4

"I know that this is probably nothing like what you're used to," Mr. Gonzalez—Freddie, she has to remember to call him that from now on— says sheepishly to her a few hours later, his free hand fussing a little with one of the uneven corners in her new bedspread. His other shoulder weightlessly lugging around the only suitcase of possessions that Kate has with her now—meager, but significant belongings that sadly chronicle how little really actually means much to her in this world—"But it's a lot better than most places, I guess…" He trails off uncertainly, his face an unreadable mask as he points to the old futon tucked in the far-end of the bedroom that been bought second-hand to be her new bed weeks ago.

"Only temporary," Freddie says pointedly, his cheeks flushed as his wife playfully rolls her eyes at his unnecessary blundering. "You only have to use it until my next free day off work, and then I can take us all out to shop properly for a new bed set…"

"I'm sure it'll be fine." Kate reassures him sweetly, a small smile tugging at her lips for the second time today. "I have a bed and four walls. What more can a girl ask for?" she jokes lamely, trying to take the suitcase from Freddie's hand, but he just waves her off with a stern shake of his head, leading her and her luggage over to the new dresser drawers that were lined up against the wall next to the baby's crib.

"I'm also sorry that you have to share a room with Billie…"

Kate actually joins his wife in rolling her eyes this time.

"Freddie, stop worrying!" Mrs. Gonzalez scolds light-heartily, bouncing a sleepy Billie in her arms. "I'm sorry for my husband's behavior," she says to Kate, a fine line of fond exasperation wrinkling the beautiful contours of her perfectly shaped face. "He's just been obsessing all week over whether or not you would like your new room…" she finishes with an apologetic sigh leaving her thin lips, and all Kate can do is just shrug her shoulder playfully at the apology, already having forgiven Mr. Gonzalez's silly theatrics…

Because, in all actuality, there isn't much of anything to really forgive him for. She knows Freddie well enough now to understand that he's worried that their home will be just another place where Kate will feel like a fish out of water… a burden to suffer through… but what he doesn't understand is that he's already made her feel more at home in a short span of time than she's ever felt in her entire lifetime.

The great pains that two strangers—though they were loving, nice strangers— are taking to make sure that a broken-beyond-repair soul like hers feels at home within their new and growing family is so much more than she could have ever hoped for, more than what she would ever have gotten if she had been forced to move in with one of her relatives. Her welcome to any one of their homes would have been a nice, damp hole in the wall and a firm slap to the face.

Kate shakes her head vigorously, forcing herself to turn away any unwanted thoughts of her family. Those unpleasant feelings have no frame here in such a warm place. She will no longer allow them to fill a space in her body, to burrow and fester deep within her heart… to summon that untamed monster, that vile demon that her father always tried so hard to beat the living heck out of her with the back-hand side of a battered Bible— "Now now, Katie-cakes… What have we learned?"—No, she wouldn't let them rule her.

She would allow that sharp sense of enormous gratitude that she felt for Mr. and Mrs. Gonzalez to take all those foul thoughts from her mind from now on, to neuter that warm and heartbreakingly sentimental feeling and let it grow… to let it coil around the base of her beating heart, like a snake slithering its way through the rotten parts of her being and expand its presence in the pit of her stomach, unbridled and a touch overwhelming… slowly draining the very life out of her with that strong and barely inescapable sheer amount of happiness and belonging at being invited— at being welcomed— whole-heartedly into the Gonzalez's' lovely home…

"So," Mr. Gonzalez says, his soothing voice breaking Kate away from her erratic train of thought. His olive tanned face still wound tightly with that ridiculous fear of rejection that he had been wearing like a second layer of skin ever since they had walked into the baby's room. His brow arched as the silence in the room continued to stretch on around them, "What do you think?" He asks her a moment later, his usually firm voice still shaking with nerves and worry.

Kate blinks rapidly at his question, her focus slowly coming back onto the room around her. Her mind, body, and soul exhausted, wandering away from her as her gaze keeps locking onto the thrift-shop bought futon tucked into the far corner of the room. Her bright eyes misted with the barely contained well of unshed tears that had been slowly building beneath the back of her eyelids ever since Ranger Gonzalez and his wife had come bursting through the heavy, double doors of the lawyer's office, their loving and familiar—more familiar and loving than her own family's— faces set and determined in the wake of her Aunts' and Uncles' disapproving stares… a deep and fierce sense of defiance shining in their eyes, marking their faces, charging the already unbearable atmosphere of the room.

Kate had known in that moment what their faces had said, what their energy had meant and provoked —why her combative Aunt Karen hadn't even tried digging her claws into them and tearing them apart… why all her Uncle Phillip had done was whisper a few warning words before kissing her roughly on the cheek and walking out of her life the way Aunt Karen had, never even looking back at her—she had seen that they would have fought tooth and nail for her to come home with them… for her to have the chance to build a permanent place in the heart of their small family…

"I think that we'll be alright," she answers back, her voice broken and cracked, but sure. Her eyes still dancing wildly around the small room in slight wonder, the fragile strings directly connected to her heart beginning to stir and tug with an almost long forgotten feeling that she had thought had died right along with fading look in her mother's eye as her neck remained twisted and devoid of oxygen, her brother's mangled face pressed against the blood stained pavement, and her father's harsh and ragged last words whispered in her ear like a cruel prayer…

"I think I can be okay…" She chokes out, the words a bittersweet touch, a sharp relief as the truth of her words wash over her. She actually, on some level, believes what she was saying… she'd never be completely whole again—maybe she never really was to begin with—not now, not ever… But, eventually she can learn to live within her splintered being, to trudge on through the pain, through the sin and lies and heartache… because as long as love filled her heart—pure and unattached and unadulterated—she'll be okay… she'll survive.

And that has to be enough, because of all she has to look forward to now. Freddie smiles at her, shy and bright like the sun. His dark eyes looking upon her sincere like a confession, and Kate just smiles back, the tears that she has been holding back for so long finally flowing down her porcelain cheeks in wet, hot tracks… like God has finally come to wash away her sins.

TBC...