Chapter 3: Not exactly as planned.

*digs his way out of hell* I'm back! And BTW? Hell really sucks. Don't recommend going. sorry for the wait but my computer was broken, so sorry again. now then: On with the story! MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE PLOTLINE you have been warned.

Apologies to fans of Ulquiorra. And Yammy. And Aizen. And Chuck Norris. And Zommari. Yeah.

Review answers time!

vampire13princess: I'll tell you what; everyone who reviews is considered an honorary chaotic neutral from this moment on! All Hail chaos!

Hopscot: chaos? You ain't seen nothing yet!

Toshiro1324: I totally have a plot. You just don't know what it is yet, but this chapter is gonna give you hints. Gin sneezing was foreshadowing, and thanks, I love you too. :D

Audiochick: thank you, thank you. Glad you like it and I really hope you enjoy this chapter as well. (You have no idea how painful it was to write the kissing scene XD)

LAWLS117: thank you, glad you think so :)

I was smiling all day when I got the reviews from you guys (or girls ) plus people following and faving this story. I LOVE ALL OF YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

In Hueco Mundo Aizen, the lord of evil, the king of Hollows, the ultimate evil, the big bad, was getting very frustrated.

"Where are they?" Aizen snapped at Gin who shrugged.

"Don't look at me, I brought Starrk with me." Gin said pointing at the man, whose head was resting on the table, filling the air with snores.

"Ah well done, you brought the only Espada who won't even pretend to pay attention to me." Aizen snapped in response.

A few moments passed before Tōsen arrived, giving an excuse of "I was thinking about justice, and lost track of time."

Within 15 minutes all of the Espada had arrived except for Ulquiorra, all of them giving useless explanations like "I forgot" "I'm too important to show up on time "I was fixing my make up" (that one worried Aizen due to it coming from Szayel Aporro Granz) and his personal favourite "I was eating my Fracción" (this one worried him because it didn't come from Szayel Aporro Granz)

"Fine, fine, so why is Ulquiorra missing? He usually gets here before me. And it's my room!" Aizen asked at the exact moment the door opened and the 4th walked in.

Everyone (including the sleeping Starrk, somehow,) shouted the same thing at the same time "WHAT THE HELL?"

Ulquiorra looked…. Different….. To say the least.

His mask had been painted black.

His uniform was died black.

The tear markings on his face had somehow been changed to red.

But mostly it was how he was wearing a My Chemical Romance t-shirt and extremely thin jeans as part of his uniform.

But it was when he sat down, flipped his fringe out of his eyes, and muttered "hi." Like the weight of the world was on his shoulders that the group realised the horrific truth.

Ulquiorra Ciefer had become an Emo kid.

"Gin? What did you do?" Aizen said immediately.

"Why do you always jump to the conclusion that I'm the one responsible? Honestly I'm insulted." Gin said his grin widening sadistically.

"Because it's always you. Who broke the fridge?" Aizen demanded.

"Well yes that was me." Gin said cheerfully.

"Who convinced Grimmjow he was the reincarnation of Elvis?" Aizen demanded again.

"Me AND Nnoitra." Gin said high fiving the fifth.

"There were so many sparkly hot pants everywhere." Harribel said reminiscing.

"Yes, well. After all of that you are the number one suspect." Aizen said getting back on topic.

"Well o.k. I did it, but not on purpose this time!" Gin insisted sheepishly.

"Wait you meant to break the fridge?" Zommari asked confused.

"We were out of Ice cream, I got angry, and I probably shouldn't have released my sword I admit." Gin said, not looking at all like he was sorry.

"So what did you do this time?" Tosen said fearing the answer.

"I told him and I quote to 'go cry emo kid' when he was ticking me off." Gin shrugged. "I dunno what happened."

From down the table Grimmjow had a look of "oh crap" on his face, "so that's why he wanted to borrow my computer. He found out about emo culture."

"Yeah. It totally opened my eyes to the pain and pointlessness of life" Ulquiorra said nodding.

"And the clothes?" Starrk asked, still asleep.

"Represents the darkness of my soul." Ulquiorra explained.

"what?" Gin asked.

"Doesn't matter, nothing matters, maybe I should just die." Ulquiorra said sadly.

Gin, Yammy, Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Baraggan, and Aaroniero all pulled out blades of varying size and shape.

"Well you heard him! It's what he wants." Grimmjow said happily.

"No." Aizen said immediately, forcing the group back into there seats.

"Hey I wanted to ask, can I always be in my released form?" Ulquiorra asked hopefully, "bats are dark and stuff, I wanted to show that all the time."

"No." Aizen said sighing.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!" Ulquiorra immediately shouted.

"Look if I let you do it, everyone would do it. I don't need whatever the hell Aaroniero has for a released form squelching around 24/7." Aizen reasoned, "Alright back to business. I have a plan."

"So?" Aaroniero said disgruntled at the insult "you say that every time you do anything. 'I have a plan. I'm going to eat something, I have a plan, I'm going to the toilet, and it's ridiculous. You are the leader you don't have to try and look like the master of the universe 24/7."

Aizen flash stepped behind Aaroniero and slammed his head into the table. Then flash stepped right back into his seat like nothing had happened.

"So you're plan then?" Aaroniero asked suddenly full of respect, or fear, but either way Aizen was pleased.

"Right well, I'm sending some of you on a mission of the utmost importance. The war can depend on your success."

"Is there going to be violence?" Nnoitra asked like a child on Christmas.

"Yes, yes there will be plenty of violence, don't worry." Aizen said ruffling the fifths hair like an amused father. Nnoitra would never (Ever!) admit he liked the attention.

"So where are we going to be violencing?" Szayel asked cheerfully.

"The soul society and Karakua town." Aizen explained. "Half of you are going to kidnap two of the vice captains, and half of you are going to go kill Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Half of us to kill one human? Isn't that kind of, I dunno pointless?" Grimmjow complained.

"If I sent one of you, he would win, if I sent two, him and one of his friends would kill you both. If I send all my most powerful men, it will be a curbstomp battle. And if half of our forces are in the Soul Society the soul reapers won't be able to pull a big damn heroes moment and save the day at the last minute." Aizen explained.

"So which vice captains?" Tosen asked, looking in the wrong direction. No one had the heart to tell him he also was also sitting at the wrong table.

"Doesn't matter which ever you run into first, I just need them for experiments and bargaining chips." Aizen said muttering "that and all my plans I'm not telling you lot."

"What was that?" Gin snapped.

"Oh nothing you need to know." Aizen smiled, muttering "because you'll soon be dead."

"Look! He did it again. Why does no one else ever notice this stuff?" Gin complained

"Dude, lay off the drugs, you're getting paranoid." Nnoitra said concerned, then lent towards Grimmjow, "we should have him killed."

"Good plan." Grimmjow said sadistically.

"Oh you stupid little." Gin snarled, pulling out his sword, "shoot to kill!"

"Gin what's wrong?" Aizen said grabbing his wrist in concern "why are you doing this?"

"They want to kill me!" Gin snarled.

"They said no such thing." Aizen said softly, "I think you need to lie down my friend."

"Good idea, Gin please rest, we don't want anything to happen to you." Grimmjow said a look of concern on his face.

"I want Gin dead!" Harribel suddenly shouted. No one reacted.

"Maybe you're right; I don't know what's going on anymore." Gin muttered confused and left.

The group managed to wait until Gin was definitely out of ear shot. Then they burst out laughing hysterically.

"Oh wow that was priceless." Aizen laughed, whipping tears of mirth from his eyes. "Best plan ever."

"Plan?" Starrk asked STILL asleep

"Yes the more he's stressed the less he'll be able to achieve his aims of backstabbing me." Aizen explained.

"You know he's going to betray you?" Starrk asked surprised enough to wake up, "why is he still here then?"

"Because for the Hōgyoku to gain its last forms I need to get killed." Aizen reveled.

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard." Starrk said, getting nods from the rest of the people at the table, and Tosen, who was still at the wrong table, and from Yammy who had sat next to Tosen because he didn't want the ex-captain to get lonely.

"You couldn't think of any better way that DOESN'T oh I don't know: put one of your biggest opponents in a position of power in your army where he can easily learn of and prevent your plans? I mean why not just hire Urahara after sending thugs to gang rape his cat person girlfriend?" Starrk continued.

"Hey it wasn't like that." Aizen said slowly.

"Gang raping and stealing part of her soul then."

"There you go."

"And what the hell has been preventing him from planting seeds of disobedience? I mean he can talk to all of us all the time and you won't know about it. And looking at this table, is anyone here actually 100% loyal to you?"

Zommari raised his hand.

"Anyone who matters?" Starrk continued.

Zommari frowned "I do too matter. Jerk."

"You suck, everyone here knows it, and I mean Yammy has more fans then you. Freaking YAMMY! And he's just a fat useless sack of crap."

Zommari looked sad, Yammy wasn't listening, he had just realised he could give Tosen the finger and nothing would happen to him. This amused Yammy greatly.

"Anyway my point is this: except for Zommari you can never fully trust anyone in your entire army, and even Zommari is slightly too enthusiastic, he might be faking it. And if you were smart enough not to bring someone along who gave up EVERYTHING he had just to kill you. This wouldn't have happened." Starrk finished. Then went back to sleep.

"Oh." Aizen said softly. "But how else would I get myself killed?"

Harribel sighed and picked up the conversation, "like Starrk said, if you left Gin on the other side he would still be trying to kill you. Or maybe, and just maybe, one of the people in the entire army hunting you might kill you? Or any of the entire group of Soul reaper/hollow hybrids who hate you? Or any one in Team Ichigo? Or Uraharas crew? Or maybe any parties you don't know about who might not like you being God?"

Aizen thought this over "well crap."

"And further more why have a plan that involves you becoming a Chuck Norris that can act, has appeared in anything good in the last decade, and doesn't have to rely on an unfunny internet meme to get work, only to follow it where you can only get stronger and complete your plan by being killed? That's stupid. stupedER" Harribel continued. She was smiling, I mean you can't really tell under that hood, or that mask, but she sounded like she was smiling.

"Well the thing about that is… I don't know"

"And are you 100% that's true? Is there a chance that you get yourself killed and no big power up? how do you know things work like that?"

"This is bleach, you can get new power ups in your breakfast cereal." Aizen smirked, "in fact that's exactly how Nnoitra got an extra pair of arms for his resurrection."

"Anyway. Then there was the whole "kidnap Orihime" thing, sure you trapped half the good guys in the desert, and that was a good plan, but you realize that half of us got killed by the half that got trapped? Making the whole thing completely worthless?"

There was a pause.

"Wait." Zommari said, running the last part of that through his head. "How do you know that if we are all still here?"

Everyone looked around. And shrugged.

Harribel answered at last, "we read the manga on the internet. Most of us know what's going to happen so Aizen came up with a new plan. Seeing as 75% of the world knows what he was going to do."

"That doesn't make any damn sense." Zommari complained.

"Well in that case, you are dead." Aizen reminded him.

"Never mind then, so who's going on which mission?" he asked.

"The top five will go after Ichigo; everyone else will go after the lieutenants." Aizen replied.

"Cool. I'm gonna rip that moronic humans head off." Nnoitra cheered.

"No. you are in the lower group." Aizen said.

"So you can't count? O.k. fine: 12345. I'm number five. Do you agree?"

"Yes" Aizen nodded.

"So I'm in the first five." Nnoitra explained.

"Nope." Aizen laughed.

"Explain then." Nnoitra demanded angrily.

"Yammy is number 0."

"No." Baraggan said immediately. "I refuse to be lower then that moron as well as Mr Stoner hippie."

"WELL WATCH THIS!" Yammy shouted, jumping to his feet and shouting "BE ENRAGED! IRA!" Yammy glowed, before growing massively, crashing through the roof and most of the walls as he became… a giant… centaur, horse, dinosaur… thing with lots of legs and something growing out of his back. I honestly have no idea what the hell that thing is. Creeps the hell out of me though.

"Huh." Gin said wondering back in; through on of the many holes that was once the meeting room. "Hey it's totally not my fault this time. Yay!" he grinned.

"Shut up. Now." Aizen snapped, his eye twitching in unlimited and barely restrained fury. "Yammy, why did you do that?"

"Because they wouldn't believe I was number zero." Yammy said laughing, "I showed them. Look" he said pointing to his tattoo, which was indeed a zero now.

"And what, you couldn't just wait the few seconds it would take for me to back you up?" Aizen said, as the last bit of roof crashed millimetres from his head.

Yammy paused for a very long time as he thought this over. "Because this was cooler?" he asked at last.

Aizen's fury stopped being restrained.

"O.k. that's it. Everyone? We're killing Yammy." He announced. Nothing happened, no one moved.

"The hell is wrong with you people?" Gin asked looking around.

"Hey I would never start a fight with Starrk, so why would I fight number zero?" Grimmjow explained, getting nods from the others, "I ain't that stupid."

"I am!" Nnoitra yelled getting to his feet.

"GREAT AND WONDERFULL AIZEN SAMMA wants! So GREAT AND WONDERFULL AIZEN SAMMA gets!" Zommari agreed.

The two charged at Yammy, slamming into him and knocking him off screen. I mean out into the desert where no one was looking.

Moments later, they returned. Both in there released forms and looking completely fine.

"Well that was boring." Nnoitra said "somehow."

"What." Aizen said flatly. "No really what."

"What do you mean?" Zommari asked confused.

"How did you just win? He's my strongest and you two are in the bottom half of the list. (Shut up Nnoitra and put your hand down.) So how could you, or hypothetically people who are as strong as you and maybe I don't know lets say: two soul reapers with similar strength levels ever kill him?" Aizen asked scratching his head.

"He's not dead. We left him to bleed to death." Zommari shrugged.

"riiiiight. Of cause you did. Naturally, that doesn't answer the question. Why is my strongest so weak?" Aizen demanded.

"Because he's Yammy. And Yammy is in this story to make people look cool when they effortlessly beat the crap out of him. That's all there is to it." Harribel said, firing off a yellow cero and blowing Yammy's head clean off, killing him to death so much that he died.

"So. I suddenly have two questions." Grimmjow spoke up. "One: are we all going up a number now Mr. Zero is dead?"

"well if you want, I could remove your outdated tattoos with this!" Gin suggested, pulling out a power sander.

"No, no, we're good." Nnoitra said shuddering.

"Neither Gin, nor anything he is holding, owns, or has owned or held, is going near my tattoo or that area. That's final." Harribel said immediately. Ignoring Gins mocking expression of sadness.

"O.k. question two: why does Harribel have yellow spirit energy?" Grimmjow asked.

"Because… she has yellow hair?" Nnoitra suggested unsurely.

"No no. Listen. I been thinking. She is shark themed right?" Grimmjow pointed out.

"Right."

"And has water powers. Right?

"Right."

"And has an attack that translates as "blue wave." Right?"

"Right."

"And yet she's got yellow spiritual pressure not blue! I mean what?"

"Well Starrk has blue. So I took yellow." Harribel commented like that explained everything.

"I want to let that go. But you know what? I can't. Explain." Grimmjow demanded.

"Aizen wanted the top three of us to have a kind of color code to our glowing." Harribel explained.

"But I thought….." Nnoitra began.

"No we didn't want Yammy in the synchronized light triangle. You think we're stupid? He'd ruin it." Aizen pointed out.

"ANYWAY!" Harribel interrupted sighing. "I changed to yellow because I'm the only one who can change my pressures color." With that Harribel started to light up with energy, and with no effort, she changed between yellow, red, blue, and purple. "Easy."

"That's so cool!" Grimmjow cheered, "Wait one second." With that he ran out of the room, returning moments latter with a drum kit, a keyboard, and two turntables.

After a few moments of planning, Gin was the DJ, Grimmjow was playing keyboard and Nnoitras release form made him the best drummer of all time.

Naturally, seeing as they had the perfect set up for techno music, they had turned all the lights off (including the artificial sun) and the hollows then flickered there spiritual pressure on and off to match the beat of the music as they danced.

In other words:

The forces of evil were raving.

And 30 minutes later. They were raving while drunk.

"I get knocked down! But I get up again! you never gonna keep me down!" is what Grimmjow tried to sing, but due to the fact he had drunk enough to kill a human, it sounded like "I get knuked down…..but I (damnit wats tha words?) GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!" he finished, one hand around his beer, one around a very uncomfortable Ulquiorra. The keyboard long forgotten.

"I don't like this song. Has Gin got any darker music?" Ulquiorra asked sighing.

"No. hey, Emospada?

"yes Grimmkitty?" Ulquiorra snapped back, knowing Grimmjow hated his nickname almost as much as he did his own.

"Shut the damn hell up, ya stupid little-" exactly what Grimmjow was about to say was lost as he suddenly turned away, grabbed the passing Miller-Rose and kissed her. Well I say he kissed her, it was more attacking the back of her throat with his tongue.

Miller-Rose struggled out of shock for a few moments before starting to kiss Grimmjow back, blushing madly all the while. He may be a psychotic killer, but ask any female Bleach fan and they will say the same thing. If Grimmjow kisses a chick, she WILL kiss him back.

I guess you could call it "animal magnetism". Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

Anyway, Ulquiorra didn't feel like waiting around for them to finish just to resume an argument and so walked off to watch Aizen and Baraggan play "drunken Hollow chess". Which is exactly the same as normal chess, but it takes longer and the game ends when you frustrate your opponent enough he ceros the board. Aizen was very good at it.

Meanwhile, Thousands of miles away.

Ichigo and Rukia were walking back home after a brief hollow killing.

"All I'm saying is the guy's sword is 13 kilometres that's just an impotent nightmare." Ichigo pointed out grinning.

"Well he does have Matsumoto in love with him, and you don't get a chick that hot easily." Rukia countered.

"Maybe she goes for Gins winning personality?" Ichigo suggested, causing both of them to start laughing. "O.k. seriously, what possible use is a 13km sword? He can't even see that far away to aim at his target!"

"Well maybe-" Rukia begin before the sky itself started to ripple as a black sphere appeared above them and started to crack.

"What in the name of all that is magical?" Ichigo questioned before shaking his head, "man that line was bad. But the point remains, what am I looking at?"

Before Rukia could reply, the sphere shattered and revealed the figure of a pretty girl who looked about 17. She hovered in the air briefly before falling to the ground with a loud thump.

"Oops. I think I was supposed to catch her." Ichigo said, causing Rukia to face-palm.

The two walked over to the figure and looked her over. She was obviously a soul reaper, as she had a sword by her waist, and was wearing the black outfit, which was torn and cut; she was also surprisingly bloodstained, and had a large amount of injuries across her body, including one bad one that was somewhere on her head making it impossible to see what colour her hair was.

"O.k. lets access the situation. We have found an injured, unconscious, teenage girl. We have never seen her before in our lives. And I'm getting the feeling that she is going to impact the plot." Rukia summed up.

"Yep. Maybe she's a Mary Sue?" Ichigo suggested, causing Rukia to flinch.

"Only one way to find out." Rukia said pulling out her phone and hitting a few numbers, "hey Orihime, I kinda need a favour doing, see there's this Girl bleeding to death in the street, and I was hoping that you would help out. You will? You'll be right there? I'm saying everything you are in a way to confirm to the readers what's going on? I should really stop talking? Goodbye?" Rukia paused and closed the phone. "I handled that quite well I think."

"No, in actuality, you are a moron." Ichigo replied, before picking the girl up. "Well let's go meet her half way. This is a lot of blood she might bleed out."

"This is Bleach. Anyone of us could open a blood bank from one arm alone. She'll be fine." Rukia insisted reassuringly, right before the girl's eyes snapped open and she screamed.

"Wait. We're the good guys, don't worry!" Rukia said trying to calm her down, as the girl struggled out of Ichigo's arms and staggered a few feet down the road.

She froze and looked around; her body started shaking as she started mumbling to herself. Ichigo and Rukia slowly moved closer to hear her, and in case she passed out.

"This is Karakura." She mumbled sounding almost in shock. "I'm in Karakura. I did it. I did it!"

Ichigo and Rukia glanced at each other, then at her, then at her sword and wondered if she was crazy and/or dangerous. "Err, excuse me? Miss? Are you alright?" Rukia asked gently, causing the girl to look at her before she leapt forwards and rapped her arms around the short Soul Reapers neck with a loud cry of Rukia's name.

"Ruk… Rukia…. It's you, it's really you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Rukia, please forgive me. I have missed you so much." The girl said quickly before starting to cry against Rukia's chest. "I tried to save you. I tried."

"What are you talking about?" Rukia asked, completely baffled, gingerly patting the girl on the back while trying to figure out what the hell had just happened to this story.

"I knew you wouldn't remember and I knew you wouldn't know who I am." The girl said looking at Rukia like she could not completely believe that she was real. "But I didn't expect it to hurt this much."

Ichigo cleared his throat awkwardly. "So you know us, somehow, you can trust us enough to tell us who you-" he was interrupted by the girl who silenced him by grabbing his shirt and kissed him.

"I never thought I'd see you again Ichigo. I… I love you so much." She whispered to him.

At that moment Orihime turned up and took the scene in. "so Ichigo and bleeding girl are together?" she questioned sounding disappointed.

"Yes!" Bleeding girl answered,

"No!" Ichigo insisted immediately regretting this as he saw how hurt bleeding girl looked at that.

"I'm sorry." Bleeding girl said quietly, looking crestfallen. "I should have explained this better."

"You mean "explained at all" right?" Ichigo pointed out annoyed that the first time he had kissed a girl was some crazed fangirl. Or something.

"riiiight. I don't even want an explanation for this." Orihime decided, starting to heal bleeding girl so that she was no longer bleeding.

"I do." Rukia rebutted sighing. "Talk girl, I want to know everything."

"I am a time traveller from the last chapter of this fanfic." The girl answered slowly, at the same time her clothes fixed themselves and her injuries disappeared, the blood also vanishing to show her hair to be a bright bubblegum pink.

"My name is Yachiru Kurosaki." She answered showing the three teens the wedding ring on her finger.

"I have been Ichigo's widow for ten years now."

"She turned up and now her destiny with Ichigo is going to drive the plot? She's totally a Mary Sue."

"Shut up Rukia."

END CHAPTER 3

Dun dun duh!

I am fairly certain none of you saw this coming. If you did then GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

At least I think I'm funny. That's all I have to hold on to.

And in fact I'm going to try my very hardest not to make Adult Yachiru (I really need a better name for her) into a Mary Sue. Or maybe I will, and have her so over the top your eyeballs bleed.

Whichever one I decide is funnier.

As for Yammy? I killed him off for several reasons:

1) He serves no purpose for the plot (mine and the mangas). And he's now one less person I have to keep track of.

2) I don't like him.

3) I wanted to make the point that I will kill off anyone and everyone for what I see as a funny joke or part of the plot. If you're most loved characters are killed off for no good reason, then that's part of the joke. But I promise that most of the people I kill are going to have awesome deaths. Like "Boromir from Lord of the rings" awesome death.

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