much as I wanted to believe we'd be happy, it was never going to work. And I thought it was better if only I had to live with those memories. I hated giving my baby away, and I could barely look at myself in the mirror, I felt so guilty for not telling you. But what could we offer him? Honestly?"
She reached out and covered his hand where it had come to rest on the table top.
"I never wanted to hurt you, if you don't believe anything else, then please believe that". Elsie swore she could hear the roar of her hammering pulse in her ears as she watched him silently, willing him to give some sign that he understood.
He stared down at their hands for a few seconds before turning his over to squeeze her fingers briefly.
"I'll try"
His touch had lasted less than a second, but Elsie felt it down to her soul; it rekindled her hope, the hope that had deserted her when he'd left her crying in his pantry. As they sat staring at each other in the stillness of her parlour, she started to believe that she might yet be able to earn his forgiveness.
This wasn't the chapter that I intended to write - Charles was meant to know about the letter by now. But it sort of hijacked itself and wandered off...
Escaped plot bunny if anyone is interested: what was Mr Carson up to, and what was going through his mind, when he did his disappearing act? I don't know, but I'd be interested to find out!