The Happy Red Planet

by Literary Eagle

Humans and Angels cannot coexist. One species must eliminate the other in order to inherit the world... or, you know, they could just find another planet. This is a tale of hope and friendship. It is also a story about a bunch of weird stuff happening on Mars.

4. The Shinji Ikari Collective Diary

Welcome to the next chapter! Thanks for continuing to read this story, and extra special thanks to those of you who took the time to give me feedback! And of course, I am extremely grateful to my beta readers AleeN and Laryna6 for all of their helpful suggestions, and the wonderful artists Rulani, Ivi, and np for the wonderful illustrations and comics they have drawn for the story so far. (All of the artwork can be found on my blog. If you haven't been there yet, you can find a link to it in my author profile. I also write Evangelion book reviews on my blog, so be sure to check it out!)

Legal disclaimer to keep my imaginary lawyer happy: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. It belongs to Hideaki Anno and Gainax/Khara.

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The Happy Red Planet - Chapter Four: The Shinji Ikari Collective Diary

by Literary Eagle

---

Seele's attempt at contacting Nerv headquarters was met with silence.

Chairman Keel Lorenz was infuriated by this blatant act of disrespect, but that type of response (or lack thereof) was not really surprising.

Next came Seele's attempt at seizing control by using the Magi systems of several other Nerv bases to hack into Tokyo-3's Magi, which was met with… considerably less expected results.

An image of Dr. Ritsuko Akagi suddenly appeared on Keel's computer screen, wearing black leather kitty ears and holding a cat o' nine tails. Beneath this image was the text "I can has revenge?"

The image was suddenly replaced with dozens of animated kittens, which began eagerly rummaging through Keel's computer files as the words "You can has virus!" flashed onscreen.

"A virus!" one of Keel's aides shouted in dismay.

"Even worse… it's a lolcats virus!" shouted another, "It's gotten into every Seele computer, and the other Nerv bases as well!"

Keel pounded his fists on the table. "Launch the invasion forces immediately!" he demanded, as his cybernetic body quivered with rage, "And somebody get these damn kittens off my screen… if I still had a stomach, I would be vomiting right now!"

---

With Ritsuko already battling the hackers from a secure location, and most of the Nerv staff evacuating except for those who had volunteered to stay and help Ritsuko, it was time for the Eva pilots, Misato, and Lazarus to take their places in the operation as well.

Glancing at the Adam statue's crumbling neck stump again, Shinji tried to remind himself that it was just a broken art piece and not an ill omen. It was unreasonable to be so distressed by the stone carving's lack of a head, right? So why did it make Shinji feel so afraid for everybody, especially Kaworu? He fervently hoped it was just nervousness and not the echoes of a past life haunting the back of his mind. "Stay safe, everyone," he said, holding Lazarus the kitten closer to his chest for comfort as he spoke to his friends, "Please, please be careful."

"Hmph. Don't worry about me, Stupid Shinji. I'll be fine. It's the others you have to be worried about," said Asuka. Turning to glare at Kaworu, she jabbed a finger towards him and added, "I'm mainly talking about you, Special K! You'd better stay out of trouble, because if you get yourself killed, I'm going to give your corpse a good kick when I get back!" But her tone was mostly teasing rather than genuinely annoyed.

"Of course I will be fine, with you and Rei protecting me from Seele," said Kaworu, smiling as he raised his hands in a placating gesture.

Asuka hmph'd again, but could not seem to find an argument against that. Looking at Shinji once more, she said "Hey, you'd better stay safe, too. Don't forget that you promised to cook a feast for me when this is all over. And… and I don't want our third kiss to be terrible, so you'd better be ready."

Shinji's face flushed at the memory of Asuka pinching his nose and pressing her lips against his. It had been one of the most dizzying moments of his life, although admittedly that was probably due to the oxygen deprivation rather than the kiss itself. Still, he was fairly certain that the lack of air hadn't damaged his brain to the point of not knowing how to count anymore. "Asuka, what do you mean by 'third kiss'? There hasn't been a second… meep!" That final squeak had been because Asuka had suddenly puckered her lips and darted forward, kissing him on the…

Elbow.

His elbow?!

"Hah! Fooled you!" Asuka laughed, sticking her tongue out at him and then quickly turning away. But was it Shinji's imagination, or had her cheeks appeared a bit red? "Well, I can't stand around here watching you idiots all day, because I have to defend your asses from those Mass Production Evas," Asuka continued, marching away without a single glance back, "Come on, First Child, let's get going."

"Yes, Soryu," said Rei. She leaned over and kissed Shinji's other elbow, causing him to meep for the second time, and then ran after Asuka.

Shinji remained wide-eyed as the two girls departed. "Did… did Rei just make a joke again?"

Misato grinned. "She's certainly been on a roll lately."

"K-Kaworu! Meep!" Shinji squeaked, feeling himself blush all over as Kaworu unexpectedly knelt down and pressed his pale lips against the same elbow that Rei had kissed. Luckily, Shinji maintained enough presence of mind to keep holding onto Lazarus with his other arm.

Misato let out a chuckle. "Wow, Shinji, I'm the only one here who hasn't kissed you!"

"Lilin humor," said Kaworu, looking up at Shinji with a wide grin, "I love it!"

Shinji sighed. "I'm turning into a human squeak toy here! Is it too late for me to wish for friends who are a little less humorous?" he asked the sky. But he ruffled Kaworu's hair to show that he was kidding.

Sadly, time was short, so they had to get back to restoring the Adam statue and doing… well, whatever else it was that they needed to do in order to complete the TABRIS Project.

"As a way of expressing my desire for friendship between Angels and the Lilin, I shall repair this statue by focusing my power through one of the crowning achievements of the Lilin culture: music," Kaworu explained, climbing onto the damaged sculpture. "As for your roles in this mission, my past lives should be here to pick you up soon." With that, the Angel took a deep breath and began to sing.

However, the sound that came out of Kaworu was nothing like a human voice at all. To Shinji's surprise, it was the tender whispers of the wind and the great thunder of ocean waves, the soft crackles of flames and the powerful rumbles of volcanoes, all weaving together into a melody like instruments played by a masterful orchestra. There were also lyrics in an unfamiliar language, at times bellowed by the roars of huge beasts and at other times gently trilled by the sweet voices of little birds, the calls of a thousand creatures emanating from a single Angel. It was the sounds of life, of death, of rebirth. It was a ballad of all that was and all that ever would be, a love song to creation in all its glory.

It was the most magnificent thing that Shinji had ever heard. A quick glance at Misato revealed that she appeared to be equally enraptured.

When Kaworu paused a moment to catch his breath, Shinji just had to speak up. "Wow, that was incredible. Kaworu, I… I…"

"Well, that's enough of a warm-up for my lungs!" said Kaworu, "Now it's time for the actual music!"

"Wait… what?!"

Pulling a kazoo out of his pocket, Kaworu began to hum into the instrument, producing a sound that resembled "Fly Me to the Moon" as a mosquito would perform it.

Misato raised an eyebrow at Shinji, but all he could do was shrug helplessly in response. There was no arguing with results, though: before their very eyes, several cracks on the statue began to seal themselves, leaving the stone looking as smooth as if it had never been broken.

"Oh, there you are! Sorry we're late!" said a voice from behind them.

Turning around, Shinji and Misato saw a strange black doorway floating in the air, and several boys who all looked like Kaworu were leaning out of it.

"Hello again!" Shinji exclaimed happily.

"So this is the Kaworu choir, huh? Or is it that I really need to quit drinking?" said Misato, rubbing her eyes.

Shinji chuckled. "It's okay, Misato. This is the choir… Kaworu's past lives." In a lower voice, he added, "Um, but it still wouldn't hurt if you drank a bit less."

"We understand this is a lot to take in, but we will explain everything," said the Kaworu who wore a black necktie with a long white cross on it. Shinji recognized him as the member of the Kaworu choir who had been the first to speak during their previous encounter. Was he the leader of the group?

"Well, don't just stand there!" said the Kaworu wearing a plugsuit that had been converted into a Power Ranger costume minus the helmet, "Come in, come in!"

With that, several of the Kaworus pulled Shinji and Misato through the doorway. "Careful, Shinji… don't let go of Lazarus!" one of them said, and the reason for the warning became clear when Shinji was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness.

When the vertigo subsided, Shinji found himself in complete blackness, although he could still feel the kitten in his arms. "Um, where do I go now?" he said, fearing that he might have an accident if he tried to move in the dark without guidance. Perhaps the Kaworus had night vision far superior to a Lilin's, and they weren't aware that Shinji and Misato would have difficulty in a place with no light. "Help! I can't see!"

"Try opening your eyes, maybe?" Misato's voice said wryly.

"Oh." Shinji unclenched his eyelids, and saw that he was sitting in a small boat with Misato and Lazarus. Curiously, the little wooden craft was painted white with black splotches, like a dairy cow. Surrounding them were similar cow-spotted boats, with a Kaworu riding in each one. Shining above this odd fleet was not the daytime sky of Tokyo-3, but a night illuminated by stars. The celestial display was reflected by the waters below, making it look as if they were traversing a sea of constellations. Well, constellations and cows. Even though they had no visible motors or paddles, the cow-vessels were gliding forward at an efficient pace, making gentle mooing sounds as they did so.

"Uh, what is all this?" asked Misato, gesturing at the group's bizarre means of transportation.

"It's a cow ocean," said one of the Kaworus, as if that was supposed to make sense.

"Um, right. Of course. And what's that?" Misato asked next, pointing towards an island with a tall tree that they seemed to be heading towards.

"That is the Yggdrasil, our headquarters."

"It's a tree?" said Misato.

"Well, it's bigger on the inside."

"It's a TARDIS?" said Misato.

She must have made a joke, because the Kaworus all laughed, although Shinji didn't get the reference. Maybe I need to start reading TV Tropes like Kaworu does, Shinji thought.

Upon arriving at the island, Shinji could see that the tree was actually quite massive, like a skyscraper adorned with branches and leaves. However, that still did not prepare him for walking through the front door located between the tree's roots, for once he crossed the threshold, he found himself in a multistoried Eden with countless water fountains and trees (trees inside a tree?) and ornate buildings with flower-filled balconies upon balconies upon balconies reaching ever upward until they disappeared into the clouds (clouds inside a tree?!). Much of the architecture seemed to be carved out of enormous golden-brown gemstones that reminded Shinji of amber, but instead of having dead insects trapped inside like he'd seen in science class, they appeared to contain computer circuitry. In turn, the circuits appeared to be trapping glowing red spheres that resembled Angel cores in miniature form.

Adding to Shinji's astonishment was the discovery that the Kaworu choir he had met before was just a small sample of the Yggdrasil's residents, for there were hundreds more Kaworus populating the garden city. They were everywhere, bustling along the endless levels of verandas and bridges while carrying various instruments (some medical, some musical). There were also Kaworus flying through the air, unfurling a long roll of sheet music and scribbling notes onto it. There were even a few Kaworus pulling a large fishing net out of a lake, although they appeared to be catching piano keys instead of fish. Some of the groups of Kaworus were moving so rapidly that their gray and silver hair appeared to blend together like rivulets of mercury winding between the amber and blossoms, a delightful mixture of silvers and golds and flowery perfumes as if a chemist, a jeweler, and a gardener had blended their dreams together and made them real.

"I don't believe this," said Misato, awestruck to the point that her voice was barely audible.

Shinji didn't trust his voice to function properly either, so he simply nodded. It was like standing in the midst of a living work of art. It was astounding. It was beautiful. And it made Shinji feel terrible. Kaworu, how many times have you died for me?, he wondered, looking at all the Kaworus of the past as they continued to flow through the place, How many times?

Shinji knew that Kaworu's favorite song "Ode to Joy" contained the line "a friend loyal unto death", but this was ridiculous.

"It isn't normally this chaotic around here, but we're busy preparing for the TABRIS Project," said the Kaworu with the cross necktie, "We know that your friends are putting themselves in harm's way to stall Seele's forces for our sake, so we're trying to get ready as quickly as possible. Perhaps a morale booster will help…" In a louder voice, he called out, "Hey, everyone! Shinji is here!"

Hundreds of pairs of red eyes turned to look in Shinji's direction.

"Hello, Shinji!" the multiple Kaworus called out happily.

"Hi, Kaworu… and Kaworu… and, um, Kaworu… all the Kaworus…" Shinji replied shyly, doing an awkward sort of pirouette in order to accomplish a 360-degree hello to the crowd.

There was a gentle laugh from the Kaworu with the cross tie. "Oh right, I almost forgot. Nametags, everybody!"

With that, the members of the Kaworu choir and all of the other Kaworus pulled nametags out of their pockets – although the ones wearing plugsuits most likely didn't have pockets, leaving Shinji to wonder where the heck their nametags were coming from – and pinned them to their clothes at chest level.

"Because there are so many of us, we have nicknames to make things less confusing," the Kaworu in the Power Ranger outfit explained to Shinji, "We all know each other's nicknames by heart already, but to make it easier for you and Major Katsuragi, we'll wear these nametags while you're here. The Kaworu with the cross necktie is our leader. The Chief Kaworu, if you will. So we call him Chiefworu. And I'm Rangerworu, for… obvious reasons."

As most of the Kaworus dispersed to continue with their work, Shinji looked at the nametags of those who remained nearby: Transferworu, Lunchworu, Smoochworu, Forgottenworu, Sputnikworu, and so many more. It made him dizzy. It also made him curious about one thing. "What about the Kaworu of my timeline? Does he have a nickname, too?

"Of course!" said Chiefworu, nodding, "His nickname is Woruworu."

There was an awkward silence.

"Woruworu? Seriously?" Misato finally said, wrinkling her nose.

Chiefworu blushed slightly. "Um, we were running out of nicknames."

Misato groaned. "Dying so many times that you've run out of nicknames? That doesn't exactly inspire confidence in this mission."

Shinji wanted to believe in Kaworu, but at that moment, he was having a hard time disagreeing with Misato's assessment.

---

The soldiers of the Japanese Strategic Self Defense Force swarmed into Nerv headquarters, indiscriminately killing anyone who stood in their way… or at least they would have, except that nobody stood in their way! Apart from a few automated defenses that had been quite easy to disable, the JSSDF had encountered surprisingly little resistance so far, and no humans at all. Was Nerv so self-assured about their fiendish Third Impact plot that they weren't even bothering to keep out intruders? Smug bastards. No wonder the JSSDF had been ordered to kill them all, including the pilots.

At last, upon reaching the entrance to the cafeteria, the sound of a child's voice could be heard, humming "Ode to Joy". One of the pilots? The armed soldiers stormed into the room, not hesitating even for a moment to point their guns at the child.

Except it wasn't a child at all.

It was… a toaster?

"Hi!" said the kitchen appliance, waving its unplugged cord at them in greeting, "Mommy said that he doesn't want any Lilin to die. So if it's not too much trouble, please surrender peacefully, okay?"

"Is this a joke?" a soldier growled, keeping his gun pointed at the toaster in case the talking device turned out to be a weapon in disguise, "Where are the Eva pilots?"

"Gee, mister, you really need to relax," said the little appliance, "Have a coffee break!"

With rapid precision, the vending machines that lined one wall of the cafeteria suddenly fired a steady stream of UCC Coffee cans into the air, striking each soldier in the head until the entire army was out cold on the floor.

When the soldiers awoke, they found that their weapons had been taken away and the doors were sealed shut, which was not surprising. No, what was surprising was that the soldiers now found themselves seated at the cafeteria tables, which were laden with heaps of waffles and maple syrup, and more canned coffee. Not only that, but the tables themselves were surrounded with massive piles of merchandise featuring the Evangelions and their pilots.

"Sorry for taking your weapons," said a blender, hopping around the room like an energetic puppy as it addressed the army, "Also, sorry to disappoint you, but the Nerv employees have already been moved to an undisclosed location. We know that we've been really rude so far. Mommy would scold us if he found out that we didn't make up for our bad manners, so please relax and enjoy your meal… and the complimentary merchandise! Aren't these toys of the Eva pilots the cutest things ever?"

"In the meantime, we will also entertain you with one of the crowning achievements of the Lilin culture," said a microwave, doing an oddly graceful little spin while it spoke, "Music!"

"I have a bad feeling about this," one of the soldiers muttered, as a radio began to play an upbeat tune, and the appliances pranced about as they sang:

Merchandising, merchandising!
Guess it's not really surprising
Gainax 'n Khara want you to spend more
So head on down to the Eva store!
Think this canned coffee is the best?
Just wait until you see the rest!
Rei wall scrolls (so iconic)
Asuka dolls (quite ironic)

Why less Shinji merch? Who knows?
Have some Angel socks for your toes!
Yeah, it's pretty random
But it's adored by the fandom!
So cuddle a cute Kaworu plush
Or wear Pen Pen undies (don't blush)
It's a glorious day with the sun rising
Upon more merchandising, merchandising!

As the song continued, the toasters did back flips, the blenders waltzed with the microwaves, and (much to everyone's dismay), the huge vending machines attempted to tap dance.

"This is ridiculous," a soldier groaned.

"But kind of catchy," another soldier admitted.

---

The blender had not been lying about the Nerv staff moving to an undisclosed location, for hidden in the forest just outside Nerv headquarters was an innocent-looking van that had the words "Undisclosed Location" painted on the side. And inside this conspicuously inconspicuous vehicle was Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, along with First Lieutenants Maya Ibuki, Makoto Hyuga, and Shigeru Aoba. Oh, and a heck of a lot of computer equipment, which they were all observing carefully.

"The soldiers that invaded the base have been successfully captured!" said Maya, looking at security videos of Nerv's cafeteria.

"Good, now that just leaves the soldiers who are still lurking around outdoors," said Ritsuko, putting her screwdriver back into a toolbox decorated with Hello Kitty stickers, "The quick enhancement I did to that group of Kaworu's toasters that should do the trick."

Shigeru's cynical eye roll and Makoto's puzzled head tilt made it pretty clear what they thought about Ritsuko's idea of an enhancement. Maya, on the other hand, looked positively starry-eyed as she moved closer to Ritsuko and said "Ah, the power of science! Ma'am, you're sooooooooo cool!"

"So, um… where did you get the idea to do that to the toasters, anyway?" asked Makoto.

Ritsuko shrugged. "I saw it on a screensaver."

---

"Um, can I ask a question?" said Shinji, as he walked with Lazarus, Misato, Chiefworu, Rangerworu, and a few of the other Kaworus. They strode down a long path lined with columns made from that amber-like material that seemed to be everywhere. In between the columns were statues representing Shinji from different past lives doing all kinds of heroic poses, a sight which caused the current Shinji to meep several times in embarrassment.

"Feel free to ask anything, Shinji," said Chiefworu, "Final preparations for the TABRIS Project are still underway, so we should have enough time for explanations and a brief tour before everything is complete."

"Well, I was wondering… exactly what is the Yggdrasil, and how did you all end up here?" At first Shinji had thought the Yggdrasil might be some kind of afterlife for Angels, but there only seemed to be Kaworus in this place. He sure hadn't seen any giant blue octahedrons or zebra-striped spheres flying around.

"The Yggdrasil is the world tree," said Chiefworu, "Although perhaps a more accurate term would be worlds tree, because it supports all of time and space… all realities, all dimensions. For every decision someone makes, there is an alternate universe that follows the choice they didn't take. That's what the branches of the Yggdrasil are… every possible path, every possible reality. That is why the Yggdrasil will never stop growing. Well, as long as the cores remain here to support it, of course." He pointed at one of the miniature Angel cores trapped inside an amber column to show what he meant.

Rangerworu patted Chiefworu on the shoulder. "Bah, the Chief is being too modest! The world tree's continued vigor is mostly thanks to him. He became the heart of the Yggdrasil!"

Misato's eyes widened, but she quickly went back to a neutral expression. It didn't escape Shinji's notice, though, and he wondered what it meant. Was Chiefworu's status as the heart of all existence helping Misato to realize that Kaworu was trustworthy after all? Or was she alarmed at the idea of Angels inhabiting a tree that maintained time and space?

"Once, a group of cores escaped from the tree, putting all of existence into peril," Chiefworu explained, his expression growing distant as he immersed himself in the memory, "I was one of the people who helped to retrieve them. In the end, though, I had to give myself to the Yggdrasil in order to save the Shinji of my timeline." He paused in front of a sculpture that depicted Shinji wearing an unfamiliar school uniform and wielding a gun. Touching the statue's hand with a fond smile, Chiefworu added, "It was quite the adventure. In fact, it would probably make an interesting manga! A long series with multiple volumes, of course. Could you imagine trying to cram the whole tale into only four volumes?"

Everyone just stared at Chiefworu.

"I take back what I said about you being too modest," Rangerworu joked.

"Um, at any rate, after I became part of the Yggdrasil, I came in contact with the souls of other Kaworus who had died in alternate universes," Chiefworu continued, giving the statue one more smile before continuing his walk down the pathway, "I invited the deceased Kaworus to join me here, so we could keep each other company."

Rangerworu nodded. "We basically converted the inside of the tree into a retirement community for dead Kaworus. I was part of the design committee. Do you like it?"

Shinji wasn't comfortable with so casually describing the place as a community for dead Kaworus, but it definitely was an impressive city, and he knew that he should say something. "It's a beautiful place. And the sculptures are… interesting," he said, as they moved past a statue of a cybernetic Shinji bearing a plaque that said RoboShinji, protector of the innocent. "Oh, and this road is really fun," Shinji added, and Lazarus purred as if voicing his agreement. The path they were walking on looked like a long, gigantic piano keyboard. It even made music as they stepped on the keys.

"Thanks," said Rangerworu, "It used to be a road made of candy, but the stuff kept melting and getting stuck to everyone's shoes. Hmph, they never warn you about that in cartoons."

Chiefworu shrugged. "Anyway, as Rangerworu mentioned, at first the Yggdrasil was pretty much just a home for dead Kaworus. However, one of us eventually came up with the idea of establishing a mental link between all Kaworus, including the ones who were still alive."

"But why?" asked Misato.

"To help Shinji find happiness, of course! That is the goal of the TABRIS Project. It was something that every Kaworu wished for every Shinji," said Chiefworu, and the other Kaworus walking with him nodded enthusiastically. "But when it came to achieving that happiness, we tended to have one little problem…"

"…We sucked at it," Rangerworu finished for him.

"Not how I would have worded it, but… yeah," Chiefworu admitted sheepishly, "Although we loved the Lilin, there was still much about them that we did not yet understand. This caused us to make a lot of mistakes along the way, sometimes with serious consequences. To make matters worse, we were constantly outmaneuvered by those who were much better at plotting than we were, namely Seele and Gendo Ikari."

"So by using a mental network that all Kaworus could connect to, we've been able to share our knowledge and experiences," said Rangerworu, "It's a way for the living Kaworus to not repeat the mistakes that were made by the Kaworus of the past, and it's enabled all of us to learn about the Lilin at a more efficient rate. New information is getting added to the network all the time! But we still have a long way to go, of course."

Oh, so was that why Kaworu had been studying things like TV Tropes? So he could collect more knowledge for the other Kaworus? That made sense to Shinji now, but there was still something about these revelations that wasn't quite matching up with what Kaworu had told him before. "So when my Kaworu… um, I mean Woruworu… said that you were all his past lives, that wasn't really accurate? You're actually from alternate universes?"

"Well, yes and no," said Chiefworu, which pretty much dashed Shinji's hopes of getting an answer that would be easy to understand, "Some Kaworus can only die once, and they stay with us in the Yggdrasil after their deaths. However, some Kaworus, including your Woruworu, have the special ability to be reborn, choosing to repeat their lives again and again until they make their Shinjis happy. Basically, some of us are your Woruworu's past lives, and some are not. However, since we are sharing our memories through the mental network, Woruworu tends to regard all of us as his past lives."

Misato groaned. "This is getting way too complicated," she said, "It's like being in a crazy fan fic where the author is just making up crap as they go along."

"Ah. Sorry. Well, I guess the only thing you really need to understand is that we are an organization that seeks to make Shinji happy," Chiefworu said brightly, "We call ourselves the 'Team of Angelic Beings who Revere Ikari Shinji', or TABRIS."

"I was wrong… this is even worse than a crazy fan fic," Misato whispered.

---

"Sir, we've lost contact with the team inside the base," one of the JSSDF soldiers waiting outside Nerv headquarters reported to his commanding officer, "Also… er, it looks like there's a screensaver stuck on my computer."

"Screensaver? What are you talking about?"

"Well, the screen is full of flying toasters, sir," he said, gesturing helplessly at his monitoring equipment, "I can't make the image go away."

"Hey, that's not a screensaver… it's an actual surveillance video of something approaching us!"

"Aaaaaaah!" the soldiers all exclaimed, as an army of flying toasters picked them up and carried them into Nerv headquarters.

It was a situation that seemed quite beyond reasonable explanation, but one soldier felt the need to nitpick anyway. "Hey, these toasters have miniature rocket packs, but the flying toasters in screensavers usually have wings!"

"Sorry, but Aunt Ritsuko didn't want to get sued," one of the toasters replied.

Upon arriving at the locked cafeteria, the doors opened just quickly enough for the flock of flying toasters to swoop in, then slammed shut and locked again as the toasters dropped off their unwilling passengers.

"What the hell is going on here?" the JSSDF commander demanded, trying to sound intimidating even as he landed on a pile of Rei and Asuka plushies. He was secretly relieved to see that the missing soldiers inside Nerv headquarters were still alive, but he was considerably less happy about the fact that they appeared to be sitting around eating waffles and playing with toys of the Eva pilots.

"Um, hello sir," one of the soldiers said sheepishly, "Want to enjoy some waffles and choreography?"

"I don't want to hear excuses! I want to know… er, choreography?"

"I think you're about to find out, sir," said the soldier, as all the appliances in the room began to prance around.

"Merchandising, merchandising…"

---

At last, Shinji and the others arrived at the end of the path, which turned out to be a stone wall framing a wooden door. Carved into the wood was an intricate design featuring a cascade of flowers – irises, judging by their shape – and calligraphy in a language that Shinji did not recognize. The brass doorknob was also shaped like an iris, and Chiefworu turned it to open the door and lead his companions through.

On the other side was a small courtyard with three leafless silver trees in the center. As if to make up for the lack of foliage, the tree on the left had a few bright green emeralds hanging from its branches, the tree in the middle was ornamented with hundreds of yellow topazes, and the tree on the right had several dozen rubies that resembled drops of blood.

"Here is a visual representation of what the TABRIS Project has achieved so far," Chiefworu stated proudly, "The green and yellow gemstones represent our successes, the Shinjis whom we helped to find happiness."

"Why two different colors for the successes?" asked Misato.

"The yellow ones are for universes where Shinji found happiness, but Kaworu had to die or disappear in the process. The green ones are for universes where Shinji is happy and Kaworu is still there with him."

Shinji winced. The amount of green crystals was disturbingly small.

In a more subdued voice, Chiefworu added, "And the red jewels are… um, successes that haven't happened yet."

"In other words, failures," said Rangerworu, shaking his head sadly at Chiefworu's euphemism, "The Kaworus of those universes have been repeating their lives over and over again, trying to help their Shinjis. But the results have been disastrous each time."

"Well, we are going to turn those failures into successes, so that's why I say they're successes that haven't happened yet!" said Chiefworu, putting a comforting arm around Shinji, "Our biggest obstacle has been with the Kaworus who are vessels of Adam, including your Woruworu. Their overpowering Angelic instincts have always led to tragedy. But thanks to the Mars suggestion that you and Rei came up with, we finally have the breakthrough that we need! We have already advised the other Kaworus in those red gem universes that they can fulfill their Angelic instincts on Mars and then safely reunite with their Shinjis. And to help them out, we're going to add the Mars mission to our research projects."

"Research projects?" said Misato.

"I'll let this fellow introduce you to some of those," said Chiefworu, gesturing to one of the Kaworus standing near him.

This Kaworu wore a white lab coat with a nametag that said "Sputnikworu" pinned to the front pocket. He also had a pair of goggles on his head that made him resemble a goldfish.

"In my timeline, I was part of the Russian space program," said Sputnikworu, smiling at Shinji as he blinked his big goldfish eyes, "So when I arrived at the Yggdrasil, I was elected to be the lead scientist for the TABRIS Project. Come on, I'll show you some of the things we've been working on!" With that, he led the group back through the door they had used to enter the courtyard.

To Shinji's surprise, the view that greeted them was not the piano keyboard path they had used before. Instead, they had stepped into a large facility that looked like the result of putting a laboratory, a greenhouse, and an orchestra pit into a blender.

There were colorful potions pouring out of tubas rather than test tubes, red roses growing out of music boxes shaped like Erlenmeyer flasks, and all sorts of other wacky blends of chemistry and botany and music. One wall was covered in vines bearing musical instruments instead of fruit, and Sputnikworu paused to put his ear against a violin hanging from one of these vines. "Hmm, not quite ripe yet," he murmured to himself.

"H-how the hell did we get here?" said Misato, voicing the very thing that Shinji was about to ask.

"Through the door, of course," said Chiefworu, looking puzzled at the question. Turning to the aforementioned doorway, he added, "That will be all for now. Thank you, door."

"You're welcome," said the door, as legs unfolded underneath it. Whistling a cheerful tune, the door walked along the wall until it turned around a corner and disappeared from sight.

Shinji's mouth opened and closed several times without making a sound, until he finally managed to stammer out, "Wh-wh-what?"

"Oh, don't worry. The door is just looking for another wall where it is needed," said Rangerworu, as if that was supposed to make it seem less crazy.

"Um, so what were you saying about research projects?" Misato asked. She took Shinji by the hand and guided him away from the various tables and flowerbeds full of equipment, as if fearing that there might be doomsday devices. Or worse, Chia Pets.

Sputnikworu jingled a little silver bell over a crystal bowl filled with muddy water. After a few seconds of jingling, then jangling, and then some truly bizarre sounds that could only be described as joogidoozling, the dirty water became as clear as the crystal that held it. "Because we love Shinji and we love the Lilin, we want to help repair post-Impact worlds," he said, "Your version of Earth was badly damaged by Second Impact, and there have been new timelines appearing that are even worse, sometimes to the point that their oceans become red and uninhabitable. So we've been looking into ways to improve water and soil quality, and we've also been studying how to increase food production without taking up too much land, which can make all the difference for worlds affected by flooding…"

"This just seems more complicated than it needs to be!" said Misato, wrapping her arms around Shinji and pulling him farther away from the Kaworus, "There's a whole army of you, for crying out loud! When a new timeline starts, why don't you all just swoop in and kick Seele's ass? You could stop Second Impact before it even happens, but you don't. Why is that? Because you have a crazy messiah complex and you're obsessed with rescuing Shinji from the worst situation possible? Is that it?"

"Misato!" Shinji exclaimed, angrily breaking away from her, "That's enough!" As he tried to glare at her, though, the hurt look in Misato's eyes made him forget his indignation. Misato's life was ruined by Seele several times over, Shinji reminded himself, She just wants to protect me. But Kaworu wants to help me, too! What will it take for her to understand that they're really on the same side?

"It's okay, Shinji," Chiefworu said softly, "Major Katsuragi is correct in her statement that preventing Second Impact in all new timelines would be the least traumatic solution. And considering what she witnessed on that horrible day, it is perfectly understandable why she would wish for that more than anyone. However, we are unable to do so."

"But why?" Misato demanded, "Just tell me why!" Her next sentence was uttered in such a choked whisper that Shinji almost didn't hear it: "Why can't you save my father?"

"I am so sorry, Major Katsuragi. Except for communicating information to living Kaworus through the TABRIS network, we cannot directly interfere with timelines that are not our own," said Chiefworu, bowing to her in apology, "To attempt such a feat could tear the fabric of reality – all realities – completely asunder. It nearly happened once, when a Gendo Ikari from another dimension intruded on my Shinji's world. The amount of trouble he caused made the Yggdrasil even more unstable than it already was at the time. I had to become one with the tree in order to prevent the destruction of everything."

"Chiefworu is correct," said Rangerworu, "If we interfered with timelines where we don't belong, it would be like Hideaki Anno and Hideo Kojima writing a story together."

Misato paled. "That would be a devastating amount of mindscrewing."

"Precisely. That amount of 'mindscrewing' would cause the heavens to implode," Sputnikworu said with a shudder. "However, the good news is that we have discovered a loophole: music! For some reason, we can freely sing or play musical instruments in any timeline without negative consequences."

"That's right, you did it yesterday!" said Shinji, nodding, "You came into my world to sing 'Ode to Joy' for Kaworu… I mean, Woruworu."

"Yes, and we are working on methods to use this loophole to help post-Impact worlds. Have you ever heard about the scientific study which determined that playing classical music can help plants to grow?"

"Yeah, we were taught about that in school."

"Well, we have been experimenting with different types of music to see what works best for plants, and it is my pleasure to show you our latest findings." Leading them around the same corner the walking door had taken, Sputnikworu proudly motioned towards a collection of trees laden with the biggest fruits that Shinji had ever seen. Huge apples, pears, oranges, and other vibrant produce covered the treetops in such large quantities that they must have been quite heavy, but the branches remained firm and strong.

"Wow!" Shinji exclaimed, admiring an apple that was larger than his head. Skimming through his mental catalogue of recipes, he began to imagine the kind of feast he could create for Asuka with fruits such as these.

If the drool hanging from Misato's mouth was any indication, she was probably also picturing the kind of dishes Shinji could make.

"So which composer's music led to these results?" Shinji asked, as Lazarus played in a bed of oversized flowers, "Was it Beethoven? Bach? Verdi?"

In response, Sputnikworu picked up a tiny music box covered in jewels and gold filigree, opening the lid to reveal a delicate-looking mechanical nightingale. The little automaton opened its miniature beak and unleashed a series of startlingly deep, monstrous growls that snarled out just about every synonym for death and pain imaginable, along with such aggressive drumming and rapid guitar sounds that it was a miracle the music box didn't shatter. Lazarus enthusiastically yowled along to the song, while the Kaworus all began headbanging and holding their hands up in the "sign of the horns" gesture. Shinji raised his hands as well, although it was to cover his aching ears.

"Death metal?" Misato exclaimed, shutting the lid of the music box so that her voice could be heard, "The best music for making plants grow is death metal?!"

"Yes, we were surprised as well," Sputnikworu said with a shrug and a smile, "It turns out that music about death and destruction makes the plants realize that their assistance is needed, so the quality and quantity of the food they produce increases dramatically."

"That's crazy," said Misato, "I mean, I'm not complaining about the results, but… that just sounds really difficult to believe."

"Is it, though?' said Chiefworu. He petted the branch of a pear tree as if to thank it for a job well done, and the branch curled affectionately around his fingers. "Lilith loved her children, so of course she wanted measures in place to take care of them. And we will do our best to help the Lilin as well."

---

Swooping down from the sky in a circular formation, the nine Mass Production Evangelions prepared to make their dramatic appearance above Nerv headquarters… only to find that the JSSDF soldiers hadn't blown away the remains of Tokyo-3 like they were supposed to, so the abandoned city was still covering the underground base. Great. Now what? The MP Evas changed their formation into the shape of a question mark as they flew over the ruins in confusion.

What were they supposed to do? It was difficult to strategize when their overwhelming thoughts were pain and emptiness. Yes, an emptiness that desperately needed to be filled… hunger. Yes, that had to be it.

Just as the baffled Evas were about to reach the lake created by the self-destruction of Unit-00, something else caught their attention. It looked shiny and red and yummy. Forgetting all about the lake and the strange kazoo sounds coming from its shore, the MP Evas swooped towards the scarlet morsel instead, which turned about to be the leg of an Evangelion. Judging from the paint job, it was probably a spare part for Unit-02. Like a pack of ravenous wild beasts, the Mass Production Evas viciously tore the special treat apart with their teeth, snapping the armor plating to reach the succulent organic bits inside. But one leg was much too small for satisfying nine MP Evas, and it wasn't long before they were howling for more.

Sniffing around, they found another spare part a short distance away. This time, it was an arm. Making a quick snack of the red limb, they soon found another part, then another, following the trail of tasty scraps farther and farther away from the lakeshore. At last, they reached a hole that someone had blasted into the ground, with a sign placed at its edge. The sign had an arrow pointing downwards, along with big bold letters that said:

Delicious Evangelion Unit-02 down here! Come and get it!

Ah, so there was a hole leading down to Nerv headquarters after all. It was only big enough for the MP Evas to enter in single file, thus preventing the spectacular entrance that had been initially planned… but if there was a scrumptious Unit-02 waiting to be eaten, then that was far more important!

---

"Okay, looks like they took the bait. Here they come," said Asuka, as she glanced up and saw the Mass Production Evangelions dropping one by one through the hole that the First Child had created with her powers. Asuka gripped her Eva's controls in anticipation. "Ready, Mama?"

Ready, Asuka!, Mama's voice replied.

The MP Evas were also ready. Drifting like a series of bone-white apparitions, they descended towards Unit-02, circling her in a manner akin to vultures eyeing their next meal. That is, if eyeless Evangelions could be considered capable of "eyeing" anything. Landing in a ring formation around Asuka's Eva, the nightmarish creations of Seele smacked their lips and growled hungrily, eager to feast upon the juicy Evangelion-sized red lobster that stood before them.

Asuka would have found this a frightening sight, except for three things:

1. This was Seele's Eva Series, and she was eager to stick it to the crazy cult that had hurt and killed so many people.

2. She was the great Asuka Langley Soryu, pilot extraordinaire, plus Mama was watching over her and protecting her with an A.T. Field. There was no way she could lose!

3. The Mass Production Evas were wearing red lipstick. Really, really gaudy red lipstick.

"Ha ha! That has got to be… ha ha ha… the worst makeup application I've ever seen! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Asuka's laughter burst forth from her Eva's external speakers, and Mama must have been equally amused, because Unit-02 began to roll around on the ground as Asuka continued to laugh.

"Careful, Soryu," the First Child called out from where she stood on Unit-02's umbilical cable. The color of her plugsuit made her resemble a little white mouse perched upon a gigantic snake. "Remember, Kaworu said those Evangelions are dangerous. Maybe there is a reason why they were created with those lips."

"Or maybe it's Maybelline," Asuka snickered. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the First Child's stoic features beginning to melt into a tentative smile. "Come on, if you don't want to be the Commander's doll anymore, then just laugh!" said Asuka, "You did a great job making a joke back at Ritsuko's cell, so don't stop now! Those Seele guys have all kinds of power and resources… and yet this is the best look they could come up with? What kind of beauty school do you think their makeup artist graduated from?"

"Clown college, perhaps?" said the First. She began to giggle softly, her cheeks turning slightly pink as she did so.

"Heh! There's hope for you after all, First," said Asuka, making her Eva nod in a show of approval, "When this is done, I'm gonna show you all the fun stuff you've been missing, like ice cream and video games! Oh, and I'll definitely have to teach you how to apply makeup properly, not like these Ronald McDonald rejects." As she said that last part, she pounced on a Mass Production Eva that had suddenly lunged at her. Grabbing her opponent's head, she pulled at its garish lower lip and then suddenly let go, causing the rubbery lip to snap its owner in the face.

"But why?" said the First, casually hanging onto Unit-02's cable with surprisingly little effort despite Asuka's tussle with the MP Eva, "I thought that you disliked me."

Because I was wrong about you. "Because I was… well, not wrong, because the great Asuka Langley Soryu is never wrong… but I was, um, working with erroneous information about you," said Asuka. Another MP Eva charged towards her, but she casually stuck out Unit-02's leg and tripped the interloper, sending the Seele Eva tumbling into the GeoFront's artificial lake with an enormous splash. "I thought you were the Commander's favorite, but you were actually a victim of this whole conspiracy mess, too. We're all in this together. Look, I don't dislike you, okay? I dislike dolls. If you no longer want to be the Commander's doll, then we've got no issues, all right?"

"I see," said the First. A snarling MP Eva dove towards Unit-02's power cable, opening its mouth wide. But before its jaws could graze the precious cable, the First unceremoniously flicked her wrist, summoning an A.T. Field that slammed into the enemy Eva and broke its teeth. "So you wish to try being friends again, because our similar circumstances would make it… convenient?"

Oh, right. Asuka had almost forgotten that on the day she'd met the First Child, she had declared they should be friends because it would be convenient. "Hell, no! Never mind what I said back then. Being friends with you wouldn't be convenient at all!" Asuka said with such conviction that the First looked completely startled. "My life would be much simpler if I only befriended normal people like Hikari, and stayed far away from clueless oddballs like you and Stupid Shinji and Special K! But you know what? That doesn't matter. We Eva pilots can understand each other's suffering on a level that regular people can't, no matter how awkward our differences are. And that's important. I want to help you because you're worth it, not because you're a convenient tool to keep around!"

"You think that I am worth it?" said the First, looking hopelessly bewildered. Was it because she hadn't heard those words enough in her lifetime, or was it simply disbelief that Asuka of all people was saying that to her? Probably both, actually.

"Get a clue, Blue! Remember what happened when we freed Ritsuko from her cell? You made a joke, and Stupid Shinji looked so happy because of it. It made me realize that he wants more than for us to survive… he wants us to live. To enjoy life! And we already know that the key to helping Stupid Shinji is that we all have to work together… Special K tried going it alone so many times, and look at how well that turned out! So if we want to support Stupid Shinji, then we also have to support each other," said Asuka. Yet another of the enemy Evas tried to leap at her, so she quickly stepped to the side and let her foe crash headfirst into the ground. "Stupid Shinji cares about you and thinks that you're worth it, so… so that means that you're worth it to me, too. In other words, let me teach you how to have fun, damn it!"

"Understood. Thank you, Soryu," said the First, looking up at Unit-02's eyes to give Asuka a small smile, "If you are to instruct me in these lessons of fun, then is there something I can do for you in return?" A Mass Production Eva launched itself at the umbilical cable, and the First summoned her A.T. Field once more, using it to bounce her opponent into the air a few times as if she were flipping a pancake.

Asuka was going to say that there wasn't anything she needed from the First in return, but the words melted away on her tongue before she could voice them. No wait, that was just the ever-present LCL messing with her taste buds again. Yuck. Either way, she realized that there was something she could ask for. "Maybe you could help me to get better at reading and writing kanji? Special K is so clueless and so lost wherever he goes, but at least he tries really hard to learn about 'Lilin culture'. Ever since I've arrived in Japan, I've repeatedly complained about how the culture is too different, and how kanji is too complicated. I can't let Special K look better than me!" Besides, Shinji went through the trouble of learning how to cook all those German dishes so he can give me a special feast later. Well, I'll show him that he's not the only one who can do stuff like that! I'm going to write him a thank-you letter, and I'll write it in perfect Japanese. Yeah!

"Your proposal is acceptable," said the First, "So wh-"

Whatever the First was going to say next was interrupted as the entire group of MP Evas let out a bloodcurdling yowl, creating vibrations that shook the LCL in Asuka's lungs. Ick.

"Well," Asuka coughed, "It looks like our guests aren't happy that we haven't been taking them seriously." She cracked her knuckles, and Unit-02 followed suit. "Fine, then. Let's show them what we've got!"

---

To Lazarus, flowerbeds were a great place to play, and Shinji's arms were a great place to sleep. So after playtime, the little kitten had returned to Shinji for naptime.

"There's one thing I'm confused about," said Shinji, looking down at the adorable kitty dozing in his arms, "What about Lazarus? If you Kaworus can't directly interfere with other timelines except for making music, then why didn't it cause a problem when one of you gave me a resurrected kitten from a previous timeline?"

"Because he's a kitten, of course!" said Rangerworu.

When no further explanation seemed to be coming, Misato prompted, "And…?"

"Haven't you ever noticed that cats can get themselves into all kinds of places, no matter how small or how high, or even if there's a closed door in the way? A feline's mastery over time and space is truly a force to be reckoned with!" said Chiefworu, sounding a little envious, "Because of this, cats can go anywhere – or anywhen – without endangering reality. For example, in my timeline the Angel known as Gaghiel did not have to return to the Yggdrasil because his host body was a kitten."

Maybe Chiefworu's tale really should be made into a manga, so I can read it, Shinji thought, Because right now, I'm just confused. Out loud, he added, "Hey, where is the Kaworu who gave Lazarus to me, anyway? I don't think I've seen him here yet."

"We call him Babyworu," said Sputnikworu, adjusting his goggles as he checked something on a computer monitor, "He's still running tests in his room."

Misato tilted her head questioningly at the odd nickname. "Babyworu?"

"Yes, we named him that because after Seele released him from his LCL tube, he only lived for nine days," Chiefworu said sadly, "Poor guy."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "Nine days?!" Sure, Kaworus seemed to die young most of the time, but that young? That was just too cruel! Had Shinji been responsible for that particular Kaworu's death as well? It was a sickening thought.

"It's okay, Shinji," said Chiefworu, rubbing Shinji's back soothingly, "Babyworu is happy here. And he's very grateful that you agreed to take care of Lazarus."

"You should go see him!" Sputnikworu said enthusiastically, "I'm sure he'll like that. The rest of us are nearly finished preparing for the TABRIS Project, so you can let Babyworu know that we're almost ready for him. In fact, Sailorworu is doing maintenance near his room, so could you please fetch the both of them for us?"

"Sure, I could do that!" said Shinji. Although he had enjoyed his time at the Kaworus' amazing headquarters, he was glad to hear that arrangements for the TABRIS Project were just about complete. After all, Asuka, Rei, and the others were putting themselves at risk to stall Seele's forces for this. "Um, where do I find Sailorworu and Babyworu?" Did he need to track down that walking door and go through it again?

"You can use that," said Rangerworu, pointing towards a trapdoor in a corner of the laboratory floor.

The trapdoor was round and appeared to be made out of some kind of rubbery material, and in its center was a metal ring for pulling it open. As Shinji walked closer to it, with Misato right beside him, he couldn't help but think that the strange hatch looked like an oversized bathtub stopper.

Misato must have had a similar thought, because as she knelt down and pulled the trapdoor open, she said, "Heh, where's the rubber duckie?"

The comparison turned out to be more accurate than either of them would have liked, though, for everything suddenly became a rapid blur of swirling and whirling, with Shinji and Misato both crying out in dismay as they were sucked through the opening like water going down a drain.

When existence managed to un-whirl itself (and Shinji's guts managed to untangle themselves), he found himself standing in a cavern full of trees, and a river flowing through it with water white as milk. To Shinji's relief as well as disbelief, Lazarus had managed to sleep through the crazy trip, and was continuing to nap peacefully in his arms.

The same could not be said for Misato, though, as she swayed dizzily while holding one hand against her forehead. "I am so glad that's over," she groaned.

"So am I," said the oversized bathtub stopper, which was still clutched in her other hand. It jumped out of her grasp and rolled to the riverbank, where it hopped into the milky waters and let the current carry it out of sight.

"Surprisingly, that's actually the least weird thing that's happened today," said Misato.

"Perhaps. Or perhaps you've started to get used to how things work around here?" said a voice. Stepping out from behind a tree, the speaker revealed himself to be a stunningly beautiful Kaworu with honey-colored hair, wearing a dark blue sailor outfit.

Unsurprisingly, his nametag said "Sailorworu". Shinji recognized him as the member of the Kaworu choir who could transform into a more Angel-like appearance, which included strange markings on his face and a visible core on his torso. But as far as Shinji was concerned, Kaworu was Kaworu, no matter what he looked like.

"Hello," Shinji greeted him, "It's good to see you again."

"It's always a joy to see you, Shinji," said Sailorworu with a dazzling smile that made Shinji's cheeks grow warm. Then it was Sailorworu's turn to blush as he added, "By the way, thanks for your kind words yesterday, when you said that you weren't creeped out by my Angel form. That… that meant a lot to me." The golden-haired boy then held up a jar containing sparkly little dots that flashed and moved around in a way that was rather reminiscent of fireflies. "Pardon me for a moment. I was just replacing the light bulbs in here." He opened the jar, freeing the specks of light. They rose to the ceiling of the cavern, shining and twinkling.

With Shinji's knowledge of astronomy, it was easy for him to recognize that the "light bulbs" were replicating the shapes of constellations, including his favorites: Aquila the eagle, carrying the thunderbolts of Zeus… Lyra, instrument of the musician Orpheus… Cygnus the swan, with his outstretched wings…

"Are you here to see Babyworu?" asked Sailorworu, interrupting Shinji's contemplation of the lights, "His room is right across the river."

Shinji looked around for signs of a bridge, or even another cow-spotted boat, but there was nothing like that in sight. "Oh. Um, I can't swim."

"Don't worry," Sailorworu said cheerfully, "I won't let you sink this time!"

"…this time?" said Shinji, unable to suppress a cringe. Sailorworu must have been referring to an event from a past life, but Shinji wasn't sure if he really wanted to press for more details.

Reaching into a hollow tree and pulling out a pillow, Sailorworu tore the cushion open, causing a torrent of feathers to come rushing out. The feathers, far more numerous than what should have fit inside that little pillowcase, flew in a perfect arc stretching from one riverbank to the other, creating a bridge that looked like a giant wing.

"After you," said Sailorworu with a bow, "Babyworu will be thrilled to see you, I'm sure."

Shinji tentatively placed one foot onto the bridge, and was relieved to find that the feathery creation was completely sturdy. His steps became more confident as he walked across, with Sailorworu and Misato following him. On the other shore was an archway cut into the cavern wall, covered with a curtain made of leaves. Sailorworu nudged the veil of greenery aside to let them all into Babyworu's chamber.

The room turned out to be surprisingly small and modest compared to the grandeur seen in the rest of the Yggdrasil, but there were still a few decorations and personal touches, including a photo of Shinji (with black hair and brown eyes?!) in a gold picture frame sitting on the dresser, and a bouquet of flowers giving off a slightly citrusy scent that identified them as orange blossoms.

On one wall was a large bulletin board that had the title banner "Things I've learned" at the top, and numerous notes and pictures stuck below this title. The very first one was a handwritten note that said "Don't hurt kittens. Always be gentle with them."

Below that note was a page torn out of a dictionary, with the definition of the word "pervert" highlighted in orange. A rough drawing of a door to a women's washroom had been pinned below this highlighted definition, along with the handwritten note "That means don't go in here."

On and on the series of pictures and notes continued, mostly pages torn out of various books with certain passages highlighted in bright colors. Then at very end of the board was a final handwritten note that said "Oh, and stop vandalizing books. Oops."

But the most interesting feature of the room was a large nest in the center. It was made from fluffy white pillows mixed with balls of yarn in different colors, creating the impression of a bed constructed from clouds and rainbows.

There was a Kaworu curled up inside the nest, sleeping peacefully. He was wearing orange tabby-striped onesie pajamas that had a cat-eared hood and a tail. The hood was not pulled over his head, though: instead, he was wearing a modified interface headset that looked even more like cat ears than the ones that Eva pilots usually wore. His hair was such a bright silver color that it almost seemed white, and Shinji recognized that he was indeed the Kaworu who had given him Lazarus. A nametag that said "Babyworu" was clipped to the front of his kitty pajamas. There were a few kittens sleeping in the nest as well, curled up next to Babyworu as if he were their mother.

"During his spare time, Babyworu rescues stray kittens from various timelines and nurses them back to health until he can find people to adopt them," Sailorworu explained in a whisper.

As if realizing that kittens were being discussed, Lazarus woke up and meowed a greeting at Sailorworu.

The blond Angel petted Lazarus on the head before reaching down into the nest and carefully removing Babyworu's headset. "Wake up, Baby. How's the test going?"

With a yawn and stretch that added to his catlike appearance, Babyworu sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Very strong connection, and it meets all of our safety standards, so it should be okay for… SHINJI!" The last part was let out as a surprised yelp, as Babyworu suddenly realized that Shinji was standing right there. Leaping out of his nest and snatching the headset back from Sailorworu, he ran into an adjacent bathroom and slammed the door shut. Moments later, the sounds of vigorous tooth brushing could be heard.

"Babyworu, we've been through this before," said Sailorworu, knocking on the bathroom door, "You died a long time ago. You don't get morning breath anymore."

"But people who don't brush their teeth are considered… weird by Lilin standards, right?" Babyworu's voice called out from the other side of the door. From the way he said weird, it was pretty clear that he was worried about coming across as such.

Several scrubbing and crashing noises later, Babyworu stumbled out of the bathroom, now clad in fresh pajamas. They were nearly identical to the previous outfit, except for the coloration which was white with black and orange splotches. A calico, then? Shinji vaguely recalled reading someplace that it was very rare for a calico cat to be male. But as far as Shinji was concerned, that suited Babyworu really well, because every Kaworu was truly special.

As Babyworu hastily clipped his nametag to the front of his new attire, Shinji noticed that he was also wearing the catlike interface headset again. Much to Shinji's surprise, the "ears" actually moved like a real cat's ears, pointing straight up to indicate excitement.

"Hi, Shinji!" said Babyworu, bouncing up and down in a way that almost reminded Shinji of an eager puppy more than a cat, "I've learned a lot from the other Kaworus over the years, so I'm less weird now!"

You know you're having an interesting day when a guy dressed like a cat is saying that he's gotten less weird.

But gosh, it sure was adorable.

"I don't think you're weird," Shinji said, trying his best to sound reassuring, "There's nothing wrong with being different." He wasn't sure why Babyworu was so concerned about not seeming weird to Shinji, but he didn't want the Angel to stress over something like that. Maybe changing the subject would help? Shinji held up the kitten in his arms. "Hey look, I've been taking care of the cat, just like I promised! We named him-"

"Lazarus, I know," said Babyworu, calming down as he smiled at the little feline, "He looks healthier already. Thank you, Shinji."

"Meow!" Lazarus said excitedly, leaping from Shinji's arms and landing on Babyworu's shoulder.

Babyworu's eyes widened. "What? N-no, you shouldn't be touching me. Go back to Shinji."

"Meow, meow!"

"No, that's not true! I don't deserve it!" said Babyworu, shaking his head vigorously, "I'm… I'm the one who killed you…"

"Meow," said Lazarus, rubbing against Babyworu's cheek.

"You forgive me? But…"

"Babyworu, it's okay," Sailorworu said gently, "Lazarus understands that you were trying to help him when you did that. He knows you're not a bad person."

"Meow! Meow, meow."

"I see. Thank you," Babyworu whispered, as the kitten rubbed against his face one more time before leaping back into Shinji's arms. Turning to look at Misato, the pajama-clad Angel added, "But this isn't why you're all here, is it?"

"We were sent here to let you know that the other Kaworus are almost ready for this TABRIS Project thing," said Misato, "And my other pilots are battling against Seele's forces, so we have to hurry."

"In that case, let's rejoin the group right away," said Babyworu, hopping back into his nest, "Climb aboard, everyone!"

By this point, Shinji and Misato had grown accustomed to expecting the unexpected in the Yggdrasil, so without question they clambered into the nest, followed by Sailorworu.

"Wow, this is really comfortable," said Misato, leaning against the pillows and yarn.

Not content with merely leaning, Lazarus rolled around the nest, waking up the other kittens so they could play together.

"Here we go!" said Babyworu, as the nest began to vibrate.

"Oh, it's that kind of bed," Misato giggled, "I've always wanted to try one of these…"

Shinji wasn't sure if he wanted to know what she meant by that.

The ceiling to Babyworu's room slid aside like a sun roof on an automobile, and the nest rose straight up into the air, flying through the newly-created opening. They glided over a hedge maze that was shaped like a gigantic portrait of Shinji, before coming to a soft landing beside a cerulean blue lake. The shore was covered in miniature piano keyboards and empty fishing nets, except for one net which was still full of piano keys. Chiefworu and the other Kaworus were pouring the keys out of that final net, their hands moving in a rapid blur as they assembled the pieces into more piano keyboards.

"As Chiefworu probably told you, one of our greatest challenges has been figuring out what to do about Kaworus who are vessels of Adam," said Sailorworu, as he led Shinji and the others towards Chiefworu's group, "But thanks to your Mars idea, we finally know how to overcome that issue. The other main obstacle, of course, has been Seele. We have spent many lifetimes trying to gather all the information we needed to deal with them."

"What kind of information?" asked Misato.

"The prophecies in the Secret Dead Sea Scrolls, written by the First Ancestral Race that created both Adam and Lilith, are the primary source of our opponents' knowledge," Babyworu chimed in, "Just obtaining the full text of the Scrolls took us a long time, because Seele kept their documents so carefully guarded. After that, we had to analyze all of it to see if there was anything useful that the old men had missed… and there was!"

By this point, they had reached Chiefworu's group, so Sailorworu and Babyworu promptly joined in the task of building tiny piano keyboards. The other Kaworus nodded at them in greeting, but did not stop working. Shinji wished that he and Misato could help as well, but neither of them knew anything about proper keyboard construction.

"So what was the useful thing that Seele had missed?" asked Misato, as she watched Babyworu's fingers deftly connecting the keys.

"We figured out that there were hidden messages in the Scrolls," said Babyworu, as his fingers moved faster and faster, "Unlike the Dead Sea Scrolls that have been released to the public, the Secret Dead Sea Scrolls were written in Angelic Script. The old men figured out how to decipher Angelic Script, but what they didn't realize is that the strokes used to write the letters were sometimes made up of many tiny letters joined together… letters so tiny that they wouldn't be noticed without a magnification tool."

"Or an Angel's sharper eyesight," said Sailorworu with a grin, pausing in his work just long enough to give Babyworu a high-five, "The concealed messages hinted at the existence of a special weapon called the Ihsadat. If we can find it, we can thwart Seele once and for all. We also know that the Adam statue is somehow supposed to help the Ihsadat to function, which is why Woruworu is trying to repair that sculpture right now."

Misato had a gleam in her eye that made it pretty clear she'd love the chance to take a shot at Seele. "What does this weapon do, exactly?"

"According to the Scrolls, the Ihsadat can spread hope wherever it goes!" said Babyworu, beaming enthusiastically.

Shinji and Misato waited for him to elaborate, but no further explanation came forth.

Misato sighed. "It spreads hope? That's not exactly much to go on," she said with a frown, "Unless it plays a Stan Bush song while someone says 'Light our darkest hour,' I'm not impressed."

"Seele's reign is based on despair… which is kind of weird, since their Mass Production Evas are always smiling," said Chiefworu, joining in the conversation, "The reason why the men of Seele are so powerful is because they have convinced their agents throughout the world that there is no hope left for humanity, and that Instrumentality is the Lilin's only option to evolve and survive. And for those who oppose Seele, it can be difficult to hold on to hope when their adversary is so widespread and strong. Doesn't it make sense, then, that a weapon which spreads hope would make all the difference?"

Misato's frown deepened. "But how are you planning on locating this Ihsadat thing, especially when we don't have much time?"

"The hidden instructions said there was one last message in the Scrolls that would let us find the Ihsadat right away," Chiefworu replied earnestly, "However, we couldn't figure out where this message was! But then we finally made a major discovery yesterday, when Shinji told Woruworu that Lilin cannot see the color rueoc. The Scrolls have some elaborate designs in rueoc ink that we had always assumed were just there for decoration, but once we realized that the old men of Seele wouldn't have been able to see those embellishments at all, we gave them a closer look. The 'designs' are actually a different Angel language!"

Sailorworu looked rather abashed. "Yeah, the public Dead Sea Scrolls were written in more than one Lilin language, so it was pretty arrogant of us to assume that the Secret Scrolls would use only one Angel language. Translating this unfamiliar script would take time, though, even with the combined abilities of every Kaworu through the TABRIS network. So we could really use Shinji's help to speed up the process."

"Me?" said Shinji, flabbergasted, "But I don't know anything about ancient Angel languages!" I have enough trouble with the Lilin languages, he thought, remembering his disastrous attempt at using German when piloting Unit-02 with Asuka. Why hadn't the Kaworus asked for someone smarter and more special, like Asuka or Rei? He sighed, expecting the Kaworus to look disappointed in him.

But no, Babyworu's response was a warm smile. Turning to Misato, he said, "Major Katsuragi, what enables the pilots to move their Evas?"

Misato looked surprised at the seemingly unrelated question, but answered anyway. "Um… well, Ritsuko often mentions something about connecting to the A10 nerve."

"Yes, and it is through the A10 nerve that certain feelings are processed, including those pertaining to love," said Chiefworu, giving Shinji a smile that mirrored Babyworu's. "Shinji, imagine the power if all the Kaworus were to synchronize with you, a friend we love so dearly! It would give the TABRIS network the boost it needs to decode the message faster, so we'd be able to find the Ihsadat to give the Lilin the hope they require. And if we were to combine that with our research for helping post-Impact worlds, plus your idea of sending all Adam-based Kaworus to Mars, we would finally succeed in helping every Shinji to find happiness. The TABRIS Project would be completed at last!"

As if Chiefworu had perfectly timed that proclamation, the other Kaworus finished assembling all the piano keys and let out a mighty cheer.

"I'll do it!" Shinji said, delighted at the prospect of being helpful to the Kaworus after all.

Misato still appeared considerably less excited. "Look, I'm just not so sure that…" But whatever she was going to say next was cut off as her cell phone suddenly emitted an alarm that sounded like the ring of a cash register. "Aw geez," said Misato, rolling her eyes, "Is it time for that again?"

---

Walking through the ruins of Tokyo-3, Gendo followed the sounds of a kazoo playing the song "Beautiful World" until he reached the lakeshore. Hiding behind some rubble, he observed his target: Kaworu Nagisa, the Seventeenth Angel and the final obstacle to achieving Instrumentality. Nagisa was sitting atop the statue of Adam, which had been restored to its former glory. The sculpture now had a head with a long mane of beautiful hair, and the face covered with a birdlike mask that resembled the visage of the Third Angel.

"There, all done," Nagisa said to himself with a satisfied smile, as he put the kazoo back into his pocket. "But I used a lot of Angelic power to do that, so I should…" He picked up a pepper shaker that had been resting next to him, and sniffed at its contents. "Achoo!"

The Angel sneezed out a fish, which sailed through the air and landed in the conveniently-located lake right below.

He then proceeded to sniff the pepper a few more times. "Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!"

The Angel sneezed out a swarm of hornets. The insects flew off to build a nest somewhere, leaving Nagisa to hop up and down while clutching at his nose and exclaiming "Ow, ow, ow!"

Gendo suppressed the urge to snort derisively. This little clown was his final obstacle?

"Ah well, this is worth the pain, if it keeps the Lilin safe," Nagisa murmured. As he sat down again, the Angel turned towards Gendo's hiding place and blinked a few times. "Who's there?" he asked.

So, just like Rei, this Angel knew when he was being watched.

Without bothering to say anything in response, Gendo removed the glove from his right hand and dashed out from behind the rubble. He aimed his palm at Nagisa, and tendrils of orange energy snaked out from the Adam embryo fused there, racing eagerly towards the Seventeenth Angel.

"Mother?" said Nagisa, frozen in place like a deer caught in headlights as he stared at the Adam embryo.

Seemingly elated by the lack of resistance, the tendrils moved faster and faster, wrapping themselves around the Angel until he was practically cocooned in them. It was only when they tried to pull him off the statue that the boy finally seemed to comprehend his predicament. Nagisa's A.T. Field flared into view, and the concentric orange octagons quickly severed the projections of Adam's power that had ensnared him.

As if recognizing its new master, the collapsing cocoon rolled itself into a glowing ball at Nagisa's feet, which the Angel then picked up and hurled in Gendo's direction.

With a self-assured grin, Gendo raised his hand to protect himself using an A.T. Field, only to find that he hadn't been Nagisa's true target. Instead, the nearby rubble was blasted into dust, creating a thick cloud that made it impossible to see where the Angel was.

It was a clever trick. But not clever enough. Gendo's right arm pulsed as he focused his will into Adam's power once more, and his feet left the ground as he flew high above the dust cloud, firing a powerful energy burst towards Nagisa the instant he spotted the meddlesome Angel.

Nagisa looked startled, clearly not expecting to see Gendo fly, but he still had enough presence of mind to deflect the attack and then take to the sky in pursuit of his opponent. "What have you done?" Nagisa cried. His eyes were wide with fright, but seemingly not for himself. Fear for Gendo, then? How amusing. "Simply having the Adam embryo on your palm shouldn't be enough to grant the ability of flight!" the Angel continued frantically, "How far has the contamination spread?"

As if Adam herself wanted to answer the child's question, Gendo's arm pulsed again, rather painfully this time. His sleeve rippled, as if restless serpents dwelled underneath, and the feeling slithered upwards as the blood vessels on the side of his neck widened to allow more power to flow through them. Gendo's right eye tingled with a sensation akin to a small fire dancing within it, and soon flames were also dancing on the outside as he used his expanding power to set part of the sky ablaze, trapping Nagisa in the airborne inferno.

"Stop this!" Nagisa shouted, a command seemingly aimed at the lake as well as Gendo, for a column of water shot straight up into the air and then spiraled outwards like the multiple arms of a galaxy, extinguishing the flames. The resulting clouds of steam encircled the Angel, giving him an almost otherworldly appearance as he proclaimed, "Adam is a Seed of Life. It is foolish to think that you can use her in such a manner without consequences! If her contamination continues to develop throughout your body, you will not be able to control her. She will consume you!"

Gendo's only reply was to summon even more fire to attack the Angel. Once he successfully commenced Instrumentality, whatever happened to his body would no longer matter, for crude flesh would be a thing of the past. His soul and Shinji's soul would be reunited with Yui, and they would be a family again. Forever.

The battle raged on, with so many explosions and orange octagons being flung back and forth across the sky that it seemed as if the gods were at war… or as if a fireworks factory had been hijacked by a crazed mathematician. And it was completely unnecessary. Gendo did not yet have access to Adam's full power, so Nagisa should have been able to defeat him in an instant. But as predicted, the foolish Angel was holding back, doubtlessly because he did not want to harm the father of his precious friend Shinji. Yes, the fight had confirmed Gendo's expectations. This was perfect.

The explosions came to a halt when Gendo's cell phone suddenly made a cash register sound. "Time for that again?" he said, pulling on his right glove to cover the Adam embryo.

No matter. It would not stop him from reaching his goal. Nothing could stop him now.

---

"Time for this again?" said Ritsuko, as a can of UCC Coffee suddenly appeared in her hand and Misato materialized out of thin air next to her, also holding a can of coffee.

"Well, Nerv racks up an awful lot of expenses, so we need to raise funds somehow," said Maya, posing with her own can of coffee as camera flashes lit up the van's interior, "Besides, it's nice to see that they want pictures of us once in a while, instead of just the pilots all the time. There really aren't enough ads featuring you, Ma'am… I've been having trouble finding more pictures of you to put on my bedroom ceiling."

Ritsuko sighed. "Yeah, I guess we have to… wait, you're putting what on your bedroom ceiling?"

"Er… oh look, the camera is ready again!" Maya said quickly, striking another pose.

In between camera flashes, Misato turned to Ritsuko and whispered, "By the way, the Kaworu choir's brilliant plan is to translate an alien message that will allow us to find some obscure weapon. We don't know what it is, or how it works, except that it's called the Ihsadat and it spreads hope. Oh, and that headless Adam statue is somehow involved."

"What? Misato, that's the most ridiculous plan I've ever heard!" Ritsuko exclaimed, "Putting all our hopes on something so vague isn't brilliant; it's suicide! I don't even need the Magi to tell me that the odds of this plan succeeding are practically nil!"

Misato beamed. "Perfect! Thanks, Ritsuko!"

---

Sitting together on the lakeshore near the Adam statue, Gendo and Nagisa sipped at their cans of UCC Coffee, watching the water sparkle from the light of so many camera flashes.

"Rough week?" the Angel asked him, posing for the cameras as he did so.

"Definitely," Gendo grunted, rubbing at his stiff neck. Damn stress. "Seele wouldn't stop demanding answers, I was surrounded by incompetent employees, and to top it all off, Rei used a Taser on me!"

"She did that to save you," said Nagisa, looking at the glinting lake water with a sad expression, "She does not wish to see you destroy yourself. And neither do I."

Gendo took another sip of coffee to hide his smile.

---

When Misato suddenly reappeared back inside the Yggdrasil, all the Kaworus were so surprised that they jumped back.

"Clearly, we have underestimated the power of UCC Coffee," said Chiefworu.

Misato grinned at Shinji and the Kaworus, giving them a thumbs-up. "Okay, you guys have won me over. I think this plan is going to work!"

"Really?" said Shinji, blinking in confusion, "What changed your mind?"

"Ritsuko told me that the plan couldn't possibly succeed!" Misato said gleefully. She clapped her hands together in delight.

Shinji looked helplessly at the Kaworus, but they didn't seem to get it, either. "Uh, Misato, I don't see how that would change your mind."

"Whenever I come up with a crazy battle plan, Ritsuko says that it won't work and the odds are completely against it… and then the plan succeeds!" said Misato, nearly jumping up and down in her enthusiasm, "So now that Ritsuko says this mission is ridiculous and doomed to failure, that means we're good to go!"

---

Still fighting in the GeoFront, Asuka grunted as an MP Eva slammed into her. That grunt quickly turned to a groan, as several cans of UCC Coffee suddenly appeared inside her entry plug, floating around in the LCL. She liked modeling for advertisements, but boy did they have bad timing! With a resigned sigh, she grabbed a can of coffee with one hand while still working her Eva's controls with the other hand.

"This is for the victims of Second Impact!" she shouted, as Unit-02 leapt onto the nearest Mass Production Eva and smashed its skull open like a watermelon. The resulting red stuff that spurted out certainly made her think of a watermelon, at any rate. Raising the bloodied MP Eva above her head, Asuka twisted its body until the torso split open. More of the red liquid emerged, pouring down onto Unit-02 and anointing her as the victor. And there were still many more victories to be had on this day.

"This is for the people who lost their homes in the flooding and wars that came after Second Impact!" she said, slamming another Seele Eva into the artificial lake and then stabbing her target in the head with her Progressive Knife. The blade broke off, but a quick press from Unit-02's thumb sent a new blade extending from the handle. "This is for Mama!" she exclaimed, using her Prog Knife's new blade to slice through the next MP Eva's arm, relishing the satisfying crash as the severed limb hit the ground. She continued stabbing at the one-armed Eva until her Prog Knife shattered completely.

Meanwhile, the First Child ran back and forth along Unit-02's umbilical cable, holding up an A.T Field like an oversized umbrella as she repelled the ferocious harpies from the red Evangelion's power source.

"This is for Kaji!" Asuka continued, snapping the neck of the MP Eva she was currently tussling with. Letting go of its now limp body, she picked up her fallen foe's weapon, a large double-bladed sword. Using her new acquisition to attack the other Mass Production Evas, she shouted at them with each strike she made. "This is for Suzuhara! Yeah, Suzuhara is a moron, but he still didn't deserve to be dragged into all this Eva conspiracy crap! And… um, this is for the penguins who lost their continent when Antarctica got blown up! And… and… this is for my goldfish! Okay, my goldfish died of natural causes, but it feels good to blame somebody, damn it!"

The defeated MP Evas fell to the ground, as red geysers sprayed from their broken bodies in tribute to the scarlet warrior who had bested them. The few that remained standing began to circle Asuka slowly, showing a lot more caution now.

Posing proudly like the awesome action hero that she was, Asuka opened the can of UCC Coffee with a triumphant grin… and let out another groan as the coffee came out in a dark cloud that stained the LCL brown. "Damn… forgot where I was."

Well, at least it tastes good, said Mama with a giggle.

The remaining Mass Production Evas snarled for Asuka's attention.

"Can't you see I'm trying to have a coffee break here?" Asuka snarled back.

---

"Wow," said Shinji, as Babyworu led him into a huge auditorium. The walls were made of tightly woven tree branches inlaid with computer circuitry, and the floor was covered with luxuriously thick carpeting in a shade of blue that reminded Shinji of water… which was quite fitting, because the ceiling was made of real water! More specifically, it appeared to be the lake that the Kaworus had been fishing from before, because Shinji could see piano keys swimming around in it. Were they underground, below the bottom of the lake? Or had the lake raised itself into the air, and was now floating above this chamber? And what was keeping the water from pouring in?

"This part of the Yggdrasil was redesigned for the purpose of mass synchronization," said Babyworu, as he guided Shinji onto a large stage at one end of the auditorium. Babyworu's kittens trotted after them in an orderly line, like ducklings following their mother.

Shinji looked around in awe at all the Kaworus in the audience. He still couldn't believe there were so many of them! They all had laptops, but the regular computer keyboards had been replaced by the miniature piano keyboards they had recently finished building. They had also put on cat-eared interface headsets exactly like the one that Babyworu was wearing. Sunlight shone through the watery ceiling, creating rippling patterns of light that almost made it seem as if the Kaworus were glowing.

Misato walked beside Shinji, chuckling at the sight of all the illuminated Angel catboys. "Ritsuko is going to be upset that she missed this!" she said.

There was a chair made out of an enormous flower on the center of the stage, and Babyworu gestured for Shinji to sit down. He complied, letting out a gasp and then a relaxed sigh as the flower petals changed their shape to give his body just the right amount of support.

"Is it comfortable, Shinji? We can grow you another chair if this one isn't to your liking," said Babyworu, running his hands along the flower's large petals and leaves as if checking for rough edges.

"This is the most comfy chair I've ever sat in," Shinji assured him, "And it smells like a giant air freshener!"

"Good," said Babyworu, before looking down at the kitten in Shinji's arms. "Lazarus, are you ready?"

"Meow!"

The little white kitten began to glow, his body becoming thinner and more transparent until all that was left was a cat-eared interface headset, although unlike the opaque ones worn by the Kaworus, this one was clear and shone like crystal.

"Lazarus!" Shinji cried out, his heart pounding. Had that sweet little kitten been resurrected just so he could be turned into this?

"It's okay, Shinji!" said Babyworu, picking up the headset and stroking it as if it were still a living cat, "He wanted to do this, to help you. He's fine, and it's only temporary. Right, Lazarus?"

"Meow," said the headset, its crystalline ears twitching an affirmative.

As Babyworu carefully placed the transformed Lazarus onto Shinji's head, Chiefworu walked onto the stage and patted Shinji's arm soothingly. "Lazarus will enable all of us to connect with you safely," Chiefworu explained, "This is because Lazarus is a kitten and therefore has ultimate mastery over time and space – the only thing that comes close to having that level of mastery is UCC Coffee, apparently – so he'll allow us to achieve mass synchronization without damaging your mind or tearing reality apart. We won't even need to use LCL, which is good because that stuff would ruin the carpeting in here."

"Speaking of time and space… There are other Shinji Ikaris living in alternate dimensions, right?" said Shinji, "So why are you asking me to do this, and not one of them?" Shinji didn't feel the least bit worthy of all this attention. What if the Kaworus had mistaken him for a much better Shinji from a different universe? What if they should have asked RoboShinji instead?

Babyworu knelt in front of Shinji's chair and looked up at him adoringly. "I have asked many Shinjis to take care of Lazarus, but you were the one who said yes," Babyworu stated in a reverent voice that was barely above a whisper, "You chose him, and so he chooses you!"

Shinji still wasn't sure that he deserved any kind of special distinction, but Babyworu's words still made him feel warm and happy. Really, really happy… A purring sound came from Shinji's throat, and his eyes widened. "What was that?!" he exclaimed, as the telltale heat of a blush crept across his face.

"Meow," the Lazarus headset said apologetically.

Misato looked horrified. "Are you absolutely certain this is safe?"

"We would never want to jeopardize Shinji," said Chiefworu, "We have run numerous system tests to make sure there is no danger. And since you are here, Major Katsuragi, you can help Shinji as well! Although it is impossible for this system to cause him any physical harm, mass synchronization can produce vivid dreams and emotions, and the rest of us might be too occupied with the translation process to notice in a timely manner. So if Shinji looks the least bit stressed, we ask you to please remove his headset so he can take a break. We may be on a tight schedule, but we're not going to sacrifice Shinji's well-being for that."

Hundreds of Kaworus nodded in agreement.

"You can count on me!" Misato said, sitting down next to Shinji on one side while Babyworu sat next to Shinji on the other side. The flower chair expanded into a couch in order to hold all three of them. Babyworu's kittens curled up at their feet and promptly went back to sleep.

"Beginning text projection!" said Chiefworu, waving a stick that looked like a conductor's baton. It didn't seem to Shinji that anything was happening at first, but then Chiefworu glanced over at him and Misato, saying, "Oh, right! I should use a different color instead of rueoc. Sorry about that." A ribbon of silver light emerged from the tip of the baton, undulating through the air and forming a series of intricate shapes linked together by curly lines, spreading and flourishing like a succession of complex blossoms connected by looping tendrils. So this was the final message that the Kaworus needed to translate? Shinji could see why the Kaworus had initially mistaken it for a decoration.

A large piece of sheet music unfurled above Shinji, and the other Kaworus began typing at their piano-computers, a flurry of movement and music. What was that strange, rapid tune they were playing? It didn't sound like any classical music that Shinji had ever heard. And no, it didn't sound like death metal either.

To Shinji's surprise, Misato began to hum the tune.

"You know this music?" he asked her.

"It's the Meow Mix theme," Misato said with a giggle, "It's a cat food commercial."

"Meow!" said Lazarus' excited voice from Shinji's headset, and Shinji laughed as he felt the cat ears beginning to vibrate. It tickled!

"Meow!" all the other Kaworus' headsets replied, their cat ears vibrating in perfect unison. The Kaworus laughed as they felt the same tickling sensation.

"Ritsuko is going to be really, really upset that she missed this!" said Misato.

"Are all of your headsets actually kittens that transformed, too?" Shinji asked.

Chiefworu shook his head. "No, they're artificial, based on Lazarus' data."

"Ready to start the A10 nerve connection!" Sailorworu called out.

A heavy yet comforting sensation of warmth washed over Shinji, and that heaviness filled every part of him, including his eyelids. His head slumped forward as he closed his eyes…

Shinji found himself floating in a sea of light, immersed in a blissful feeling that he couldn't quite name. It reminded him of the strange calming effect he sometimes experienced while sitting in an entry plug before a battle, except magnified. So was this what it was like, to sync with so many people who loved you?

The feelings intensified. It was like being enveloped by a blanket of sunshine and smiles and tender embraces. It was darkness being filled with starlight, silence being filled with music, a barren landscape being filled with the scent of the seashore.

Sensations gave way to images, and Shinji could see brief glimpses of various Kaworus flickering past his eyes. Memories! They were memories! It was as if every Shinji's recollections of every Kaworu from every timeline were all coming together, and now Shinji was getting a quick scan of the highlights. Yes, it was like skimming a collective diary at top speed. The Shinji Ikari Collective Diary (Reader's Digest condensed version).

Sailorworu meeting Shinji at a train station.

Chiefworu visiting Shinji's home for a sleepover.

Sputnikworu inviting Shinji to a concert.

Rangerworu fighting a "monster" that was actually a guy in a rubber suit.

Transferworu, Smoochworu, Lunchworu, Forgottenworu. So many worus.

Faster and faster the memories whipped by, and Shinji basked in the recollections of empathy and friendship… until everything came to an eerie halt. And then, with agonizing slowness, Shinji saw a memory of Chiefworu standing before him, pulling his shirt open to reveal his Angel core and shouting "Here, Yggdrasil… Here! Here's your core! I'm back!"… right before a dozen tree branches drove themselves into Chiefworu's body, drove themselves through his body. Blood spilled out of the dying Angel, but the vermilion liquid became flowers upon touching the floor, as Chiefworu became part of the tree.

The warm feelings that Shinji had enjoyed before were immediately replaced by an icy sensation of pure horror at what he had just witnessed. Yes, Chiefworu had previously spoken of giving himself to the Yggdrasil in order to save the Shinji of his timeline. But he certainly hadn't mentioned that the merging had been so traumatic!

With that same haunting slowness, memories of other Kaworus' deaths or disappearances ghosted by.

Sailorworu succumbing to his Angelic instincts, so that Shinji had no choice but to crush him in Unit-01's hands.

Forgottenworu's image fading from a photograph, as Shinji pleaded for him to come back.

Lunchworu being devoured by Evangelion Unit Beta. (Well, at least that explained his nickname.)

Shinji tried to run towards the dying Kaworus, desperate to do something even though he was simply observing events that had already happened. But he could not move. He tried to scream, but no sound came out. There was nothing he could do. No, he was nothing. Just a worthless, weak coward who kept surviving while all these Kaworus kept dying, even they were far more deserving of survival than he was. So much braver, stronger, kinder, and smarter. The Kaworus were rare gems being ground to dust while a mere pebble was spared, or roses throwing themselves into a plow blade to protect a useless patch of dirt. Shinji didn't deserve this kind of love and sacrifice! He was unworthy, he was pathetic, he was…

"SHINJI!"

His eyes flew open, and he was back on the flower couch in the Yggdrasil's auditorium. Shinji's face felt wet, and for a moment he thought the lake that formed room's ceiling had started to rain down, but as his mind became more awake he realized that the streaks of water were his tears.

Misato was looking at him with concern, and the headset formerly known as Lazarus was clutched in her hand. "What happened?" she said, using her free hand to rub his back in an effort to calm him, "You started thrashing and crying! Was it a nightmare?" The hand holding the Lazarus headset moved away from Shinji, as if Misato was afraid that he might try to put the device back on.

"Are you going to hyperventilate?" said Babyworu, who was still seated on Shinji's other side, "I have a paper bag if you need it!" Reaching into a pocket in his pajamas, Babyworu pulled out a crumpled wad of brown paper.

"Why do you keep a paper bag in your pajamas?" asked Misato.

Shinji did not hear whatever Babyworu's response was, because the enormity of what he had just seen began racing through his mind again. Yes, he had already known that all the Kaworus here in the Yggdrasil had died for him, but that knowledge still couldn't prepare him for actually seeing all those deaths. All of that pain and suffering, just to help someone as pitiful as Shinji? The fact that some of them were actually alternate universe versions of Shinji rather than himself didn't help. It just meant that every version of Shinji Ikari was a horrible screw-up. "Stop… just stop this!" he cried, "Stop trying to make me happy! I don't deserve this! I don't deserve any of it!" With that, he leapt off the stage and ran down the nearest corridor, ignoring the multitude of pleas for him to come back.

Of course he couldn't go back. How could he ever face the Kaworus again? How could he ever face anyone again?

TO BE CONTINUED

Next chapter: Shinji thinks that he doesn't deserve to be friends with any of the Kaworus, but what's the real story behind the TABRIS Project? Which Kaworu originally came up with the idea for it, and why? The truth will be revealed! Also, Asuka and Rei continue their fight against the Mass Production Evangelions. Will Asuka survive this time, or is history doomed to repeat itself? Don't miss Chapter 5 of The Happy Red Planet, "Love is (not) destructive." There will be fan service, too!

Author's notes: As many of you probably noticed, this chapter had quite a few references to various Evangelion spinoffs and merchandise. For example, Kaworu ("Chiefworu") sacrificing himself to the Yggdrasil was from Campus Apocalypse, and the incident with Kaworu ("Babyworu") and the kitten was from Yoshiyuki Sadamoto's Neon Genesis Evangelion manga. These references were mainly just for fun and are not crucial to the overall plot of this fan fic, though, so don't worry if you're only familiar with the original anime continuity. Still, for those of you who are curious, below is a list explaining where each of the Kaworus came from. Please be aware that some of the following descriptions may contain spoilers for various Evangelion continuities. Okay, here we go…

Babyworu was from the Neon Genesis Evangelion manga by Yoshiyuki Sadamoto. He only lived for nine days outside of the LCL tube. In this fan fic, he has learned a lot from the other Kaworus and has become somewhat less blunt as a result, but he's still pretty quirky despite his claims of being "less weird".

Transferworu was from the Neon Genesis Evangelion Proposal, a basic pitch of the Evangelion story that Gainax used to promote the series. According to the outline, Kaworu was going to appear in an episode called "The Cat and the Transfer Student". Transferworu was only briefly mentioned in this fic because the Proposal gives very little details about him, but as the episode title implies, he was supposed to be an Angel in the form of a child accompanied by a cat.

Sailorworu was from the first draft of the episode 24 script. He was described as having hair the color of honey, and wearing a dark blue sailor outfit. Later on his body transformed into a more Angel-like appearance, with a visible core on his torso. You can actually see a rough sketch of his Angel form in a book called the Neon Genesis Evangelion Newtype 100% Collection.

Smoochworu was from the second draft of the episode 24 script. He was only briefly mentioned in this fan fic. As for why he's called "Smoochworu"… well, those who have read the second draft know the answer to that one. Heh.

Rangerworu was from After the End, an audio drama on a CD called Neon Genesis Evangelion: Addition. After the End was a funny omake about the Evangelion characters being told that they're going to get a second season, so they had to find new ideas for episodes. One of the suggestions was to turn Evangelion into a sentai program, like Power Rangers. However, every idea turned out to be a (hilarious) disaster, and the show was cancelled.

Sputnikworu was from the Girlfriend of Steel 2 video game. Towards the end of the game, the Evangelion pilots were all transferred to different parts of the world. Kaworu was apparently relocated to "Sputnik". I assumed that meant he had joined the Russian space program, so I made him the TABRIS Project's lead scientist. (By the way, this is the Kaworu who spoke Russian in the very first chapter of this fan fic. See, I was actually going somewhere with that!)

Forgottenworu was from the Angelic Days manga by Fumino Hayashi. This was a manga adaptation of Girlfriend of Steel 2, but instead of getting transferred to "Sputnik", Kaworu disappeared and everybody's memories of him were erased. Ouch. He was only briefly mentioned in this fic, because the manga was unclear on why he had to vanish and I didn't want to go off on a bizarre tangent trying to explain this.

Chiefworu was from the Campus Apocalypse manga by Mingming. He sacrificed himself to the Yggdrasil in order to save Shinji. In this fan fic, becoming part of the Yggdrasil put him in touch with Kaworus from other dimensions, and he was chosen to be the leader of the TABRIS Project.

Lunchworu was from the Detective Evangelion video game (not to be confused with The Shinji Ikari Detective Diary manga, which was a separate continuity with a completely different story). He was only briefly mentioned in this fic. The other Kaworus nicknamed him "Lunchworu" because he was devoured by Evangelion Unit Beta. Yikes!

Woruworu is the main Kaworu of this fan fic. He's supposed to be Kaworu from the original Neon Genesis Evangelion anime, but after having gone through multiple timeloops. He's a bit more emotionally vulnerable than the Kaworu we saw in the anime, due to the pain of multiple lifetimes' worth of failures.

The Kaworus hanging out in the Yggdrasil are supposed to be Kaworus who died or had other types of unhappy endings (although I was kind of stretching the definition of "unhappy ending" for Rangerworu, who merely had to suffer the cancellation of his show, and Sputnikworu, who was simply transferred out of Japan). Therefore, I didn't include Kaworus who had relatively positive endings, such as the ones from the Petit Eva anime, the Petit Eva manga by Ryusuke Hamamoto, the other Petit Eva manga by Maki Oozora, and from The Shinji Ikari Detective Diary manga by Takumi Yoshimura. I also didn't include Kaworu from The Shinji Ikari Raising Project video game, because depending on the choices you make, it's possible for him to get a good ending there as well. (In this fan fic, Kaworus who had happy endings are still alive in their respective universes.)

As for The Shinji Ikari Raising Project manga adaptation by Osamu Takahashi, Kaworu has been missing from the story for several volumes and I have no idea what happened to him there. I also didn't include the New Theatrical Edition (AKA "Rebuild") version of Kaworu, because there's one movie left to go and I don't know yet how that continuity is going to end. (There were still a few minor shout-outs to the New Theatrical Edition in this fic, though.) I left out Ikuto Yamashita's ANIMA light novel because I don't know enough about that story to feel confident using it, which is the same reason why I didn't use the Super Robot Wars games and several other video games as well. Lastly, I didn't include Tabris-XX from the Angel Chromosome-XX series of figurines, because she was made by crossing Kaworu's DNA with Lilin DNA… in other words, she's technically Kaworu's daughter, not an alternate Kaworu.

Okay, that's everything. Thanks again for reading this story, and feedback would be greatly appreciated! See you next chapter!

-Literary Eagle, 2014