Aaron watched Hazel walk out of the room, glancing back once more at Jackson, a sob escaping before closing the door. He didn't move; he felt rooted to the spot. His hands hovered on the wheels, but try as he might he couldn't get them to move. He stared hopelessly at Jackson, not able to comprehend the damage that had been done. It felt like forever that he sat there, finally forcing his trembling hands to propel the wheels forward. He manoeuvred the wheelchair between the bed and many machines, careful not to disturb them.
His mouth fell open as he looked at Jackson. His face was covered in cuts and bruises, there was a bandage on his left temple, blood still matted in his hair. His eyes were swollen shut, shades of blue and purple ringing them, a small cut above his eyebrow. Slowly he raised his hand, still trembling from shock, and grasped Jackson's lightly. It was too much for him to take in. He sat there with Jackson's hand in his and let the feelings overwhelm him. He cried, harder than he'd ever cried before. He needed to be strong, to try and talk to Jackson, get him to wake up...but the tears didn't stop. He laid his head down on his arm, his body shaking with emotion, guilt.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered through the tears. "I need you to wake up Jay; you can't do this; you can't give up. I need you...I love you."
He'd wanted to say it for a while; he almost did one night in Lanzarote, but was too scared that the builder didn't feel the same. How he wished he would have said it then, at least Jackson would have known before...he was crying even harder now. What was he meant to say? He didn't have a clue, he didn't know if Jackson could hear him. He wondered if this is how Paddy and his mum felt after he tried to top himself. He felt even guiltier for putting them through that.
A nurse came in to check one of the machines, she glanced at Aaron when she finished.
"Do you need me to get someone for you?" The words startled him. He shook his head, wiping away some of the tears before looking at her.
"He a mate of yours?"
"Boyfriend actually, the most amazing boyfriend." The nurse walked to his side and put a hand gingerly on his shoulder, squeezing gently.
"My name's Caroline, if you need anything you just let me know alright?"
Aaron smiled up at her, a small genuine smile, but something broke inside him and he couldn't hold the tears back. Caroline stood there, rubbing soothing circles on his back. He felt embarrassed that he'd broken down in front of a complete stranger, but comforted at the same time because she didn't expect anything from him. No talking through his emotions, no questions about what happened, nothing.
"Sorry," he mumbled, shifting slightly in his chair.
"Don't apologise sweetie, I know it's hard to see him like this."
"Can he hear me? If I talk to him I mean."
"I like to think he can. It helps, not just him, it will help you too. Just talk to him like you normally would."
"Thank you," His voiced cracked with emotion.
"I'll leave you with him. Talk to him."
She gave Aaron's shoulder a light squeeze then turned to leave. Aaron watched the door close; he was avoiding looking back at Jackson. He was overcome with guilt, all this was his fault. He let out a shaky breath before returning his gaze back to Jackson.
"Jackson..." He didn't know what to say, the words seem trapped somewhere inside him. He let out another breath. "Jay, I never meant any of this to happen. If I'd have known..." What would he have done differently? Nothing, he would have been just as stubborn. He would have refused to refund Mickey the money. He never thought things through. He pushed those thoughts away; he needed to focus on Jackson.
"I don't think you realise how important you are to me. If you weren't in my life I don't know what I would do. You've helped me so much, without you I would have never fully accepted myself. I would have never fallen in love with someone well better than I deserve. I remember the first time I saw you, I was terrified. I was sat at the bar, nervously looking around, looking for an escape route. You were next to me, wearing that red and white plaid shirt. I hated it at the time, it hugged you in all the right places and I couldn't keep my eyes off you. I swear my heart stopped when you asked me to join you for a game of pool," he laughed lightly remembering how scared he'd been.
"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Paddy is great too, don't get me wrong, but you...you are amazing. I honestly don't know why you've stuck with me; I've brought nothing but grief. And I come with so much baggage you could fill a small bus. I know I can be a prat most of the time and I do stupid things without thinking, but you've made me a better person. I love you so much Jay, more than I can ever say."
He started, eyes widening, he felt Jackson's hand grip his tighter. He looked up quickly; Jackson's eyes were open slightly. Relief flooded him; his eyes were welling up again.
"Jackson?" He was beaming, the smile overtaking his entire face. He pressed the call button. A few seconds later Caroline entered, Hazel right behind her. He looked to Jackson's mum, her mouth agape, and hand over her heart. She looked ready to fall over.
"Hazel?" He asked, concern in his voice. "You alright?"
She didn't respond. She was standing stock still staring at Jackson. His eyes were open, but he hadn't moved. Was that a good sign? She didn't know, she looked to Aaron, but he was wearing the same confused look as her. They both watched as the nurse talked to Jackson, checking various machines, moving her finger in front of his eyes.
"He grabbed my hand," Aaron told the nurse. "I was telling him that I..." he glanced at Hazel; she was listening intently to what he was saying. He didn't know if he should go on, he was embarrassed to say it again. He looked at Jackson again, his eyes softening. "I was telling him that I love him."
"What?" Hazel asked, not masking her surprise. Her mouth was open again, eyes wide, looking at Aaron with uncertainty.
"I'm in love with him," he stated simply, a true conviction to his words.
She smiled a large warm smile. Her eyes were misted over. He smiled back. A small gasp escaped his lips as he felt Jackson's hand tighten around his once more.
"Jay, please," He didn't even wince at the neediness in his voice. He would truly give anything for Jackson to wake up.