GH owns all these characters - no infringement is intended

Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. We so much appreciate feedback and have taken all of it in. Be forewarned that this fic is about to get very, very dark. There is a reason for this that will come to light sooner or later. Take it all in, roll it around in your head - there will be a quiz later - and yes, spelling will count. ;)

As always, Seeker and I love reviews - we do the happy dance every time we get one, so please if you read, review.

Peace,

Bela and Seeker

CHAPTER FOUR: Nothing Really Matters

Maxie paced the corridor outside the locked doors to the psychiatric unit waiting for Jason to arrive. When she saw his pale face, it was obvious he had not slept the night before. A flash of annoyance came over his face, as if to say that he wasn't quite in the mood to deal with her at the moment, but Maxie didn't care. She wanted answers.

"Jason! You need to tell me what is going on – right now! Why is he here? They won't tell me anything."

Jason sighed with frustration and made Maxie sit down in a row of ugly plastic chairs.

"Maxie – last night – I came home and Spinelli – he had my gun."

"What? What do you mean – had your gun? I know he was mad at Sonny but - " She deliberately was trying not to comprehend what Jason was saying. "- he wouldn't have gone after him with your gun."

Jason interrupted her rambling. "No, Maxie – he was – he was going to hurt himself." Maxie blinked but didn't reply. "Maxie – he was planning on killing himself."

Maxie was already shaking her head in disagreement before he had finished his sentence. That was stupid. Adjusting the straps of her purse in her lap, Maxie pursed her lips. He didn't mean it how he said it.

"No. No Jason, you misunderstood. You don't know what you are talking about! He wouldn't do that." Maxie stood up dismissively.

Jason stayed seated. "Maxie - he admitted it – that's why he's here."

"Not possible," Maxie shook her head in disbelief. Not him, not her Spinelli, not her rock. The one person she could count on. How could he have thought about ending his own life? She waited for Jason's expression to change, for him to explain that he was mistaken, she was right. But his blue eyes just stayed sad. It was then that she knew he wasn't fooling with her. Maxie turned her back to Jason – she felt her heart breaking for Spinelli, that he could feel so much despair that he wouldn't want to live. A rock sank down into her stomach and she could feel it dissolving into her blood, slowing down her thoughts. That familiar feeling of loss flitted across her mind. How close she had come to going to another funeral…But there was something more--a thought that he could be gone right now and he would never know how she really felt.

She had kept her feelings for him to herself; denied that she thought of him as anything more than a friend. It would be simpler that way, because she wasn't quite ready to put her heart on the line again. She had told herself that he meant too much to her to ruin it all by reaching for more. Now, she knew that her heart would have been destroyed irreparably if he had hurt himself. Ironically enough, she had been afraid of losing him like she lost everyone else if she told him about the budding feelings. Maxie shook with a quite sob as she realized - he was everything to her.

She had to see him, to tell him how she felt. Maybe it would make a difference. Maybe he wouldn't care. But she had to try.

Turning back around, Maxie felt determined and sure. "I need to see him Jason."

Jason shook his head. "We have to wait until we talk to the doctor. She'll tell us if it is ok."

"Mr. Morgan?" Dr. Jordan came out of the set of doors with a medical chart in her hands. Jason stood up and went to greet the doctor. Maxie followed along behind, wanting to hear for herself what was really going on since Jason didn't feel like sharing all that much with her.

"Dr. Jordan. How is he this morning?"

"He is very agitated." She looked at Maxie. "I'm sorry – should we be having this conversation in private? He listed you as his next of kin and I don't know if he would want me discussing this with anyone else."

"Alright." Jason moved away down the hall with the doctor. Maxie felt herself on the verge of tears. It was obviously bad.

"Mr. Morgan – as I said, he was very agitated this morning. He had a panic attack and was attempting to get out of his room. Even with the sedatives we gave him, he was unable to rest last night. I was just in with him and he was having trouble speaking – has that ever happened before?"

"Trouble speaking? No – in fact he always talks too much. What do you mean – trouble speaking?"

"Stuttering? Finding his words? No?"

"No – that's not Spinelli at all." Jason said in a defeated voice. What was happening?

"Well, it could be the medication. We'll see how he is later today."

"Look, I guess I'm not sure what I should be asking you – what I need to do for him."

"There is no exact, set course for this kind of thing – medication first of all – but that has to be regulated and we have to find the right drug and dosage for him - anti-depressants can be tricky until we find the right combination, sometimes the wrong combination or dosage can make things worse for a while – be aware of that. It's all brain chemistry. What works for one person can make another person worse. But we will find something that helps. And of course, psychotherapy – we may also need you to come in with him for that."

"Me? Why?" Jason did not like the sound of that.

"Well, you seem to be the closest thing he has to family. He says he has a grandmother in Tennessee, but he did not want her to be contacted?"

"No – she's pretty old – I'm sure he wouldn't want her to worry."

"OK – well, the two of you seem very close." It was a statement but sounded more like a question.

"I thought we were – but I guess I don't know." Jason sighed. Spinelli was as close as anyone to being his family, but he wondered now, if he was that close, how could he have let his anguish go on and never know?

"Mr. Morgan – he seems to think you will be disappointed in him."

Jason shook his head. "I could never be disappointed in him. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body and he's the smartest guy I know. He's the only one I can talk to sometimes – the only one who really knows what I'm thinking. He needs to know that."

"Maybe when you talk to him – you can tell him that." Dr. Jordan looked at her watch. "I'm going to see if he is ready for visitors."

...

Jason entered the room where Spinelli lay, his back was to the door, and at first Jason thought he was asleep. "Spin?"

Spinelli rolled over to face Jason. "S-Stone Cold" His eyes were dull and drugged; Jason saw welts on his arms where it looked as if he had scratched himself and his hands were shaking.

"How are you feeling today?" He knew it was a stupid question to ask but he didn't know what else to say.

Spinelli shrugged. "T-the J-Jackal is – f-find-find-." He sighed, frustrated with his own voice. "H – he s-struggles." It was obviously an inadequate explanation for how he was feeling but the only one he could manage. Jason had never seen him have trouble finding words or speaking, his brain was usually working feverishly, his mouth barely keeping up the frenetic pace but he was never at a loss for words.

"It's ok Spinelli – the doctor said it might be the medication that is making it hard to think. She is going to work on that. You need to try to rest though."

Spinelli shook his head. "Can't – can't sleep. Dreams – mem – mem" He sighed. " - old things."

"Memories?"

"Y-yes." He frowned at the thought that someone else would have to finish his thoughts for him.

"What memories?"

He shook his head again – there was no way he could explain what was happening to him, not without being able to speak properly. And even if he could, he wasn't sure he wanted to. The memories were long buried, not ones that were pleasant or that he wanted to dredge up.

Jason held up a paper bag and placed it on the bed beside Spinelli. "I brought you some orange soda."

Spinelli smiled sadly but gratefully. "M-much thanks." But he made no move to take one.

"Maxie wants to see you." Jason offered – thinking that this might cheer him up. Instead, it seemed to agitate him more.

"N-no! The J-Jackal c-cannot see her. N-not like this!" His eyes looked scared again. "You – you must n-not let her. Tell her to g-go away."

"She's worried though."

"The J-J-Jackal cannot. No." His sentences were becoming more and more choppy and disjointed.

"OK. I'll tell her."

"S-Stone Cold."

"Yeah Spin?"

"I'm s-sorry."

"You said that last night – you have nothing to be sorry for. I just wish - I wish I had known – maybe I could have helped."

"St-Stone Cold has his own s-s-secret p-pain." He took a deep breath, as if his energy was being sapped by the struggle to speak. "H-he does not n-need m-more."

"You are my family Spinelli – don't you know that? You don't do you? Jake is my blood but you are my family too. You're my brother."

Spinelli looked gratefully at Jason. The words tore into his heart and he willed himself not to cry like a child. All his feelings were so on the surface that a scratch would set them bleeding.

……………………………

"Maxie – he doesn't want to see you."

"Of course he does! That's ridiculous! Tell him I'm waiting." She demanded again.

"I did. He says no and I am not going to force him. Look, he's really shaky right now, he's having trouble thinking clearly, give him a few days to calm down, let the meds kick in. I think he is embarrassed to have you see him like that."

"But Jason – I need to tell him…"

"What?"

"I – just – I need to talk to him." Her eyes misted over gain. Jason knew the signs. Love that was denied, for one reason or another - was rarely a good thing. Somehow though, it seemed to happen more often than not. She was in love with Spinelli and she had maybe only just realized it.

…………………………

"Jason?"

Jason shut his phone and turned around to see Claudia Zacchara walking toward him, she looked upset. "What are you doing here Claudia?" He asked in a dark tone, knowing already.

"Johnny told me Spinelli was here. What's going on?"

Jason sighed, he really didn't like the woman, but he knew Spinelli did and tried to make allowances for that. "He's getting help. He's going to be ok. He just needs some time."

"He tried to kill himself, didn't he?" She looked at Jason who didn't answer her. "Jason – tell me. He did, didn't he?"

"He had my gun, he didn't use it, but – he might have – if I hadn't come home." Jason's own words made him sick - he didn't want to even say them.

"I need to see him – to talk to him." Jason shook his head at her. "Yes! Jason - look, you think that I grew up in that house with my father and I never felt the way he did? That I never tried what he did? I need to see him, to tell him, that – I don't know – that he is going to get through this."

Jason looked at her in a new light. He knew that her childhood had not been all love and light. He knew Anthony Zacchara had been a bastard to her but he never realized that she had been that unhappy - not unhappy enough to try to kill herself.

"I'll see if he wants to talk to you." Jason relented. "But he won't even see Maxie. I think he's too embarrassed. But I'll try." He indicated to the nurse behind the station that he needed to get into the ward, she checked his ID and buzzed him through.

...

He went back into Spinelli's room and saw that he was lying in his bed staring at the ceiling. "Spin?"

Spinelli sat up. "S-stone Cold. I was wondering if you could b-bring me my laptop?" He sounded tired but his words were clearer.

"I can see if the doctor will let me - you sound better than earlier."

"Y-yeah the Ps- Psychological One said that the medication was interfering with m-my speech. B-but they are regulating it now and it s-should get better." Spinelli paused; revealing anything about his past was difficult for him. "I had a s-stuttering problem when I was a k-kid." Spinelli looked down at his lap as if just the thought of this was extremely disturbing.

"Yeah – well no one would know that by the way you talk nowadays."

Spinelli smiled a half-hearted smile. "Y-yeah – I guess not."

"Hey, listen, Claudia Zacchara is here – she wants to see you – what do you think?"

"V-vixenella?? Y-Yes, she can come in." Spinelli looked relieved, perhaps even hopeful. Jason took this as a good sign but wondered why these two seemed to have such an instant bond with each other. He shrugged mentally. Who was he to question such things? His own relationship with Spinelli was hardly run-of-the-mill and outwardly looked strange to most.

"OK, I'll get her signed in – and I'll be back later. It will give me a chance to go check on things at the office."

"S-Stone Cold, I am sorry that my – p-problems – have caused you distraction f-from you work."

"Hey – don't even think about that. I'm just checking on that stuff to give me something to do while your girlfriend visits." He smiled sarcastically at his friend trying to goad him into smiling. "My one priority right now is for you to get better. There is nothing more important to me than that – you got it?"

"Y-yeah. I got it." But he still looked upset that he had made things difficult for his mentor.

...

Spinelli was looking out the window at the city of Port Charles, wondering what everyone who wasn't being held in a mental ward was doing, if they were happy, if they were in love. If they were going to school, buying coffee on their way to a job, singing to the car radio.

"Hey handsome." His thoughts were interrupted by Claudia's voice. He turned around and the sight of her, the thought that she cared enough to come see him, made a dam in his heart burst. She was his friend. For no reason at all, she cared about him. His face crumpled and she rushed over to him. He fell into her embrace and, though he was taller than she was, she held him as if he was her baby. "Hey – hey, you. It's ok, it's ok. I'm here, ok? You're gonna be alright."

It was really odd to be this vulnerable in front of someone he barely knew. Maybe that was the appeal. She didn't know him like Jason or Maxie. She was slightly distanced. For some reason he felt himself cracking under her eyes.

She stroked his back as he trembled in her arms. "Oh – Sweetie." She had no idea why this kid meant so much to her. He just did. Maybe because he liked her despite all the reasons he shouldn't and that he had no agenda for being nice to her, maybe because they were both black sheep, societal misfits. Who knew or cared?

She pushed him away gently, brushing some hair of his face. "I'm not going to ask you if you are OK, because I know you're not. But I want you to know that you will be. I'm going to be here for you. There are so many people that love you." She pulled him toward his bed and sat on the edge with him, still holding him.

"Do you know how many people care about you? Jason is like a mother tiger." She laughed softly at the image. "Yeah – Jason's your mom." She laughed again. "He loves you very much. He would never say so of course, that wouldn't be manly – but he does. And he told me that Maxie has been trying to get in here. You better let her in, before she sneaks in disguise or something. She loves you – she just doesn't even know how much yet. And Lulu loves you too – that's probably the only time I have come close to liking that girl was when I saw her face talking about how she would be devastated if anything were to happen to you. And I love you. I don't even know how we became friends."

Spinelli looked up at her. "Why d-did you come? How did you know I n-needed you?"

"I just did." She smiled at him. "I just-" She shrugged "- knew that you needed me." She kissed him on the forehead. "Do you know the first time we met? Well, the second time – not at the pool hall – at the penthouse – you know what I thought? I thought. Wow – this guy is awesome. There is no one on earth like this guy. He and I are going to be friends. And remember when we were all stuck together in the Penthouse and you were sick? And I took care of you? Well, I am going to take care of you again. Get you well."

"Th-thank you."

"There's no need to thank me, sweetie. I'm going to tell you something, ok?" Claudia thought about how she wanted to begin. "When I was a teenager, well, some things happened. It's not important what, but there was a time that I was very unhappy. I didn't think things would ever get better. I knew I didn't want to live that way. I took a bunch of pills and went to sleep, hoping for the end. I woke up a few days later in a hospital, kind of like this one. My uncle had found me."

"The reason that I am telling you all this is that, I thank God every day that I did not succeed because I would never have seen Johnny again, I would never have met you." She hugged him close again. "So many things. And there are so many things out there for you still. Do you understand?"

Spinelli nodded, still unconvinced, but gaining comfort from her confession and closeness.

Later that morning, Jason returned to find Spinelli and Claudia playing chess on his bed. They held hands, as they played, comfortable in each other's presence. Jason felt his hatred for Claudia waning slightly.

………………

"Hey stupid! Dummy!" The boy named Gage laughed. He was a thick, stupid looking boy who delighted in picking on anyone smaller.

"Hey! C-C-C-can't you T-T-Talk?!" His brother Tate called. He was thinner, but his eyes were mean and beady and they scared Damian.

Damian walked faster past the playground clutching his dictionary, his head down trying to make himself invisible. He hunched over, making himself even smaller than he already was.

"Hey! I'm talking to you. Answer me! Are you R-R-Retarded?"

The two boys stepped off the playground onto the sidewalk in front of him, blocking his path. He stopped and waited for them to pummel him or take his book or shoes or any number of other juvenile tortures he endured on a daily basis.

Gage grabbed his book. "What's that you got there? A dictionary??" He laughed. "What does a duh-duh-dummy like you need with a duh-duh-dictionary?"

Damian's face grew hot and he prayed for the boys to get bored quickly.

"Hey – make him say something." Tate suggested elbowing his brother.

"Hey - say salamander. Say it!!" Gage smacked Damian on the back of the head.

"S –Salam-m-ander." Damian stuttered. The two boys erupted in gales of laughter.

As Matt turned the corner, he saw his little brother and the two boys. He looked so little standing there, his head hung in shame, one of his sneakers was untied and his fists clenched and unclenched nervously. One of the boys shoved him and Damian stumbled backward and fell.

The anger boiled up in Matt "HEY!" He ran towards the group. "What do you guys think you're doing?"

"Uh – hey Hunter. We're just having a little fun." Gage said nervously.

"It doesn't look like he's having any fun." He pulled Damian off the ground. "You ok?"

Damian looked up at his brother with his sad green eyes, his messy hair falling in his face and Matt felt like a jerk. Only that morning he had been making fun of his stuttering too.

"Get out of here! And I better not catch you picking on my brother again if you know what's good for you!" He called after them as the two bullies ran off.

"Hey." He picked up Damian's dictionary off the ground and handed it to him. He always carried it – ever since they had gone to a bookstore with their father. Damian had picked it up and his father had bought it for him. He never let it go. "Those guys are jerks. You let me know if they pick on you again. I'll kick their butts." He knelt down and started tying Damian's sneaker. "You wanna go get some ice cream, Day?"

Damian looked at his brother like he was Superman. "Yeah, Matty." He brushed his hair across his face. "C-can I have an orange s-soda too? They are d-delectable." He squeaked in an eager little voice.

Matt's heart melted, as he looked at the little kid in a new light. His mother had always said he was stupid and a freak. She had always been mean to him and he had followed suit to please her. Now he realized, the little boy was smarter than anyone gave him credit. Matt didn't even know he could read. He was starting to realize his mother had other reasons for hating the little boy that had nothing to do with his stuttering.

"Ah – Nectar of the God's – yeah, squirt, we can get orange sodas too." He patted Damian on the back. "Sounds like you made it to the D's in that dictionary of yours – delectable??" He laughed.

Damian laughed too; maybe he finally had a friend.

...

Spinelli tapped away halfheartedly on his laptop. Jason had brought it earlier for him but it did not lend its usual comfort. Everything seemed a little less his now that he was forced to share things about his mental state with strangers and friends. The line between personal and public knowledge was erased, leaving him wondering where his privacy had gone and if he would ever get it back.

He was still disturbed by the session he had had with Dr. Jordan earlier that evening. How was he supposed to open up to a complete stranger? Tell them things that he didn't even want to think about – much less talk about? How was he supposed to say out loud things that he wanted to forget? And then she had mentioned group therapy. He couldn't do it. There was no way. A bunch of people all gathered around talking about their own pain and him chiming in with his? How exactly was that productive?

A sound in the doorway made him look up; his stomach erupted in unpleasant butterflies when he saw Matt standing there. Spinelli repressed a growl in his throat at the sight of his brother standing in the doorway with a look of sympathy on his face. His pity and concern was the worst out of everyone.

"Hey," Matt started. "How are you?"

Spinelli did not reply. What was he supposed to say? He was fine? Feeling great? Ready to go dancing? Why did Matt find the need to do this? Spinelli had told him quite plainly that he wanted nothing to do with him, he preferred their estrangement.

"Uh – well – I just wanted to see how you were doing. Maxie said you wouldn't see her."

Spinelli had never hated anyone quite like how he hated Matt in that moment. He said her name. He hadn't earned the right. Why did Matt feel as though he was allowed to just come into Port Charles and walk right into his life and have her? Of course, his brother had always been the entitled one. Why would this be any different?

"W-why do you c-care?" Spinelli gritted his teeth at the sound of the stuttering voice.

"You're stuttering." Matt said in a concerned tone.

Spinelli glowered back silently. Of course, Matt would point that out.

"Sorry." Matt shuffled uncomfortably. "So – well I – I feel bad because – you know – because of what happened at Kelly's. But – you know – you shouldn't try to take the easy way out. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Matt probably would've died then and there if looks could kill. Spinelli's fury raged through him, sluggish from drugs, but there and determined nonetheless.

"D-did you get that p-particular n-nugget of wisdom off a Public S-service Poster?" Spinelli grew angry at the trite advice but even more so at the sound of his own stuttering voice.

Matt did not reply because he did, in fact, see it on a poster in the clinic.

"You know- I do-don't know what you want me t-to tell you. D-do you really think I was thinking clearly and r-rationally? You have no idea how I f-felt. D-don't pretend like you know me at all. You haven't s-seen me since I was eight years old and all of a sudden you're g-giving me life advice? Or in this p-particular case, life and d-death advice." Spinelli laughed at his own joke.

"Look, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to think you are alone." Matt shrugged, awkward. "I'm here for you."

Spinelli remembered one thing about his brother, and it was that his bedside manner sucked. Him saying that he was "there for him" sounded about as sincere as a thief saying he was just going to "borrow it". Matt didn't mean what he said at all, he just felt like he should say it. They probably taught him a script in medical school on how to deal with all sorts of situations. Spinelli wondered if "concern for your distanced sibling" was one of them.

"W-what makes you think I n-need you? I have Stone Cold. He's more a b-brother to me than you ever were." Spinelli glared at him – daring him to say anything to the contrary.

"Look there are things you don't know…" Matt started but did not finish. "OK. I - understand. I'm glad you have someone you can count on. Just – look, if you need anything…."

"I don't." Spinelli blinked furiously and went back to tapping on his keyboard but he no longer knew what he was even typing.

…………………….

"Take him – tonight. It's perfect. I couldn't have thought up a better scenario myself. Break in there and take him – they'll think he escaped in order to - shake free this mortal coil - as it were."

"You want us to take him to the warehouse?"

"No. I have a much better plan. A sort of poetic plan."

"OK. We'll make it happen."

"See that nothing goes wrong. You know how I want it done. Make sure you leave evidence that he is dead. Morgan will be beside himself and we can move in on his territory. I want to wreck him."

……………………..

Jason grabbed blindly for the phone in the dark. Flipping the cover open, he grumbled a greeting into the receiver, glaring at the time on the digital clock that read four in the morning. Whoever was calling better have a good reason considering he hadn't slept at all the night before.

"S-stone Cold. It is I – The -- uh -- Spinelli." His friend's voice voice was strained. Jason sat up in bed.

"Spinelli? What is wrong?" He heard what sounded like labored breathing.

"I – uh – I'm not sure why I'm c-calling." Spinelli stuttered. "I uh- guess I just n-needed to talk but – don't w-worry about it. I'll – talk to you in the m-morning."

"No, Spinelli, it's fine. What do you want to talk about?"

"It –uh – it doesn't matter. B-bye."

Jason heard a click and the line dropped. He then stared into the darkness wondering if he should go to the hospital or give his friend some space. Little did he know, it wouldn't matter. By the time he had made up his mind, it was already too late.

Next: Spinelli learns just how bad, "bad" can get.