Disclaimer: I own nothing
Chapter 4
Quinn hadn't expected Santana's promise to be put to the test quite so soon and hadn't expected Brittany would be the cause, but the following week Mr Schue wanted to pay homage to Whitney and so they had an assignment to work on. In the choir room, Brit sang an amazing version of 'I wanna dance with somebody' and after the first two verses had started pulling everyone up to dance. She grabbed Artie, knowing him so well, she had done it hundreds of times, and pulled him forwards, he rolled freely towards her and even pirouetted on the way. Quinn just hadn't been expecting Brit to grab a hold of her hands and pull her the same way, catching her by surprise.
For her part Brittany hadn't realized that unlike Artie, who was so used to his chair, Quinn was still learning and had both brakes firmly fastened. It was so quick, that everyone saw too late what was happening and could do nothing to stop it. As Brit tugged she was expecting Quinn to roll towards her, but caught by surprise, Quinn had no hands free to prevent herself falling, so she just slipped straight to the floor, knees first, her legs buckling under her. Brit, surprised by what happened, couldn't do anything except let go and fortunately Quinn's hands flew to the floor to soften the landing.
Everyone stopped and looked in horror at Quinn as she sat sprawled out on the floor and then there was a rush forwards from Brit who was panicking that she had hurt her friend. She was going to just lift her back up, but the first to react was actually Rachel, who had been sitting just behind Quinn and hadn't gotten up to dance, so had witnessed the whole thing.
"It's okay Brit," Rachel stepped in front of Quinn and caught the much taller girl by the shoulders before she could bend to grab the fallen former cheerleader. She eyed Santana who immediately came and grabbed her distraught girlfriend who was now in tears and apologizing over and over to Quinn.
Pretty much everyone else was just staring at Quinn waiting for a response. "Just go sit down everyone and let Quinn sort herself out without you all gaping at her."
Artie immediately rolled up beside Quinn. "Are you okay?
"I'm fine actually," she replied as she pushed herself back against the frame of the wheelchair. "Brit, really I'm okay," she called over to her. "And you don't all have to sit down, I don't care if you all watch me, in fact stay where you are. I want you all to see that it's no big deal."
Rachel watched on warily, reluctant to move aside so the rest of the Glee club could see what was happening.
"Rachel, please. It's fine." The brunette stepped aside, still feeling very protective of Quinn. Quinn sighed and pulled her legs out from underneath her, tucked her knees up towards her chest and then put her hands behind her on the frame of the chair. Her knees fell to the side as she let go of them, but her feet stayed in the same place, which is what she had intended. Pushing down really hard, her body moved upwards between the frame and as she straightened her arms, her hips were high enough to slide back into the seat. She wasn't quite in properly, but she could now reach the back wheels and pushed down again to lift her butt right to the back of the chair. A quick pull of both legs brought her feet back into position and she was, though slightly flustered and breathing a little heavy from the exertion of the lift, back seated as she had been before.
Rachel seemed pleased she was okay and gave her shoulder a squeeze as she stepped behind to go back to her seat. Artie gave her arm a squeeze as well and then reversed back to the opposite side where he had been before. Mr Schue looked like he was a little out of his depth at first but gathering his thoughts, he now calmed everyone down and got them to go sit back in their seats without drawing any more attention to Quinn. But Quinn's hazel eyes were glued to Brittany, who had her head down and looked so sad even though Santana was reminding her of their agreement in the toilets.
Quinn flicked the brakes off her chair and rolled forwards, right behind Santana and pulled the couple apart. Taking Brit's hands she pulled her forwards.
"Sit," she indicated to Brit, who followed the instruction and dropped into Quinn's lap. Quinn pulled Brit's arms around her and they shared a big hug for quite a long time. "Brit, are you listening to me?"
There was no reply; tears were running down her face still, but she felt a head nodding against her shoulder.
"I am okay. It was just an accident and you didn't mean to pull me out onto the floor. I'm not upset."
Brit held on really tightly for virtually another whole minute. Eventually she whispered in Quinn's ear. "I'm really sorry if you have bruises, can I go and get some ice for your knees?"
Making their way back to their seats, Quinn looked up briefly and met Rachel's gaze. She silently mouthed the words 'thank you' to Rachel who just returned a huge smile.
"So I wanted to suggest a sleepover at my house," Rachel just wanted things to return to normal. "Just the senior girls, oh and Kurt of course; one last time before we leave."
"That sounds like a cool idea," Mercedes replied the suggestion. "Everyone will come right?"
"Of course, I want to dance on your stage and raid your dads' liquor cabinet again," Santana was keen.
"Do I get to go even if I'm not graduating?" Brit looked confused.
"Of course, you're still a senior," Rachel looked up at Quinn who so far had been the only one not to reply positively. "Quinn, you'll come right?"
"It's a great idea but I don't think I will be able to make it. Thanks for inviting me though."
"Can I ask why?" Rachel would just never accept things without a lengthy explanation.
"Well, your basement is down a flight of stairs and last I remember, there's no elevator at your house. Then your bedroom is upstairs and I hate to be a broken record but same problem. It's just easier if I don't come."
"I can just give you a piggy back, I used to do it for Artie at my house all the time," Brit didn't think it was a big deal.
"Thanks for rubbing that in my face," Santana responded.
"I forgot," Rachel replied. "Quinn, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think about that. That was really thoughtless of me."
"It's fine, actually it's nice you forgot," Quinn quirked her eyebrow.
"Hey, why are you pandering to her," Santana looked fierce, which she did on a regular basis so it wasn't that unusual, but in this instance, she wasn't about to take no for an answer. "Q, either we have the sleepover at Rachel's and you put up with us lugging you around or we have it at your house and there's no problem. Either way this is happening and it's happening with you. I'm fed up of you pretending like us helping out occasionally is some sort of burden."
Quinn looked a little nervous at the thought. "I just don't like the idea that I am ruining things for everyone else."
"Why don't you just get that we would rather you were there, even if it means we have to work a bit harder to include you, than not have you around. We already missed out having you around for two months."
She was grateful for Santana's straightforwardness. "I suppose it would be easier for me to have it at mine," she conceded. "I'll have to check with mom. I don't think she would mind, but it was your idea Rach so if you want it at yours, I guess I can let Brit give me a piggy back."
Rachel had a huge grin. "I just want us all to be together, I don't care where we do it, so if it makes you more comfortable, we'll have it at your house, Quinn."
The Fabray house was huge compared to everyone else's, even Rachel's. After the accident, Judy had stripped out the den and her former husband's home office to make a room and bathroom downstairs for Quinn. As a result Quinn's bedroom was now three times the size it had been and she had inherited the huge TV and music system that had been in the den before. Still, despite that she missed her old room upstairs. She looked around and fluffed up the pillows on the sofa.
Rachel, unsurprisingly was the first to arrive, with Kurt of course. They brought bags of things even though Judy had filled the fridge for them before she had gone out for the evening. She was still reluctant to leave her daughter alone in the house, but was getting better at it now Quinn was back in school. For her part, she was thrilled at the sleepover idea even though Quinn had looked a little embarrassed at asking her. Once she knew that Rachel would be there, she relaxed a little about going out and leaving them; Rachel was so sensible and of course Kurt was gay so he was safe to be let in the house as well.
Rachel and Kurt were parked in the car outside. For some reason, Rachel had butterflies in her stomach. They left the car and walked up the ramp that went to the front door. Kurt pressed the bell and they heard it ring inside, but they had to wait a while for Quinn to open the door.
Kurt jumped right in and gave her a hug. "I love your sweater," he said as they parted.
"Thanks, it's new."
"Next we'll get you back in mini-skirts and the correct order of the universe will be restored."
"Kurt!" Rachel pinched him.
"What?"
"Hey Rach," Quinn rolled her eyes as she gave the diva a hug as well. "Come on in," Quinn spun around and lead them across the wooden floor of the hallway, which was double-height and huge.
"Oh my gosh, I heard your house was a mansion, but I didn't realize that it like totally is a mansion."
Quinn hadn't had much opportunity to invite friends over to her house. It hadn't been a happy place for a long time and even though she and her mom were getting along well now, she hadn't really had the friends to invite before.
Rachel hadn't seen it since before the accident and her eyes were flicking around seeing the changes. The hall used to have carpet and there had been a step inside the door that was now a shallow ramp.
"Come on, let's get some music on. I really need to eat as well." Kurt was always good at making sure there were no awkward silences.
Mercedes arrived ten minutes later and Rachel let her in to save Quinn having to get the door. Santana and Brittany were last, no surprise there. By the time they arrived, The others were in the kitchen eating chips around the table and gossiping.
"Hola, mi amiga's," Santana sat on Quinn's lap for a hug and glanced around. "I like what you did with the place, Q."
They moved from the kitchen to Quinn's room and it drew a lot of compliments. It was a mature type of décor to suit someone of her age rather than the younger looking room she had left behind upstairs. But it was also a room she hadn't really had time to personalize with all the little things a person gets from life. There were no photos stuck to the mirror or trinkets from holidays and all the other sort of things girls had. It made it seem like a very beautiful show house.
It also had some things in she would rather no one saw, but these were her friends and they pretty much knew what she was living with so she had let them all in for the first time. Not many people got to see who she really was.
Santana of course just had to pick on things, she couldn't let it lie. In fact she and Rachel were really similar in that respect. After they had admired the sofa and the TV and the décor, Santana looked in the corner of the room. "What's this?" She wandered over and looked at it a little curiously.
Quinn groaned. "It's a standing frame. I'm supposed to spend a couple of hours a day in it."
"Why?"
"It's good for me. It keeps the bones in my legs from getting weaker or something like that and it makes my heart work harder so I don't get problems with my circulation." Quinn hoped she would leave it now.
"So how's it work?"
"You're not going to let this drop until I show you, I just know it."
"You don't have to pander to her curiosity, you know." Rachel gave Santana a stare.
"It's fine, she's just going to go on and on about it otherwise." Quinn spun around and went to the frame. "It's not that exciting trust me, actually it's really boring so I usually do my homework when I'm in it." She slid across to the seat part and strapped her feet into the bottom of the frame as the rest of them gathered around to watch. Fastening the belt around her hips, she started to pull the handle that gradually raised the seat until she was upright and her stomach pressed against the pad in front of her. The frame had a tray attached that she could lean her elbows on and use as a desk.
Quinn didn't notice everyone's faces as she raised herself up, she was busy concentrating on making sure everything stayed in the right place. "So once I'm up it's just a matter of finding something to do, because I'm pretty much stuck here until I get back in my chair…" her voice tailed off as she realized they had all gone quiet, even Kurt.
"When did you get taller than me?" Brittany whispered.
Quinn laughed. "I'm not, it's just the frame's couple of inches off the floor, Brit."
"Oh good, I thought I might be shrinking."
Quinn rolled her eyes and reached around her for a hug.
"Girl, it's so good to see you standing again," Mercedes agreed. "Even if it's with the help of this thing."
Santana was quiet, too quiet. A silent tear ran from each of her eyes and then she just ran out. Brittany's eyes followed Santana but she didn't follow her girlfriend, she knew she would need a little time to calm down.
Quinn's eyes narrowed as she heard the door close.
"Don't worry about San, she pretends to be all hard but sometimes she's soft in the middle like fluffy pillows but she doesn't like anyone to see." Brit squeezed her hand.
"Go get her, please. I want to talk to her. God, I hate being in this thing; I can't move." Frustrated, Quinn started to lower her body but it would take a few minutes to extricate herself from the standing frame.
"I'll go," Rachel volunteered and went quickly out the door. She found Santana on the other side of it. The Latina was sat with her knees pulled up to her chest and she was clearly trying to control her tears. Rachel just sat beside her and didn't say anything, she simply took one of Santana's hands in her own and held it for a little while.
"It's not fair, what she's going through. How can she not be pissed?" Huge tears were still rolling down her face. "She's a cheerleader for God's sake and now she can't even stand up without a stupid machine to do it for her!"
"I don't know," Rachel answered simply. "She wants to talk to you though," she added. "I was sent to bring you back in."
The others just watched as Quinn finally slid her hips across into the wheelchair and was mobile again. She was about to head for the door, when it re-opened and Rachel walked in. "She just needs a little while to get a handle on her emotions," Rachel smiled. "She's okay, Quinn."
Sure enough, five minutes later Santana returned. She had a small smile across her lips but was clearly still upset. Brit immediately went to her and threaded her arm through her girlfriend's to escort her to the sofa where everyone else was waiting.
"Sorry, Q," Santana's eyes were momentarily downcast. "I know you don't want us getting all emotional and stuff, but when I saw you stood up, I … it was just good to look you in the eye again and I'm sorry I freaked out."
Quinn thought about what had just happened and wanted to talk but she didn't want there to be a gap created by the chair. She looked over at the bed and had an idea.
"Let's talk, guys, but first I need you all to be comfortable and it's just not with me in the chair sometimes, so let's all pile on the bed. This is a sleepover right? Everyone in PJ's now." Quinn decided she needed to be brave and not feel so sensitive about herself any more. She could have slipped into the bathroom to get changed so they didn't have to see her struggle to change, but that was stupid. She had been hiding how difficult these things were from them for long enough. Maybe them seeing it would make it easier to accept. Even though Kurt was an honorary girls he was still banished briefly while they stripped off.
Quinn whipped her top over her head and her bra followed. Santana, never shy, didn't even bother to hide her curiosity and watched Quinn's muscular upper body wriggle into the sleeveless PJ top, whilst her lower body remained inert. She noticed immediately, how much more muscle was evident in her shoulders. The Latina was changed in a flash, cheerleaders were used to it.
She wandered across the room as Quinn struggled with the jeans she had been wearing. There was no attempt to help, she just watched as the blonde shifted her weight from one hip to the other in order to hitch them a little lower each time. Once they were past her hips, Quinn was able to lift her legs out of them. Santana saw how the muscles which Quinn had used to such good effect in cheering, were just lax now. Her hand squashed into the flesh of her thigh without resistance. Her lower leg hung limply as she lifted behind her knee. Eventually she had them off and the other girls, also finished, followed Santana.
"So this is what takes me ages guys," Quinn said with a shrug. "It's why I take forever in the restroom now. I mean I'm getting quicker but it's not an exact science. It depends what clothes I'm wearing. Tight jeans are like the worst, but I get nervous wearing a dress or skirt, keep thinking someone will get an eyeful."
"San wouldn't mind that," Brittany announced.
"Brit!" Her girlfriend hissed.
"Yeah but one strong gust of wind and everyone would get to see which day of the week is on my panties," Quinn laughed. She nodded at the shorts on the end of her bed, which Rachel was stood closest to. "Rach, throw them over please." Her small friend brought them round and handed them to her. "Thanks. Shorts are easy." Quinn didn't make eye contact as she slipped them over her feet, which hung limply off the footrest where she had abandoned them. Pushing herself upright, she then tugged them easily up as far as her knees. She lifted each thigh and pulled them higher again, finally a few more shuffles from one side to the other and she had them on. "Tada!" She did a little jazz hands when she was done and then adjusted her legs in the chair. "And now for my next trick," Quinn spun round and was going to say something funny but she felt a pair of arms grab her from behind and give her a huge hug. She recognized Santana's coffee-colored skin embrace her. Quinn put a hand on top of San's and squeezed. "It's okay, San. I'm not lying to you honestly. I just want you to understand that if nothing else. It's okay." Santana didn't let go though.
"You are fucking amazing, Q." It was a whisper, but everyone heard it, except Kurt who was shouting from the hallway to be let back in.
"We're all decent, Kurt." Mercedes gave him the all clear.
Quinn pulled closer to the bed and did her thing, sliding onto the mattress, lifting her legs up one at a time and then dragging herself backwards until her back hit the pillows piled against the headboard. Rachel moved her chair away a little and sat back next to her. Seeing Quinn's reaction to her chair being moved away Rachel reassured her.
"I'll make sure I move it back when I get up." Quinn gave her arm a squeeze of thanks.
On the other side Quinn called Santana over and put her arm around her shoulder as she lay down beside her. Mercedes and Brittany both laid down facing Quinn at the bottom of the bed and Kurt laid himself across Rachel's lap. "It's a good job you have the biggest bed in the world Quinn," Brit said dryly, meaning every word.
Quinn laughed. "Okay guys look, I get it okay. You have questions and I have been avoiding answering, so now there's no freakin' chair in the way, come on. Ask me whatever you want and I'll be honest, though I can't say I won't get upset. We have a few weeks left together and I don't want everyone wondering what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. That's all it's been for the last two weeks and I want our time to be spent talking about all of us and what we're going to be doing in the future."
"So we can ask anything?" Mercedes looked down briefly.
"Absolutely," Quinn replied meeting her steady gaze.
"Neither of you talked about the accident at all. What was it like?"
Rachel had been looking at Mercedes, but at the question, her eyes flew to Quinn.
Quinn looked up and shrugged. "I don't remember anything about it. I remember talking to Rach and she sent a text message to Finn and that's it for me until I woke up a week later, even then I don't really remember much of the first few days after that. I didn't even see the truck."
"Were you scared? I mean when you woke up."
"I was terrified at first, then my mom was talking to me saying not to worry, everything was going to be alright and I thought she meant that I was going to be fine." Quinn's voice cracked a little. "For a couple of days I was so out of it I didn't realize anything was wrong, then I started asking questions because I could see the nurse doing things but I didn't know what it was because I couldn't feel it." She tried to smile through the explanation, but the corners of her mouth kept dropping. "Eventually the doctor came in, did some tests and started to explain the injuries and saved the big one for last. He just said it like it was something you say every day. You have a serious spinal cord injury at the top of your lumbar spine, L1 and L2." She took a deep breath to control her voice. "I don't think I really understood it even then, despite checking how much I could feel and move, so I just asked him what that meant and he dropped it on me. You are paralyzed from just below your waist down."
They all had tears in their eyes at this point.
"Anyway, so I asked him how long it would last and he just made some platitudes about swelling might go down over the next few days and weeks, it's too early to say how much movement and sensation you will recover, but the chances of a full recovery are slim, less than five percent. The damage was pretty bad and it looked unlikely that I would ever recover enough to be able to walk unaided." She paused to take a breath. "You and Finn came to see me a little while later and I think I was a bit messed up, but I'm not that clear about things after, they kind of had me doped up."
Rachel took her hand and squeezed it tightly. "I remember, we were really worried about you."
Quinn smiled at her. "I was really happy to see you were okay though, I'd been panicking before that and just to hear your voice was amazing. We couldn't see each other," Quinn explained to the rest of them. "Rachel was stuck in a wheelchair and I couldn't even move my head so I could only see someone standing over me."
"What does it feel like?" Santana asked the question they all wanted to, but daren't.
"It's hard to explain. At first when I was lying down all the time, it was like my legs weren't even there. It just felt like my body stopped halfway down my stomach. I would reach under the sheet and touch my leg, but it was like I was touching someone else. Then when they sat me up, I could see my body was still there and it sort of felt like I was floating in water up to my waist." She shrugged.
"What about now?"
"It's sort of different again now. I suppose I have got used to it a little. So long as I can see them, I sort of have a sense of where my legs are, but I still can't feel anything. I think my brain sort of knows where they are. I know that sounds really weird but that's the only way to describe it. Honestly, I just hope that none of you do ever understand what it's like. I wouldn't wish this on anyone."
"Can I touch your leg?" Brit asked.
"Sure," Quinn quirked an eyebrow. Trust Brit to be left field.
Brit reached forwards and touched Quinn's lower leg. "It feels normal, I thought it would feel strange."
"When I touch them, I can feel my leg with my hands but my leg can't feel my hands."
"I can't even imagine," Mercedes said quietly.
"Yeah you can, touch my leg. Everybody touch my legs." Quinn realized everyone was starting to get comfortable and not so distant. They all put a hand on one of her legs and ran it up and down. "See, they don't feel any different to you, I just can't feel your hands at all."
"That's kind of good when you're shaving your legs though, right?" Brit screwed up her nose in thought.
They all giggled at that.
"So where does it stop?" Santana just couldn't help her curiosity.
Quinn glanced across at the chocolate brown eyes which were fixed on her lower body. "Don't freak out on me when I show you." She lifted her top a little just enough to expose the pale skin of her lower abdomen, pushed the waist of her shorts down a little and drew a line across her abdomen just below her belly button. "There's a line across here where its hypersensitive; it sort of tickles for about half an inch, then nothing. It's kind of higher on the back as well…" Quinn paused because she didn't just hear, but also felt in her chest when Santana took a sharp breath in. She looked across and saw a huge tear run down her friend's cheek. The rest of them looked away briefly, not wanting to think about what that meant. "Hey, come on. I said don't freak out on me. You wanted to know."
Rachel shook her head. "I just don't know how you can get used to that, Quinn."
"I don't have a choice, Rach. I spent the first few days just thinking about it all the time and wishing it would go away and kept checking my skin to see if I could feel any lower down, but it never changed. I don't even know how many hours I prayed for a sign that it was getting better, but it didn't. Eventually I just stopped wishing and praying because I realized it wasn't ever going to work. I suppose that's the point I realized I had accepted it."
"So, there's not anything that they can do to help?" Mercedes was a little horrified. "I thought they could do all kinds of stuff with stem cells."
"You should totally ask Artie to borrow his Rewalk legs," Brit was on roll.
"Thanks guys," Quinn's voice was still a little husky with emotion, but she was smiling at them. "But I feel like I've spent my whole life worrying about what I look like. I wasn't happy when I was in grade school and so I made all those changes thinking it would make me happy and then I spent the first three years of high school always wanting more and fighting over stupid boys because I always thought that if I didn't have my looks, I had nothing. I'm tired of the life I had before. I wasn't happy, not really. That was until the run up to regionals; finding out I got into Yale and becoming a better person. I finally found myself happy with who I was, but it wasn't what I looked like or being a cheerleader that did that, it was finally having real friends and a future that depended on my brains instead of a pretty face. The doctors told me that maybe in ten or twenty years there might be something that can reverse my injury, but that I shouldn't live life expecting it and they're right, so I'm not going to. If it finds me that will be great but for now, the pressure to be who I was is off and I can just be like everyone else in Glee and be myself. I've never done that, just be myself with no insecurities."
"What were you so afraid of before?" Rachel asked.
"This," she pointed down at her legs, "and that." She pointed at the wheelchair. "But the worst thing that I can imagine already happened and I survived, I don't really have anything left to be afraid of now."
Rachel curled into Quinn and put an arm around her ribs. "You are totally amazing, Quinn Fabray. I always said you were so much more than a pretty face and I was right. Some people thought you were shallow, but I always knew you had something special inside you."
"If you did, you knew it long before I did. I just wish I hadn't wasted all that time worrying that everyone was a threat to my status, like it was real."
"I have an idea." Kurt wanted to lighten the mood, which had gotten a little somber. "What would you tell your freshman self if you could go back and start over?" Kurt asked all of them.
"Believe in yourself," Mercedes responded. "What about you?"
He thought about it for a moment. "It will get easier to be you."
"Mine's easy," Rachel replied. "Talk less and listen more."
Quinn and Santana both looked at Rachel open mouthed.
"You two don't have a monopoly on personal growth you know."
"Santana, what's yours?" Quinn asked.
"Don't be a bitch all the time," she shrugged.
"Brit?"
"Feed Lord Tubbington less, oh, and find where he hides his cigarettes."
They all chuckled.
"So just you Quinn." Kurt looked expectantly at her.
"Don't waste your life wanting to be prom queen!"
"Oh my gosh, that's coming up soon," Brit suddenly remembered she was supposed to be organizing it. "I think I better see Principal Figgins about it on Monday now I decided on a theme."
"Really? What's it going to be?" Kurt had mixed feelings about the whole thing after last year.
"Dinosaurs!" Brit clapped her hands excitedly.
"Genius idea!" Santana commented.