Black Diamond Eyes
from Yehuda Amichai's Gifts of Love
I covered your skin with a pink chiffon,
transparent as baby lizards—the ones with
black diamond eyes on summer nights.
…
You gave me a letter opener made of silver.
Real letters aren't opened that way;
they're torn open,
torn, torn.
Only force of habit kept Benezia from propping her chin up with her hand as Matriarch Melete addressed the Armali council. As the eldest, the Matriarch had the right to the final word. Many fought drooping eyes and wandering attention as the deliberations' sixth hour wore on. As a matron, Benezia had spoken long before, when the floor had been open to her cohort.
Melete's holograph shimmered in the lowest circle of the hall's concentric tiered rings. Above her, the white stone roof rose many stories, to lift gazes and spirits high, and symbolize their reliance on the leadings of the Goddess. Benezia finally gave up attending to Melete's words to focus on where the roof's line drew her eyes. This final speech would only delay the vote. Those in the room had already decided, Benezia could feel it. Melete's motive for delaying alone remained unclear.
A visiting matriarch in the ring below her leaned back and for a moment Benezia feared she would be admonished for her change of focus. However, the matriarch whispered up to her, "I will be as old as the Goddess by the time she wraps up."
Benezia inclined her head to acknowledge hearing, but did not engage. A side conversation would show Melete disrespect, more disrespect than not listening. Benezia stifled a sigh. The visitor's viewpoint had her sympathies, but she found her gaze drifting back to a stranger a quarter of the circle away from her. The stranger wore Armali colors, but Benezia didn't remember seeing her before, and the stranger had been staring at her boldly since Benezia had risen to speak. At first she'd thought the stranger must disagree with her and be waiting a chance to rebut her, but when she had calmly returned the stranger's regard, the other had made a point of staring at Benezia's chest. Such attention was not uncommon, it was one of her more admired features, but the brazenness of the regard was much less common. Her people generally prized subtlety. Accustomed to more discretion, Benezia found the stranger's attention amusing and pleasantly less abstract than the proceedings.
They were staring at each other when the assembly started to rise, and Narissa touched her arm. "Will you join me for refreshments before we reconvene to vote?"
With a warm smile, Benezia stroked her friend's arm. "I would like that." She enjoyed Narissa's company; her friend had such a gentle spirit.
The matriarch who had whispered to her during proceedings now rose and turned to them. "Matron, I would like to hear more about your ideas for regulating the contracts of Armali's biotic amp manufacturers. Your vision of how their current proposals could affect Thessia as a whole intrigued me. The weaknesses you highlighted had not occurred to the other poli we consulted."
Benezia bowed slightly, acknowledging the compliment and the speaker's rank. "Matriarch, you do me too much honor. The poli's strength lies in local analysis, where decisions are made most frequently. Any xenix could have noted what I did. In fact, having esteemed leaders join us from far afield provides us with our greatest opportunity to understand the concerns of those beyond our immediate borders."
"Well spoken." The matriarch swept her with an approving look. "You saw so clearly even though this is your own polis; you show the wisdom of a matriarch. Intriguing." The visitor held her hands out, fingers together and up. "You may call me Terilene."
Benezia touched the tips of her fingers to the other's. "They call me Benezia. Well met and welcome." Around them, others rose, stretched, chatted and laughed as the room cleared out. "Would you like to join us?"
Terilene smiled. "Yes." Several others had been hovering to talk to Benezia, but they were matrons and drew back in deference before a matriarch. Still, a small crowd followed Benezia as she and Matriarch Terilene led the way down the long white stone ramp to the hall, and the restaurants.
Long and wide, the hall had several tiers. On the highest, the restaurants clustered at the two far ends, on the west end, offering an enormous sun-drenched balcony with a view of the sea. The large rectangular area in the middle was dotted with various arrangements providing for more intimate conversations and possibilities. On its top tier, semi-circular white stone benches arranged discrete distances from each other were granted some privacy by the trellises set around and over them. Purple, red and orange bazurita vines twisted up the trellises in pleasing variety. A further level down, sinuous paths could be glimpsed between the delicate and fast-growing frenel trees that during this season had been shaped to reflect local fauna in preparation for Janiris celebrations. More bazurita-laden trellises secluded islands of sunken circular tables on the lowest level, and golden and silver lights shone up through tiny gaps in the trellises covering other sunken islands where the weary or enamored could bask together in the flow of warm springs. Everywhere the wealth of Armali was evident.
By the time they reached the restaurant on the balcony, quite a large group had gathered and settled around the tables to order food and drink. Benezia excused herself after giving her order, and the others smiled at her and moved out of the way as she threaded through them toward the facilities.
The sound of running water from the room's fountain soothed her, and Benezia breathed in the scent of the cut bazurita floating in it. It was a welcome oasis of peace. When she emerged to wash her hands, it didn't surprise her to see the stranger in Armali colors leaning against the wall.
"There you are." The stranger's voice was gruff in an appealing way, her facial skin devoid of markings.
"Yes," Benezia bent and dipped her fingers in the water, then her hands.
The stranger stepped closer. "Don't you ever get tired of all the talking?"
"Like now?" Benezia rubbed one hand over the other, slowly, gracefully.
"That's not what I'm here for." The stranger took two more steps, stopping close beside her.
Cupping a floating blossom in her hand, Benezia lifted it and let the water trickle away between her fingers. "You're very direct."
"I know what I want."
Benezia could feel the stranger's mind reach for hers, and pushed it back. "Do you think it's that simple?" She turned.
The stranger had amber brown eyes and a crooked smile. "I don't want simple. I want you." She ran one hand slowly up Benezia's arm, to grasp her elbow. "What do you want?"
Without moving or changing her gaze, Benezia answered, "Peace."
The stranger snorted. "That's a load of shit."
Benezia's gaze remained calm and steady.
The stranger seemed unimpressed. "You want to feel alive."
Benezia's mouth tightened momentarily. "Who are you to tell me what I want?"
"I've watched everyone treat you like you're a little goddess made of pure eezo, and you're not even a matriarch yet." The stranger ran her opposing hand up Benezia's opposite arm, gripped that elbow and stepped toward her, pushing her back. Benezia let her. "They fawn on you, suck up, bury you in words." Benezia felt her back hit the door to one of the stalls, and it swung open. "You can't eat words, goddess. They won't fill you." The stranger pressed Benezia's back against the side of the stall. "They won't keep you warm at night," The stranger pressed against Benezia, the stranger's voice becoming a husky whisper, "or now."
Benezia considered the sensation. "And you think you could?" she whispered. Her voice returned to normal volume after a moment's pause. "This was amusing, but I'm not some maiden, to join in haste in a public restroom."
"I know, your aloofness," the stranger growled, her eyes going black, "but I could make you feel like one."
Benezia choked on her answering laugh as the stranger's mind enveloped hers. A powerful will swirled with fiery impetuous passion to press in on all sides, testing, tightening, thick with desire. The turbulence and strength of it surprised her. Its fierceness, its shivers of purple and reverberating hungry resonances aroused her with its promise of an accompanying immediate, electric carnality. Perhaps it had been too long since she had allowed herself spontaneous pleasure. With one hand, she pushed and held the stall door shut. "That remains to be seen."
The stranger latched the door and smiled.
Benezia's eyes darkened, and their minds locked. The tensing of their bodies reflected the struggle of their minds. Minutes ticked past, the air charged with intensity as they feinted and probed. Each internal shift was met and countered as Benezia tested that strength and will and the stranger felt her out, their efforts evoking frissons of mounting desire. Benezia had expected to easily overbalance such direct and strong attention and to leave the stranger unsatisfied. Instead, firm resolve and agile adaptability combined to make her companion a formidable adversary, and an enticing one, able to keep up with and even anticipate some of her attempts. With a clever misdirect and a deft, strong thrust, the stranger's mind sunk deeply into hers, brushing her pleasure center hard and then feathering it with teasing strokes. Benezia's head rolled back, and she moaned at the unexpected luminous rush that swept through her.
To take full advantage of her overloaded state, the stranger reached down and yanked Benezia's dress up. Impatient hands bruised and scraped the soft skin of Benezia's hips as fingers caught, twisted and tore her silks off with a biotic flourish. It hardly registered with Benezia while their minds traced the bright ache the mental touches had opened. The stranger reached under Benezia's dress to grab her buttocks and slide warm hands down the back of Benezia's thighs, pulling her legs abruptly up on either side of the stranger's hips, lifting her up and pushing against her to spread her legs apart.
Benezia's chest was now level with the stranger's face, and she mouthed Benezia's breasts through the top of her dress, concentrating on her nipples before burying her face deeper into the soft warmth before her. Benezia clenched her thighs around the stranger's hips, the skirt of her dress bunched around her waist, the cool air sending shivers across her exposed skin as the stranger stroked her thighs and buttocks and ground against her.
They were like that when Narissa's voice could be heard. "Benezia? Are you in here? Are you alright?"
The stranger covered Benezia's mouth with one hand, hard enough to turn her neck and force her to face the back of the stall. Bringing her other hand between them, she thrust forcefully into Benezia, using her whole body. Benezia's arched and strained against her, but there was nowhere for her to go. Benezia had no idea if Narissa was still there when the stranger began to plunge inside her. Although Benezia lifted her hips to meet the increasingly deep and frenzied thrusts, her hip bones banged into the side of the stall under their force. She didn't know if the fountain covered the noise they made, and ceased to care. The battle continued, will against will, flesh against flesh, a thrust to fill every ache, the ache growing with every thrust. Benezia struggled to breathe as the tempo increased and the stranger's hands pressed harder. Stars burst in front of her eyes, and her air passages burned. The rich velvety pressure of the mind moving in hers thickened and throbbed, and she felt her walls bend and shiver. They joined, a harsh exultant cry escaping the stranger's throat.
When they finally stopped shuddering together, Benezia was holding the stranger's head in her arms, and the stranger, Benezia's hips. Sweat ran down their bodies, streaking their dresses.
Gradually, Benezia's eyes regained their normal color and the ability to focus, and she could see again. The stranger pulled out of her slowly, and released her hips. The skirt of Benezia's dress fell back into place when her feet touched the floor.
The stranger caught Benezia as she started to slide to the floor. "Can you stand?"
Benezia shook her head.
"Yeah, me neither." Before the stranger's legs could give out, she staggered back to collapse on the commode, pulling Benezia onto her lap. Benezia slumped into the stranger, slowly returning to herself. They stayed like that for a while. The only sounds were their ragged breathing and the chuckle of the fountain. Eventually, the stranger stood and gently placed Benezia on the seat. She lifted Benezia's chin between her thumb and finger so that she could look into Benezia's half-lidded eyes, and winked. "Thanks ... goddess." The stranger turned and lifted the stall door's latch.
"My name's Benezia." Her voice sounded hoarse from the strain of not crying out. She touched her throat and wondered if this was how the stranger had gotten her distinctive voice.
"I heard." Without looking back, the stranger pushed the stall door open and left.
"Who are you?" Benezia rasped as loudly as she could.
Before the bathroom door closed, the sound of that husky voice drifted over the stall. "You're the smart one. Figure it out."
Benezia unclenched her fist. She'd crushed the bazurita bloom, staining her palm with its juice.
When the coast was clear, Liara walked the rest of the way to her mother's chambers, staying in the shadows. The security keypad emitted small beeps as she entered the code, and she looked behind her nervously. The click of its unlocking echoed in the hallway. She quickly swung the door open and pulled it shut behind her.
She had checked the downstairs and upstairs libraries and not found any helpful sources. Her mother's personal library was the last place she could think to look. The shelves ran from floor to ceiling and curved to fit the walls. Books of all sizes filled the shelves, actual books with thick paper pages and bindings of many colors and materials. At about hip height the top of the third row of shelves protruded several inches, leaving a lip where her mother kept her letter writing datapads, reading glasses and styluses. Here and there small figurines, vases, and some of Liara's own art were displayed on the shelves—a little blue paint handprint on a rough piece of purple cloth with her name and age on a yellowing label underneath, some early watercolors of flowers, and drawings of tezarin in flight and bobbing on the waves.
Recessed shelf lights illuminated the books and objects and gave the small space a warm, golden glow. The room smelled like old paper and her mother's favorite spice perfume, and Liara loved it almost more than any other spot in the whole house. With its collection of personal treasures, the small writing desk under the one window, the single glass-paned door to the wraparound balcony and its glimpse of the sea, the room reflected who her mother really was. Her presence seemed to fill it even in her absence.
Starting with the lowest shelves, Liara scanned for the sources she sought among small, jewel-like books of poetry and the thicker, heavier sacred texts and commentaries. She recognized the storybooks and collections of illustrated myths gathered in one section of a lower shelf. It held many worn and familiar books that had been her favorites when she was younger. Liara ran her fingers over the soft and tattered bindings and smiled. Her mother used to read to her before bedtime every night, or Liara would lie on the floor in the sunlight and read them as her mother worked. Slowly Liara worked her way up the shelves, frequently distracted by unexpected marvels. One in particular caught her eye. On a shelf by her mother's desk a glass flower, delicate and intricately wrought floated in a small display lit by a single, tiny light. Whoever had crafted the flower had infused it with iridescent paint that seemed to change color as the flower rotated. Observing the shifts mesmerized her for several minutes.
Nearby, Liara finally found what she sought. Why the whole selection of erotic literature had been shelved with others whose author's last names began with "A," Liara could not figure out. Neither the titles nor the author's names matched, yet it clearly had been done deliberately. She glanced over her shoulder before she pulled the books down, eyes widening at the illustrated volumes. The sources covered many species and centuries, and a knot tightened in her stomach. She had so much to learn. The biggest illustrated one she used as a base and piled others side-by-side on top of it. It took only a few minutes to assemble a stack to carry back to her suite. She pressed her chin down on the top one to keep the stack together as she slid them all off the little ledge. They were heavier than she expected, and when she got to the door, she couldn't manage to balance them on her leg to get a hand free to turn the doorknob. She was about to prop the books on the nearby ledge so she could get the door open, when the handle turned and her mother entered. Startled, Liara missed the ledge and dropped them all over the floor.
At once, she fell to her knees and scrambled to collect the fallen books while Benezia closed the door. The ones she could reach, she piled up as quickly as she could, turning them face down. After a minute, her mother knelt beside her and picked up a book. Liara cringed. If it was possible to die of embarrassment, that would surely happen soon, but not soon enough.
"May I make a suggestion, Little Wing?" Her mother's voice contained a hint of a smile, and Liara risked peeking at her face. She saw nothing but affection warming her mother's eyes. "Start with one." Benezia held out a small, asari-centric tome to her.
Liara took the book, and wondered if her mother knew. "Yes, Mitera."
Her mother helped her gather the remaining ones up, smoothing out pages that had crumpled when some had landed open. Together, it didn't take them long. Liara reshelved all except the one her mother had picked out as rapidly as she could, trying to put them back in the order she'd found them, and wanting to escape before she could be asked for an explanation.
"I can't call you 'Little Wing' anymore," her mother said softly, watching. She had long since stopped doing so in the presence of others.
Liara looked back over her shoulder. "Why?"
"You are growing up," Benezia held her arms out, with an inviting smile, and her daughter, her embarrassment and the remaining books instantly forgotten, gladly went over to her and wrapped her arms around her mother's neck. Benezia bent so that their foreheads touched and hugged her. "The rest you may read any time. Just be discreet. The one I gave you has been banned."
Liara knew she could leave now if she wanted, but she released her mother's neck and turned so that she could rest her head on her mother's shoulder instead. It seemed increasingly rare that she had her mother all to herself. "M'ana?"
"Yes, Agapi?" Benezia's breath was warm on the top of Liara's crests and smelled like honey wine.
"Why were they all under 'A' on the shelves?" Liara pulled back and examined her mother's face.
Benezia smiled. "A friend once decided that's where they all belonged. Every time I put them back in alphabetical order, she'd move them there again. Eventually I gave up."
"Oh." Liara's forehead wrinkled in perplexity. Her mother giving up on anything was difficult to imagine. Liara went to where the small flower revolved in its case. "I never saw this before, M'ana. Where did it come from? It's exquisite." She breathed the last word with awe.
When her mother didn't answer, Liara turned back to her and saw tears in her mother's eyes. "M'ana!" She rushed over to stroke her mother's cheek. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't cry!"
Benezia took her hand and kissed her palm before releasing it. "Sadness is part of life." Her expression remained sorrowful. "It would diminish life to refuse to feel it."
Liara guessed the flower had to be from her father. She wondered again what had happened between them, but the pain on her mother's face kept her from asking. She hesitated, a different question burning in her, but she didn't want to cause her mother more pain. "M'ana," she asked quietly and tentatively, "how do people know when they're in love?"
"Hmm. A very important and grown up question." Benezia inclined her head acknowledging it. "Liara, it has been a while since we walked together in the garden. Would you walk there with me now?"
With a nod, Liara took her mother's hand. As the two left the suite, her mother requested that a doulos bring them vani, to wrap themselves in against any chill.
In the dark, the garden's plants glowed with eezo. The air smelled like warm moist soil, sea salt and the perfume of flowers. Nectar dripped down stamen and shimmered. Silarin alighted and lapped it up. Liara wrapped her white silken vani around her shoulders more out of nervousness than from any chill. A land breeze kept the garden warm. She followed her mother through the maze of fecundity to the proummon trees.
"Will you pick some with me?" Her mother lifted a hand to the dark lightning shape of a branch and touched the clump of proummon weighing it down, her fingers running over them.
"Of course, Mitera." Liara went to the tree next to the one her mother touched and carefully picked some. She watched her mother while she did. Eezo shimmered on her mother's skin as well as the tree's bark, the leaves and fruit. The way her mother moved was so graceful and proud, and she glowed. Liara held the image to her heart, loving her and loving being with her in this quiet way, dazzled by her beauty.
After a little while, Benezia stopped and stepped back into the starlight from the trees' darker shapes. Proummon filled Liara's vani. She went to stand by her mother.
Benezia spread her vani on the ground, the proummon she'd collected tumbling around on it, and she and Liara sat. Liara carefully placed her vani and fruit beside them. Benezia examined the fruit in Liara's vani, picking each up and turning it in her fingers. "These are excellent. How did you know which ones to take?"
"Their flesh felt firm and not too hard or soft, and they gave easily on their stems when I pulled."
"Agapi," Benezia stroked Liara's cheek. "The heart can be like that as well." She indicated the trees. "Some will feel too hard or too soft, and some will not be ready to give at the tug of another."
"M'ana." The frustration Liara felt could be heard in her tone. "Why do you always answer in riddles when I ask you important questions? Why can't you just tell me without talking about fruit or flowers or tezarin or the sea?"
"Liara, you think I know everything, but I look to the wisdom all around us to name the intuitions I find inside me. Life is the biggest riddle of all. There are no set answers."
"I don't believe that!" Liara frowned.
For a moment only the flutter of leaves in the night breeze could be heard. "I know, Agapi." The last word was as soft as a sigh.
Gesturing back to the now quiet house, Liara felt her frustration turn to anger. "All these people follow you for your wisdom and guidance all day, every day. Mitera, I don't know what to do!" Taking a proummon from the vani, Liara tossed it away. "I need your help and am asking for it." Tears choked her for a moment. "Will you only give it to your acolytes and strangers and not to your own daughter?"
"You are my very heart, Liara." Tears filled Benezia's eyes, but Liara couldn't see them. "No one could ever hold or take your place."
"Yet they have all your time and attention, and I get nothing!" Liara stood.
Benezia calmed herself, holding her daughter's pain still inside her. "You have both right now. What pains you, Agapi? What do you struggle with?"
Liara knelt and looked pleadingly at her mother. "Tell me what love is! Tell me how not to hurt anyone. Tell me what to do!"
"Does someone pull on your heart?"
"I don't know! But I feel something I've never felt before, and it's so powerful. Thala … touched me … and I ... wanted more, but I don't know what, or why I feel this way. What if I do something wrong?"
"What are you afraid of, Agapi?" Benezia softly stroked her daughter's cheek.
"Everything!" Liara bowed her head, unwilling to still meet her mother's eyes.
Her mother waited.
"Me! I'm afraid of me, of who I am, of what I'll do." Her eyes overflowed with tears when she did look up. "Do you keep away from me because you are ashamed of me? Of what I am?"
Benezia gathered her daughter to her gently and held her tight. "I love you, Liara T'Soni, all that you are. You are kind and sweet, curious and generous, restless and intelligent, strong-willed and honest, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Face what you fear, Agapi." She released her daughter and looked into her eyes. "You want to never hurt anyone? That's not possible. The choice is between pain that's worth something, and pain that's not. Choosing the pain that's worth something-that's love." Benezia's gaze grew distant for a moment, and she looked away before turning her regard back to Liara. "Hurt is not all that matters, and if you cause someone hurt, you can take responsibility for it and choose how to respond, including seek to make amends. You can also hold someone accountable for the hurt they cause you, and learn how and when to accept their apologies and amends and forgive. It's not a secret or magic. It's all any of us can do. We all make mistakes, but they don't have to be the end of any relationship. Most beings are strong and capable of recovering from almost any wound, and learning from every mistake."
Liara felt her throat tighten. There was something else she really needed to know, and feared knowing. "M'ana ... am I a mistake?
Roughly, Benezia cupped Liara's chin and lifted her face. Biotics rippled over her, her eyes glowed bright, and Liara was afraid. "Never!" Benezia hissed, angrily. "You are the best and most profound gift I will ever know, Liara T'Soni." Her grip and gaze gentled, though her eyes stayed bright. "Every day, you bless my life." She smiled and stroked Liara's chin, soothing over where her fingers and thumbs had held her tight before placing an arm around her shoulders. More than ever, Benezia wished that she could hold her daughter as she had when Liara was a child, lift her above everything and sing all the self-doubt away, but Benezia knew there were some things she could give her daughter and some her daughter had to discover and believe herself. She kissed the top of her daughter's crests. "This Thala seems to find things worth admiring about you as well. If you choose to share who you are with her, she will be blessed because of it. Of this, I'm sure."
Liara buried her face in her mother's shoulder and wished she could stay there.
"I will remember this day," Benezia said softly after a bit.
"Mmm, why Mitera?" Much calmer, Liara had been thinking she wanted to remember this moment too.
"Because my daughter asked me to tell her what to do. I have waited so long for that. There are so many things I can now sort out for you, starting with how you've set up your rooms."
Liara pulled her head back. Again she smelled the honey wine on her mother's breath mingling with her spicy scent and the cooling earth. Her mother glowed softly, as did their surroundings, but not enough for Liara to see the expression on her face. "Wait…"
"And there's your schedule too, and what classes you take…"
"That's not what I meant," Liara's concern grew. This wasn't going to turn into another debate about her interest in the Protheans, she hoped. "M'ana. I don't want you to do that!"
"You don't want me to direct everything for you?" Benezia nudged Liara with her shoulder. "Agapi."
Liara nudged her back, reassured by the touch, the teasing tone, and the familiar endearment. "Not everything."
"Do you know why I don't, even when you want me to?" Her mother's voice sounded more serious.
"Because I'm grown up?" Liara leaned against her mother as she answered. She couldn't see her mother smile at that response, but she did.
"Yes, because I know you can figure it out." Benezia pressed her cheek on the top of her daughter's crests. "It's a lovely night, and it's been a long time since we swam together. Want to?"
Her mother loved to swim, Liara knew. When she was younger, they'd swum together daily, but always during the day. "M'ana." Liara felt nervous at the idea. "It's dark out."
Benezia rose and slipped off her sandals. "So?"
"We won't be able to tell if there's anything in the water!" Despite her protest, Liara pushed the proummon away and got up too, wanting to stay with her mother.
With a laugh, Benezia lightly touched her nose. "That's half the fun. A little uncertainty can be exciting." Laughing, she strode off through the dark faintly shimmering silhouettes of the trees in the direction of the beach. "Maybe you and Thala will try it, if you have time with all your research."
"M'ana…." Liara's crests burned with embarrassment as she followed. "Don't tease me about her."
"As you wish … Agapi." Her mother's answer mingled with the soft breeze rustling the leaves.
*With this installment, my three stories surpass 100,000 words. My thanks to Midnight Lion, Owelpost, Cerulean1, Theodur, Arcturusjourney, Michael11 and to all who have given feedback in reviews. Keep your eyes peeled. I have a surprise tribute for reviewers that will show up in subsequent chapters.
**A chapter guide and glossary of asari terms can now be found on my profile page.